Chapter One
Roy came in early this morning before the start of his shift. It had been a long weekend and he needed some time to gather his thoughts before he went out to face whatever the day might bring him. He couldn't believe it had been that long and this weekend was the anniversary date, but then again it seemed as if it had all happened just days ago. He was thinking about Joanne his high school sweetheart he was fortunate enough to marry, Christopher his son, and Jennifer his beautiful daughter.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even hear Johnny walk in to the locker room.
"Hey partner"
"Oh…hey…I didn't hear you come in."
"Yeah…I could tell…I tried calling you all weekend, I thought we might have taken a ride up to the Sierras and do some fishing, maybe pitch a tent….were you not answering your phone?"
Roy could see the look of concern on his partner's face and tried to force a smile. "No, of course not… I just had a lot of things to do this weekend around the house, finally got to some of those chores that I have been putting off. I was outside most of the time cleaning out the garage. I guess I just didn't hear the phone."
Johnny knew his friend all too well. He was hiding behind a mask and trying to put on a good face in front of him and he knew that he had been avoiding him. After seeing the look on his partner's face this morning he could kick himself for not just getting in his Land Rover and just showing up at Roy's house.
'The worst he could have done was to shut the door in my face and tell me to go home,' Johnny thought to himself.
"So how was your weekend?" Roy asked trying to change the subject.
Johnny sat beside him on the bench and without looking at him he tried to talk him out from behind the fake smile. "Roy, it's been 2 years…"
"I know"
"Life goes on"
"No Johnny, you're wrong…living goes on…but life stops…at least life as you know it."
"So what did you really do this weekend?"
Roy was never good at lying. People could always see straight through him especially Johnny and Joanne. He could never lie to either one of them and get away with it! He took a deep breath and without look away from the spot he was staring at on the floor he confessed to his partner; his best friend.
"This weekend was the anniversary weekend and Jennifer's birthday…so I took some balloons to the park."
"I see." Johnny waited patiently for Roy to continue. He knew this was painful for him.
"Then I went down to the marina and sat on the dock for a while and watched the sunset…then I went home. I worked out in the garage, that part was true. I just wanted to keep myself busy I guess…and…I…I was avoiding the phone. I knew it was you calling. "
With that last comment a smile flashed across Johnny's face and he put a hand on Roy's shoulder just to let him know that it was alright and there were no hard feelings. They understood each other and he knew his friend was hurting and that he would talk more about it when he was ready.
"Hey guys, I don't mean to interrupt this male bonding moment, but it is 8:05 and Cap is waiting in the kitchen for roll call…but if you two would like to bond a while longer I'll let him know."
"Shut up Chet! We're coming."
Neither Roy nor Johnny had noticed the time and they both walked in to the kitchen rather sheepishly. Cap and the rest of the crew were there waiting for them so Cap could update them on the day's duties.
"Sorry Cap."
"Sorry Cap."
Captain Stanley was rather easy going as far as a Captain was concerned, but he hated it when his men were late for duty, but with the look on each of his Paramedics faces he decided to forgo the standard speech to answer them with a simple…"Let's try to be on time, shall we?"
After the daily duties of cleaning the latrine, mopping the bay, hanging hose, and servicing the equipment had been assigned, Roy and Johnny headed for the maintenance closet for the mops and buckets, but before they could get started the tones sounded and Station 51 was off on a call.
Sam Lanier's voice: Station 51, Structure fire, 410 Lincoln, 410 Lincoln, cross street Broad, ambulance is responding, time out 8:32.
"Station 51 KMG-365"
Chapter 2
After Captain Stanley hung up the mike he handed Roy his orders and ran to the engine already waiting to pull out of the bay.
"410 Lincoln, isn't that where some of the older 2 story houses are located?"
"Yeah, this could be a bad one." Roy continued "there are a lot of 3 and 4 bedrooms houses there, so there could be some larger families, and they have already dispatched an ambulance."
That familiar knot tied up in his stomach as they got closer and closer. About a block away you could already see the flames coming from the roof of the structure they were headed to. They pulled up with the engine swinging in right behind them.
A woman ran up to the Captain in a panic. "Ma'am, do you live here? Is this you home?"
"No, I'm Mrs. Johnson from next door. I'm the one that called you. This is the Baker home and I think they are still in there!"
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure, Linda has 3 children and they have been sick, so she has been home with them for a few days now and the car is still in the driveway!"
"Roy, John we may have victims inside! Get you gear on! Chet, Marco, pull and inch and a half and cover them through the front! LA this is Engine 51, I need a second alarm at this location, we have a 2 story structure already 80% involved, and dispatch 1 more ambulance to this location."
Sam Lanier's voice: "10-4 Engine 51"
Captain Stanley waited until the tone sounded for his second alarm before he went over to help Johnny and Roy get their gear on and set up a trauma area.
Roy went over to Mrs. Johnson to try to get some more information as he put on his air tank. "Ma'am, can you tell me the ages of the children?"
"Let see, Amanda is 4, Charlie is 6, and then there's the baby…he is under a year old."
The knot in Roy's stomach tightened even tighter as he thought, 'Amanda and Charlie would be about the same age as Jen and Chris, I was right, this one is going to a bad one.' He looked at Johnny and asked "You ready Junior?"
"Ready!"
They tied themselves off with a life line and followed Chet and Marco toward the front door as the 2nd Engine Company pulled up. They could barely hear Captain Stanley's voice over the roaring of the flames.
"Engine 127 take 2, inch and a halves around to the back, Truck 127, start hosing down the roof and try to limit the overhead structure damage. We may have up to 4 victims inside and I have 4 men in there. We don't need to have 8 victims with a roof cave in! Let's move!"
"Alright men, take position". Captain Brady Lewis took command of his men in support of Station 51.
The fire was progressing inside but it had not yet reached the staircase to the second floor. They made their way to the second floor checking every room and they moved down the hall. The smoke was getting thicker and even with crawling near the floor it was getting harder to see.
"Is there anyone in here?" In response Johnny heard a cry for help followed by deep coughing sounds. He made his way toward them and found Linda lying near a window. He had to get her out fast, so he took off his helmet and knocked the glass out of the window and signaled down below that he was sending down a victim. By this time Captain Stanley had asked for another squad to respond to the scene, so Johnny was relieved when he saw Dillingham climbing the ladder to take over the rescue once she was passed through the window. He then continued to follow Roy then the search for the children.
"Johnny! Here! They're in here!" He heard Chet call from the next room in the hall.
Roy was already there bundling up the baby and tucking him under his turn out coat to protect him from the flame that they would have to pass through. Johnny and Marco were wrapping Amanda and Charlie up in the blankets they pulled from the bed after Chet wet them down with spray from the hose to help keep them protected on the trip back down the stairs. Flames had already covered the wall by the window so a quick exit that way was not an option. They would all just have to go back out the way they came in and hope the staircase didn't break away.
"Roy! How's the baby?"
"Not good…breathing is irregular."
"Same here with Charlie, Marco take Amanda, Chet can you handle the hose by yourself?"
"Just watch me go boys! You just take care of those kids!"
Johnny couldn't help but smile because and much as he wouldn't want Chet to know it; he would rather follow him with a hose than any other fireman he knew, because he would give it his all. So with the three kids all accounted for and wrapped as best they could for protection, they headed back toward the approaching flames and the staircase.
As they got closer they heard Chet. "It's no good! We can't get out this way, the stairs are fully involved. We're going to have to think of something else. Head back the way we just came."
They turned around back toward the bedrooms checking each one for a widow that had not yet been overtaken by flames but with no luck. The situation was getting desperate as their air tanks were getting low and sharing their masks with the kids was making it more and more difficult for their rescuers to breathe.
"A back staircase!"
"What Marco?"
"These older houses, don't they usually have back staircases leading down to the kitchen area? I bet it is at the other end of the hall."
Roy smiled. "I hope you're right Marco."
The four men headed down to the other end of the hall in search of a back way out. They had to find a way to get out fast. The kids were not doing well at all and they were running out of options. They could only hope that Captain Stanley was watching time out on the rescue.
"Damn!"
"What's wrong Johnny?"
"Roy, there's nothing here, no stairway. Now what?"
Marco pushed past Johnny still holding Amanda, "There's got to be, all of these old houses have them!"
"Uh, guys, we have another slight problem."
They all turned toward Chet and Roy asked him the question that no one really wanted to ask… "What's wrong now?"
"We're out of water!"
"Chet that's crazy, we are on hydrant, we can't just run out of water."
"Yes we can, Johnny, if the hose has been burned into!"
He pulled the hose and held up the burnt end for them to see.
Chapter 3
Captain Stanley was pacing out side talking to no one in particular, "It's been too long. They should have been out by now. I'm going to give them just 30 more seconds then…"
"Cap!"
"What Mike?"
"Something's wrong, the water pressure on the inch and half Chet has is going wild. It has dropped like it is free flowing. I'm getting very low pressure readings even though the gauge reads at maximum pressure."
"Burn through", Captain Stanley thought. "Their hose has been burned through."
He raced over to Captain Lewis, "I need 3 men to enter from the back to the 2nd floor. I have 3 victims and 4 firefighters that have a possible burned through hose. They are sitting ducks unless we get them out before the structure is at 100%."
"Alright men, you heard the Captain."
Three men from 127 took off racing to the back of the house.
Just as they were getting masks on to go find the men from 51, Chet broke through the door from the side of the kitchen, followed by Roy, Johnny and Marco. Coughing and breathing in as much outside air as they could as they shed themselves of the heavy, empty air tanks.
As they raced around the side of the house they headed toward the trauma area that was set up with all of their equipment and they immediately began working on the kids.
"Chet! What happened?"
"Cap, we had a burn through on the hose, the stairway we came in on was gone and we couldn't get out the windows. Marco thought of the back staircase that most of these houses have so we headed back deeper into the house to try to find that."
Marco added "Yeah, who would have thought they would have put a door at the top of the back stairs. We passed it three times before we saw the door knob."
"OK, you two go get the O2 off of the engine and try to get your lungs cleared out. Let John and Roy work on the kids."
"Can it wait Cap?" Chet asked, "Roy and Johnny are going to have their hands full and will need all the help they can get."
"Alright, but first chance I want you on down time!"
"Right Cap" Marco and Chet both answered.
He turned to walk back to the engine but stopped when Roy called out to him. "Cap, where are Brice and Dillingham?"
"They have already headed to Rampart."
"How's Linda?" Johnny wanted to know.
"Not good, they didn't think she was going to make it."
With that the men fell silent and kept working that much more concentrated on the 3 children on the ground in front of them.
Captain Stanley walked back to the Engine and picked up the mike. "LA, Engine 51, this structure is fully involved; we are going to maintain the scene. Time out 2 hours."
Sam Lanier's voice: "Engine 51, 10-4"
Captain Hank Stanley was not an emotional man but as he looked at the 4 firemen huddled over the children, he knew just how close he came to losing his crew. 'Another 30 seconds he thought and…' Looking around the scene he knew everything was under control for that moment and decided that he needed a moment to himself…on the other side of the engine.
"Rampart this is Rescue 51, Rampart this is rescue 5-1, do you read me?"
"Go ahead 51"…Dixie looked to the nurse standing behind the desk, "Carol, go get Dr. Brackett, he is in room three, he's needed at the base station."
"Rampart we have 3 victims, all children, 2 male, 1 female, ages 1 year, 6, and 4 respectively. Stand by for vitals"
"Standing by 51."
Dr. Kelly Brackett turned the corner to the base station…"Dix, what've got?"
"3 children, all from that same structure fire that 127 brought in. We have been expecting their call, but it sure took them a long time to get them out."
Over the speaker they heard Johnny continue "Victim 1- 1 year old male, breathing is irregular and shallow, we are unable to get a readable blood pressure, he is cyanotic, we have him on 5 liters O2. Victim 2- Male 6 years old, we have inserted and esophageal airway and are assisting his breathing we are doing CPR. Vitim 3-Female Code F."
With the last victim information Roy look up at Johnny with a devastated look on his face and grabbed for an airway and placed it over her face.
"Chet! Start CPR!"
"Roy stop!" Johnny was looking at him not exactly sure what was happening.
Roy didn't seem to hear him, he just pushed Chet out of the way telling him "I said start CPR!" He started chest compressions himself, totally lost in the moment with this little girl.
"Roy! She is gone, she was gone before we got here, now stop and let her be, take care of Charlie…he still needs you."
Roy looked at his partner, and then down at the little girl on the ground before him. She was pale, her lips were blue and she was cold. He knew Johnny was right and he wasn't thinking straight, but he was a professional and within seconds he was back with Charlie listening to his lungs, checking his airway and making sure that his heart had started beating in regular rhythm.
"Squad 51 this is Rampart do you read me?"
Johnny hadn't noticed Dr. Brackett's voice coming over the radio until just now.
"Sorry Rampart, we had to deal with a situation, we read you now."
"10-4 51. On victim one start a pediatric IV, Lactated ringer with 1 mg Lidocaine IV, maintain airway. On victim 2 start IV ringers, slow drip, monitor airway and transport. Victim 3 transport."
"10-4 Rampart."
Johnny looked at Roy who had started to work on the getting the IV set up for Charlie. He was quiet and steady, but he knew his partner and whether he wanted to or not, when this was over Roy was going to talk. He was going to find out what was going on with him. He knew that losing a child is the most difficult thing that a Paramedic or a Fireman had to deal with.
'Of all calls for us to get tonight, Roy didn't need this one, not this call.' Johnny was thinking to himself as he monitored not only the children but his partner as well.
"OK, we're ready to transport here, I'll ride in with them."
"No, Roy, I'll ride in, you drive the squad."
Roy felt like he could have been knocked over by a feather, but deep down he knew Johnny was right. 'DeSoto how could you have lost it like that? And in front of the guys! Well, it won't happen again…I won't get that close again. Ever.'
Chapter 4
The ambulance arrived at Rampart with Dr. Kel Brackett, Dr. Joe Early and Dr. Morton waiting at the door with Nurse Dixie McCall. Johnny jumped out and started relaying information on the victims to the doctors.
"OK Johnny, we'll take it from here, Joe, I've got victim one in room three."
"OK Kel, take him to room one, and call pediatrics and get them on stand by."
"Yes, Dr. Early," came the reply from Carol, Dixie's ER nurse."
Dixie, knowing everything was under control in the exam rooms took it upon herself to see after Johnny. "This one was a bad one, huh?" He just nodded his head too tired to speak. "Why don't we get you some coffee and I'll round up some scrubs you can change into so you can get out of those clothes. That might help."
"Sounds good to me!" came the reply along with one of Gage's famous crooked smiles.
He followed her to the nurse's lounge and thought he would wait for Roy there. He should be along behind him any minute.
When he sat down he didn't realize until just then that he felt like he had been standing for hours. He was just about to settle in to a light sleep when the door opened and Roy walked in.
"Hi Roy!" Dixie said with a smile in her voice. "Here have some coffee; I bet you sure could use it…"
"No thanks Dix…how are the kids, and how is there mother, Linda."
The short tone in his voice took her by surprise and she shot a look at Johnny. "Well, Roy, we haven't heard about the kids just yet, Kel and Joe are still in there with them. The baby was doing well though we think that he may…"
"What about Charlie?"
She was quiet, until he repeated his question. Then she determined that this was a serious conversation and not just an inquiry about a patient.
"We don't know yet, it doesn't look good."
"What about Linda?"
"She didn't make it. She died about 10 minutes after the ambulance arrived."
Roy was silent as he let the words sink in and as he sank into the chair at the table. Dixie placed a cup of coffee in front of him and silently he picked up the cup and began to drink it. She sat down across from him not wanting to leave him right then and not quite able to determine exactly what was going on. Everything was quiet until Dr. Early walked into the room.
Johnny and Roy both stood up as Johnny asked him, "Doc, how's Charlie?"
The quiet Doctor grew even quieter as he look down and said "I'm sorry guys."
"Damn!" the Paramedic was thinking about Charlie when he suddenly remembered his partner standing there. "Roy?" "Roy?"
"Leave me alone Johnny…I'll be waiting in the squad" and then he left the room.
Joe and Dixie stood there with a confused look on their face looking for an explanation from his partner. He just looked at them and headed to the door to go find his partner.
He stopped and turned around knowing that their friends needed some type of answer.
"He's tired, it's been a long shift, and this was a bad call."
They just smiled at him as he walked through the door and without speaking Joe and Dixie looked at each other knowing that there was more there than Johnny wanted to reveal to them. They had never seen Roy act that way before and they were more that just a little concerned.
Johnny walked out to the squad finding Roy sitting there quiet, sullen and staring out the window. He got in silently and when he was settled in, Roy started the squad and headed toward the station. Neither of them spoke on the way back and when they had backed into their position Johnny watched his partner head straight to the lockers to shower and change. He thought to himself 'The guys will be here in a while and they will want some coffee,' so he headed out to the kitchen to start a fresh pot.
He had been sitting there about 20 minutes when he heard the engine pull in and the guys slowly fall out.
"Coffee…I smell coffee."
"Yeah Marco, there is a fresh pot on the stove…thought you might want some."
"Thanks John."
"Welcome."
"Gage, what was up with Roy at the scene? I have never seen him act that way before."
"I don't know Chet…just a bad call I guess."
Captain Stanley hearing this exchange said "Gage, can I see you in my office."
"Right Cap."
They went to Captain Stanley's office and he shut the door behind them.
"So, what was Chet talking about? Something happen with Roy at the scene?"
Johnny took a deep breath and then relayed the entire incident out for the Captain.
Captain Stanley leaned back in his chair and studied the situation before speaking. "Do you think he needs some time off? I know this was a bad call."
"I don't know Captain, let me talk to him. We have 3 three days coming to us after this shift, maybe I can get him out of town or somewhere different, away from the city."
"Sound like a good idea, but Gage, I'm looking to you to let me know at the first sign of trouble or the first sign that he may need to be put on leave. Got it?"
"Got it."
With that he turned and left the office and headed to the locker room. Roy was showered and changed and looked up when he walked in.
"You OK?"
"Yeah…I want to apologize for…well for the way I acted at the scene. It was uncalled for."
"Forget it."
"I mean it Johnny."
"I know you do, but I do too. I said forget it. We did the very best we could in a very difficult situation…besides we have lost victims before. It comes with the job. I don't really think that is behind what has been going on here."
Roy was silent as Johnny sat beside him.
"I am going to shower and change, but partner when I am done, we are going to have to talk. You're not getting out of it this time."
"Who made you my boss?"
"Cap did, at least in this situation. So it is either me or him, which do you prefer?"
Not waiting for an answer he turned to go to the shower to wash the soot and grime of the fire off of him, not really expecting an answer to his question anyway.
'He has no choice now, life may have stopped, but if I have anything to do with it, he is going to start living again…and that's a promise.'
Chapter 5
Johnny was making a final inspection of the Land Rover to be sure that it was packed with everything they would need for the next three days.
"Tents, sleeping bags, cooler, fishing rods, bait, food locker, first aid kit...I think that is about it." He then jumped in and headed down the drive toward Roy's house. 'He's not going to back out on me either, even if I have to rope him and tie him to the roof rack!'
He smiled to himself at the thought of seeing his best friend tied to the top of his vehicle as he sped down the highway. He could picture just how mad his partner would be and it made him laugh out loud. He was lost in his thoughts until he was at Roy's house and he blew the horn. To his surprise, Roy came out with his duffle bag in hand, threw it in the back of the Rover with no protests.
'Yeah, he's ready for this too, good; maybe we can make some progress over the next couple of days. Getting back to nature has a way of bringing out your inner most feelings.'
Because of his Indian background on the reservation, Johnny held true to the belief that we are all connected to nature in some way, and reaffirming that connection can be a healing thing to go through.
"Morning, Roy!"
"Good Morning."
Johnny observed his partner and decided he was genuinely glad to see him and that he was ready for this trip. Being in the wilderness, cutting your own firewood, fishing for your food and working with your hands can help relieve a lot of stress in a man.
"You ready to do some fishing?"
"I hope so."
"I hope so…what is that supposed to mean?"
"Remember this last time you took me fishing in these parts? We didn't catch any fish…none. Wound up eating chili at the diner."
"Well, that won't happen this time. I called the Sherriff and he told me the best camping and fishing spots."
"Oh great! That last time we hooked up with him we worked our tails off doing rescues for his deputies. Let's see, there was the rock cliff rescue, the fishing boat accident…what else…"
"OK Roy, I get the picture. This time will be different...I promise, Pally."
"Whatever you say, Junior."
The small talk continued throughout the ride to the mountain and their camping site. They talked about work, camping, fishing, and the last time they were here in the mountains, and the time the brought Chet along, but Johnny was careful not to bring up anything about their last rescue on Lincoln St or any thing else that might cause Roy to shut him out.
They set up camp and secured all their gear and headed to the lake. Each man was in their own fishing world and this time the catch was better. It was about 6:00 in the evening and they had enough trout for dinner and breakfast, so they headed back to camp to dress the fish before it got dark.
About 2 hours later the fire had been built, the fish had been cleaned, cooked and eaten, the pan washed and now they were sitting back in their camping chairs looking at the stars that were beginning to peek through the navy blue sky.
"Here Roy, have a beer."
"Thanks, don't mind if I do."
Johnny studied his partner for a minute. 'This has been a good day.' He thought.
Roy was staring at the sky thinking hard about some things when he broke the silence.
"Johnny?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing."
Carefully watching his best friend, Johnny decided that it was time.
"Roy, it's been 2 years."
"I know."
"Tell me what's going on."
Upon hearing the concern in his partner's voice and without looking at him, Roy started telling the story that Johnny already knew. Johnny had been there with him right by his side. But he also knew that Roy needed to tell the story to someone so he sat and listened to every detail as he poured out his heart to him.
"Johnny, do you remember that day, 2 years ago? It had been a good day. We had gotten that little girl out of the swimming pool. Near drowning, and we got her back…do you remember?"
"I remember."
"Boy we were on cloud nine. Even Dr. Brackett said if we had been one minute later, she wouldn't have made it."
"I know...it was a very close call."
"What was her name? Heather?"
Roy knew her name because he had relived and replayed this day over and over in his mind for the last 2 years.
"Yeah, I think that was her name."
"Her parents were so grateful that their little girl had been given back to them. She came through with flying colors and before we even left the hospital she was sitting up talking."
"Yeah, I even think she complained about being hungry."
"Dixie promised her a cheeseburger, fries and a milk shake."
Johnny laughed thinking back.
"She was a beautiful little girl, blond hair and blue eyes. Looked a lot like her mother…"
With that Johnny knew that Roy was no longer thinking about Heather. His mind had gone to another place.
"Roy, it was not your fault."
"How can you say that? I wasn't there, I didn't help."
"You shouldn't feel that way?"
"How dare you tell me how I should or shouldn't feel? You were there and I know that you did all you could…but it wasn't fair."
"I'm sorry, Roy."
"I'm sorry I snapped at you. You know that I am grateful for every thing that you did for my family and me…but…I just can't let it go…I just can't move on."
Johnny knew that Roy was right, but he also knew that he had to find a way to come to peace with himself and what had happened and he hadn't realized until just now that he had to forgive himself too. Forgive himself for not being able to give back to his best friend the most important thing in his life.
They were now both reliving that day 2 years ago.
Chapter 6
It was a good day today. Heather was doing well after a near drowning and her mother had hugged each of them about three times already and her father had shaken their hands at least half a dozen.
Dr. Brackett had even told them that they had done a good job getting her out of the water and getting her stabilized. "If you two had been one minute later getting to her, I don't think this would have been a good outcome," he had told them.
Yes it was a good day.
"Say Dixie you coming to the birthday party tonight?"
"I sure am Roy, Joe and Kel are coming too if that is alright. We all have the night off. By the way, how did you get the evening off?"
"Brice and Dillingham are coving the 2nd half of our shift. We covered for them about a month ago so I called in the payback."
"Both of them are covering? So I guess that means that you are going to be there too Johnny?
"You better believe it! I couldn't disappoint my best girl."
Dixie smiled, "Speaking of the best girl how old is she today Roy?"
"Four years old…can you believe it?"
"Four, so that explains it."
"Explains what?" Johnny wanted to know.
"Why she still has stars in her eyes for you!" she smiled, poking Johnny in the chest. "She is just not yet old enough to know better!"
"That's not funny."
"Yes it is Junior."
"Hey Roy, I need to do some shopping when my shift ends, what does Jennifer like now days?"
"Oh just about anything little girls like, dolls, hair bows, coloring books…just name it, but Dix, don't go to too much trouble."
"No trouble and I'm not going to show up at a birthday party without a gift! That would just be plain rude!"
They both laughed and looked at Johnny who had a scowl on his face. "Dolls, hair bows and colors?" he said sarcastically. "Roy, don't you even know what your own daughter likes?"
Roy rolled his eyes and said, "Well just tell me then, what did you get my daughter for her birthday?"
"A horse." He said very proudly!
"A horse?"
"Yes, a horse."
"A HORSE! You got her a real live, breathing, eating HORSE!"
"No…I'm not crazy, it one of those horses on the metal frame with the springs that they can ride on in the back yard!"
With a sigh of relief Roy looked at Dixie "a horse…"
"What? Jen always loves coming to my ranch to pet the horses and feeding them sugar cubes. I just thought that she needed one at her house to practice on so I can teach her to ride in a year or two."
"Oh great!"
"I tell you what Roy, I will have Kel and Joe get her the Cowgirl hat and the boots to go with it, how about that?"
"Gee thanks, Dixie, encourage him." Roy said thumbing over to Johnny.
"See you boys about 6:00."
"Alright…bye Dix."
They had restocked their supplies with Dixie and were heading back to the squad to go to the station for lunch when Sam Lanier's voice came over the handy talkie.
"Squad 51, are you available?"
Roy thumbed the mike, "Squad 51, available."
"Stand by for response."
Then the tones sounded.
"Squad 51, with Engine 51, traffic accident with injuries, 310 Broadway, 310 Broadway, Ambulance is responding, time out 12:09"
"Squad 51, 10-4"
They raced to the squad and left Rampart with lights and sirens.
"310 Broadway, that is just down from the Station. The engine company will probably beat us to the scene."
"You're probably right." And even thought Roy knew that they were more than capable of stabilizing the scene, he sped up just a little to get there as quickly as he could.
"I see them, Roy, about another 3 blocks ahead."
Roy's stomach tightened and he instantly knew that something was wrong. He had this feeling from time to time, and it was more than just adrenaline, but this time it was different. Something was wrong, very wrong and he couldn't put his finger on it.
They came to a stop and they each jumped out to start grabbing their gear to go to work when Captain Stanley came over to them.
"Chet, help Johnny get the gear and set up. Roy I need you to sit this one out."
Roy looked confused at his Captain and wondered why he would pull him off the rescue. It was then that he notice an all too familiar vehicle, a light blue sedan…it belonged to him. It was Joanne. The victim on this call was Joanne.
He pushed away from the Captain to get to the car. He had to see if she was alright, what kind of injuries she had, but the Captain was having no argument here.
"Roy no! Let John do his job, he has Chet and Marco to help him and we called for another squad to help."
"How is she?"
"I don't know."
"My God, Chris and Jennifer, what am I going to tell the kids, today is Jennifer's birthday."
"Look, John knows what he is doing; he will take good care of them."
"'Them' why did you say 'them'? "
"Roy, let's get someone to take you to Rampart, you can wait for news there and it won't be long before John is there."
"No, dammit, now answer me! You said 'them'!"
Then with as much strength and compassion as Captain Stanley could show he looked Roy straight in the eye. "Roy, Chris and Jennifer are in the car with Joanne."
Chapter 7
Things went black for Roy for just a split second. Everything was moving in slow motion. Mike was getting the K-12 out to work on the roof of Joann's car. The other squad had arrived and they were pulling out the drunk driver from the other vehicle. He seemed to be fine.
'Drunk? What would someone be doing drunk in the middle of the day?' Roy thought to himself.
Mike and Marco were tearing back the roof when four helium balloons floated out of the top of the car. Roy watched them until they were out of sight thinking. 'Balloons, that is why she was out with the kids, she was going to let Jennifer pick out her birthday cake at the bakery and Chris always got Jennifer balloons for a present. She loves balloons.'
He was watching the scene unfolding in front of him. Funny it didn't even seem real. 'It's like watching TV... Where is the sound? I wonder why I'm not hearing the sound.'
"Roy…Roy…"
He looked up to see Police Officer Vince standing in from of him.
"Roy, I am going to take you to the hospital to wait for everyone there. They just about have the car cut open so it won't be much longer."
Without arguing he followed him to the patrol car and slipped into the front seat and they were beginning to pull away. Vince stopped when Roy cried out.
"Wait...Cap!"
Captain Stanley hurried over to the patrol car. "What is it pal?"
"Tell Joann and the kids that I love them and I will be waiting for them at the hospital."
Roy didn't see the pained look that his Captain shot to Vince.
"Sure Roy, I'll tell them…Vince, get him out of here."
"Right."
Captain Stanley watched the patrol car pull away and he ran back over to the wreckage that was displayed in front of him. His men were working frantically trying to get Roy's family out of this mangled metal that used to be a car.
One by one Johnny started assessing the victims.
'Roy's family' He thought. 'Get a grip John Gage, they are victims right now, nothing personal, treat the victims."
Captain Stanley's voice broke his thoughts. "Mike get a reel line in here, we have a gas leak from that other vehicle. Wash it down before we get a spark from the K-12. Then pull the plugs on these motors so we don't catch fire there."
"Right Cap."
Johnny continued with a quick assessment of the three passengers in the car and then relayed orders to the other men standing by.
"Chet I am going to need a neck brace, a back board and a leg splint. Joanne has a cut on her upper thigh that is bleeding pretty badly. Looks like she may have cut the femoral artery. She has lost a lot of blood so I'll need a tourniquet too."
"On the way!"
"OK Marco, Get a back board and a pediatric neck brace for Chris. He is in shock so bring me the IV kit. He is going to need one quick if we are going to pull him through."
"Got it!"
"Cap can you get me a line open to Rampart to let them know what is going on. Let them know that Roy is ahead of us so they can get in a room. If I know him he will head straight to the base station."
"Sure thing…what about Jennifer, what equipment do you need for her?"
It seemed to both men that it was an hour before Johnny answered. It wasn't really true until he said it. "She's Code F, Cap; she never knew what hit her. Looks like a broken neck when she hit the windshield."
Nothing more was said as Johnny covered her up with a yellow thermal blanked to hide the scene from the onlookers that were beginning to gather around.
"Rampart this is Rescue 51"
"Go ahead 51" come the reply from Dr. Joe Early at the base station.
Captain Stanley relayed all the information to the hospital regarding the scene, including the fact that Roy was on his way there now to wait information regarding his family.
"Understood 51" Dr. Early started giving treatment instructions to the men at the scene. Once that was done he picked up the white phone receiver from the wall and instructed the operator to page Dr. Brackett and Nurse McCall to the base station.
Once they were there he gave them all the information that he knew.
Dr. Brackett then took over. "Ok here's the game plan. Joe you take Chris and I'll take Joanne, Dixie, have OR stand by incase we need to take either of them up to surgery. Call Brad Robinson, he is the best vascular surgeon on staff. Make sure that we have plenty of O Positive blood available. If Johnny is right about the femoral artery she is going to need it. Also Dixie, call Carol and Mike down here to help, Roy is going to be in no condition to be left alone and I want you to stay with him. Joe stay at the base station and I will get the rooms set up. Alright, let's go."
They each set about their tasks when approximately fifteen minutes later Vince arrived with Roy and Dixie was there waiting. She ushered him into the lounge as quickly as she could and she hurried him past the base station where Joe was giving more instructions regarding the incoming patients. She got him a cup of coffee and sat across from him, giving him time to talk when he was ready.
"Dixie, have you heard from Johnny?"
"Yes Roy, they are on their way."
"How are they?"
"I'm not sure, Joe is handling the base station and I have been getting ready for the ambulances, so I have not been there to hear all of the information. We'll know soon. Johnny is coming."
She lied…she knew exactly how Joanne and Chris were doing and it was not good. She also knew that Jennifer was a Code F but decided not to let Roy know until the rest of the men from Station 51 could get there, especially Johnny. He was going to need them now more than ever. She was torn between staying there with Roy and hearing information from the base station, but she dared not leave him alone. Not right now.
A few minutes later Johnny, Captain Stanley and the other men walked in to the room with Dixie and Roy and she felt safe to leave him. She promised him that she would find out what she could and be back with information.
"Johnny how are they."
He took the seat across from him and knew that he couldn't lie to his partner, his best friend. He never has been able to. Roy could always see right through him.
"Roy it not good."
The other men from 51 gathered around closer to them for support. They knew what Johnny was about to say.
"Tell me Johnny…"
"Joanne cut the femoral artery and lost a lot of blood. We got the bleeding to stop but she is in deep shock. Dr. Brackett has her in surgery now. Chris has a broken neck. He stopped breathing in the ambulance. We assisted him until we got here to emergency…"
There was a long pause while he gathered strength he had to tell his friend the worse news he ever had to tell anyone. …"Roy, Jennifer didn't make it. She died at the scene. There was nothing I could do."
"What!" Roy screamed at him, "Nothing you could do? I thought you were the best Paramedic in the field. Nothing you could do! Did you even try?"
Johnny just turned away knowing that Roy didn't mean what he had just said, but it still didn't stop the hurt the words caused.
"Roy!" Captain Stanley's voice filled the room…then a little softer "Roy, I was there, we all were there, Chet, Marco and Mike we were all there right beside Johnny. I can promise you that he did everything that he could possibly do."
They knew Roy was hurting and angry. They also knew that nothing they said to him was going to make the situation better and it could even get a lot worse.
Dr. Brackett, Dr. Early and Dixie entered the room. All six men had their eyes on them searching their faces for some news about Joanne and Chris.
Dr. Early spoke first, "Roy, I'm sorry, we did all that we could do for Chris. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. CPR was being done and his airway was being assisted, but we just couldn't get him back. I'm so sorry."
There was silence in the room and you could actually hear everyone trying to catch their breath after such a blow had been given to their friend.
"Roy," It was Dr. Brackett. "Roy you've been through a lot tonight but you have to know everything. Do you think you're up to it?" He nodded his head in reply. "OK then, look at me, Joanne had lost a lot of blood, we carried her to the OR, but her heart was just too weak. She fought as long as she could. She never regained consciousness. She didn't make it. She died about 10 minutes after the ambulance brought her in. I'm sorry Roy."
Johnny got up and walked over to his partner and placed his hand on his shoulder. He could feel the trembling and shaking of his muscles as the news began to sink in. The news that in one event, one moment in time, he had lost what was most precious to him...his family…his entire family.
Roy didn't know whether to cry, scream, to pass out or… "I feel sick…Johnny I'm going to be sick."
Johnny grabbed the waste basket that was close by and held his friend until he had emptied himself. "It's alright, Roy, I'm not going to leave you." He motioned for Mike to wet a dish towel on the sink and hand it to him while Dixie went to get a sedative.
Roy stood to his feet with Johnny right there with his arm around him on his shoulder. "I want to see them."
Chapter 8
Roy was staring out at the stars. "Funny, Johnny, I can still feel your hand on my shoulder."
"Roy…"
He hadn't noticed that his friend gotten up from the place that he was sitting by the fire and had stood by him and put his hand on his shoulder. Johnny knew he had to let him know that he was still there when he could see him shaking in the moonlight. When he was satisfied that he was ok, he returned to his seat after getting another beer out of the cooler for himself and handed one to Roy.
"Johnny, this past weekend was Jennifer's birthday…and the day I lost my family."
"Is that why you took balloons to the park?"
"It wasn't really the park. I took them to the cemetery. I was going to place them by her grave, but decided to let them go…that is what Jen used to always do after her birthday party was over…I watched them until I couldn't see them anymore…silly huh?"
"No, not if that is what you needed to do."
"I took flowers to Joanne and Chris. Then came home and cleaned out the garage. When I pulled in a saw it, I could just hear Joanne in that irritated voice of hers, telling me that I have my pottery supplies scattered all over the place. I fixed Chris' bike too. It had a flat tire."
"Roy"
"Yeah?"
"It's been two years…"
"I know...do you know that I am having trouble remembering? I barely remember the funeral service…and lately it is getting hard to remember what Joanne looked like without seeing a picture. Or Jennifer's voice or Chris' laugh."
"Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to Joanne and the kids?"
"What?
"Don't you think that Joanne would want you to be happy? She wouldn't want you to be alone and miserable. And the kids…your focus has been on that one day. The day that their lives ended, you don't allow yourself to think about the years before that day that you had with them. All of the good times, the happy times before the accident. That is not fair to them that the only memory that you allow is a tragic one."
"I've never thought about it that way…but it is so hard."
"Grief and the grieving process is always hard…that is the price of love…but if you love them then you will go on with life because of them."
"Johnny I miss them so much…"
"And you are supposed to…I'm not asking you to stop missing them. No one can ask you to do that. I am asking you to start living your life again, and stop just existing."
"That call the other day…it brought it all back…fresh…just like the day it happened."
"I know…but you are in a position to help Mr. Baker, you have been where he is at right now, and you survived. Maybe you can convince him that he can survive too."
"I'm not sure."
"Let me ask you this…what if it had been you. We have a dangerous job, you know that. What if on that last call if the roof had caved in, or Marco hadn't found the back staircase? We were not far from never coming out of the building. What if it had been you and Joanne was here to get the news. Would you want her to sit in the house alone, and grieve for years?"
"No of course not."
"Then listen to her voice. Hear her voice in your heart and what would she say? I tell you what she would say… 'Royal Christopher DeSoto! What do you think you are doing?'"
Roy smiled the first real smile that he had in a long time. He knew Johnny was right and he could hear her voice.
"Roy you know that you would have Joanne and the kid's permission to be happy. Now you have got to give yourself permission."
"I'm going to take a walk."
As he got down to the lake next to the water all the emotion that he had bottled up for the past two years came gushing out of him, just like the water that was rolling down between the banks. "I'm so sorry Jo! I'm so sorry Chris and Jen! I wasn't there! I wasn't there to help you! To protect you…Jen I'm sorry you didn't have your birthday party! Chris I'm sorry you didn't get to play little league! God I'm so sorry! I'm sorry that I am still here and not with you." He fell to the ground and poured out his tears with all the emotion that he had.
Then it was over. He was quiet, his mind was quiet and his heart was quiet. He had forgiven himself, which had been the hardest thing that he has done during this whole 2 year long nightmare. Things were so quiet that he finally could hear Chris' laughter and Jennifer calling out "Daddy!" He could see Joanne and she had never looked more beautiful than she did right then in his memory. He had to remember to tell Johnny "Thank you" for giving him his life back, but right now he didn't want to disturb this moment.
It wasn't until he heard a bird singing happily in the background that he realized that it was morning and the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. He had been there all night. He decided that he had better get back to the camp before Johnny got worried and hurried after him when he noticed a blanket about 100 yards away from where he was. Roy went over and picked up the blanket and recognized it immediately.
"An Indian blanket…Johnny's blanket." It was then that he knew that his partner, his best friend was not worried about him, but from 100 yard away on the hill above where Roy was, had sat up all night long watching over him in his darkest hour.
Roy made his way back up the hill and down the path to where they had set up camp. Johnny was there and had a fresh pot of coffee going and the trout in the pan frying. Boy it smelled good too. He was surprised at how hungry he was.
"There you are Roy DeSoto! I was getting worried about you. The next time you decide to off and sleep by yourself, let a guy know. I thought I was going to have to call the Engine Company to come up here and help me find you…if it was my snoring then I'm sorry, but there was no reason to run off…"
As he was talking Roy walked up to him and handed him a folded blanket. Johnny knew that he had been caught and sheepishly flashed that crooked grin.
"There it is…something must have carried it off last night after you left on your walk. I have been looking everywhere for it!"
"Yeah, must have. I wish I knew how it got there on that hill side. Sure would like to thank them for being so close by last night…with your snoring and all."
Roy gave him a knowing smile and turned to help with camp and to set up the fishing gear. Johnny could see a difference in his partner. There was a peace about him that had not been there in a long time. 'Good to have you back, Pally" he thought to himself.
The rest of the day they spent fishing and laughing about all of the times that they had been in close calls together. They talked about 'The Phantom' and how it was about time for him to show back up at the station again. They did some hiking and even decided to do some rock climbing and repelling. They saw a black bear and her cub eating honey, and they were even chased away by the bees and the bears when they go too close to the hive.
They came back to camp late, exhausted from the day's adventure and from the lack of sleep from the evening before. They were tired, but a good tired. They fixed another dinner of fish and Johnny had fried up some wild roots that he picked up while they were hiking today with some wild berries for desert.
The stars were beginning to peak through their dark blanket again and Roy looked over at his partner who was already fast asleep in his sleeping bag. He decided that he would head into his own tent to get some sleep to, but before he did, he looked up toward heaven and said, "Goodnight Jo, Goodnight Jen and Chris, I love you." Then he thought to himself, 'this has been a good day, a very good day.'