To Woo a Princess Chapter 2: Fighting for Love, a my little pony fanfic

To Woo a Princess

D. G. D. Davidson

Chapter 2: Fighting for Love

I stood in the middle of the main room of the library while Starfire paced around me, sizing me up with her dark violet eyes. As she walked behind me, she slapped a hoof against my croup.

'Hey,' I said, 'isn't that harassment?'

'You've got good coupling, short stuff,' she said.

'Thanks. I know.'

'Short loins, too, and, for your size, long forearms. Your neck has a decent arch, which is important if you want to fence. I guess being small and compact has advantages. Lift a front leg for me.'

I lifted my front right. She poked the toe of her hoof against my frog and nodded in approval. 'Thick wall, good cup. And the slope and length of your pasterns are ideal. You'll need to lose these horseshoes, though.'

'Are you done treating me like one of your anatomy charts? I want you to give me fencing lessons. I do not want to be one of your experiments.'

She put a hoof under my chin, lifted my head, and got in my face. 'Listen, half-pint, unless you want a permanent injury, you'll let me check you over.'

'This sport is that dangerous, huh?'

'I mean, if you don't shut up, I might give you a permanent injury on purpose.'

'Ah.'

She stepped back, looked me over again, and said, 'I have good news and bad news. You're strong for your size, and you're well-built. But you have a major disadvantage. I'll give you one guess as to what it is.'

'I don't have a horn?'

'Very funny. I'll give you one more guess, smart-mouth.'

'I'm short.'

'Bingo. But your legs don't concern me as much as your neck. Horn fencing is mostly in the neck. A long neck is more prone to injury, but a short neck isn't flexible enough. You, of course, are built all-around for avoiding injury, but you're not terribly flexible, are you?'

I shrugged. 'I like to think I've made up for it somewhat, but, yes, I have a stiff neck.'

She rubbed a hoof under her chin. 'We'll do what we can for that, but you'll have to rely heavily on footwork. That's risky, because, as I said, the neck is where it really happens.'

'We're not going to be able to do anything at all until I have a horn, you know.'

'Whisper Breeze is working on that problem, and you can actually learn a great deal before we get your horn. At any rate, the first step in a fencing regimen is quite easy, at least for you. You might even like it.'

'What is it?'

'Neck massage. Get on the floor, sawed-off.'

I stepped back from her. 'You're funning me, right?'

'I am deadly serious.'

I took another step back. 'You know I'm not really a touchy-feely kind of stallion, right?'

She walked toward me. 'You better get touchy-feely fast, short round. If you want to learn to fence with a horn attached to your forehead, you'll have to spend a lot of time with your face very close to mine, gazing into my eyes.'

I thought again about how much she looked like Luna. I swallowed. 'Maybe this isn't such a - '

'Lie down before you fall down, half stack. And try to relax. All that tension is just making your neck stiffer.'

Okay, I admit the neck massage wasn't half bad, though Starfire was definitely rough.

'You've got a good crest,' she said as she dug her front hooves into my mane.

'Thanks,' I answered as well as I could around grit teeth. She pushed down so hard, my chin smashed against the floor.

'So, since I'm your new fencing coach, tell me what this is all about.'

'You don't want to know.'

'How long do I have to train you?'

'Two weeks.'

She stopped rubbing. 'Oh, dear. I suspected as much.'

'Are you done?' I started to stand.

'Down, boy. No, I'm not done. Two weeks, huh?' She started rubbing again, now more fiercely.

'Yes . . . ow!'

'I'm not stupid, Pipsqueak.' She did something that made my neck creak.

'Did I say you - ? Yow!"

Now she dug in really hard, and I crawled backwards to get away from her. Glaring, she following me across the room.

'I'm Luna's protégé, you moron. Don't you think I know about her tournament?'

'I assumed you did. So what?'

'So why do you want to pass yourself off as a Unicorn and compete in it?'

I rose to my hooves and experimentally turned my head. When the pain from Starfire's ministrations ebbed, my neck felt pretty good. 'That's none of your business.'

'Oh, I think it is. We protégés tend to be rather protective of the princesses. If this is some sort of prank, so help me, I'll curse you so hard your granddam will break out in warts, and don't think I can't.' A flash of light crackled across her horn.

I winced. 'Easy on the magic! I'm not pranking anypony!'

'Then explain yourself now or I'll kick you out the door and it's no fencing lessons for you.'

I looked down at the floor and felt heat enter my face. 'Well, it's . . . I . . . I don't quite know how to - '

Starfire sat down on her haunches, clutched her gut, and laughed long and loud. My face grew hotter.

'Good Celestia, you have got to be kidding me! That is too rich! Pipsqueak, how did you get such an idea in your head?'

I lifted my face and frowned at her.

'Oh, Pip!' she cried. 'Your newly bleached coat is so adorable when you blush!' She fell onto her back and kicked her legs, still laughing.

I waited a few minutes until her laughs subsided. 'You done?' I asked.

She looked at me and burst into a fresh fit of giggles. If she weren't a mare, I probably would have cleaned her clock.

After another few minutes, she finally rose to her hooves and wiped tears from her face. 'Thank you, Pip. I needed that. Oh, my. So, you've decided to marry my mistress, have you?'

'Something like that.'

'Good luck. You know you've got a snowball's chance in Tartarus of even placing in the tournament, let alone - ?'

'I know.'

'Then why?'

I turned from her and examined some of the books on the wall, running a hoof over the gilded titles on the spines. I didn't read much, and it suddenly occurred to me to be sad that I hadn't heard of any of the books on that shelf. 'You ever had something you just knew you had to do, even though you knew you'd fail at it?'

I glanced at Starfire. She cocked her head as she watched me. 'Not really,' she said.

'Then I can't explain myself to you.'

'So you enter a Unicorn tournament, get your dock kicked in the early rounds, and come home. Why bother?'

'I told you. I have to.'

'You don't have to do donkey squat. Explain yourself.'

I closed my eyes and said the words that were so hard to say. 'I'm in love with Princess Luna.'

Wincing, I opened my eyes. To my surprise, Starfire didn't laugh again. She nodded. 'Since when?'

'Since I was a foal.'

'Ouch.'

'Yeah. And I know if I enter this tournament, I'll lose. I know you can't teach me to be a master fencer in two weeks. I know I'll walk out of Canterlot a failure, and I know I'll come back to Ponyville and work and spend all my money and maybe die in a fight or from sassafras poisoning. But by Celestia - no, dammit, I don't swear by Celestia anymore - by Luna, at least I'll know I tried something worthwhile. At least I had one dream and I chased it as best I could.'

Starfire chewed her lower lip as I spoke. When I finished, she took a deep breath and said, 'You've got me in a bind. She's my teacher.'

'I know.'

'And you're a fighter and a drunk.'

'I know.'

'Okay, shorty, here's the deal: because you don't have a chance, I figure you can't do any harm. If the tournament gets this lifelong infatuation out of your system, well, I think it'll be good for you. But we're going to work it out of your system. Just because you're going to fail is no excuse to slack off: you're going in with everything you've got. If this is really your one dream, you're not blowing it on my watch.'

'Agreed.'

'That means, if you want me to be your trainer, then for the next two weeks, I own you, Pipsqueak. You don't even blink until I say okay.'

'Deal.'

'Here's my first order: from this moment forward, you're a tee-totaller. If I so much as imagine I smell sassafras on your breath, I will rip your tail out by the dock and keep ripping until I pull your whole spine out your backside. Got it?'

'Yes.'

'A fighting tournament isn't just about beating up other ponies. It's about style and decorum. It has ritual. It demands polished manners. If I am going to let you anywhere near Princess Luna, you are going to be a genuine, bonafide gentlecolt by the time I'm through with you.'

'Sounds good to me.'

She blinked a few times. 'Really?'

I grinned. 'I'll think of it as suffering for love.'

She stuck out her tongue and made a face.

That very day, Starfire started me on basic techniques and proper form.

'There are two fundamental mistakes, and you'll inevitably make them,' she said. 'Because your weapon is on your forehead, you'll be tempted to raise your head to get a better view of your opponent. That, of course, opens you up, and he'll score a touch. The other mistake is to look down and watch his hooves. What you want to do is keep your eyes locked on his: you discern his moves by watching his eyes, not his horn or feet.'

'Learned the same thing in Karate,' I replied.

'This isn't Karate, half-pint. It's more like dancing. You dance?'

'No.'

'Well, the Karate might help during the wrestling tourney, at least.'

'I'm not worried about the wrestling, and I think I can manage the jousting. It's the fencing that bothers me.'

'Uh huh. And I guarantee it's the main event. When Luna goes up against the winner, she'll be fencing.'

'Only fencing?'

She slapped my poll with a hoof. 'Don't get any ideas. The princess isn't going to wrestle a stallion, idiot.'

Over the next several hours, she taught me the basic moves and made me practice them over and over until I was exhausted. I learned the guard, the lunge, the fleche, the retreat, the stomp. Starfire critiqued every slight movement of my body. She was harsh, but I bore it.

'This isn't freestyle bar-fighting,' she snapped. 'Keep that back straight. Keep that neck curved. Stop splaying your legs like a mare in rut and stand straight, darn it.'

She dished it out, and I took it. I clenched my teeth and kept silent as I performed the same simple moves ad nauseum, and I reminded myself that, however tough Starfire was, she was nowhere near as tough as Rainbow Dash had been.

After she made me redo a lunge for what had to be the thousandth time, I said, 'This is beginning to feel pointless.'

'Good. That means you're progressing. I want you to do it until it feels instinctive.'

When the sun began to set, Starfire let me take a quick break for water and salt, and then she forced me to repeat the moves, this time with her face in front of mine and her horn pointed at my forehead. She shouted the moves she wanted me to make, and if I wasn't fast enough, or if I looked away from her eyes, or if I did anything else wrong, she gave me a sound rap with her horn. It didn't take long before my forehead was thoroughly bruised.

'That stings.'

'These are light taps, wussy boy. Wait until you're doing it for real.'

Somewhere around midnight, she let me sit down.

'Now, I'm going to show you the movements we're doing tomorrow, and I want you to pay close attention to my horn. Then we're done for the day.'

'It's about time.'

'No complaining, or you're out of here.'

'Who's complaining?'

'That's what I thought you said. Now watch.' Standing straight enough to make a posture-obsessed schooldam weep, Starfire made a series of rapid maneuvers while calling out, 'On guard! Quarte! Octave! Sixte! Septime! Riposte! Flunge! Envelopment!'

I was appalled. She was right: it was like dancing. I watched the muscles of her neck and shoulders go from relaxed to tense at exactly the moments when she could expect contact, and then immediately become relaxed again. I watched her move her hooves with perfect precision even when she stamped, ran, or leapt. She was plainly quite good at what she was doing, but her horn movements were tiny.

'It just looks like you're wiggling your head around,' I said. 'I can't tell one move from another.'

'It takes an enormous amount of practice, Pip. This is a very precise sport.'

'I see that. Wow, I'm stewed, aren't I?'

'I already told you: there is no way you're picking this up in two weeks. Now go home and get some sleep.'

Well aware that I would lose my job, I blew off work and returned to the library the next morning. To my surprise, I found a take-away breakfast from Sugarcube Corner awaiting me.

'What is this about?' I asked as I sat down in the students' breakfast nook and dug into a plate of eggs and haybrowns.

'Fattening you up for the slaughter,' Starfire answered as she sat across from me and perused the morning paper while sipping oat-scented coffee. 'But actually, as I mentioned before, we have lost our kitchen, and I simply thought I would share this bounty.'

'That's very nice of you,' I answered. The present owner of Sugarcube Corner was a mare named Twist, and she was a fine cook.

Starfire leaned across the table and slapped my muzzle. 'The other reason is to give you some lessons in manners. Get your knees off the table and don't talk with your mouth full.'

I chewed, swallowed, and said, 'I am an Earth Pony. I can't magick food to my mouth like you can.'

'That'll be a problem if you want to pass for a Unicorn in Canterlot. Unicorns use basic levitation spells for everything. They lift food to their mouths. They don't graze like animals.'

'Nothing I can do about that.'

'Yes, there is.'

'I'm not going to like it, am I?'

'I come with you,' she said. 'I wear a hat over my horn so nopony sees it glow. Then I lift the food for you, and you eat it.'

'You have got to be funning - '

'I am serious.'

'If this is an excuse to pour coffee on my freshly bleached coat, Luna help me, I'll - '

'Stop whining, you big baby. Now sit up straight like a civilized Unicorn and prepare yourself.'

'Starfire - '

'No argument or no training, Pip!'

I sat up straight and watched her as she lifted a bite of egg from my plate, directed it toward my face, and rammed it up my left nostril.

Sputtering, I jumped up from the table and blew a snotty chunk of egg to the floor. Starfire was in stitches.

'You did that on purpose, you - !'

'Hush!' she shouted. 'I missed, that's all!'

I sat down again and snorted. 'I'm not doing this.'

'Oh, yes you - '

'Compromise with me on this one. I'll sit up straight, I'll keep my knees off the table, I'll pat my lips with a napkin. But I'll eat the Earth Pony way.'

'Well,' she admitted, 'it would look suspicious if your horn didn't glow anyway. I think you're doomed to look suspicious no matter what.'

'All this is moot until I actually get a horn.'

Just as I said that, Whisper Breeze blew into the room, and I mean that literally. Apparently having sneezed against an unyielding surface, she smashed backwards through the parlour doorway and landed in a heap.

Staggering to her feet, she frantically looked around. 'Oh, no! Did I break it?'

'Break what?' Starfire asked.

'Oh, here it is.'

Whisper Breeze magicked an odd-looking contraption from the floor and dusted it off. It looked like a scooter helmet with a metal dowel sticking out of the front. She brought it to the breakfast nook and clamped it down on my head.

'It fits!' she cried.

'Whisper Breeze,' I said, 'the idea is to make me look like a Unicorn, not make me look like an idiot.'

'Oh, this is your practice horn,' she answered with a smile. 'I'm still working on your real one. Or fake one. Or whatever. But I've found some interesting spells I might be able to rework and I'm sure I'll have something in a few days.'

Starfire, who I noticed was talking with her mouth full even though she wouldn't let me do the same, nodded her head toward Whisper Breeze and said, 'She's really getting into this.'

'Both of you are.' I looked glumly down at my plate. I had a feeling of dissatisfaction sitting in my stomach, and I didn't think I could make it go away until I said something I wasn't used to saying. 'You've been really helpful, and I haven't been grateful enough. So thank you. And I'll be a better student from now on.'

Starfire got up, pulled off my helmet, and tousled my mane. 'We've just gotten started. If I haven't made you grouchy, I haven't worked you hard enough. Breakfast is over, and you now have a horn, so get up and fight me like a stallion, little colt.'

I slid out of my seat and replied, 'Real stallions don't fight mares.'

'Said the guy who wants to go horn-to-horn with Princess Luna. I'm all you've got, shrimp, so, like it or not, you're sparring with me. Don't worry, I'll go easy at first.'

Life continued in much the same vein for two weeks. I had my horseshoes taken off, as the tournament wouldn't allow them. I learned, to my horror, that I needed equipment I didn't have: pony wrestling required padded bell boots, horn fencing required special safety goggles, and jousting required full armour.

As we looked over the list of items, I shook my head. 'I can swing the goggles and bell boots, but there is no way in Tartarus I can afford a full armour suit. Maybe we should skip the jousting.'

'You can't win the tournament if you don't participate in all three events,' Starfire answered, 'and you're in it to win it even though you won't. You'll need the wrestling and jousting to make up for the points you'll lose in fencing.'

'My brother's a palace guard,' Whisper Breeze whispered. 'He might loan you his.'

I looked at Whisper Breeze's long, delicate cannons. 'How tall is he?' I asked.

'We'll see if we can get somepony's old suit,' Starfire suggested, 'and then take it to Apple Bloom. She can rebuild anything, so I'm sure she can make armour fit even you.'

To my surprise, it was the very day after this conversation, and only four days before the tournament, that I walked into the library to see all the pieces of a beautiful steel armour suit lying on the floor.

'This is too much,' I said.

Starfire, who was examining the armet and playing with its visor, gave me a huge grin. 'You won't believe it, but this once belonged to Shining Armor himself.'

'I don't believe it.'

'We are the protégés of the princesses,' Starfire said, 'and we have connections.'

'One of Celestia's former protégés was Shining Armor's sister,' Whisper Breeze whispered.

I nodded. 'I think I remember her, but I never imagined you'd get her brother's old armour suit.'

Whisper Breeze shrugged, blushed, and looked down at the floor. 'All I did was ask.'

'And let us not forget that Shining Armor married a princess,' Starfire said. 'This is an auspicious sign for you, Pipsqueak.'

'He married Celestia's niece,' I answered. 'That doesn't really count.'

Apple Bloom was a red-maned mare with a yellow coat. She ran a mechanical shop, and she really could work wonders. She mangled Shining Armor's beautiful armour in ways I don't even want to describe. When she was finished, the armour wasn't quite as pretty as it had been at first, but it fit. It took the four of us a good hour to figure out how to get me dressed in it. We finally determined which was the cuirass and which was the backplate, and where the culet went. Apple Bloom attached the greaves to my rear cannons and the cuisses to my haunches while Whisper Breeze attached the rarebraces and vambrances to my forelegs. When they were finished, Starfire shoved the armet down over my head and gave it a thump for good measure.

'Well, if that don' beat all,' Apple Bloom said. 'Looks just like them palace folk, only smaller, an' he's got a hole in his helmet where a horn should be, but all in all, he looks mighty fine.'

'Thanks, Apple Bloom,' Starfire said. 'You're amazing.' She tapped my helmet again. 'How you feeling in there, small stuff? Like canned fruit?'

'I can't move,' I answered.

'You better learn to move, and quick. It's just a few days to the tournament and you have to gallop in this thing.'

'This is making me think we should stick to fencing,' I said.

She rapped my helmet again.

The evening before we had to leave for Canterlot, my gut was twisted in knots, most especially because I knew that it would be only a short while before I would see the princess herself. I would probably only see her from a distance, but I would see her nonetheless.

I lay on the floor in the middle of the library and stared up at the knotty, rudely carved wood making up the ceiling. Whisper Breeze and Starfire pored over books and jotted notes. The entire room was a mess, covered in scrap paper and open tomes.

'Will the princess come for the whole thing, or just part of it?' I asked. 'Will she meet the competitors in person? Is she different in the daytime? I've never met her in the daytime.'

'Would you shut up?' Starfire demanded. 'You're not going at all if we don't solve this horn problem.'

'What about this?' Whisper Breeze asked, holding up a sheet of paper on which she'd been scribbling.

Starfire took it and scanned it. 'No, no, no. Not unless you want his brain to dribble out his ears.'

'Yes, there's a side effect,' Whisper Breeze whispered, 'but it would grow a horn.'

'What if we retooled that morphing spell of yours?'

'I could make an extension of his skull burst out of his face, but I don't think I could make a real horn that way.'

'Ugh, let's pass on that one, too.' Starfire stood up and cracked her neck. 'Darn it, I am a student of the Princess of the Night. The problem here is that we're being too conventional. Get off the floor, runt. It's time for some black magic, and I need the space.'

'Oh, Starfire!' Whisper Breeze cried. 'Doesn't that always have . . . consequences?'

Starfire shrugged. 'I haven't broken any vows, told any lies, or entered any formal contracts lately. I'll be fine.'

'This won't end well,' Whisper Breeze whispered.

Starfire cleared a space in the middle of the room, and then, holding a piece of chalk with a levitation spell, drew bizarre symbols all over the floor.

'Do I even want to know?' I asked.

'Probably not,' she answered, 'but if I'm to complete this, I need a few things from you.'

'Such as?'

'A hair and a shaving from a hoof.'

'I think I can part with those - yowch!' I looked over my shoulder to see Whisper Breeze yanking hairs from my tail. 'She said one hair, Whisper Breeze,' I said crossly.

Whisper Breeze dropped my hairs into the middle of a circle Starfire had drawn in the centre of the floor. 'Ooh,' she said, holding a hoof to her muzzle, 'I'm so nervous, it's making my nose itch!' She bolted out of the room and down the stairs, and a moment later I heard a loud explosion come from below.

Starfire shook her head. 'By the time Whisper Breeze finishes her studies, Ponyville won't have any library left.' She finished whatever it was she was drawing on the floor, took a file to one of my hooves to get the shaving, and then told me to stand in the midst of all her chalk markings.

'This doesn't look like regular Unicorn magic,' I said.

'It isn't regular Unicorn magic, slick, but as the personal student of Princess Luna, I have access to certain, ah, channels that most Unicorns don't.'

'Maybe I ought to know about these channels before I - '

'Later. Right now, I need you to hold very, very still, and don't smudge my chalk lines. Oh, and close your eyes.'

'That's part of the spell?'

'No, it's just that you're not going to want to see this.'

I shut my eyes and Starfire chanted something hideous that crawled like a spider through my ears and into my head. The tone of her voice was no different from usual, but my entire body revolted against the sounds she was making, even though I couldn't understand them. I quivered and convulsed, and I heard a low, piteous wail rise over her words and almost drown them out. After a moment, I realized the wail was coming from me, and then I blacked out.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and then shut them against the sunlight that lanced them through an open window.

Shakily, I rose to my hooves to find Starfire lying on the floor next to me. She looked as if somepony had worked her over with a two-by-four.

'Starfire?'

She opened her eyes and gazed blearily up at me. She grinned, and I could see a little blood on her teeth. 'Piece of cake,' she said.

She tried to get up. 'What time is it?'

'Easy,' I said. 'You look like you've had a rough night.'

'Never mind me. We have to get to the station to catch the train to Canterlot. I'll use magic to carry your armour. You get the rest of it. Where are your saddlebags?'

She stumbled, so I steadied her. 'Is there any point now?' I asked. I looked wistfully toward the window and the morning sun. 'Without a horn, there's no way - '

'I think my spell made you stupid.' She reached for my forehead and tapped, but she didn't actually touch my head. Something hard was in the way.

'Welcome to the world of Unicorn Ponies, Pipsqueak,' said Starfire.

Next: The Tournament Begins