AN: I forgot to mention in the last chapter, but my main inspirations for this are the DP/GF webcomics Cold Front and You Smell Like Death, as well as the WolfSpirit79's youtube video "PHANTOM FALLS - The Supernatural". Do yourself a favour and go check them out, they have the sort of atmosphere I'm going for (well, not YSLD... but it inspired my use of Robbie) while having quite different plot-lines.

RE - Guest: Your assumption that this fic will be re-written episodes is incorrect. I'll use a couple of events from the canon episodes as plot points, but I'll take things in largely different directions from there.

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Playing the Tourist

Waking up on a mattress on the floor in his cousin's room was a disorienting experience.

Years of living as a ghost had taught Danny one thing – if he woke up and didn't know where he was, he had been kidnapped. As such, habit snapped him into full awareness in complete silence. He wasn't tied down, which meant-

The sight of his borrowed thin flannel blanket was enough for Danny stop his half-formed escape plans and remember where he was. He smiled as he smelled breakfast from the kitchen, pancakes and bacon and maybe eggs. His stomach growled as he got dressed.

Danny was the last one in the family to get to the kitchen.

The room was crowded. It was built to house less than eight people. Somebody had pulled in extra chairs and set them around the table, but there was hardly any room for them. The noise was deafening, as Danny's dad maintained his usual volume and everyone around him had to match it in order to make themselves heard of the sound in the room.

Danny got a few good mornings as he entered the room. He returned them and sat down (with some difficulty, since the sides of the chairs were practically touching).

Jazz passed him the pancakes and breakfast went back to the organized chaos it had previously been.

To his left, his dad was arguing with uncle Dan about it was better to shoot or punch stuff. Danny felt that discussion was best left alone.

Jazz was talking to, or rather at, Wendy about going to college. It seemed the Corduroy girl wasn't planning to, even though she had plenty of time before she needed to make up her mind about it. Danny knew that discussion was best left alone.

Even though he decided to just not talk to anyone, breakfast went by quickly.

"Well, I'm off to work." Wendy leaned back in her seat, obviously happy to have an excuse to get away from Jazz. "Still wanna come with?" The last part was directed at Danny.

Danny shrugged. "Sure, I guess."

"Aunt Maddie? Uncle Jack?"

The adults nodded enthusiastically.

Jazz hid her amusement poorly. "I'm going to go to the library."

"Don't be like that, Jazzypants. You've gotta join us!"

Jazz took one look at her father's puppy dog eyes before caving. "Fine."

The Mystery (S)hack was great.

Everything was obviously fake and Danny loved it. It was nice to look at paranormal stuff without anything trying to eat his face. Also, the Sascrotch was a horrible pun and Danny loved horrible puns.

Bonus points; Wendy let them in for free, after making them promise not to tell anyone she did so.

Danny tried to stifle his laughter, since he had a nagging feeling the owner would throw him out if he didn't. Jazz wasn't helping, the way she pointed out the very visible stitching on a taxidermy duck-badger thing.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and he pulled Jazz with him into the gift shop.

Wendy was slouched against the counter, somehow having already found the time to pull out a magazine to read.

Danny wondered how much actual work she did at work.

The gift shop was pretty standard, aside from the super creepy bubble-heads. Danny pulled one down from the shelf and brought it over to his cousin. "What is this?"

"Those all look like Mr Pines; my boss."

Danny looked at the monstrosity. Danny looked at Wendy, waiting for her to cave and tell him that she was joking. She didn't. Danny carefully put the bubble-head back on its shelf.

His feelings must have shown on his face, they usually did, because Wendy burst out into laughter. It didn't take much for him to join her.

Danny was leaning against the counter, arm pressed to his stomach, when somebody else entered the gift shop.

He looked down to see two brown haired kids.

"Jazz, Danny these two are Dipper and Mabel Pines." Wendy waved her hand to subtly point at each person in turn.

Mabel smiled brightly, showing off braces. She had a bright sweater on and Danny, who produced his own cold, wondered how she survived in the warm summer weather.

Dipper, rather than sharing the sunny disposition of his sister, scowled at Danny. Danny couldn't help but wonder how he'd manage to make an enemy of the kid in the short time they'd known each other... but on the other hand he always made enemies. It wasn't much weirder than all the ghosts that attacked him on sight, right? The kid's glare shifted between Danny and Wendy.

"Dipper and Mabel; meet my cousins."

Dipper immediately seemed a lot nicer, a genuine smile replacing the scowl.

Danny was very confused.

Jazz giggled, so apparently she understood something Danny didn't. Psychology nerd.

"Hi." Danny smiled at the two, not quite knowing what to think but willing to be friendly with anyone who didn't try to kill him... His standards were probably a bit too low when it came to potential friends. "Sooooo... what are you doing here this early in the morning?"

"Our great uncle owns the place." Dipper shrugged, having apparently decided that he didn't hate Danny.

"Oh... that's nice." Things were getting awkward. What did people even talk about when they weren't attacked by ghosts? Probably not astronomy... but his name was Dipper. Danny really wanted to talk about astronomy. "Soooo... Why are you called Dipper?"

The kid turned an interesting shade of red. Danny looked over at Wendy, but she seemed just as confused.

"Ah... erm..." Dipper's eyes were darting around, as if looking for an escape route. "Oh look at the time, I've got to go." Dipper looked theatrically at his watchless wrist before darting out of the room.

"He could have just said he didn't want to tell me."

Mabel petted Danny's elbow in sympathy before running after her brother.

'Good job brining up something painful, Fenton... This is why I only have three human friends.'

Maddie smiled as she looked around the Mystery Shack. She'd never been there before, it must have been built after her last visit. That must have been... back when Dan's wife had still been alive.

She'd need to ask the kids if they had checked out the tourist trap when they sent them to Gravity Falls for winter break three years ago.

Jack was having a blast, practically skipping between the exhibits.

Danny was trying, unsuccessfully, to not laugh at some stitched-together duck-badger. Jazz was right beside him, doing a much better job at stopping her own giggles.

As the kids ran off to look at the gift shop and talk to their cousin, Maddie joined her husband in looking at a furry salmon, of all things.

"You know who would love this place?" Jack was looking reflective, which was an odd look on him.

Before she could answer him, someone walked to stand behind them. A polite cough caused both of them to turn around to look at the newcomer.

The first thing Maddie saw was the suit. It reminded her of Vlad, and served to immediately set her on edge. Her eyes travelled from it to his eyepatch to his fez before she truly saw his face.

"Stanford Pines!?"

The man's sleazy smile, another part of him that had reminded her of Vlad, dropped like a stone. His eyes widened as he looked them over.

Jack didn't seem to notice.

"Oh man, it's been years. How did that portal project of yours go? We never heard back from you! Were our notes any help? We could take a look at it, if it's still not running..."

The man didn't answer, merely standing shock still and looking at them.

"Hey, want to hear about our portal? We finally got it working!" Jack's enthusiasm was endearing, but Maddie kept her piercing eyes on their old friend. There was somethingoff about him.

People changed over time, sure, but Maddie had a hard time imagining the soft-spoken college kid she'd know growing up to be such a... She wasn't even sure how to put it, but this man didn't match the image she had in her head.

Then she noticed his hands, and the missing sixth fingers.

Her ecto-gun was out and aimed before she fully processed the implications. "Jack, that's not Ford!"

"What? Mads, of course he is!"

"Look at his hands."

Not-Ford cleared his throat. "Ah, erm. I can explain. If you don't shoot me."

Maddie didn't lower her gun. She had no doubt that if she hadn't been aiming it at him, he wouldn't be giving them any explanation at all.

"I'm Stanley, Ford's twin brother."

"Ford doesn't have a twin? I mean, he would have said something if he was a twin, right?" Jack was obviously confused, but didn't seem to find the man a threat.

Stanley looked hurt. He turned away for a moment, collecting himself, before continuing. "We had a falling out."

"Where is Ford?" Maddie put her weapon back in its holster, finding herself willing to believe Stanley. "I mean, have you seen him since you-" She waved her hand a bit, hoping to get the message across.

"Yeah, about that..." A hopeful look crossed Stanley's face. "You said you knew about portals, right? I could use your help."

AN: My notes for the last scene included the phrase "Everything is painful." Do you think I managed to make everybody (mainly Stan) suffer enough? (Why must Stan always suffer?)

Edit (10th Nov 2015): Some readers pointed out timeline issues I'd neglected to think about. So for things to make any sense at all, in this fanfic Ford has been missing for 20 years rather than 30. I don't think it makes that much difference for Gravity Falls and it means that he finished his portal at the same time as three youngsters in Wisconsin University had an accident with their proto-portal. Maddie's latest visit to Gravity Falls was ca 17 years ago - and then the Mystery Shack was still called the Murder Hut in this Universe. Thank you everybody who corrected my mistakes.