Chapter 2 - The Betrayal
We packed up everything, and walked back along the beach to the truck. Jacob reached down with his free hand and took mine. I tried to resist, then gave up. It had always been this way with Jacob. When we got closer to the car, I could make out the group of teenagers playing frisbee on the beach. I recognized two of them. Jacob let go of my hand, as they gazed over at us. I could feel their scrutinizing glances and imagined what they must be thinking.
"May I drive," he asked?
"Sure," I placed my backpack in on the floorboard, along with what little was left of our lunch, then climbed in the passenger side of the truck.
Jake was already in the driver's seat, pushing the seat back as far as possible to accommodate his long legs. I handed him the keys and we were on the way. I didn't even ask where we were going. I still felt bad for losing my temper with him earlier. Whatever he asked, I would be willing to discuss - whatever it took to help Jacob become whole before I left this life.
"So, do you have a curfew?", Jacob asked.
"No, but you do. I left a note for Charlie telling him where I was and who I was meeting. I asked him not to tell Billy today and promised him that you would go home and see Billy tonight. I figure that gives you until tomorrow morning before Charlie let's the cat out of the bag."
"That's ok. I really did plan on going home tonight. I've missed the old guy. The curfew I was referring to, was Edward's. Does he know where you are?"
"No, I left him a voice message, but he hasn't returned my call yet. He and his family are in California. One last family trip before they get stuck babysitting a newborn vampire for the next few years. " I candidly explained.
"So Jake, where are you taking me," I asked.
"Not far, just a little spot that overlooks the ocean. It's quiet and private. I just want some uninterrupted time with you, ok?" again, the vulnerability that I saw earlier washed quickly across his face.
"Ok, Jake."
We drove for another 10 or 15 minutes while we made small talk. I told him about Alice and her unconquerable enthusiasm for the wedding and how Edward and I broke the news to Charlie and Renee. He laughed, not quite sympathetic to my point of view. He told me about running, and how hard it had been to head home. He wondered out loud, whether he would be more comfortable living as a wolf in the wild or this world as Jacob. It made me sad to think that this life had become all but unbearable to him.
Finally Jake pulled off the road onto a dirt road. The dirt road led to a lookout high above the ocean. We hiked down a small trail that ended at another lookout, then Jacob helped me pick my way through the woods for another ½ mile. Finally we emerged in a little grassy outcropping, shaded by trees behind us, with a steep cliff and the ocean spread out in front of us. It was a beautiful spot. There was an onshore breeze slightly chilling the air, but the steeper cliffs to the North created a slightly sheltered spot. I took off my backpack and settled into the grass in the shelter of the northern sheer cliff and gazed out to the southwest and watched the seabirds drift in the air currents. It was beautiful. Jake stood at the brink of the cliff for a few minutes, then walked over and plopped down beside me. In an instant, his arms were around me, pulling me in so that I was leaning against his chest. At first, I resisted, but I then realized this was probably the last time I would ever feel Jacob's warmth against my skin.
"So, Bella, you didn't answer my question earlier. Have you and Edward ...?"
"Jake, why all of the interest!" I said exasperated. I was grateful not to be facing him and looking into those fluid dark eyes.
"I need to know, Bella. Please just answer me. I'm trying to find my way through all of this. This is hard for me, giving up the only person I can see myself ever loving. Give me a break, Bella. Just answer the question."
This was almost as bad as discussing safe sex with Charlie, but I owed Jacob as much as I could give him. "No, we haven't done anything yet. He's afraid he'll hurt me. I made him promise we would try, at least once before I wasn't human anymore. He agreed to try, after the wedding. Neither of us have ever..., it would be a first for both of us."
"So, you're willing for your first experience, to be one in which your life could be in danger" he asked.
"Look Jake, this really is none..."
"I know, Bella. 'None of my business,' but just hear me out. Is that really what you want? I mean, why not just wait until after the change, when there is no danger?"
I was suddenly so embarrassed. "Because I'm not sure, entirely, who I will be after the change. I don't know what my desires will be, what my priorities will be. I want this experience at least once as a human, before I leave this life behind."
"And Edward is ok with this," Jacob asked, with a little irritation in his voice.
"No. Not really. It was really a compromise thing. He said if I wanted him to change me, I would have to marry him. I said if I had to marry him, then he would have to promise to try this one thing. Ultimately, he agreed to try. Look, I get so tired of reminding you of this, but Edward does love me and truly wants what's best for me. This thing, is my demand."
"Demand? Bella, what if he gets...carried away. You could get really hurt." Jacob said, his hot breath against the side of my face.
"I don't think Edward could hurt me"
"You're playing with fire. That's quite a gamble your willing to take." Jacob was quiet for a minute.
"Bella? Can I ask you a favor?
"Sure," I answered, my curiosity piqued.
"May I please kiss you? You said earlier that this wasn't a renegotiation. I know that. I know that you are going to marry Edward, I know that you need him to live. I'm not fighting. I even know that he loves you and that he will take care of you. I know I've lost, but I need something to hold on to - something that is just between you and me. I know he cannot kiss you like I can. I need to have something that is ours alone, something he could not share - at least while you were still warm."
"Jake..."
"No, listen Bella, I mean it. I'm prepared to let you walk out of my life forever. I can do it. I just need something, some memory to hold on to. Please let me kiss you. Not out of trickery, or obligation, but because you love me and I love you. I'm not asking you not to choose Edward, or hoping that you will set aside your life for me. I know it can't happen. I know it. Please Bella, let me kiss you good bye. Let me feel all that could have been, let me live a lifetime of happiness through this last time together."
I turned my face to look at Jacob. I couldn't give him what he needed. I couldn't do this to Edward. I needed to look into his eyes, have him look into mine so that he could see how much I cared for him as I told him no. But as I met his eyes, I saw the same vulnerability I had heard this morning on the phone. I watched as his hopeful but cautious eyes darted back and forth between my eyes, trying to decipher my answer. Would it really be such a bad thing? Wouldn't Edward understand? He never felt good about the pain Jacob had to endure at the expense of our happiness. My restraint weakened as I looked into Jacob's pained eyes.
I turned to face him. I was sure that it wouldn't be the kind of kiss he hoped for, but I was willing to try to give him some peace. Edward would forgive me. He was beautiful and decent and he would forgive me this one thing. I pulled myself toward Jacob, settling sideways in his lap. His eyes were so hopeful, so anticipating. I reached up with my hand and stroked his beautiful face, then leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth.
His response was slow, at first, allowing this to be my decision. He let me deliver small kisses all over his soft warm lips, only slightly parting his lips allowing them to move with mine. I felt his breath quicken, as a small audible gasp issued from him. His arms came up to encircle me gently. My heart began to race. His arms were strong and hot. Jacob felt my excitement rise, and took my face gently in his hands, his kisses grew stronger. He parted my lips with his and I felt a charge run through my being as his tongue found mine. A warm shiver ran up my spine. I leaned closer to him, wanting to drink him in. My hands came up and ran through his soft silky long hair. His hand made their way to my waist, touching my bare skin where my blouse had pulled loose, and with warm pressure pulled my body closer to his. My head swam. I loved the feel of his warm skin against mine. All restraint fell away as an involuntary groan escaped my chest. Jacob moved his lips to touch my neck and kissed me just below and behind my ear, then moved along my neck and down to the V in my blouse. He placed his arm under my legs and picked me up off of his lap and laid me down on the cool sweet grass.
I knew I should object, but then he was laying beside me, pulling me toward him, his lips eagerly seeking mine again. I felt his hand light on my waist again, this time slipping under my blouse and pressing against the small of my back. My hand did the same. The minute Jacob felt my hand against his skin, he reached down across his body, grabbing the hem of the front of his shirt and in one motion pulled his shirt over his head and free, dropping it on the grass above him. I froze. This was dangerous territory. "Jake..." I protested.
His lips came back to mine, eagerly. He kissed my top lip, then my bottom lip, then brushed his hot lips across my eyelashes then down to my earlobe, tasting my resolve. Again, I gasped. Then I felt his hands moving against the buttons on my blouse. I opened my eyes and looked directly into his. They were alive with fire, honest and deep. Then my skin was bare and I felt his hot chest press against mine. His lips were on mine again, not being careful. There were no carefully drawn physical lines here. My mind wandered to Edward. Edward! And my lips froze. Jacob stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes, his hand still tracing my bare skin along my side. He was trying to read my mind.
Just then my phone rang. I jumped up. Guilty and ashamed. I crawled to my backpack pulling my tiny silver phone from an outside pocket. I tried to slow my breathing as I answered.
"Hello?"
"Bella, I got your message. Are you with Jacob still?" Edward's calm smooth voice rang in my ear.
"Yes, Jacob is here," I responded.
"Are you Ok, Bella?"
"Yes," I assured him, "Where are you?"
"Still in California, but we're leaving first thing in the morning to head home. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. How's Jacob?" Edward inquired.
"He's all right. I can't really talk much now. Can I call you after I drop him off at Billy's?" I asked.
"Yes, of course," he answered a little nervously, "I love you, Bella. Tell Jacob hello for me. Be safe."
"Don't worry Edward. I love you, too. Have fun with your family today. Things are fine. I'll talk to you later"
And with that we hung up.
I wrapped my arms and my blouse around me guiltily. I looked over at Jacob, his beautiful russet smooth muscled chest, his deep liquid eyes, and guilt flooded into my throat again. "Jake, I can't. I love him and I don't want to betray him."
"Bella...he's not here. This is about you and me," and suddenly Jacob was at my side again.
His hand was behind my neck pulling my face to his again. He kissed me on the lips, the chin, the throat, then down my chest kissing the top of my breast above the line of my bra. I shook my head trying to clear it. "Jake, stop..."
"Bella," he said between kisses as he worked his way back up to my neck, "Let me make love to you. Let me be your last human experience. I won't break you, and I won't have to treat you like fragile glass. Please. Let me make love to you then I'll kiss you goodbye. Let me show you the feel of soft and warm against your beautiful warm skin. Whether or not Edward will ever know will be your decision, I have no desire to hurt him." Finally, his lips left my skin and he was looking directly into my eyes, my heart flipped over, "I'm not asking you to change your mind. Edward will get to have you for the rest of eternity. He will have many kisses, many times like this. He will have you in his life, and in his arms. All I'm asking is for something to remember you by that I can call mine, and mine alone. Something to remember how you loved me, though I couldn't have you. Then I will lock away that part of my heart forever and let you go. I will let you go. I know you love me Bella, and I know you want me, I can feel your heart race. Please Bells, make love with me, ...then I'll say goodbye."
Jake looked up into my eyes, and I knew this was not some macho kind of conquest thing. It was a real plea. He had laid himself bare, and I knew that it wouldn't take much to break him. I didn't answer. Thoughts ran through my mind, contradicting each other. How could I make this decision? Either way, someone would lose. Either way, I would lose. I looked out over the ocean, the salt breeze blowing through my hair, and I began to shiver. Jake seemed willing to allow me time. He stood, walked over to my backpack, pulled out my fleece throw and wrapped it around my shoulders. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, then walked over to the edge of the cliff and gazed out over the water, allowing me some time to consider.
My thoughts drifted to Edward, and all of our careful conversations regarding compromise. I knew that my demand had really unsettled Edward, that it worried him that he could get over excited and hurt me. It wasn't just his strength that was an issue. I'd heard of girls, who had actually bled some, their first time. Was I being selfish to expect Edward to restrain himself that much? Was it just too much to ask that he be expected to resist the call of my blood, while asking him to make love to me while showing enough physical restraint not to hurt me? I was embarrassed at my selfish demands. How much could one vampire be expected to endure?
Then I thought about my virtue, how important that had been to Edward. It had been one of the few things we had in common. Would he still love me if I traded away my virtue for some peace of mind for Jacob? For myself? Surprisingly, I thought, more than anyone, Edward might understand. Oh, he would be truly jealous, and hurt, but I knew he loved me and might even see this as a better logical solution to my demand.
My demand - again, the very thought made me blush with selfish embarrassment. Was it truly necessary? Could I just give it up and choose to become immortal before giving myself away? I considered this for a few minutes. No - this was one experience I had to have before my heart ceased beating and my skin iced over. I knew this with utter conviction, especially after feeling my heart race with desire today. I didn't want to spend eternity wondering what it might have been like.
Finally, my eyes looked up at Jacob. His beautiful muscled russet shoulders and back to me as he gazed out over the ocean. Would this really be in his best interest? Yes, selfishly, I wanted him. I know he wanted me. But would this just make it harder for both of us to let go. I had cried myself empty on Edwards shoulders the last time I walked away from Jacob. It felt impossibly painful - second only to the empty hole that had torn itself through me when Edward had left me months before. I knew what pain felt like. Could I walk away again, and not damage his soul beyond repair? My heart ached for him. I wanted to make things as easy as possible for him, but I wasn't sure this was it.
Jacob turned and looked at the indecision on my face. He walked over and sat behind me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his impossibly long, warm arms around me, his chin resting on my head. "You've been quiet a long time, Bella. Tell me what your thinking." He rested his elbows on my legs which were folded indian-style and wrapped my hands in his.
"I'm thinking that I left Charlie's this morning in a mad hurry to get to you and to help you heal and move on with your life. And here I sit, with the potential to cause you more pain, regardless of the decision I make. Whatever decision I make, I will marry Edward in 6 days. I will become his wife and an immortal and spend my existence with him. I love him, and I cannot live without him. But, To give you false hope, as I have already done today, is cruel."
"Bella..."
"No listen, Jake. It isn't that I don't love you. I truly do. I do love you, Jacob Black. But Edward and I - our love is bigger than this world, bigger than the two of us. It's wrapped in destiny and kissed by fate. I could not live without him. There is no going back, the decision was made long before I ever walked into your garage."
"Bella, I know! I do. I've given up hoping that you could choose me. Edward allowed me to see inside his head clearly the night before I got hurt, and I know he loves you. I know what you are to each other, and I know that he is a good ...person. I seriously believe that after today, I can move on. But Bella, you have to understand, that either way, this is my choice. Just like you had to make the best choice for your heart, you have to understand that I have to make the best choice for mine."
"And, truthfully," he hesitated, "I'm hoping that this will allow you to let go of your demands on Edward. I think it's foolish and dangerous, and that if you and I have this experience perhaps you will change your mind. I'm hoping that perhaps I can be a part of helping to keep you safe until you are ... less fragile."
"Jacob, I told you before, that's none of your business," I said again in a slightly defeated tone of voice. Obviously, he'd been having the same thoughts that I had been having.
"Bella, you cannot ask me not to think about this. I'm sorry this is an uncomfortable conversation for you, but your safety has been my concern for too long to turn my back on this. I know you don't perceive this as a danger to you, but it is. Even Edward couldn't deny the possibility when I mentioned it in the tent that night."
Jacob paused, sighed then reached down and kissed me behind the ear and quietly said, "Tell Edward, don't tell Edward - It makes no difference to me. But, let me make love to you, then you can postpone your 'honeymoon' with Edward until after the change." A warmth spread through my being as I realized that I had made my decision. I would live with the consequences, but I couldn't speak my decision out loud. To speak the very words that would be such a betrayal to my beloved Edward, was an impossibility. I simply lifted one of Jacob's huge warm hands to my lips and kissed it. My path was set. I heard a ragged intake of warm breath as Jacob, too, realized my decision. He reached down and kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, "I love you, Bella, I will love you for always, but after today, I will let you go."
With that, Jacob slid his arm under my legs, pulled me into his arms and stood up. He carried me a short way into the trees where our betrayal would have a little less exposure. He lightly placed me on my feet, then pulled the blanket from off of my shoulders and laid it carefully on a soft patch of grassy undergrowth. Then he picked me up again in his warm arms and kissed me softly on the mouth as he kneeled, sitting me gently on the blanket.
My head was spinning, my heart pounded. Jacob was beside me now, but facing me. He took my face in his hands and kissed me hungrily. His hands buried themselves in my hair as he took what he now knew was his to take. He reached down and pushed my still unbuttoned blouse off of my shoulders and helped me as I struggled ungracefully to pull my arms free. Then he reached down behind me and unfastened my bra strap. With that, an involuntary gasp released itself from my careful constraint and I felt myself losing control. My arms reached out and wrapped themselves around his neck, his shoulders, and pulled him closer to me. His lips moved down my neck and then across my collarbone.
Gently, Jacob lowered me down onto the blanket. He kissed my shoulder then moved down my chest toward my breast. His hot breath was heavenly on my skin, and his earthy smell clouded my thoughts. His lips lingered momentarily brushing across my nipple as he moved his kisses down toward my stomach, pausing only to undo the snap and zipper of my jeans. I clumsily kicked off my shoes. I looked up through the tree tops, seeing nothing, and in one quick motion Jake pulled the rest of my clothes past my hips and free. I closed my eyes, feeling exposed and anxious. I heard the rasp of Jacob's nylon pants being hastily discarded, then felt the soft warmth of his long muscular body next to mine. He rolled me onto my side, facing him and crushed his warm self to me as he hungrily sought my lips. He was right. He wasn't going to treat me like fragile glass. For several minutes our movements were wild and desperate. He kissed me deeply, then unexpectedly, slowed his efforts and went back to brushing his lips across my face. My arm reached up around his waist and pulled him even closer.
"Are you ok, Bells? Are you sure?" I opened my eyes and looked deeply into his. I could feel the future I was giving up spreading out before me. I wanted this. I wanted it so badly. I wanted one piece of this perfect alternative future to place away in my heart to take out and relive from time to time. I nodded, and fought back the tears as bittersweet desire flowed like waves threatening to overtake me.
I was hungry to explore every inch of his perfectly muscled warm body. My lips explored his neck as my hands moved along his chest, down his abdomen, around his waist and over his shoulders. I reached down and felt the length of his perfectly carved buttocks and thighs as I pressed myself to him. I caressed every inch of Jacob, memorizing his perfect form. My movements were calmer, softer than before, more exploratory. He shuttered at my touch, his breathing increased. I could feel his heartbeat, and mine quickened to match its cadence. Then Jacob again took control. His hands and his lips left hardly an inch of my body un-branded by his heat. I groaned at the unknown desires that coursed through my body. For several minutes, I fought to slow my reactions to the shivers he sent through my system. Then, his soft lips were back on mine and I felt my lips burn as I hungrily pulled Jacob toward me, I wasn't sure how much more I could take, I wanted all of him and he felt my eagerness. Jacob shifted his weight, his heat coursing through my very veins, my heart raced with the anticipation. I felt a flash of pain, as I let out a gasp, then we were moving as one, our bodies in perfect rhythm. My head swam as everything but Jacob Black and his perfect sunny dark eyes, and the pleasure he gave me left my mind. We made love as the sound of the ocean crashed against the cliffs below.
When we were physically expended, Jacob rolled off to my side and pulled me close to him like spoons in a drawer. My head rested against his bicep as a pillow. We lay there, our breathing slowing, quiet and dozing for several minutes. I could feel Jacob running his warm fingers up and down from my knee, along my thigh and to my waist, then down again. He periodically kissed my hair or my neck, allowing the quiet to permeate, but not offend. In the distance I could still hear the sound of the ocean pounding against the cliffs and the cry of the gulls, and wondered to myself if that sound would ever be commonplace again.
"Are you ok, Bells? What are you thinking about," Jacob asked?
"Yes, I'm fine Jake. I was thinking about many things, actually," I hesitantly answered.
"Such as...?"
"Well, I was actually wondering how you could be so...adept, at 16. I mean, unless there's something I don't know about, this was a first for you, too."
"So, I was ok," Jake asked teasingly, sounding much more like my Jake, the Jake I had come to miss.
"Would you like some applause?", I answered, with the same teasing tone.
"Bella, I've had lots of time to think about this. I spent an excruciating night in a sleeping bag with you, remember? You might have been able to sleep, and Edward might have been able to block my thoughts with his stupid humming, but all I could do was think about this."
"So you've been planning this for a long time, huh," I asked a little uncomfortable.
"No. I wished, maybe even hoped, but never really thought this day would come," he sincerely explained.
"Change the subject Bells, what else were you thinking about," Jake asked?
I rolled over on my back and looked up into his eyes. "I was wondering about your promise. Will you be able to let me go, now, or have I just caused more damage?"
"Bella, I made a promise. I will love you for as long as I breathe," he said as he pulled me closer, "But I will let you go. If Edward can push away his natural instinct to kill you to keep you safe, then I too, can learn to put aside my desires. I will learn to resist, because the pull between us is tearing me apart. Don't get me wrong, if you change your mind, I will always be here ready to give you the life that would have been our perfect future, if destiny had not interfered. But I will let you go. This afternoon, will be enough. It will have to be." Jacob kissed my forehead again.
"Jake, I'm so sorry...
"Give it a rest, Bella. No more sorry's. There was never much hope, and I don't think you had a choice either. Like you said, the decision was made long before you ever walked into my garage. I'm trying to make peace with it now."
"You don't hear the cliffs apologizing to the waves for breaking on them, do you. Sometimes in nature, it's just this way. I can't allow you to continue apologizing for me being so determined to break upon you."
Let's just enjoy what's left of the day. Then I will kiss you goodbye, and let you go - and you will let me go. I will always have today. It will have to be enough." And again, we were silent for a while.
"I'm thirsty, do you have anymore bottled water in your backpack," Jacob asked. I rolled back over on my side as he got up and grabbed his nylon pants and pulled them on. He thoughtfully wrapped the half of my blanket that he had been laying on over me, then left to go retrieve my backpack. I sat up and wrapped the blanket around myself, knowing I didn't have time to find my clothes and dress before Jake returned. I sat gazing out toward the ocean, listening to the crash of the waves against the rocks thinking about what Jacob had said. I was the cliff against which Jacob had broken.