One year ago

Ste's point of view

A year ago today I really thought that I was finally going to get my man, the love of my life; I should have known that it was just wishful thinking, that I was living in a dream world. He has always let me down, filled my life with empty promises and broke my heart over and over. I should have known that this time would be no different from the rest; he split me and Noah up and for what? I suppose he did me a favour really, I would have risked losing my Kids for someone that would have cheated on me anyway. When I found out the truth about him setting Noah up with Sean, I decided to stay away from him, I mean he would never change, he would always interfere with my life, especially when he wasn't involved. But he came looking for me; I was in price slice when he found me.

"Hey, didn't see ye there"

"Stop stalking me!"

"I think we need a chat, in private please"

"And don't speak to me right, just do one"

"Steven, I'm going but maybe I never told ye how I really feel, I mean…really…feel"

He was clever, he knew exactly what to say to get me to go to him, how could I not? I wanted to know how he felt about me, he had never told me before, not really. I loved him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I thought was even possible. I desperately wanted him to feel the same, he knew that. I went to his flat, I couldn't help myself. He must have felt so smug when he saw me standing there at the door.

"And here's me thinking ye meant what ye said at the shops"

"It doesn't matter that you've never told me how you really feel, it doesn't, because I will always, always hate you now"

"Did you come all the way up here just to tell me that, or are ye gonna come in?"

Of course I was going to go in, for the past ten months all I'd ever wanted to hear was how he felt about me, I wasn't going to walk away now. He wanted to tell me how he felt but somehow I ended up talking first, he was always good at turning things round. I knew from then on that he was never going to leave me alone, not ever. In his eyes I would always belong to him. I had to get out of there.

"I just need to get on with my life and you need to stop trying to control me"

And then he told me, he said the words I'd been longing to hear.

"I love ye Steven…that's what I didn't tell ye…I love ye"

"Well, it's too late.."

If it was too late I wouldn't even be there would I? I don't really know why I tried to leave again; maybe I was scared that if I let myself believe it that it would turn out to be another lie. We had been through so much together, I didn't know if I could cope with anymore disappointment, it hurt too much. But he just seemed so convincing this time, I had never seen him be so open and honest with his feelings, it was as if he was bearing his soul to me. The more I tried to back away the more determined he seemed, he wasn't going to give up on me but then I didn't want him to, not really.

"I've gotta go!"

"Every day till I'm in my grave you'll always be in my head Steven, you don't believe what I'm promising you? Then go ye know where the door is, go!"

"But you won't stop hiding though"

"Ye take me back and I promise I will, I promise!"

"I can't"

"Yeah, yeah you can"

"I can't"

I don't think I had even seen him look so genuine and as usual I found him so hard to resist. I can remember how drawn I felt to him, his eyes looked so deeply into mine. I had to kiss him; I thought that I would die if I didn't. He had the ability to make me so happy and when we were this way together he did. I thought that this was it, that he was going to give me all the things I'd asked of him, I thought we were going to be the proper couple that I'd always wanted us to be. But I had too much faith in him and my dreams were shattered once more. It had been at the hands of Eileen, and although I shouldn't blame her part of me still does, who knows what could have been if she hadn't walked in on us that day. Who knows where we'd be if he hadn't denied me again, if he'd of been proud to be with me, if he'd only come out of the closet sooner.

I often think what might have been, maybe I'm just hurting myself by doing it but I can't help it. He is still a part of me, he always will be. So much has happened between us since then though; I've finally found someone who isn't ashamed to be with me, who doesn't hurt me and who never lets me down. So then why has today affected me so much?

July 29th 2011 was a day I will always remember no matter what. It was the day my first true love told me he loved me, but the last time he ever touched me. He broke his promise to me in record time; I knew that there was no going back. Even when he suggested coming to Florida, I knew he wouldn't, I knew he would let me down again. He wasn't ready to be with me, and the sad thing is he really wanted to be. I'd be lying if I said I was over him, sometimes I wish I could go back and do it all again knowing what I know now. He made me happier than I've ever been.

How I wish today was one year ago.

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