She's mine.
Well, she used to be.
She was mine before she was his.
We started dating after I moved to New York. We were together for over a year - one year, five months, three weeks, and four days to be exact - and I'd really started thinking we were forever until I noticed a pattern. The mentions of things I did in high school. I could have gotten past her saying she hated me. I mean, who hasn't said that in anger before? But she would always say that we were moving on from high school... I guess she meant unless we were fighting.
I really loved her. Breaking up with her was the hardest thing I've ever done.
FLASHBACK
"Lopez, someone to see you." I turned around and saw my girlfriend standing at the end of the bar.
"Rachel?" Confused, I walked over to the tiny brunette who managed to make my heart race with excitement and hurt at the same time. "What are you doing here?"
"We need to talk." I sighed; I knew exactly how this conversation would end and the bar that I worked at was definitely not the place go have it. I'm not even sure I was ready to have it. I wasn't ready for the end, not yet.
"Not now." Rachel rolled her eyes and pulled me into the hallway behind the bar. My head was screaming no, don't make me do this. She didn't know what was going to happen. I could tell she was expecting us to talk things out and be in the awkward period of technically done fighting, but still not quite done being mad yet.
"We haven't spoken in a week. The last time we did speak, I told you I hated you in a moment of anger. I'd like to apologize."
"Okay." Rachel stared at me for a moment before looking down. "I don't know what you want from me, Rachel. It's not fun to hear my girlfriend say she hates me."
"I didn't mean it, Santana, you know that." I know. I figured that out the second she realized what she said. She kept repeating apologies and declarations of love as I walked out of the loft.
"It doesn't change the fact that you said it and it kind of worries me that you were able to say it so easily. You threw so much stuff in my face, stuff from high school that you said you'd forgiven me for. You said we could move past that and start our lives together but it always seems to come up during our fights. That's not fair." Rachel bit her lip and I almost changed my mind. Almost. But I knew that if I changed my mind, we'd be back in this situation the next time we had a fight. "You know, everyone always joked that one of us would get hurt, but I'm not entirely sure that they thought it would be me."
"You're not my girlfriend anymore, are you?" Rachel whispered, wiping her eyes. This was the hardest part, honestly. Watching the woman I loved more than anyone and anything realize what was happening.
I bit my lip and shook my head.
"No, I'm not." I said, wiping a tear. A sob left Rachel's throat and I began crying harder. "This is so hard for me because I love you so much, but I don't think I can get over this. At least not soon. I've tried so hard to prove that I'm not the same person I was in high school and I don't think it's right to keep holding that stuff over my head when I've done nothing but love you and take care of you and treat you right since we started dating. Hell, even before that because we've been friends since I moved to New York."
"Santana, please don't do this. You know how much I love you." Rachel said. I looked down.
"I love you too, but I can't do this anymore, Rachel." I whispered, looking up to meet Rachel's eyes. She stared at me for a moment - my heart broke again as I saw the look in her eyes - before backing away. She said something about leaving and I looked at a nearby clock. "It's late, I'm calling you a cab."
"I'd rather walk."
"The I'm calling someone to walk with you." I said, pulling my phone out. I couldn't let something happen to her.
"You don't have to take care of me anymore." Rachel whispered. I looked up from the screen, biting her lip as I looked at her.
"Rachel, let me do this. You're still the woman I love even if you're not the woman I'm with. I'm not breaking up with you because I don't love you."
"Fine." Rachel said, looking away. I nodded, sending a quick text to Sam before locking my phone. A few seconds later, Sam responded and I put my phone away.
"Sam will be here soon. You can hang out back here until he arrives." Rachel nodded. "I have to get back to work." I whispered, walking back to the main part of the bar. I knew if I stayed back there any longer, I'd be begging her to forgive me for what I'd just done.
END FLASHBACK
Seeing her the other day was... I don't even know how to describe it. This is ridiculous. I should not be feeling like this, not when I broke up with her for the reason I did.
I thought I was over her, but then I saw her.
And Sam.
God, she's dating Sam? He's always going after my ex-girlfriends. He probably tried to hit on her the night I broke up with her when he walked her home.
I could tell she's not that into him, which made it easier to see them together.
Am I even allowed to feel like this? I'm the one who ended things.
Sure, I'm dating Dani now, but my heart belongs to Rachel. It always has. I'm pretty sure it always will.
I need to get over this. I need to move on. I can't go through that again. Dani cares about me, she would never hold that kind of stuff over me the way Rachel did.
Not that she has anything like that to hold over me. We don't have that kind of history... We don't have any history, really, not yet.
I have fun with Dani, I really do. It's just...
I can't get Rachel out of my head.
"Hey babe."
"Hey Dani. Do you want to get a late dinner? I have a study group session until seven, but we could meet somewhere. My treat." The last time I saw Dani, she'd found some pictures of Rachel in my room that had been in there since we were dating. She was really upset by it and I want to make it up to her.
"Oh, I wish I could but I have to work the graveyard tonight so I'm going to get some sleep before I have to go in."
I can't tell if she's just using that as an excuse to not have to see me.
"Oh, okay. I'll just see you tomorrow then." I whisper, biting my lip.
"Sure. Later babe." She hangs up before I answer.
"Bye."
Yeah, she's still upset.
"Santana?" Of course I would run into someone after the hellish day I just had. All day, I was either worrying about Dani or thinking about Rachel. I barely got through my study group and I have to go back and read everything again.
Oh yeah. Someone is trying to talk about me.
Holding back a sigh, I turn around and laugh when I see Rachel walking toward me.
I probably should not be this excited to see her again.
"After months of avoiding each other, we see each other twice in one week. What're the odds?" Rachel smiles.
"Technically, one of those was planned." I nod. "You heading home?"
"Yeah, I don't have to work tonight, but Dani is working a graveyard at the diner she works at so I'm riding solo tonight. What about you?"
"Sam is taking a modeling class tonight, so I was about to pick up some take out for one." I raise an eyebrow. "What?"
"We could... I mean if you want to... We could get dinner together." Rachel smiles softly and I remember how much I used to love looking at that smile.
Some things never change, I guess.
"Sure, I'd like that. Come on."
Looks like I'm going to dinner with my ex.
"This is what I've missed the most." Rachel says as she laughs. We decided to go to this deli that we came across while walking to the subway and it was definitely the right choice.
"What? Hearing stories about my idiotic classmates?" Rachel laughs again. I forgot how much I loved that sound.
"No, just... Talking to you. I miss that more than anything. I miss our friendship, I miss our conversations." I smile.
"You don't miss the sex?" I tease, causing her to roll her eyes.
"I never said that. You know how much I enjoyed that." I laugh loudly.
"Hell yeah, I do." Rachel blushes. "I've missed this too, Rachel."
"Yeah?" I nod and bite my lip, looking at her. I really want to kiss her, but I can't. I can't hurt Dani. I may not be in love with her, but I don't want to betray her trust like that. "What's wrong?"
"Um... Nothing. I should go." Rachel eyes fill with sadness and I can't look in them anymore.
"I understand." she whispers, looking down.
"Trust me, Rachel, you don't." She raises an eyebrow. "If I stay here... I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend."
"Santana..."
"God, why can't I resist you?" I whisper. Rachel blushes. "Tell me you don't want this."
"I can't do that."
This is happening.
I lean forward and kiss her softly, my hand immediately finding her cheek and pulling her closer.
"San..." she whispers as she pulls away. I raise an eyebrow. "Roommate?"
"Out of town." Rachel nods slowly. "We shouldn't though."
"Right." I sigh. "Can we at least be friends?"
"Sure. My number is the same, call me anytime." I say, smiling. Rachel nods. "I should go."
"Yeah, me too." I stand up, sending her a soft smile.
"I'll see you?" She nods. "Okay."
I need to get out of here. I need to go see Dani.
"Hey Terry. Is Dani in the back?" I ask as I walk into the diner my girlfriend works at.
"No, she's not working today. She called and asked if she could pick up a graveyard shift, but I didn't have any openings for tonight."
Wait, what?
I knew it. I can hear Terry callings name as I storm out of the diner, but I don't care. I pull out my phone and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when she answers.
"Hello?"
"Dani, I need to talk to you." I make my way to the subway station.
"I can't right now, Santana, I'm getting ready for work."
Wow. That was a straight lie.
"Yeah, I understand. Call me later." I hang up before she can answer and scroll down to the familiar name.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mom. Do you have a second to talk?"
"Thanks for calming me down, Mom." I say as I lay down on my bed. I've been talking to my mom for almost three hours, just talking about this whole situation.
"Of course, mija. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but you can't help who you love."
"What should I do?" I whisper even though I know what she's going to say.
"I can't answer that for you, mija. This is your decision to make."
"Yeah, okay. I'm going to go to bed." I say.
"Okay. Good night mija, I love you."
"I love you too, Mom." I hang up the phone and find myself staring at the ceiling.
I want to love Dani. I wish I could forget Rachel and give Dani all of my heart, but I can't.
At the end of the day...
She's just not Rachel.