INT. LIVING ROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Randy enters carrying a pizza. Sharon is there, sitting on the couch watching television.

RANDY
Sorry I'm late, Sharon. I picked up a pizza. Kids, pizza's here!

SHARON
Oh, it's just going to be us tonight. Shelly's having a sleepover and Stan said he was going over his little girlfriend's.

RANDY
Oh, okay. How many slices you want?

SHARON
Two.

Randy brings the pizza into...

INT. KITCHEN - MARSH HOUSE

Randy puts the pizza down, takes out two plates, drops some slices on them, and then carries the plates out to...

INT. LIVING ROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Randy hands Sharon a plate, then sits. Sharon offers him the remote control.

SHARON
You can change the channel if you want.

RANDY
Um, actually, it's okay if you want to watch your show.

SHARON
Really?

RANDY
Yeah. I mean, we always watch what I want to watch. So, what is this, anyway? A show about lesbians?

SHARON
It's a Charmed re-run. They're not lesbians. They're sisters.

RANDY
Cool. Cool.

SHARON
You might like it, actually. They're witches with powers, like those superheroes you love so much.

RANDY
Cool. Cool.

While Sharon watches the lesbian show, Randy calmly sneaks his phone out of his pocket and opens the Mr. Skinn app.

RANDY
So, um, who's that?

SHARON
Alyssa Milano's character? Her name is Phoebe. She's one of the sisters.

RANDY
Cool. Cool. That's 'Milano', like the cookie?

SHARON
I think so.

He types in 'Alyssa Milano' on his phone. It comes up with several nude scenes.

RANDY
Awesome.

SHARON
I knew you'd like it if you just gave it a chance.

RANDY
Ok. Bathroom break.

Randy heads to the bathroom with his phone.

Stan enters, looking forlorn.

SHARON
You're home early. I thought you were having dinner over at Wendy's.

STAN
We had a fight.

SHARON
Aw. You want to talk about it?

STAN
I don't know. Has Dad ever done anything that made you embarrassed, and then acted like he didn't even understand why you would be embarrassed by it?

SHARON
You mean, since he got home?

STAN
Nevermind. Stupid question. But now, I'm the one getting ragged on at school. How do you deal with it?

SHARON
Well, it can be hard when you love someone, especially when their idiosyncrasies draw attention to you in a way that makes you want to crawl under a rock and die. As far as the other kids at school picking on you, kids your age are fickle. Something else will happen and they'll be on to the next thing. I'm sure it will blow over soon and they'll have forgotten all about it.

STAN
I hope so.

SHARON
There's pizza in the kitchen if you're hungry.

Stan heads for the kitchen.

Randy, looking relaxed with a big grin on his face, re-enters and plops down on the couch. He lights up a cigarette, takes a drag, then exhales.

RANDY
So, what else is on?

Sharon gives him a dirty look.

INT. DINING ROOM - LOG CABIN

TELEVISION MONTAGE: Classical music plays over a montage of images, ala "Martha Stewart Living". Cartman, wearing a sweater, walks through a garden. He sets a table for fine dining. He and Captain America throw a log on a fire. The title reads: "Disney presents Marvel's: At Home with Eric Cartman".

Eric Cartman, wearing a different sweater, with neatly combed hair, stands at a dining room table with craft supplies.

CARTMAN
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of 'At Home with Eric Cartman'. Today, we have a fun little craft for everyone. We start with a pair of old sunglasses and some peach paint. I prefer oil-based with a brush but a spray can will do just as well in a pinch. What you want to do is get a nice even coat.

Cartman paints the sunglasses peach, then puts them down to dry.

CARTMAN
Now, if you're like me, you have a lot of pencils laying around from all those standardized tests they make us take in skewl. Then, after you take the test, what are you supposed to do with the pencils? I mean, no one uses pencils anymore. What is this, Africa? What I do is I take an exacto knife and I cut off the eraser tips like so. Then, I coat one end with some gorilla glue, and press it firmly for just a few seconds to the lens of the sunglasses and...

With both eraser tips glued to the sunglasses, he puts them on. They look like boobs.

CARTMAN
... there you go. A nice pair of wearable Wendy's Boobs. Isn't that lovely? Join me tomorrow, when I show you how with just some food coloring, the tops off of two mini-muffins, and a couple of red hots, you can make yourself a pair of edible Wendy's Boobs. Have a pleasant day.

He smiles for the camera.

INT. HALLWAY - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Cartman stands next to a craft table selling "Wendy's Boobs" themed crafts. Butters tries on a pair of Wendy's Boobs sunglasses. Kyle, outraged at the display, marches over.

CARTMAN
Wendy's Boobs sunglasses, two for five dollars. Wendy's Boobs novelty magnets, a dollar each. Get your Wendy's Boobs.

KYLE (to Cartman)
What the hell do you think you're doing?

CARTMAN
I think I'm doing my part to support equal rights for women in this country. It's a very important issue that weighs heavily on my soul. Like a big pair of heavy boobs.

KYLE
No, that's what Wendy was doing when she handcuffed herself to Garrison's desk. You're just an asshole trying to make money off it, while also making fun of her.

CARTMAN
I see, so when Wendy shows her boobs to the whole school, it's this big courageous act highlighting an issue of extreme social injustice, but when I show her boobs to the whole school, I'm just an asshole. Is that what you're saying, Kyle?

KYLE
Yes.

CARTMAN
Wow. I see sexism is alive and well in the Broflovski house.

KYLE
Rrrrgg!

Stan, looking like he hasn't bathed since yesterday, walks by and over to his own locker. Kyle follows him.

KYLE
Are you just going to stand there and let Cartman get away with this?

STAN
What do you want me to do about it? This is between Cartman and Wendy.

KYLE
But she's not even here to defend herself since she got suspended.

STAN
I guess she should have thought about that before she broke the rules. I'd just rather not get involved in this one. If Wendy cares so much, let her deal with it when she gets back. Besides, sooner than later something else will come up and Cartman will move on to the next thing. I'm sure it'll blow over soon enough.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

Topless female protestors march outside South Park Town Hall. The group includes Laura Tucker (Craig's Mom), Sarah Valmer (Jimmy's Mom), and Ms. Bronski (the Elementary school's nurse), among many, many others. They all have something about women's equality written on their exposed boobs. "Free Victoria" appears more than once on their chests and protest signs.

PROTESTORS (chanting)
No masters, no slaves. Free Victoria! No masters, no slaves. Free Victoria! No masters, no slaves. Free Victoria!

From a distance, the police have the area cordoned off, but a crowd has formed. Among them is Randy, who approaches one of the officers.

RANDY
What's going on here?

POLICE OFFICER
Some women are protesting for gender equality.

RANDY
Topless?

Randy starts giggling and takes out his phone. He takes pictures of some of the protestors.

RANDY
Is that Sarah Valmer? I've always wanted to see those.

He takes a few more pictures.

RANDY
Ok. Bathroom break!

He walks off.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - TOWN HALL

Mayor Mary McDaniels watches the protest from her office. Deputy-Mayor Bradley is with her.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
God dammit, who the hell told Barbrady to arrest Principal Victoria, anyway?

DEPUTY-MAYOR BRADLEY
She took her clothes off in front of a school full of children, Mayor.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
After all the crap Garrison's pulled over the years, you'd think he could have looked the other way on this one.

Office Barbrady enters.

BARBRADY
Hello, Mayor.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
Do you have any idea what kind of a circus you've caused? The governor called me at my house this morning! Is she here?

BARBRADY
My officers are bringing her in now.

Two officers escort into the office a handcuffed Principal Victoria. She's wearing an orange prison jumper.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
Principal Victoria, I don't know what your motives are for all of this, but you and I are reasonable people. I'm sure we can reach some sort of understanding, before we end up with a riot on our hands. These public displays of indecency are totally unacceptable.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You want to know what's unacceptable? The United States is one of only four countries in the world that doesn't provide paid maternity leave.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
Yes, but-

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Domestic violence claims the lives of four women every single day.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
The police are doin-

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Women make as little as 77 cents for every dollar men make in the same jobs.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
Wait, what was that last part?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Women in the U.S. make 77 cents on the dollar compared to men. Counselor Mackey makes more money than I do, and I'm his boss! Do you know how much Deputy-Mayor Bradley makes?

Mayor McDaniels eyes Deputy-Mayor Bradley, who appears nervous.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

A Channel 9 news reporter speaks into a microphone.

REPORTER
We're live outside town hall where women have gone topless to protest gender inequality, and in a truly bizarre turn of events, some of them... are actually kind of hot. Among their demands are equal pay for women in the workforce as well as the release of inspired, but not as hot, female activist "Principal Victoria".

Mayor McDaniels and Principal Victoria emerge from the town hall.

REPORTER
There's Principal Victoria now, along with Mayor McDaniels. It looks like the mayor is getting ready to make a statement. Let's listen.

The camera zooms in on Mayor McDaniels. The protestors and gathered onlookers all quiet in anticipation of what she's going to say.

Suddenly, Mayor McDaniels rips her shirt off, exposing her breasts to the crowd. The words "Female Jihad" are written across her body.

MAYOR MCDANIELS
F# * your morals!

The protestors cheer as Mayor McDaniels releases Principal Victoria, who immediately strips. The two of them get in line with the rest of the protestors and start chanting.

INT. LIVING ROOM - WENDY'S HOUSE

Wendy watches the Channel 9 news and gets excited.

WENDY
This is awesome!

She pulls out her phone to text someone. When the screen lights up, the wallpaper is a picture of Stan. Seeing his face, she grows sad. She puts the phone on the coffee table and changes the channel.

The doorbell rings. She gets up, opens the door. It's Kyle.

WENDY
What are you doing here?

KYLE
Hey, Wendy. I just wanted to ask you if there's anything I can do to help with your protest thing.

WENDY
You care about gender equality?

KYLE
Yeah. I think it's great, and it's wrong what some people are doing; making fun of you, treating it like it's a joke, and trying to make money off it.

WENDY
Who's trying to make money off- nevermind, stupid question. Look, Kyle, gender equality is a serious issue. It's not just about sticking it to fat, chauvinist, assholes like Eric Cartman.

KYLE
Is it about Stan?

WENDY
No. Why? Did he say something?

KYLE
Kind of. Stan's changed. It's like he just doesn't care about anything anymore.

WENDY
Well, Stan needs to get it through his thick skull that how I choose to display my body is my business and isn't about him.

KYLE
So if it isn't about Stan, and it isn't about Cartman, what the hell is it about?

Wendy screams and slams the door in his face.

EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - DAY

Kyle stares at the closed door for a moment.

KYLE
What the hell is it about boobs that makes everyone so crazy?

He walks away.

INT. BEDROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Sharon watches television in bed. Randy, grinning ear to ear, also in his pajamas, gets in bed with his phone.

RANDY
All right, what are we watching?

SHARON
It's a Lifetime movie, "The Inconvenient Boyfriend".

RANDY
Okay, okay. And who's the girl?

SHARON
The star? That's Jennifer Love Hewitt.

RANDY (under his breath)
God, look at the size of those puppies.

Randy taps out the name into his Mr. Skinn app. It pops up with an error "No Nudes Found".

RANDY
Sharon... Is that Hewitt with two t's?

SHARON
I think so.

"No Nudes Found". He panics.

RANDY
And is the 'Love Hewitt' part her whole last name? Or is 'Love' a middle name? Does she ever go by just 'Jennifer Hewitt'?

SHARON
I think I've only ever heard it Jennifer Love Hewitt.

He starts to hyperventilate. He grabs her.

RANDY
Is 'Love Hewitt' one word or two? Does she hyphenate? DOES SHE HYPHENATE?!

SHARON
I-I don't think she does. Why are you so interested?

RANDY
I'll be right back.

He runs into...

INT. BATHROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Randy locks the door. He moves to the sink and looks in the mirror. A daydream like haze of boobs appears all around his head; Scarlett Johansson's, J-Law's, Sarah Valmer's, Alyssa Milano's, and they're all bare and glorious.

But then... Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. So big. So cleavy. But so covered!

RANDY
No... no... no!

He runs the water and splashes some in his face. He takes several deep breaths, then looks back at himself in the mirror.

RANDY
I have to see them.

His expression turns to one of pure determination.

- To be Continued... with even bigger boobs... -