Chapter Two

One Month Later

The room felt empty and cold as Derek lay next to his wife, who was curled in a ball on the other end of the bed. He guessed it was pretty late, but he didn't have the motivation to sit up and check the clock. It would be another restless night where he could not close his eyes and just fall asleep, because that was near impossible after everything that happened. Meredith would often whimper in her sleep, let out soft cries for Lexie, and then simply deny the nightmares in the morning, but Derek knew how much she was suffering. He propped his casted arm across his chest, staring at the mess that had become his hand. Callie operated on it four times and they were hopeful for a full recovery, but it would be a long while before he set foot in an OR again. The thought of surgery in itself made Derek smile, but then the frustration swept in as he realized how far away that day would be. Meredith also hadn't been to work since the accident, she had only recently gotten out of the hospital, two weeks ago, then Lexie's funeral came and she couldn't bear to be around the hospital. They both surrounded themselves with Zola, digesting every move she made, every sound that she giggled.

"Derek?" Meredith whispered, opening her eyes gently. "How long have you been up?"

"I don't really sleep," he replied, tenderly putting her messy hair behind her ear, "too many things to think about."

"Maybe we need another trip to Dr. Wallace?" she offered, kissing his temple softly, "Der you really need to sleep."

"Perhaps," he responded quietly, "it's just the grief, is all."

"Whenever I close my eyes I see her face," Meredith began, "and at first I didn't like that, and it scared me. But the more I do it, the less I miss her, because she's here, she's here, somewhere."

"How can you be so strong?" he asked, intertwining his fingers with hers.

"I'm not strong," she retaliated, "I'm just trying to get through the day."

"But then the night comes," he started, "and there is just no escaping."

"I'm not free, I'm just not trapped," she replied, "I love you and Zo more then anyone in the whole world."

"I'm glad," he kissed her again, "you two are the reason I get through the day."

"How's your hand?" she asked, brushing her fingers across his cast, "how's the pain?"

"I'm fine," he replied, "how's your pain?"

"I'll be okay," she answered, the bleeding in her brain had stopped without surgery, and Bailey had operated on her when they found blood in her kidneys, so after a few weeks she felt okay. She didn't feel good, but she felt okay. There was never any getting better from this, the pain that she feels, it won't go away. Or at least it won't go away any time soon.

"Did you hear what Zola said today?" Derek smiled, placing a hand delicately around her neck.

"No! Did she say something new?" Meredith responded excitedly, a smile broadening across her face.

"She kept saying 'ax-y" and at first I didn't know what she was saying," Derek began, "but then she kept saying it with such a determined look on her face, and then she said 'want ax-y.'

"She wanted Lexie?" Meredith said quietly, "Lexie. Well what did you tell her?"

"I said that when mommy and daddy take Zo out to go see the stars she's up there, and where the brightest star in the sky is, that's where Lexie is."

The rain thrashed against the pavement as Meredith stepped out of her car, struggling to open her umbrella, ultimately giving up the fight. She laughed at herself, how ridiculous she must have looked, but then the solemn graveyard hit her like a wave. The grief infiltrated every breath she took, every step she made toward the tombstone. She told Derek she had gone to Cristina's to help her pack, just so he wouldn't insist on following her here.

"I'll never stop loving you," Meredith whispered, sitting down on the wet grass, her black pants stained with mud. "Please, Lexie, please forgive me, for not saying goodbye." Her hands shook wildly as she placed the daffodils across the grave, kissing each flower, attempting to not drain them with her tears.

"I don't think I've ever cried this much in my life," she laughed, the tears drowning her face, "but Lex, every tear is for you, every tear are all those words I never said. And not just that last moment, when you took your last breath and I wasn't there, all those words before I knew you even existed. I lived so many years of my life, not even knowing I had a sister." Meredith caressed the dirt with her palm, feeling the budding grass with her fingers.

"I ran around my whole life thinking that I never had a family, that I never needed family, that I never wanted a family," her sobs began to subside, "but then I met you, and I realized that dark and twisty feeling, that empty hole that I felt, and I never knew where it was, it was in my heart all along, and you filled it."

Meredith brushed the indent of Alexandra Grey with her thumb, "thank you."

thoughts please! more reviews would be excellent, hopefully ill put up another chapter tomorrow, we'll see!