Chapter 2

Walk in the Park

The next day after our first encounter Alice had asked me if I wanted to go take a walk with her to the park near the campus after breakfast, to which I agreed to without thought and I inwardly cursed myself. I had woken up early in the morning to unpack my things to find that she was already up and ready. She offered to help me finish settling in and then asked me about taking a walk in the park after we had breakfast and just sat in silence for a few minutes. I didn't mind since walking was a good way to kill time and relax as well. I wanted to ask Angela to join in but I wanted to figure her out more. I opted to just text her instead telling her I would be going for a walk in the park and she texted back a question that baffled me.

Are you walking with Alice by any chance Bella? Don't want me to ruin your fun alone time do you?;) That of course got my face burning a crimson red because as per usual she hit the nail on the head and I wondered if she was the one who could read minds. Alice of course just had to notice my inferno face, though I had hoped she wouldn't, and asked me if I was all right. I nearly screamed in her face in response "YES I'M FINE!", and she, of course, wasn't mad but laughed. She appeared to be the kind of person who wasn't easily angered in the least, she was so laid back I wondered briefly 'what would it take to make her mad?'

"Well gee no need to scream at me Bella!" I could tell she was only teasing me. Maybe it was the slight lilt in her voice that gave me that impression or perhaps it was the way she raised her eyebrows at me just a bit when she said my name. Whatever it was it made me smile and childishly stick my tongue out at her and I poked her in the ribs, getting an unexpected reaction, something I hadn't expected in the least. She swatted my hand away quickly but not before I saw her body twitching away from me in a way that suggested she was extremely ticklish and not just a little bit.

This little bit of information was stored in my brain for future references and she gave me a look of pure terror as I stood in front of her. I smiled widely and raised my eyebrows and had my hands at the ready at my sides, we stayed in position waiting for the other to make the first move. And then quicker than I thought possible she was darting to my right and she was impossibly fast for someone her size, she was a good seven to eight inches shorter than me. She had a clear advantage with not only surprise but also speed as I came running after her as quickly as I could and I caught up to a few inches from her before I grabbed her around the middle and startled tickling her mercilessly as she struggled in my grip. She was laughing uncontrollably as I continued in my onslaught but I stopped, temporarily, when I heard her voice. Her scent was intoxicating me and I could not help but smell the wonderful scent that was Alice. She smelled like Jasmine, a scent I had absolutely loved when Thao Mi was still living here with us.

She was struggling so I allowed her to turn so she was facing me, she was out of breath and her face was tinged pink and yet she was still beautiful to me. "Ok I surrender! What are your terms for me surrender madam pirate?" Although she said this seriously, and somehow kept a straight face, I couldn't help the laughter that erupted from my throat. She was laughing as well and I could feel her stomach rumble from where my arm was wrapped around her and I felt heat erupting from my core from the action. I let myself smile slightly before letting go of her and saying my bit, as seriously as I could, after her bit of pirate dramatics.

"Me terms are if you don't tease me as much from now on I won't punish ye too much. Now off with you, ye scurvy Alice!" I only maintained a semi serious face because of our earlier silliness, and I still managed to mock her. It was a strange situation I found myself in though, because for some reason my skin burned and prickled when she touched me. Worse yet was how my body seemed to react to her, or rather my body took over for my mind so I was a brainless idiot around her. I hoped she didn't think I was a mental kid or something, but then again how would I have gotten into this college if that were the case?

Everything just felt confusing around her. Why was I so reckless around her, just letting whatever out of my mouth when she is near? I felt the need to be cool and impress her when she was around me but I ended up sound more like brainless shit instead. I sighed and only just noticed how close we were standing then and that she was staring at me, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. I realized that sighs usually indicate sorrow or frustration more often than not.

"Bella? Is everything ok? You … sounded really sad for a second there. I mean people don't sigh just to sigh you know?" She tried to sound cheery at the end but I could tell that she was worried. Not only did her face say so but her body language did too.

"Y-yeah I'm all right. D-don't worry about me. I'm f-fine." I knew then that I didn't sound convincing in the least because of my stuttering, a nervous habit I hated. There was nothing I hated more than my stuttering and clumsy, accident prone ways. The clumsy, accident proneness were more prominent than my stuttering, being a nervous habit and all. It confused me to no end that I was such a nervous wreck and stuttering myself into oblivion around her. Irritating and irrational thoughts continued to plague me but most confusing was the fact that I'd known her for barely a day and I was being so strange. I couldn't understand what was going on with me but more than that I wondered what she thought of me. Would she find it strange that I thought about all of these things? What did she think of me in the first place? Why did I even care? I had never felt so irrational and frustrated in my entire life! This girl was killing my brain without even knowing it.

"Well if you say so. Shall we keep going? There was something I wanted to show you to be honest! I discovered it yesterday after I finished unpacking all of my things!" She was practically gleaming with excitement as she reached for my hand. I felt that burn again when her skin touched mine. A chill ran up to my spine in contrast. It startled and baffled me all at once how she could make me feel so many things in the same moment. It could be that I had a very strong attachment to her as a friend, or more like my soul was calling out to me to be friends with her. Whatever it was it was pulling me to her constantly in a way I wasn't entirely uncomfortable with.

I think maybe god was joking with me, playing cruel jokes on me seriously! I just had to run my mouth in an incredibly stupid way and now things were really, really awkward. I just had to tell Alice how pretty I thought she was and now she couldn't even look me in the eyes! We'd only known each other for what, less than 48 hours and here I am telling her how hot I think she looks in her tank top and shorts! I'm worse than a guy! For crying out loud some guys can keep their mouths shut but I'm a girl telling another girl, my roommate of all things, how fucking hot she looks in a tank top and shorts! For fucks sake I need to get a reign in over my stupid mouth!

She had only stared at me for a few moments after my slip of tongue and looked away at me briefly only to turn back and mumble a soft 'thank you' under her breath with slightly pink cheeks. I felt the urge to run over to a wall, any wall would do fine, and ram my head into it until I fell into unconsciousness to escape the utter embarrassment of what I'd said. Really all I needed was an opportunity to present itself, as in Alice leaving the room momentarily to give me the time to do it. I sorely tempted to just run outside the hallway and ram my head into the wall but in doing so Alice would get wind of it and probably stop me after calling me a psycho path or something like that. I stared at nothing in particular before just getting up and walking into the bathroom to splash my face with the coldest water possible.

"So um … are you hungry yet? Want to go get some lunch or something?" Alice asked me, most likely to get rid of our awkward silence after I sat back down on my bed. Before I could even answer Angela came to stand on the other side of the door and knocked loudly before yelling at us to open up.

I ran to the door, thrust it open with a bit too much force and toppled over. "Oof! Sorry Angie! Agh!" Without much thought I got up, offered my hand to Angela, and walked to the door before proceeding to bang my head against it in frustration.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa hold off there Bella!" I felt a pair of arms snake around my arms and pull me off of the wall I was currently using to vent out my frustrations.

"Now what did I say about banging your head against hard objects Bella?" She paused, waiting for me to answer but I remained silent as I thought about how tempting that wall still looked to me. "Bella?" Still I did not respond to her voice, "ISABELLA MARIE SWAN YOU BETTER DAMN WELL ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A QUESTION!" she bellowed into my ears. I felt my ears ringing and clapped my hands over my ears, despite her grip on them, as she spoke the word 'you'.

I pulled myself out of her arms and glared at her, which seemed to have no affect on her whatsoever as she smirked in response. "You said I'm never allowed to do that because it would affect my brain cells and that I'll get stupid. Even if I'm still … upset about … that incident I'm not allowed to, even if I'm sad about something else I'm not allowed to. You don't care what my reason is I'm still not allowed to do anything that would harm me knowingly." I sighed as I muttered this under my breath.

Angela gave me a satisfied smile and patted me on the head "good Bella! You remembered!" I playfully snapped my teeth at her finger and she giggled in response. I snapped my head to look in Alice's direction only noticing just now that she was standing behind me, had been standing behind me for quite some time.

"Oh um … A-Alice h-how long h-have you b-been standing th-there for? Um … I'm sorry you um, had to see that. Heh-heh." I felt so nervous realizing how close she was standing to me at that moment. I moved myself away, ever so slightly, to give her some room to move around me if she wanted to. She stood there still, looking at me with her intense topaz colored eyes, with a concerned frown on her face.

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok because you just started slamming your head against the wall like that. Well um how about lunch? Are we going or would you rather wait until a little bit longer before we go?" Her voice was soft and there was an emotion in it I couldn't quite decipher in it, but I desperately wanted to. There was something in the tone of her voice that was calling out to me, beguiling and irresistible. I looked away and saw the curious and perceptive look on her face again, her eyes were sharp and alert as they stared between the two of us.

"I uh, yeah I uh, think that's a really good idea actually Alice. Angela would you like to join us in the uh, Wisteria Wing for lunch? This time without um, extra company if you know what I mean." I gave her a meaningful look and she caught on right away, her loud and annoyingly rambunctious roommate.

She merely laughed at me before shaking her head and replied softly, "Yeah Barbie's brunette twin in the living flesh, a nightmare in and of itself." She shuddered dramatically and I had to laugh at that and the image of her in the same room with "Barbie's brunette twin", as she called her, for a whole semester made me feel sympathy. I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and she swatted my hand playfully before bringing her hand up to her head and pretended to faint on me.

I felt myself falling backwards, with my amazing luck and balance, and found myself falling towards the door with no way to catch my balance. Before I could even fall I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist to keep me perched precariously on them. Angela righted herself just seconds into my free falling moment so I knew whose arms I had to be in without looking behind me.

"Um, thanks," I muttered this under my breath before giving Angela a glare that could wither anybody else but her. She was unfazed by it and was actually smiling at me, "some nerve you have Angela! You know that I'm a huge klutz and yet you insist on doing things that will make me even more likely to hurt myself than I already am just standing on my own two feet!" I realized that I sounded like a complete loser the way I had worded it. I sighed in defeat when she gave me the pout I simply could not resist on children and Angela herself, I glared at her one last time before I turned to Alice to see she was desperately trying to hold in her laughter.

I was speechless and distraught that even my own roommate found this so amusingly hilarious and that she would probably think I was a loser the rest of the semester we would be here! I gave into the pouty puppy-dog face that was creeping onto my face. I could hardly resist the call of that face when it came to me in this kind of situation. Both Angela and Alice looked at my face in alarm and they both tried to appease me unsuccessfully as my face grew into a more prominent puppy-dog look as the seconds ticked by. Alice was trying to sooth me over with words of regret and sincere apologies while Angela, on the other hand, was pulling me into a fierce hug and apologizing to me profusely.

Quite the amusing reaction I got I must say but by no means was this look fake, it had come to me naturally. I sighed and pulled out of Angela's arms and walked past them both, with my arms crossed and into my dorm room and shut them both out. Almost immediately I heard them knocking on the door softly as they said my name, just a touch loudly with panic, and I continued on my way to my bed to sulk. There was an abrupt silence as they stopped knocking and both started whispering to each other.

I instinctively knew what they were going to do, and realized that I really was stupid to forget that Alice was my roommate for one thing and she always carried the keycard with her! I smacked my hand before running over to the door and sitting against it in hopes that they wouldn't be able to push me over when they realized why it wouldn't open. I heard someone say "shit" on the other side of the door before I heard Alice ask Angela for help in pushing the door open. I was knocked over in an instant from their combined weight and I fell flat on my face as the door flew open and hit me before they both toppled over to fall right on me, me being the perfect cushion to soften their fall.

I had knocked my head against, surprise, another wall as I felt someone moving on top of me to get up, most likely, and I groaned. I had turned over before someone fell on me in a heap and I felt hips brushing against my waist, just above my legs, and I groaned again. I smelled something wonderful; a delicious scent enveloped my nostrils as I sniffed the air lightly. They smelled like wild flowers in a field and I could not help but inhale the intoxicating scent that filled my nostrils with every breath I took. I knew it was Alice because of such a fact, Angela usually smelled like the vanilla spray she loved so much or various fruit scents that she particularly loved.

Before I really registered what was happening Alice was sitting on top of me, straddling my waist, as she leaned over me to get a good look at me. I was still very dazed from hitting my head against another wall, thanks to my lovely best friend and roommate's brilliant idea, and having someone fall on me didn't help matters much. I heard an angelic voice that sounded like it was coming from far away even though I knew that it was in fact very close.

I felt something soft and silky rubbing against my cheek and forehead gently, so tenderly it might have been the touch of a parent tending after their child's wounds. I felt them graze a sensitive part of my forehead and I jerked away from the touch purely by instinct.

The longer I was in this dazed state the more I felt myself coming out of it, but it felt like everything was moving very slowly for me somehow. I felt myself being pulled up by the gentle arms of none other than Alice and I was being picked up almost as if I were weightless, did this girl work out or what? I must have weighed at least somewhere around the neighborhood of 109 pounds, probably outweighing her about 15 pounds or so from how thin and small she looks, though not anorexic thin. She had to be at least about a good seven to eight inches shorter than me being that her head reached just under my chin by an inch or so when I stood up straight, standing at five foot nine.

I felt myself being placed gently on my soft mattress and someone was calling out to me, my name sounded so distant. Finally I focused enough out of my dazed state to hear that soft, angelic voice addressing me gently, "are you ok Bella? Bella can you hear me, can you hear my voice? Dear you're going to have to try and concentrate on my voice if you can hear me." I felt myself being pulled up into a sitting position and I felt a body pressing against my back very lightly, I knew it was Alice's breasts pressed against my back. I nodded very slightly and I could hear the smile in her voice the next time she spoke to me. "Good concentrate on me Bella, concentrate on my voice and what I'm saying to you."

I saw Angela standing quietly next to me in my peripherals and I looked over to her, I moved slowly lest my head spin anymore than it already was. I saw the concerned look in her eyes, the worry and guilty look in her eyes from her oh so brilliant master plan to get in here without thinking about my unfortunate accident prone luck. I forgave her for it anyways because not only was she one of the few people I trusted most in this world but she had also been my best friend for so long and we had been through so much together.

"Ok Bella. Try and turn your head around in my direction so I can see how badly you banged your head, if you have a concussion and whatnot all right?" I nodded my head very slightly again and turned my head as fast as my fuzzy head would allow. "All right that's very good Bella, now do you think you can sit up by yourself without using me to support your weight?" I thought about it for a moment and leaned myself forward just a fraction of an inch and felt that that little bit was ok. I went for a little bit more and then I sat so that I was just scarcely an inch away from her and soon enough I found that my head was not spinning as wildly as it had been earlier and that my head was aching less and less.

"I think I'm ok now Alice, Angela," I said Angela's name in a way that she knew she was in trouble for it but that I forgave her anyways. "Now um, maybe we lunch could eat now yeah? I fine feel," I knew instinctively that I had said something wrong but I couldn't figure out what it was that felt wrong. I let it go and looked at Alice and Angela quickly with a flick of my eyes, not really wanting to move my head just in case it still caused me any kind of dizziness.

They both looked at me with undisguised dubious looks and I wanted to tell them off, tell them that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I held my tongue though because I knew that I was still just cranky about banging my head against another wall and that I would regret whatever came out of my mouth while I was cranky. It had happened before and though Angela had been understanding of the circumstances I couldn't help the guilt that coursed through me when the pain and hurt flashed through her eyes. I felt so bad and such a great and profound regret that I swore should I ever be angry or cranky or upset about something ever again I would hold my tongue no matter what.

I stood up hesitantly, much to Alice and Angela's chagrin and surprise, I immediately felt Alice ghosting up from behind me and Angela was by my side just as swiftly. I felt my head spinning but I held my ground as best I could before I felt myself falling backwards into a warm body much smaller than my own taller frame. I felt arms wrap around my waist to support my weight and soon enough Angela, who had been by my side, was grasping my shoulders lightly.

"I-I'm fine really. I just um, had a dizzy moment guys. I'm ok. I feel fine." Despite my assurances they wouldn't let go of me though I was now standing up straight without really needing the support for a full minute already.

Finally they allowed me to stand by myself and moved away from me, though not more than a few inches away from where I stood. "Well if you are sure you're ok then I guess we will just have to watch over you carefully as we walk I suppose." Alice shrugged to Angela helplessly and I felt annoyance flash through me but still I held my tongue in check.

Lunch was over with little incident, other than the walk to the cafeteria where I stumbled at least two times but that was a daily occurrence in my life anyways without banging my head against a wall. Alice and Angela chatted for most of the time about mundane things and asked each other the usual questions acquaintances asked each other. I had been unusually quiet, even for me, because the entire time I had been lost in thought. I thought about all of the events that had transpired today so far, I thought about what could possibly happen in the future, I thought about how my past haunted me still.

I sighed heavily as I wondered what Alice's reaction would be if I woke up screaming in the middle of the night as I had when in my sleep I wasn't guarded enough and those memories invaded my dreams. I always felt such unbearable guilt and sorrow those nights, more than anything I wished for the hole that had come to replace my heart would disappear. There was one thing I didn't tell anyone, not even Angela who had been my best friend since we first met, this one secret I couldn't bear to keep but would be even agonizing to reveal. Keeping this one thing from Angela, though caused me great pains, was better than revealing it because then … then I would cause her far worse ache and hurt than knowing what I did to myself.

"Hey Bella? Are you ok? You just … you have been really quiet and zoned out for the longest time." I heard Alice's musical voice and it broke through the daze I had been in. I looked up at her in confusion having been so out of it I hadn't caught her words. She must have recognized the uncertainty on my face for she spoke again before I could utter out a word, "I asked you if you were ok. You've been acting oddly … distant for some time now and then you heaved a loud, suffering sigh just a moment ago. You seem … distracted isn't quite the right word … but more than that it seems like you had something weighing heavily on your mind. Do you … want to talk about it? I can leave if you would prefer talking to Angela alone."

Alice was just so polite! How could I possibly refuse with that look on her face, her eyebrows arched up in worry and concern, the caring tone she used to speak, the way her eyes were so expressive and kind? I shook my head and thought for a moment how I wanted to word it. I wondered if I should just tell her what it was that usually weighed on my mind even in my sleep. The only person who really knew what happened was Angela and that alone was a miracle unto itself because of how introverted I usually was.

I looked over to Angela, asking with my eyes what her opinion of the situation was. Angela gave me a look back as if to say it is my decision to make whether I wanted to tell her or not. I gave her a look back to signify that I was hesitant and the look she gave back was one of understanding and love. I sighed and decided that I would just tell her someday but not today, not yet, I wasn't ready to let someone else in just yet.

"I … well I just have a lot on my mind and … it's hard, so very hard for me to … explain what this is. It has … always been difficult for me to … talk about certain aspects of myself and … well this is one of those things that take a while. I … I'll explain to you someday but for now … I just need … time to … sort out my thoughts and … memories." I stopped there feeling the familiar sting in my eyes as I remembered that horrid day that changed my entire life, the day my stupidity and clumsiness cost me something so, so precious to me. The day I wish I could change, the day I wished I was the one who … I shook the thoughts from my head, Angela knowing immediately what that signified came over to me.

"Shh, look at me Bella. Look I know it's hard for you but you have to listen to me, listen to my voice." I was stuck in that one moment in my life, I felt like I was stuck in a world I would never be able to forget even when the day I would eventually draw my last breath. This one moment, this one moment in the past, the one night I would never be able to forget even on my deathbed it would still haunt me. Angela still continued talking to me with that soft tone of voice she always used when I got this way; she even started singing my favorite song, Everlasting. The words "Always, forever, I can never forget you, no matter the distance separating us in this place. I'm sorry for your tenderness, until I can see you again."(1)

Over and over again I kept hearing those words echo hollowly, dully, in my empty broken soul; those words were too close to the truth that was eating away at me. I would never be able to overcome the sorrow, pain, and guilt that those words made me feel in the vacant organ beating on the left side of my chest. After all these feelings are Everlasting, a never ending cycle of memories then soon after the throbbing ache and pain and guilt followed after, never leaving me a day of rest. That day would forever be imprinted in my heart, those memories carved in my brain, the remorse forever engraved in my soul. The words I spoke, the heart I broke, the pain I caused, the eternal regret would never leave me even after the day I die … it would still be there.

(1) – This is a part of the song Everlasting (a Japanese song) by BoA (famous Korean singer known throughout Asia and also had a debut CD in the US last year 2009) that I translated by ear. I thought the song fit very well for what I'm making Bella feel here about what happened to her that day she keeps mentioning. I won't say what yet until much later!^^ This will be a very long story, I hope, so please stick with me!^^

And there we have chapter 2 then! ^^ I hope people actually like this and comment on what they're feeling as I write this.^^

姫宮光る