I didn't sleep that night. Lately sleeping was becoming an issue. My head always wandered in places I wanted to avoid. My dreams...or should I say nightmares woke me up every hour. I was beginning to conteplate a sleep deprived life. But that night I kept thinking about the Cullen's, they knew that I knew, they could kill me no one will ever know, no one will ever care. I live alone, I have no family left, I am not only lonely I am all alone.
I got up from bed, at some point, and opened the window and stared outside like somekind of answer was waiting for me there. And just like that I felt like the landscape was looking back at me. I felt a little bit of the tension in my shoulders disappear. I wonder why?
I close the window, I don't deserve any break from the guilt...
Getting ready for school when you didn't even catch a break, an hour of sleep, a glimpse of rest, isn't something easy. But I did it. I was driving to my own personal reality show. Wear a smile, laugh with people, act like a normal person, act like someone who doesn't carry the burden I carry.
Today I'll start my day with Maths, I'll have my bright smile and today I'll make sure I'll make it through the day, that is if no other supernatural mythical creatures come for lunch. When I finally found the biology class a few hours later, I was already late, yes, sometimes life is wonderful.
"Miss Brandon, I see you decided to join us, please take a seat next to Miss Cullen"
I turn around to see Bella, smiling from cheek to cheek at me.
Huh! No! Seriously!
I nodded at my teacher, faked a smiled at Bella when I sat next to her.
Why does it hurt to fake a smile at her.
Bella seemed to notice my smile was unsincere, because her face fell. I felt another hit of guilt.
No! not this the last thing I need is more guilt. Please I have enough already.
"Hello" she said politely "How are you doing today?"
I am broken, guilty, sad, lonely, useless, pained...
"Fine, thank you" I've been doing "Fine" forever now. "How are you?"
She seemed to not believe me, she looked at me, her eyes begging for the truth. Why did she care? I said I was fine, play along. Let's master the ambient social masquerade. That's what highschool is for anyway.
"I am fine too" she wore a pained expression as she said that.
Great wonderful conversation...
"So, Alice what brings you to Forks?" she asked me.
I hate that she talks to me. I would die a little if she stopped.
"Life" Death.
It's the only explanation, I could give...It's the only thing I could say without bursting into tears.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to pry" she said appologetic
I only nodded. Not trusting my voice. I was in Forks because of death, death that I caused. Would she be so nice to me if she knew? If she knew that I let my own blood die...
A few moments passed in silence, when only ten minutes were left before the end of the course..
"You're not really talkative" she stated
I used to be...God! People used to beg me to shut up...But now I have no words left...My mouth wasn't worthy of most of the words..Not anymore.
"I don't have anything to say" I said emotionless.
"I doubt that" she whispered
"You don't know me" I stated
"Everyone has something to say. And I want to know you" she smiled.
Stop being nice at me! Why in the world couldn't I get invisibility as a gift...For all I know my life would've gone a lot better.
"Some things are better left unsaid"
My heart broke at these words. Me , the one who turned silence into a weapon and killed my parents with it. I dared prommote silence. I am a piece of...
The bell rang. I got up as quick as my quivering legs allowed it.
I need to breathe. I need to get out.
I ran toward the exit. I ran, outside school. Thanks god it was lunch break. I had an hour to break down and be fresh for afternoon classes.
I ran into the woods next to school. And I let myself fall. I cried, I cried for them, I cried for me. I cried. My sobs made my whole body shake uncontrollably.
When my eyes opened I saw The Cullen's the five of them. Standing in front of me.
Bella took a step toward me. I took a step back. Her face reflected more pain than I thought she could bare. I never want to see her that sad. I moved back to my original position and gave her an apologetic look. It did the trick, all pain left her face.
"Are you okay?" asked Edward
Huh yeah tots, I cry in the woods every day it's good for my skin.
He smiled at me.
Duh he can read you. Stop thinking! Coun 5, wait what are they doing here? Did they follow me? Oh god they're going to end me in the woods? It is what I deserve after all...I won't fight it.
"We're not here to harm you" he said
At his word Bella looked at me with sadness. All I seem to do is make her sad, maybe I should stop meeting her, or seeing her.
"Alice, our father Carlisle Cullen, wants to meet you" said Jasper
I felt calm, all of a sudden. God if only I could feel like that more often at least I'll sleep sometimes.
"What?! I said finally registering his words
"We told him about our encounter, and he would like to talk to you" spoke softly Bella
"Oh! So basically you want me to follow five vampires somewhere where we can meet other vampires. And I'll face a few vampires and we can what? Talk and have a drink together is that it?" I said harshly
Their face fell, and I cursed myself
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude"
"No, it's okay said Edward I understand"
"No, look I agree. You guys lived here for quite a while without any noticeable murders, I should know better than that. I'll meet him"
"Great! Esmee is really excited to meet you, since Bella..."
The blond Rosalie girl slapped his arm.
Bella looked like she wanted earth to swallow her. And looked at me like I was going to run at any moment.
"Okay, we'll leave you alone" said Edward
"Okay" I nodded.
Bella didn't move. When we were alone she spoke again.
"Why were you crying?" she asked softly
Why was i crying! If only you knew why i was crying.
I didn't answer
"please Alice talk to me" she pleaded.
Why would i? Why should i? Why did i matter to her? Would you still care if you knew what i did? What i didn't?
"I have to go" I said breathlessly
Walking away
"wait please" I stopped but didn't turn around.
"I know we don't know each other, but if you ever feel like talking please know that I'll be there" she said
I nodded and started walking away again.
"wait, we'll meet Carlisle tonight, all you have to do is follow us with your car. Is that okay?"
"yes, i guess it is" I whispered knowing she could hear anyway.
I walked away.
The rest of the day was quiet. I avoided everyone and tried as hard as i could to focus on the lessons.
I couldn't help bu wonder what this Carlisle wanted to talk to me about, what he looked like, his eyes color.
I walked towards my car, to find Bella, the beautiful, Bella, so beautiful.
Yes please Alice, Let's do that, let's fantasize about a vampire girl you just met! It's exactly what you need.
I cursed myself. After that meeting I'll do my best to avoid them. To avoid her.
"We figured it would be easier if I just ride with you and show you the way"
"Yeah, Okay"
I sat on the driver seat, as Bella sat next to me.
I hate driving with someone. You always have to make conversation but the last thing I wanted to do was talk. Talking had soon became for me a synonym of danger, of pain.
I started the engine.
"Thanks again for agreeing to this, I know it must be very difficult for you to trust us" she said
Like anything was easy for me lately!
"Yeah it's okay" I answered
"Do you always do that?"
"Do what?"
"Think of something and say something else"
"You can read minds too?"
"No, I am just observant"
Well, please observe someone else! Nobody should know what's going on in my head. I spent too many years explaining it to psychiatrists.
"Oh, okay" I said
She chuckled.
"I take that as a yes"
What is she on about?
"Yes to what?"
"Yes you never say what you think, always choose other words than yours" her tone was soft and gentle.
I hope I met her in another life, in one where I am not this fucked up. We could've been friends. We could've been more if she allowed it. But not here, not now. Not anymore.
"We are almost there she said after a moment"
My heart beat quickened. Was it bad that I hoped they were all lying and planning on killing me. I am not suicidal. I don't deserve an easy way out...
Bella kept throwing glances to me. It was hard to try and ignore someone who reached out for you. It was hard to fight the urge of stopping the car and tell her everything, to see her face harden to see her eyes turn stern and to see her walk away...
"It's here" she said when we stopped in front of a beautiful house.
I found the rest of the clan already there, waiting for me at the door. There were two more vampires a man and a woman.
The man approached me and gave me his hand to shake.
"Hello, I am Carlisle Cullen"
I contemplated that hand, I shook it. His hands were cold as death. I suppose...
"Hi, I am Esmee Cullen. It's nice to finally meet you Alice" she took a step to pull me into a hug. I retreated so quickly I almost fell.
Her gesture was so sudden so unusual. My parents weren't the hugging type. The only times their skin came in contact with mine ended up being painful memories.
"I am sorry honey, I didn't mean to startle you"
I only nodded at her, ashamed by my own weakness. Maybe I was crazy after all.
"Maybe we should get inside" suggested Carlisle
"I am Alice Brandon" I blurted out " I mean I am sorry I didn't introduce myself properly"
They all smiled, was I a funny person?
Once we were in the living room, I took a moment to see the house around me. It must feel good living here. I don't really remember my room at home. At I shared the one in the asylum. The place I loved in right now in Forks was lifeless while this house breathed life. Ironic isn't it.
"Alice, do you want to drink or to eat something?" asked Esmee
Eat and drink, that was for other times, now I feed when my body crave for it.
"No, thank you" I answered my voice blank
"Alice, I've been told that you know our existence but accepted to keep it for you and I wanted to thank you for that. And for coming here today" spoke the coven leader.
Yeah right! I've been called crazy once, it'll never happen again!
"You're welcome"
"I wanted to know if you had any questions and also if I could ask you some of my own"
"What do you want to know?" I asked emotionless.
"Edward said you knew about us because you met those of our kind, but he also suggested that the ones you met were red-eyed. I must tell you that red eyes means they drink human blood"
My heart broke a little more. I know! I know what they drink!
I clenched my jaws and nodded.
"I guess what I want to know Alice, is how did you met them?"
Don't cry! You don't deserve pity! Don't cry!
I inhaled longly.
"I'd rather not answer that" I said not being able to control my voice.
"It's okay" smiled Carlisle at me "Do you have any questions?"
Did I? What did I want to know?
"Do you feel guilt? I mean do Vampires feel guilt?"
I wanted to know if somewhere, the three monsters felt at least a little bit of what I felt.
As the question exit my mouth, every face showed sadness and understanding.
"I guess some of them do, but the truth is most of them don't"
I guess my hope is as good in the gutter...
"Alice, would your parents mind if you had dinner with us" asked Esmee sweetly.
my stomach has dropped. I felt the bile lava rise in my throat. I felt Bella's arm guiding me quickly to the bathroom.
I threw up in a house that was not mine, I rinsed the mouth and went out. No sooner had I opened the door I found myself in the arms of Bella.
With her arms wrapped around me I felt good. But I had to go, I had to let go, if I got attached and she found about my past, it will destroy what's left of me.
I tried to pull away, but she brought me back to her chest, and whispered in my ear.
"Please let me be there for you"
So I stood there enjoying a comfort that I didn't deserve, a comfort that I'll feel guilty about later.
Eventually she let go of me, and grabbed my hand to guide me to the living room again.
"Honey are you okay?" asked Esmee.
"Yes, I am sorry about..."
"Don't you dare, it's okay to be sick. So about that dinner" She asked again
"My parents...My parents don't live with me" I said keeping tears at bay
"Oh? Are they far away"
It depend what you think about death...
I didn't have the time to answer, Edward did it for me.
"Mom Alice's parents are … They're gone"
Don't cry! Just walk away and don't look back.
As soon as I started walking I was in Bella's arms again.
"Please don't leave" she whispered in my ear.
I hated my body, for the shiver it sent down my spine.
"I am so sorry honey, I didn't know. I am sorry" said Esmee
I pulled away from Bella. Taking all the remaining strength of my body I spoke again.
"Don't be sorry." my voice was cold "Thank you for this conversation, and again sorry for getting sick in your house.
"You know, I am about to say something, please don't take any offense but your secret is safe with me, whether we talk to each other or not, so don't feel like you have to" I said bluntly.
I was met with silence. Okay that's done.
I started walking to the door.
"Hey, I still talk to you anyway, I am highly amused by your size" spoke Emmett.
I laughed. I actually laughed at this. I laughed for the first time in more than a year. It hurts a bit. But I laughed.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Bella looking at me with a smile on her face. But her eyes met mine and she looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time.
"Honey, you are welcomed here anytime, it's not because we owe you even if we do, but because we want to" spoke Esmee.
"Thank you"
"Come on, sit a while longer" smiled Bella.
I didn't have the strength to deny her that. I'll stay. Tonight will be enough to wallow in self hatred.
I did as I was told.
Suddenly I thought about something.
"Edward do you speak French?"
"No, I don't" he answered right away.
Do you hear me? [Thought in French]
He chuckled.
"Interesting, but I still understand" he said
"Well done FODOR" I whispered
"Who's Fodor?" asked Jasper
"He's a philosopher, he claimed that they weren't any languages in thoughts but one universal language. Apparently he was right"
"You love philosophy?" asked Bella
"I had a lot of time in my hands and a lot of reachable books" I answered.
"Alice, Do you live alone?" asked Esmee
I nodded.
"But how come you are only seventeen?"
"I am an emancipated Kid" I stated
"Well, if you ever need to talk, to be surrounded you are welcomed here"
Here it comes, pity, the undeserved pity.
"Thank you, I have to go though" I said getting up
"I'll drive you" said Bella
"I came with my car"
"I'll drive with your car then"
"How will you come back?" I asked
She chuckled.
"I am a fast runner" she smiled
Yeah sure, that is stupid
"Okay, thank you" I smiled and turned to the other Cullen's
"It was nice meeting you." I smiled
"Thank you, it was nice meeting you too"
I walked out, followed by Bella.
"You really don't have to do that" I said again
"I want to"
We were driving for a few minutes.
"You have a beautiful laugh you know" she said smiling at me
"Thank you"
"Alice if you ever want to talk about anything, you know about.."
"I know" I cut her. I didn't want to her that word again. My stomach won't handle it well
"Well, I am here"
"Thank you" I said
She pulled next to my house, and gave me back my car keys.
"Here you are, what are you going to do?"
"Sleep" Try to!
"Please promise me you'll eat something"
"What?"
"You didn't have lunch, nor breakfast I suppose. I heard your stomach growl when we drove to my house. Please Alice eat"
"You think I have a food disorder?"
"No, but sometimes eating is not a priority" she stated
"Okay" I said
"Promise" she said again
"Okay, I promise" I said
She flashed a smile at me.
"Good night Alice" she kissed my cheek
"Good night Bella"
And just like that she ran.
I ate a sandwich. I brushed my teeth, I got in my underwear, under the blanket and I slept.
Well more like fainted from exhaustion.
Here is for the second chapter :)
Let me know what you think
Thank you