Chapter 2 My Trust Issues

I snuck into the room where I had spotted him lying down. His glazed over eyes were open, staring blankly at the ground. And I have to admit, that scared me. Newbie's body was slumped over one arm of the couch, his head hanging and mouth opened slightly. I tiptoed over to him and shook him a little bit. " Newbie, what is it? "

I'll never forget the way he looked up at me, with eyes so miserable that just looking at him made me want to cry. And let me tell you, there isn't much in this world that can make me do that.

Newbie struggled to sit up, and with every movement I saw pain flash in his eyes. The room was dark, but not so much so that I couldn't clearly see. Bruises littered all of his exposed skin and from the way he was walking, his unexposed skin too, maybe more.

" Newbie, did you pick a fight with Muhammed Ali or something? You're really bruised up, kid. " I have to admit, I was getting pretty worried. Although he was a general annoyance to me, I was still a doctor and it was my job to care.

" I don't wanna talk about it..." he could barely speak.

He didn't want to talk? He always talked!

" Don't give me that... what's wrong? " he was really out of it, his pupils were dilated and his mouth hung down.

" Newbie... Newbie?! J.D! "

He was unresponsive. The empty bottle of pills fell out of his hand.

" Oh no..."

J.D's Flashback

He was walking to the bus stop from the bar after Turk and Carla had left. It was dark. The buildings were trashy, paint peeled off and graffiti littering every surface. Panic was rising in the young doctor. " Where am I?" his pace quickened as he tried desperatly to regain some sense of direction. The dull light coming from the lampposts was no assistance, and he couldn't for the life of him figure out where he was. Fear was taking over his mind. He walked faster yet again, when he saw them. The figures in the shadow of a nearby alleyway. He turned the second he'd realized what was happening, but it was much too late. 5 people pulled him into the dark alley. No, maybe it was 6... It was dark and he couldn't see much of anything. The tallest man in the group grabbed J.D by the collar and smashed him against the wall, holding him up as each man punched him in the stomach. He tried to escape, but his efforts were quickly stopped by a swift punch in the groin. J.D panicked, unable to catch his breath. The tall man threw J.D across the alley and his body crunched at the fall. He clenched his eyes shut and waited for it to all be over. There were feet everywhere, kicking, stepping. They spat all over his broken body. J.D could feel a warm substance all around him. Blood. He was lying in a puddle of his own blood. He knew that at least one of his ribs were broken. He could barely move a muscle and was more than relieved when the beating stopped. Then, an odd coolness was on his legs. He shivered and opened one eye. One of the men had pulled J.D's and his own pants down. With one hand, he effortlessly threw J.D on his stomach and pulled down his boxers. Sharp pain shot through his back side.

He finally let his tears fall. The pain was so intense that he wanted nothing more than to die. Death would be better, anything would be better. His broken rib(s) were being pushed hard against the dirty cement with his rapist's movement. After a long time, he got off. Each man took his turn at J.D, kicking, punching, spitting...raping, until finally, hours later, they got bored. The sun was coming out and he could clearly see his attackers. After one last swift kick, they swiped the cash out of his wallet and left. J.D lay on the cement for awhile after that, having completely lost the will to live. Finally, he struggled up. WIth every single movement, pain surged up and down his battered body. Black dots invaded his vision as he fought for conciousness. He barely managed to pull his clothes on without passing out. The entire area was deserted and from where he stood, he could barely make out a sign about a mile away. " Sacred Heart Hospital "

Then, something within him came back to life and he miraculously had strength. Through the pain he thought about his friends, he couldn't die, they would be sad. J.D always wanted to please everyone. So he stood up and walked. The man with the broken ribs, the internal bleeding, and all the pain, stood up and walked. It was pure willpower that he'd been able to walk the mile and a half down the road to the hospital in his condition. He was sneaky, not wanting anyone to see, to know what happened.

He took a backway into the hospital, avoided all people and snuck into a staff bathroom. He took off his bloody clothes and turned on the shower. Instead of standing, he collapsed on the floor and let the water wash the evidence of the attack from his body. Every single water drop stung as it smacked into his bruised, bloody skin. He was terrified that he may be bleeding internally, but he mainly just felt stupid. The hospital had been mearly a mile from the place of the attack. 1 damn mile. He thought that maybe if he had wondered off in a different direction, had he fought a little harder, had he been a little stronger, none of that would have ever happened to him. THe thoughts made him cringed. And he wanted nothing more than to sleep. To sleep forever and never feel the pain again, never remember what happened, never have to face his friends, never have to keep such a dark secret from the world.

He rose from the shower and put on the scrubs he'd managed to sweep off of a cart as he snuck in. Any doctor would know why J.D was able to complete these tasks. His body was in shock. But being the one in shock, J.D did not realize what was happening. He didn't realize the danger. Instead walked out, past the nurses station and past Dr. Cox. He was ranting but J.D had no clue what about.

The pain was coming. He'd washed off all of the blood, so that damage wasn't yet completely noticeable. It was too soon after the attack for bruises to yet be formed. But J.D definitley felt the effects of the incident. He couldn't force himself to look up at his mentor, the shame and indignity was too intense to bare, so he walked away. Walked into the quiet empty on call room. Left and walked to a sleeping accident patients room. Grabbed a bottle of pills off of the side table and back to the on call room he went.
The back of the bottle said 1 pill every 12 hours. He took two. The another one.

And another.

Another until the entire bottle was gone.

End of Flashback

--

" Newbie, just wake up... "

He won't answer. I don't know why I waste my breath. The kid is unconcious.

I knew he'd been pretty badly beaten, but I thought that was it...

Until I discovered the evidence of...rape...

Yeah, I almost don't believe it. I don't WANT to believe it. Newbie was raped? And he was so upset, so depressed the he tried to kill himself? It seems like a nightmare...

I should have seen the signs, dammit. I should have paid more attention to the bruising and the way he was acting. I should have cared more that he wasn't himself. I guess I hated seeing him that way so much that I just pushed it out of my head. I guess i'm just used to the optimistic, smiling, nerdy Newbie. Not the Newbie who might actually need my help. And i'm not talking about my mentoring, i'm talking about needing somebody to talk to.

But suicide? I mean, come on. We can't lose Newbie.

" J.D, you need to wake up... "

" Seriously, open your eyes, please Newbie... "

" Open you fucking eyes, dammit!! "

Why am I screaming? It's not going to make it better, and i'm sure that me throwing his chart across the room wasn't that great either, but what am I supposed to do? I need him around. I need someone to rant at, to annoy me, to correct me when i'm an ass. The kid is my lifeline in this hellhole, though i'll never admit it to him. If he goes comatose..

" What can I say that'll make you snap out of this? That i'm your mentor? Okay then, i'm your mentor. Are you happy? "

He's not responding. I can't do this...

This is just stupid.

" Alright Newbie, i'm leaving, ya big baby. "

I don't know why I even bother. Talking to someone who is unconcious doesn't-

Wait a second, he's stirring. Now he's coughing. Okay, good. This is good.

" Newbie? You awake? "

Now he's crying. What the hell is he crying for? It's his friends who should be crying, me who should be crying! I had to pump his stupid stomach, for Christ sakes!! I had to revive him when he crashed, twice!! I've had to stand by this damned bed for the past three FUCKING hours!! And he is crying?!

Wait a minute...

The rape.

Oh...

I have to help him, I guess. It's my job, right? I'll tell him that I know, and i'll help him.

Yeah...

Just one second...

Ok, here I go.

Never mind.

I really can't do this...

Carla is standing outside now. She doesn't know about the rape. Neither do Ghandi or Barbie. Just me and Newbie...

If I don't speak up, he's alone in this...

Alright, i'll talk to him.

He's still crying and he hasn't even looked up at me, not once.

Poor kid...

I can't believe I actually care...

" You okay? " I finally squeaked out. And I call HIM a girl?

What kind of question is that anyway? Of course he isn't okay! God, I really am an idiot...

Great, he's not looking at me. He's just crying... And shaking. He's such a mess.

" Newbie...J.D...you need to look at me. Please, just look at me. "

Why do I sound so urgent? Seriously, I sound like i'm his father. He's always wanted me to be like a father. He always treats me like i'm his hero. I used to act like it annoyed me, but I actually enjoy it. Of course I do, naturally, I mean i'm so egotistical, his hero worship kinda fuels my fire.

Anyway, he's past the point of just crying now. He's into full fledged sobbing. Normally, i'd jump at the opprotunity to call him a girls name. Not today...

What can I do?

Wait a minute...the hug! The hug that he has always wanted!! I'll give him the hug and he'll talk. God, I am so brilliant.

" It's okay, J.D. It's gonna be just fine. " I put my arms around him, careful not to hurt his bruised skin.

" No, don't touch me!! Get OFF!! " he's screaming. Why is he screaming?

" It's me, J.D, it's Dr. Cox. You're fine, kid, you're fine. "

" Yeah, of course... just takin a little nap..." His voice is shaking and he's got a fake smile on his face. Crap, he's really going to do this. He's going to pretend that nothing happened.

" J.D, you don't need to pretend that you were asleep. We pumped your stomach. We saw all of the pills. There is no hiding. You crashed twice, but we managed to get you back, so just thank your lucky stars that you didn't succeed in doing what you set out to do. I'm mean, gosh, Newbie, this hospital cannot afford to lose you. Thank God I found you when I did... " i'm listening to myself, but it doesn't feel like I am saying these things. I don't normally show sympathy, i'm just not that guy.

He's tearing up again. " Why did you do that? Why the couldn't you just let me die? "

" J.D, you- "

" Don't call me that! You never call me that! "

He's an emotional wreck. I expected as much.

" Okay, then, Newbie. I know that you are going through a lot, but- "

" You don't know the half of it. " he muttered under his breath.

" Yes I do. " he's staring at me. Great... Those huge, hurt eyes make this conversation even worse.

" How would you..."

" I'm your primary physician. I had to give you an examination. You've got three broken ribs, both of your thumbs are broken, your nose is broken, you've got two black eyes, a ton of bruising and...

Oh, God, I wish there was some way that I could avoid saying this.

" I know you were raped, Newbie. "

--

3rd person POV

J.D felt an urgency in him the second he heard the words come out of Dr.Cox's mouth.

" I know you were raped Newbie. "

With all of the strength that he still possessed, J.D mustered up the most convincing smile that he could and laughed, " What are you talking about, Dr. Cox? I wasn't raped! " the last word came out squeaky and strained, as if it hurt him to say.

" Newbie..." he stared at J.D with that 'don't you dare lie to me' look in his eyes.

" Dr. Cox, don't look at me like that. " he voice was breaking up and he felt another sob escaping in his throat.

" You need to talk about this. "

" I don't need to do SHIT! " he stormed up out of his bed and tried to stand. An extreme pain shot up to every inch of his body and he fell to the ground with a crash. Perry ran to his side to help him up. When he made it to the other side of the bed, he saw J.D, sitting against the cool metal of the bed frame, rocking back and forth and crying his eyes out. Perry knelt down next to the boy and put an arm around his shaking shoulders. J.D resisted for a moment, then fell into his mentor's embrace.

--

J.D POV

I've gotta say, it's kind of ironic. For years, i've begged Dr.Cox for that hug. Just one hug that would let me know that he cares. Now, I don't want him to touch me. I don't want ANYONE to touch me...

I'll just take the hug and remember that this is Dr.Cox. He won't hurt me...

He's not going to hurt me, right?!

Oh God...

" Get off..."

Oops, maybe that was a little bit to hard of a push...

Oh well.

Okay, so i've pushed my sympathetic mentor off of me. The man who has spent the past six years tormenting me, belittling me and making me feel like dirt is finally showing compassion and I just pushed him away... I really am a screw up.

" No, Newbie, you aren't a screw up. "

Oh crap, did I just said that out loud?

" Listen, kid, you tried to kill yourself. I don't think you are seeing the severity of the situation. " I can tell he's really losing his patience with me, but I honestly couldn't care less at this point.

" I told you, I wasn't raped, Dr. Cox...I just... " Another blatently lie on my part.

" I told YOU to stop lying, so why do you keep doing it, Lucinda!! Seriously! "

Why is he yelling? God, make it stop. Please make the yelling stop...

Dr. Cox POV

" Where the hell are you going? Get back here, Newbie!! "

He's actually walking out the door. Okay, so it's more like a slow limp, but he's leaving nonetheless. What's he saying?

" Just stop... you gotta stop... stop yelling, I can't take it... the pain and the yelling...stop it... stop it... stop it..." He's having a hard time breathing. Shit.

" J.D, get your ass back in this bed RIGHT NOW!? "

He's looking over at me now. Well, it's more like glaring, but at least i've got his attention. I'd better grab him while I have the chance. There is no way in HELL I am letting him out of my sight after this. And anyway, he's way too damn weak to walk and his ribs have got to be killing him. I can see the pain clearly on his face, not well hidden behind his anger toward me. It's got to be almost unbearable. The pain, that is. And possibly the anger too. But I don't really care at this point.

" So, now you wanna be fatherly? Now you want to be my mentor? TO HELL with you, Perry! " he spat my name, like it tasted badly or something. I guess he has picked up on a few of my mannerisms in the past 6 years.

He's still leaving, so guess it's time to make my move. The only thing I can do in a situation like this is remain calm and collected, so that I don't drive him further away.

" To hell with ME!? To hell with you, Newbie!! I have spent the past 5 hours taking care of you, ya selfish JACKASS! Didn't you ever think ONCE what was going to happen to everyone else when you decided to off yourself? Everyone would be screwed over because Wittle Baby Newbie couldn't handle a little bit of pain!! Get over it, Pricilla!! The world isn't going to stop turning for you, so stop trying to make it!! I mean, have you seen your friends since I found your sorry ass?! Carla and Barbie haven't stopped crying and your girlfriend has locked himself in a men's room stall and refuses to come out until he is sure that you are okay!! Why can't you think about them and not just yourself!! "

Shit. SHIT,SHIT,SHIT,SHIT!! Huge mistake. What the hell did I just do?

" Yeah, I know..."

" Newbie, I- "

" Just save it. I'm going home. "

" You can't, your- "

" You can't stop me. "

" Your injuries are too severe for you to leave, J.D. You are a doctor, you know it as well as I do."

I can't let him leave in this condition. He's gonna hate me for this, but...

" Grab him!! 20 bucks for anyone who brings him here!! "