Chapter Two – I Love You
Authors Note: This was going to be a one shot but I got bored and this happened. So, for the purpose of this forget chapter one happened.
Fake declarations of love and the times that you're not quite positive when you crossed the line into the truth
"No man can reveal to you nothing but that which already lies half-asleep in the dawning of your knowledge." - Khalil Gibran
1.
The first time you tell Amy you love her it's more of an offhand comment than anything else.
You're at yet another one of Shane's parties. You're ecstatic that you were invited, despite the fact that you have no idea how the boy has so many. It seems to be one every week and while you enjoy the attention, you miss sitting in your pajamas, watching house hunters while Amy fights sleep refusing to admit that she's tired. It's adorable, and she's warm, and when she finally gives in she tucks herself into your side unconsciously, pulling you closer than humanly possible like she's somehow afraid you'll leave in the middle of the night. You never leave. You simply fall asleep in her arms and ignore the way your smile widens at the cute sounds she makes in her slumber.
You idly chat with Liam, and Shane, and a couple of other people you find yourself not wanting to remember the name of because God they're boring. When Amy tells you she's going to get a drink, you don't even think of asking her to get you one too because you know she will. You know she will because your cup was empty when she left, but hers was almost full, and you know she can tell you've been trying to escape to get a drink for at least fifteen minutes.
When she strolls back over a moment later with the same cup she was always holding and a fresh one for you, you feel your grin spread across your face till it aches. She's such a good friend. The words don't slip from your mouth until you've taken a sip and you're in the midst of an almost orgasmic moan because she's managed to pick something way nicer than you had when you first walked in.
"God, I love you" Is what trickles from your lips in your drink induced haze and you watch her freeze. A blush crawls up her face and you can't decide whether it was the words or the tone that brought it on her. You forget all about it however when she ducks her head endearingly and mutters how it's no problem.
You spend the rest of the night by Amy's side, ignoring the blatant attempts Liam makes to get you alone and for the life of you, you can't figure out why.
2.
The second time you say those three words it's more of a spur of the moment encouragement that tumbles from your mouth.
You've been forced into dancing in front of just about everyone and you can see how nervous she is, like all she can think about is how she might fall on her face in front of pretty much everyone she knows, and how she'll then have to hide out with her family. You cringe because you understand that fear.
Her nerves shine through her smile. It's not the usual light hearted half smirk, half grin she gives you. It's a cheap imitation that's laced with a grimace and a panicked lilt. But it's still so oddly Amy and you realise that you could probably tell every little thing going on in her mind simply by watching how her lips contort.
Her nerves show through her hands. Since you clarified the obvious fact that she was the butch one, you locked your arms around her neck and waited for her to wrap her arms around your waist. She does it at a treacherously slow pace, and you can feel the limbs trembling against the fabric of your dress. You tug her closer until your lips are beside her ear.
"You missing Snow White and the other Seven Dwarfs there 'Shaky'?" You hear a breathy laugh somewhere near your ear as she grips you tighter till there is no space between you for air, let alone Jesus.
"I'm not the one on tiptoes here" She comments and you take a moment to look down at your feet. You hadn't even realized you'd done it. You hadn't ever really thought about the height difference between you two, but it seems so much more acute when you drop to the balls of your feet and find yourself having to look up at her.
"Why are you so nervous?" You question.
"What if I trip? Literally everyone is watching, and you've seen the way I fall, I'm like a drunken duck, it's pretty unforgettable." You nod my head in affirmation as you chuckle at the description. She attempts your signature pout and you find yourself laughing harder.
"Don't worry; I love you too much to let the one thing you're remembered for be you falling on your face like an animal that's had one too many" She chuckles lowly as she rests her forehead against yours, watching you with unimaginable intensity.
It takes you a while to realise that you're swaying.
3.
The third time it happens, stems from an odd sense of jealously you feel tearing at your mind.
In hindsight, you should have listened to the nagging voice in your head that sounded a lot like Amy telling you not to get drunk with these people. You don't though. You just take the shots Shane gives you and revel in the way the liquid burns down your throat.
The buzzing in your head means you take longer to notice Amy isn't beside you then you usually would.
Your lost eyes and complete puzzlement must be evident upon your face because Shane tells you that she went to the bathroom. You stumble in the direction you think the bathroom is in. Whether or not it actually is, you don't know but thankfully you end up staring at a queue of people, all doing the awkward 'I'm going to wet myself' dance in varying levels of desperation.
You find her in what seems like an instant. You almost sprint at her but you see her talking to a girl just in front of her in the line and your feet feel like they're glued to the floor. You don't know how to describe the feeling simply. It's sort of like someone has punched you in the stomach, chasing every remnant of air from your lungs in an instant. It feels like your heart has been squeezed till nothing was left but dust that seemed to slip between her fingers with each passing tick of the clock. But you never gave her your heart. You shouldn't feel this way. You shouldn't feel so…. Jealous. That's the one word you couldn't grasp.
You shouldn't get angry at the sight of the girls easy chuckle as Amy says something evidently self deprecating. It's her go to conversation when she feels awkward around new people. The girl laughs too hard for your liking. She's too pretty for your liking too. She's taller than Amy which means her legs seem to go on forever, and she's made next to no effort to hide them in her shorts that are the equivalent of the loin cloth that Tarzan wears. Her red hair falls in waves down her body crashing at her chest and you scoff at the realization she's like a Disney princess. She's also far too close to Amy for your liking. She's shuffled closer from the first moment you walked over, and she's resting her hand on your girlfriend's bicep, caressing the skin softly.
That's when you realise that Amy had been oblivious to this girl's intent, because her eyes widen at the contact and her mouth opens into a shocked 'oh' as it clicks in her mind that this girl isn't just being friendly. You marvel at her naivety as your feet drag your body quickly in their direction.
You blame the amount of alcohol you've consumed on the intense jealously you're feeling, you also blame your intoxication for the unceremonious kiss you smack onto Amy's unsuspecting lips. You lose yourself for a moment because she tastes like mint, and her fingers are raking along your scalp, and her body is pressing into yours as you crash her into the wall she stood against. When you pull back for air she follows you blindly with dazed eyes and a furrowed brow.
"Who's your friend?" You ask with sickeningly false sweetness, as you stare at the redhead. Her hands still linger on your body and you watch her stutter for a moment.
"This is um, she's is err- Her name's…" She shakes her head as though trying to clear her mind and regain her sanity.
"Lacey" The girl supplies when Amy comes up blank.
"Of course it is" You mumble and the glare she gives you is priceless, you smile sweetly. "Well, it was lovely to meet you Lacey" You say before turning back to Amy who, to your great pleasure, still looks incredibly dazed. "See you later sweetie" You tell her before you press a small kiss to her lips for the second time that evening.
You don't know what makes you do it. Maybe it's the chance to watch the girl's face contort in silent anger once again. Maybe it's the chance to see Amy's shocked smile as she lifts her hand numbly to the lips you just ravished. Maybe it's the chance to see both at the same time. Whatever the reason, as you walk away you throw the remark over your shoulder with ease.
"I love you"
You decide it was definitely the chance to see both at the same time.
4.
The fourth time it happens it's a whispered admission that falls upon deaf ears.
You spend the entire evening talking about nothing and everything, as you lay tucked up in your bed watching whatever random crap you happen to fall upon as you flick haphazardly through the channels. You'd much rather hear about her day than listen to the housewives fight over minuscule things.
It's around one in the morning when you feel her head drop to your shoulder.
You chuckle because you know this routine. You watch her flutter her eyelids, pleading at them to stay open without actually saying a word. She looks beautiful at night. She looks beautiful in the day too. But in the day it's an obvious glow that plays in the shadows that the sun creates. At night it's more like a hushed secret that lingers on the lips of the moon. It's captivating, and bewitching, and an addiction you feel growing in the pit of your stomach with abandon.
An adorable yawn tumbles from her mouth a second later despite her attempts to muffle it in the crook of your neck. You feel yourself tremble with fond laughter at her sleepy pout.
"Just go to sleep" You find yourself mumbling.
"I'm not tired" She replies defiantly but you know she obliges regardless. She pushes you down until you're both flat before she curls into your side. You shudder each time her warm breath skirts along your collar bone. You're both thankful and annoyed that her lips graze your skin delicately because the goose bumps won't fade and you're afraid she'll notice the effect she has on you.
You lay there for an hour willing yourself to fall asleep, but she threw her leg over your thigh and her arms rest around your waist, locking you to her like she never wants to let you go. The way you feel seems so completely blatant in that moment you wonder how you never noticed it. It hits you like a tonne of bricks and suddenly you can't breathe under their weight. Under her weight. She doesn't know, and she doesn't reciprocate. You say it aloud because you need to. You need to let yourself breathe if only for a moment.
"I love you" You utter into the silence between her calming breaths.
It's an admission you aren't quite ready to make.
It's an admission that makes your whole body tremble.
5.
The fifth time you say it, you shout the words because you have nothing left to lose.
You kiss Liam. You kiss him because you're afraid. You're afraid of how you feel. You're afraid she doesn't feel the same way. You're afraid her heart doesn't thud in her chest when you're around. You're afraid her palms don't get disgustingly sweaty in your presence because she is afraid she'll say something stupid.
You kiss him because you want to forget. You want to forget the soft smiles she sends your way, echoes of grins, and smirks, and everything you love about her. You want to forget the weight of her in your arms as she takes shallow breaths in her slumber. You want to forget the tormenting smell of her hair, and the lingering taste of her mouth that begs you to pay attention. You want to forget how much you love her. She's your best friend; you can't lose her because of something outside of your control.
It doesn't help.
His hands seem too big. They wrap around you, and you want to feel safe and content but you feel trapped, like you're chained to him. His lips seem to rough. Unrelenting. She clutches at you desperately and gently, like she is both afraid that you'll run and you'll break. She kisses you eagerly, like she can never get enough of the intoxicating taste of your lips.
But that's just an act. She doesn't mean it. Not like you mean it.
You break apart because she shows up. You chase her when she runs and you don't even know why you're defending yourself because she isn't your girlfriend, at least not really. She shouldn't care what you do because you're the one whose heart is crumbling in their chest. You're the one who wants so desperately to forget that they fell into a numbing oblivion.
"Why?" She asks, and it rips at your heart because she sounds so broken and you wonder if you're being dense because you can't pinpoint why. It's in that moment when you watch her crumble that you realise you have nothing to lose.
"Because I love you. I kissed him because I love you so much that I can barely breathe, and not in the good way. At first it was great, it was dizzying, and disorientating, and warm. Then it occurred to me that you didn't love me back and my whole world crashed onto my chest, and all I want to do is breathe Amy, but I can't when you're around because you make me breathless. I kissed him because I need to forget that feeling. I kissed him because I need to forget you" You look up as you finish and almost knock her head because she's right in front of you.
Her hands tremble as they run along the contours of your face. Her fingers run along the line of your jaw like she's mapping out the shape, memorising every inch of skin. Your breath catches in your chest, when you dare to look in her eyes. You only have a moment to get lost in them before they're closed and her lips are on yours.
You grip her shirt desperately because you're drowning and she's the only thing that floats. Her lips are soft, and they caress yours lovingly, like each touch is the next line of a poem she utters against your lips. She steals your breath but she's breathing her own back into you, and you're glad because you've been without air for weeks and you feel yourself going lightheaded with the sensation.
Her hands grip the nape of your neck as she kisses you harder. You gasp and her tongue greets yours. They speak in hushed tones, whispering secrets and sharing stories in mumbled undertones. You don't dare open your eyes when she pulls away. You're too afraid you've imagined it. Your too afraid she'll realise it isn't what she wants. She waits patiently until your eyes greet hers.
"Why did you do that?" You ask and she gives you the half grin, half smirk you've been missing so much.
"Because I love you"