"I made mistakes, Bones." Brennan closed her eyes to focus on his words. After a few seconds of silence, she opened them only to see that he had no intention of continuing. He sat with his arms folded in front of him.
"Is there any more evidence you would like me to consider, Booth?"
"You'll have to be specific, Bones and I'll be glad to answer as best I can." He replied.
"Fair enough. What do you consider to be a mistake? In our 5 year partnership, what can you attribute to mistake?"
"You'll have to be MORE specific than that! I can't possibly remember every time I used poor judgment in five years!" Booth was showing NO sign of exasperation. Brennan believed he wanted specific information to be more able to provide her the answers she demanded. She complied. "Why was it fine for you to have a relationship with Cam, but not with me?"
"If I hadn't been in a relationship with Cam, she wouldn't have been hurt and almost died. I made that decision AFTER my relationship with Cam was over."
"Accepted. Why could you date Cam but I couldn't date Andrew?" Brennan was picking up momentum and Booth could sense that he had no choice but to keep up with her.
"THAT was a mistake. I should have told you how I felt about you before you ever went out with Hacker." She nodded. "I agree. Why were you angry about the egg story I shared with Andrew?" The rhythm was picking up.
"I've already told you, Bones. What goes on between us, is ours. PERIOD." He thought he had made himself clear on this previously. "Then why did you share with Hannah about OUR conversation after the Eames case?" She almost spat at him.
"She was my girlfriend! I had to share that!" He retorted.
"Andrew COULD have been MY boyfriend, if you hadn't deemed it inappropriate." It was a soft response. Not quiet, but without the venom of her earlier question. It just sounded sad.
Trying to recover from the sharp pain in his gut, Booth leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. "Bones, it isn't the same." It was weak. Even Booth didn't believe it. Even HE could see how sickening his double standard had been. Even HE was stunned when he realized how long he had perpetuated that double standard. He wondered when he had become so pathetic. He wondered how he could have enjoyed flaunting Hannah in front of Bones. How could he have endured one moment of her hurting? When did he stop being the guy who knew and become the guy who wounded?
"A mistake." He wanted to keep moving. He couldn't stop and think about this now. Perhaps she would accept his lack of an explanation.
"Why did you tell me you loved me in an atta-girl kind of way?" She was getting very deep at a very fast pace. "Because I love you. I will not call that a mistake. The mistake was being a coward and saying that I love you in an atta-girl kinda way." She continued, "Why did you ask me for 50 years?" He sighed... "It was not a mistake to ask you to love me. It was a mistake to let Sweets challenge me to do it. I didn't think before I spoke. I didn't think about HOW I would ask you. I was an idiot."
"Agreed. Why did you bring Hannah back to DC?" she quieried. "I didn't. She came here on her own. I swear, Bones." to which she replied "I can accept that." "When we investigated the sister wives, was I the one you referred to as loving the best?" Her face was childlike in it's vulnerability.
He stopped. His heart stopped. His breathing stopped. "Yes." He knew that she was on the verge of revealing his most cowardly act.
"And you asked Hannah to marry you anyway?" For the first time since this hell had started, Booth couldn't respond. "I need no further proof."
She mustered her thoughts and breathed deeply before she presented her theory to him. "You said you knew. You left for Afghanistan and returned with Hannah. You obviously DIDN'T know. You changed our partnership. You wouldn't have drinks with me without Hannah and unless it was cold or discourteous, you didn't regard me at all. You CHOSE Hannah over your partner. You lied to our friends. YOU prize honesty above all else. You told me Hannah wasn't a consolation prize... you loved her. You asked her to marry you. But you claim that you 'love' me best. You treated me with very little respect and you betrayed my confidence. When Hannah left you, you subjected me to your anger at Rebeca and Hannah. I was the only person held responsible for your anger and I was the person who never was afforded a proper chance! I find myself agreeing with Sweets. I am involved in a surrogate realtionship in which there is NO honesty and NO respect." She wasn't crying but her face showed the depths of the pain that she had suffered because of his actions. He looked in to her eyes, searching for any evidence that he could regain her trust, her respect and any semblance of their relationship. She had been lost. And it showed. She had needed him and he hadn't been there. She had been hurting but he had been the cause.
Booth jumped up quickly and ran into the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach. It would have been a relief to know that he had a stomach bug but he knew better. He knew that his stomach couldn't bear the shame the rest of his body was suffering. He wished that his mind could vomit it's content as easily as his gut had.
Splashing his face and rinsing his mouth, Booth went out to face the fallout. He found she had left the living room and walked towards the kitchen to find her. She continued as if nothing had happened but handed him a glass of ginger ale, which he accepted wordlessly. They settled in the kitchen, seated on opposite sides of the bar. Booth smirked at the irony. After everything they had experienced together over almost 6 years, they were right back where they started... on opposite sides.
"I was willing to take whatever you had to offer in the name of friendship. You've been angry and I've taken the brunt of it. You offered ridicule, contempt even and I accepted it. You devalued me to the extent that I could be replaced by a 6 month oral sex encounter with your stereotypical blond yet I continued to hope that your anger would dissipate. You joke about me being the equivalent of an embedded reporter who offers sex in lieu of Thank you notes, imply that I am less than human in my professional relationships and show up at my home when you have nothing better to do. Can you guess what I learned through all of this, Booth?"
He simply replied "I am a hypocrite."