Tony pulled his Mustang into a parking spot in front of Ziva's apartment building. He felt unsure about checking up on her. Ziva had a hard time trusting anyone to be close enough to see her sad or what she termed as weak in anyway. He had that privilege once; before Jeanne and that whole crazy mission. He had burned her by lying to her directly. He could have easily told her, of all people, that he was working on something for the director. She would have understood she would have not questioned the details, she had been there. But, he didn't. At first it was because he didn't believe that it would have any impact on the rest of his life. Then he just felt guilty because he felt for Jeanne what he thought he felt for Ziva or was it the other way around. Lately, it felt more like the latter. He had thought endless about Ziva when he was agent afloat. He groaned as he pulled himself out of the car and towards her building.
After the explosion at the warehouse, McGee had taken her home from the hospital; then today she had called off to the surprise of everyone. Ziva never missed work.
At her door he could hear music playing behind the door, he knocked and waited but there was no answer. He knocked louder but there was still no answer. He thought maybe he should just walk away; but he didn't instead he pulled out his key. He had not used it years he wondered if the locks were the same.
Ziva had heard the knocking at the door; but she wasn't sure if at this point she could even get up off the couch. She heard the deadbolt slide effortlessly from the frame. She picked her gun off the table in the dark but she didn't move. She felt him move into the apartment closing the door quietly behind him. She saw him in the light of the candle at same moment he saw her. She tossed he gun lightly back to the coffee table. They both held the silence for a moment.
"If you are going to stay, grab glass from the kitchen on your way in" sighing, she closing her eyes as she spoke. Knowing this was the closes thing to an invitation he was going to get; he took a step to the right and into the kitchen and grabbed a glass before walking into the living room.
Ziva was sprawled across her couch with bottle of tequila over half gone on the coffee table. She lifted her legs up to give him room to join her but he walked past that side of the couch. He went to where her head was lying and motioned for her to sit up. She thought about arguing but she decided against it. She straightened out her legs and pushed with great effort the top of her up. He swiped the bottle and her pillow as he slid in behind her. He placed the pillow on his lap and pulled her head back into his lap. He could tell even in the candlelight her eyes were red and puffy. He took a shot of the tequila after looking carefully at the bottle.
"Tequila is not usually the best way to nurse a concussion" he broke the silence.
"It was not for the concussion" she responded quietly slightly slurring her words. "It was supposed to be a numbing process"
"How's that working for you?" he questioned.
"Well I am not numb yet does that answer your question" she said sarcastically as she turned to her side. She grabbed the bottle off the table and took a long drink letting the caustic fluid burn her throat. She reached out to place it on the table but was having trouble when he took the bottle slowly from her hand. He let his hand slowly smooth hair above her ear. They sat in silence for awhile listening to the music.
All of the music sounded sad to him, although almost all of them were in Hebrew and he did not understand the words. He finally heard the familiar strains of a song begin to play.
"This is me" she said softly not realizing she had actually said it out loud. She began to sing along softly as if she was alone in the room.
The broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can't stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time.
Ziva felt tears running down her cheeks as she became lost in the song for what seemed like the millionth time that night.
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you have already figured out.
Tony felt his heart tighten. As he listens to her sing quietly he knew she was now crying.
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on
Holding on
Holding on
Barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I try my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
They are looking for purpose
They still looking for life
I'm holding on to you Tony. Ziva thought. I don't know why I am, but I am.
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With broken heart that's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name I find meaning so I'm holding on
Holding on to you
Holding on
I'm barely holding on to you.
I'm hang out
Another day
Just to see what you will throw my way.
I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok.
"It will be ok" he whispered as he kissed her temple.
He pulled her closer to him. She didn't sing anymore after that. She rolled over to face him burying her face into his stomach, curling her legs up to his side and cried. He wrapped his arm around her waist and smoothed her hair with the other.
She let him comfort her like he had after Gibbs left. She knew that she had just allowed him back into her space after all that had happened between them. She didn't know if this was a good idea but for tonight she trusted him with her soul.
Sometime after she fell asleep, Tony shut the stereo off and blew out the candle then he gathered her into his arms and carried her to bed. He laid there besides her watching her sleep. He wasn't sure where all this would lead in the morning but he was sure that he just found his best friend, again.
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Broken By Lifehouse
A/N This song has always reminded me of Ziva. I see her as being broken emotionally under her steely façade. I am not sure if this story captures the way I think Tony and her play off each other. I tend to believe that she let him in at some point during season 3 or right after Gibbs left. Tony hurt her twice the first with all the lying with Jeanne and when he froze her out of his life; then after it was over he pushed her away. He then was hurt by her when he realized that she trusted a perfect stranger in Recoil over him and acted out. I think now he understands his feelings for her better after being away from her but does not know where to go from here. Ok I am done musing now. R&R if you would like.