Two chapters at one time, for a new story? Yep, that's right. This is not an hallucination. You are not dreaming. I had it done already and it seemed like such a waste to not post it...
It was one thing to be beaten in a drunken rage. Eventually the rage would subside and he would be left alone to heal while his father slept it off. The bruises and cuts would have time to heal or at least scab over before the next time, which there always was. This experience was different. Nothing in his childhood had really prepared him for this. There was no downtime between beatings; no time for one set of wounds to heal before the next wave of pain came. His tormentor didn't need to sleep it off. Not until those federal agents showed up and stormed into the room did his body and mind get a brief respite.
Marty Deeks laid on his couch, mindlessly surfing through channels. Monty was curled up on the floor in front of him. There was nothing on that he wanted to watch, but it gave him something to do. His mind wandered to undesirable places when it was too quiet. He settled for a renovation show on one of those home improvement channels. He caught the end of the episode, as the host was showing the family their new space.
"You took a leap of faith by renovating a huge portion of your first floor so that it could be a new living area. There were a lot of obstacles but now it's over and…" the host on TV was saying.
Deeks had been told "it's over" by several people after they took him from that awful warehouse. But it's not over. It might never be over for all he knew, and that was the worst part of torture. It's never really over; there are long-lasting effects that will repeat themselves over and over and over again. The doctors had reassured him that he would make a full recovery from his injuries. They could only speak to his physical wounds, though. They had no idea how deep the other ones were. They had no idea if he would ever heal fully from those. He flipped the channel. An infomercial about some self-help program shouted at him from the screen.
"We all have them! What are your fears? Think you can never get over them? Do you need help facing them? Then let us help. Our accredited program has a long record of…"
He sighed. Even in the relative safety of his apartment he still lived in fear, but not the kind an infomercial could cure him of. Every night he feared sleep and the nightmares it would reliably bring. He feared eating anything harder than eggs for what it might do to his jaws, and he couldn't use metal silverware ever again. The sounds of hammers and drills terrified him. Most of all, though, he lived in fear of his own brokenness.
He knew he was broken, barely resembling the man he used to be. He did not deny that. The first blow came from a co-worker who he had looked up to. He and Sam didn't always see eye to eye on how to do things, but he knew that Sam was a good man with a lot of valuable experience he could learn from. Then he found himself in a park being ridiculed for his style and work ethic and his hair of all things! The second blow came from the one person he never thought could hurt him – his partner Kensi. They had finally reached the boiling point in their denial of all things non-professional. She challenged him to say something he meant. He thought it was what she wanted, what she had hinted around at; it was definitely what he had wanted for a long time. The look on her face when he stepped back from the kiss, though, and her hasty exit had been his answer. He wasn't what she wanted and now he knew. She was just his partner and nothing more. The final blow came from Siderov. The ironic part is that torture by a Russian madman didn't actually bother him as much as the first two blows. Siderov was just another bad guy who caught a cop. Deeks never trusted the guy or had a relationship with him; the pain was expected. It was horrible, anguishing pain, but in a way it was expected and that made it easier to take.
A few more channels whizzed past the screen before Deeks settled on an old episode of "Lassie" on one of those classic TV channels. He let the remote drop out of his hand on to the cushion beside him, and reached down to pet his furry companion. At least he still had Monty. Man's best friend was about the only friend he had anymore. Sure, he had let Kensi help him with basic things until he could physically care for himself, but that was only because he really didn't have anyone else he could have called. It was the most awkward and tense two weeks they had ever spent together. They barely spoke to each other and never brought up what had happened. Once the doctor cleared him of his most serious injuries, Kensi stopped coming over. It was like she couldn't get away from him fast enough.
Monty's ears perked up at the touch of his human roommate and his tail began to flop on the floor, but even he knew Deeks was a different person. They only took short walks outside, just long enough for Monty to do his business and then they were back in the house. They didn't stop at the beach anymore, even when Monty whined and tugged at his leash in the direction of the water. Deeks was just going through the motions of what he had to do each day. That was all he could force himself to do. That was all he wanted to do anymore. He was not looking forward to having to go back to work – either location – but he needed the paycheck.
"When did things get so complicated?" she huffed. "Why did they get so complicated?" she asked the piles of clothes and take out boxes that served as decor in her apartment.
Kensi dug her spoon into the container and scooped out some ice cream. She placed it in her mouth and let the creamy, sugary treat slowly melt on her tongue. No matter how many marathons of reality TV she watched, her mind couldn't stop thinking about the mission, her team and most of all her partner. She thought ridiculing models would help keep her distracted, but it didn't help. They used to do this together. He used to buy her ice cream and keep her freezer (and his) stocked. He would join in the mocking of models with her, their voices united in their dislike of certain ones. That had all changed and she was alone now on her couch. Alone with her Rocky Road.
It was probably her fault for the breakdown in their partnership and even their friendship. It usually was, and she had come to slowly accept that she wasn't good for anyone. Before this case fell apart, she thought that was changing. Deeks treated her better than anyone ever had. He helped her believe she was important to him and worthy of being loved. They had grown closer to each other and she let walls crumble apart. Kensi had even let herself feel the beginnings of love, something she had vowed never to do again. When Deeks grabbed her face and kissed her, it was an amazing feeling – surprising but incredible. She wished she could have switched her brain off and stayed on that ridge longer, enjoying the feel of his lips on hers. But no, she had to ruin it, ruin everything. There was still a wall that wouldn't let herself enjoy that moment too much.
"I have to stay with Michelle," she repeated out loud. "How ridiculous does that sound? Hey Kensi, you've just been kissed by the most wonderful man in your life. What do you want to do now? Gee, Alex, I think I'll give him the silent treatment and go follow an undercover CIA agent," she mocked herself, speaking as though she had an audience. He had finally been honest and she blew him off using her job as an excuse. No wonder he was so cold to her; Deeks probably thought she had no interest in him. If she could have just stayed there a little longer, said something to him, things wouldn't have ended up this way. He wouldn't have been the only one left to dive in that pool after Sam. Maybe he wouldn't have been captured and repeatedly beaten. Maybe he would still be the same Deeks she finally knew she loved.
"So then what did I do? I smothered him, because that always works out well," Kensi laughed. She thought that helping Deeks after he came home from the hospital would give them a chance to talk, to start building things up again. That didn't happen, and they grew farther apart instead of closer together. She wanted to be there for him, show him how much she cared about him. God, she wanted to reach out and take away all his pain with just a touch of her fingers. It was so hard seeing Deeks like that. They had both been injured pretty badly on the job before, but this… this was more than just being injured. The marks on his body were the manifestation of someone's fear and rage mixed together. She couldn't magically take away his pain though, and she knew that. She couldn't fix anyone or anything, and that's what had stopped her. As much as these new feelings for Deeks had her wanting to stay with him, hold him and give in to her love for him, that was exactly the reason she had to leave. She learned that from Jack. She hadn't been enough, she couldn't fix him, and he left. Kensi didn't want to be the reason that Deeks wouldn't recover from his ordeal or worse run away from her. As soon as he was able to physically care for himself, she came back to her place. She would be the one leaving this time. It would hurt less, she had rationalized at the time.
Kensi tried to focus on her teammates instead. She had stopped over at Sam's house to check on him. Michelle greeted her cheerfully, but after some small talk she revealed that Sam was refusing to see anyone. Kensi was disappointed but understood that he was going through a hard time. She would see him soon enough. A few days later she called Callen. His phone went straight to voice mail, and he never returned any of her messages, voice or text. Hetty had told them all to stay away from OSP until their leave time was over, so she finally called Nell desperate for a friendly voice to chat with. Apparently Nell and Eric's workload had increased in the team's absence, which resulted in Kensi and Nell playing phone tag for four days before she just gave up. It was almost time to come back to work and she would catch up with her gal pal then.
"This will get better. It has to," she tried convincing herself as she spooned another bite of ice cream into her mouth.
Speaking of Nell and Eric, how have they been? What have they been up to? Only time - and chapter 3 - will tell. :-)