Chapter Two: The Usual Stuff

Walking out of the studio feeling on top of the world, Panchito walked down the sidewalk and noticed for the first time that everyone wasn't crowding around him, there wasn't any pushing or shoving to get past, no massive fireworks, no annoying songs, no fake costumes, no dumb parade floats and expensive lights. Just the world right in front of him.

That is, if you completely ignore the idiot who was too busy listening to crappy hipster music while walking towards a falling piano...

Terry Dicks was in short, a nerd. The biggest nerd in the world. He didn't wear a pocket protector, or a button up shirt. This wasn't the 1980's version of a nerd. This was the 21st century nerd: the thick plastic glasses, the messy hair, the smartphone with business apps, the iPad safely secure in a cheap bag, an iPod in his pocket with every single album on the charts, and ear buds in his ears.

While he was listening to a song that was likely written by a twelve year old, a moving crew was moving a piano down to the ground.

There were three movers, one directing the pulley that was lowering the piano, the other assisting the first, and a third on the ground, directing everything else. It would've been a smooth operation. Had it not been for slippery fingers and rope burn.

As the piano neared the ground, the guy on the pulley had to stop, to give his hands a break and told his assistant to take over. Just as the assistant took over, the rope started to slip, being a sort of a muscular guy, the assistant tried to slowly lower it down to the ground, but it slipped even farther. He called to the first guy:

"Hey Jim, I need some help over here!"

Jim nodded and helped his friend lift the piano but it was no use, the men weren't strong enough or had enough energy to lift the piano to keep it from failing, so they just let it fall and beg for forgiveness later.

Terry, who was bobbing his head to the music, was just walking under the piano as it began to slip.

Panchito, who was only a few feet behind him, looked up, saw the problem and shouted: "Señor, look out for the piano!"

Terry wasn't listening. He was the embodiment of the "too busy listening to hippy music to care for his own safety" ciché.

Panchito rolled his eyes and sighed, "The rooster always crows too late eh?" He towards Terry and called again.

"Señor!"

Terry heard him this time and removed his ear bubs, "What?" He asked.

"The piano!" The rooster shouted.

Terry looked up and saw that the piano was about to fall on top of him. So, not wanting to stand there like an idiot, Terry ran but he didn't run fast enough because the piano was already falling.

Panchito ran faster, hoping that he wouldn't be too late to save him. He tackled and pushed Terry out of the way just as the piano fell and shattered into a million pieces.

Terry, who was on the ground in pain, looked back at Panchito with eyes of confusion and anger.

"What the hell was that?" He said, standing and brushing himself off.

"Uh, saving your life?" Panchito said, pointing to the shattered piano.

Terry nodded, "Yeah, thanks but I think I can take care of myself."

Panchito rolled his eyes, "A simple gracias would be nice senor, you know, manners and all."

Terry laughed, "I don't need to be told etiquette from a chicken."

If there's one thing Panchito hated more than ungrateful people it was being called chicken.

Almost instinctively, Panchito pulled out two Smith and Wesson Model 986's. A Seven round, 9mm, synthetic grip, stainless steel, titanium alloy revolver.

Panchito spun his revolvers in two revolutions, cocking and aiming them at Terry in one fluid motion.

"Say that again ,Señor I dare you." Panchito said with a daring smile.

Terry nodded, "Sorry, I didn't mean it."

Panchito smiled slyly as he spun his pistols back into their holsters. "Como te llamas señor?" The rooster asked.

Terry looked at him, a bit confused. "What?"

Panchito smiled, "Como te llamas señor?" He repeated, not wanting to switch into English.

"I'm sorry I don't speak Spanish." Terry said as he walked to a crosswalk. Panchito followed him, looking as clueless as ever. He smiled.

"¿Por que?" Panchito asked.

"I have no idea what you're saying, please, just leave me alone."

"Nope, you owe me," Panchito looked at Terry, breaking into English for a moment, "Now, I say again, Como te llamas?"

"I say again," Terry said mockingly, "I don't speak Spanish."

"No entiendo porque no hablo inglés."

"Let me guess, you don't speak English?" Terry said, trying not to believe this was actually happening to him.

"Sí señor, ¿habla a Español?" Panchito asked.

"No." Terry answered, remembering the only thing he retained from his high school Spanish class. "Now can you please leave!"

Terry continued to his car, Panchito followed him. "I'm sorry," Panchito said slyly with a chuckle, "but I don't speak English."

Walking to his car, a 2010 Toyota Camry- Terry looked back and saw no one was thankful to see that Panchito was gone for the moment.

When he turned the ignition key, Terry adjusted his mirror and saw the rooster waving to him from the back seat.

"So," Panchito said, making himself comfortable, putting his feet on the back of the passenger seat, "where are we going?"

Terry rolled his eyes, "I have to go to work Mr.-"

"Panchito." The rooster nodded.

Terry nodded, "Right, and I'm Jose Carioca."

Panchito laughed, "No you're not, you're a loser who can't get a date."

Terry fake laughed, "Ha, ha very funny, now, get out of my car before I go to a KFC drive thru."

Panchito sat up, "Geez, what is it with all of these KFC references eh?"

Terry put the car in drive and drove towards his work. "Just so we're clear, I do have a girlfriend."

Panchito buckled his seat belt, "Is she your mother?"

"No," Terry said, rolling his eyes as he turned the corner, "her name is Tina." He fished in his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and flipped it open, revealing a picture of his girlfriend. "See," Terry said, keeping his eyes on the road, "girlfriend."

Panchito took the wallet, and nodded, "Impressive, you managed to hook up with a hooker." He punched Terry playfully on the shoulder."Muy bien amigo!" He laughed and threw the wallet back at Terry.

"She is not a hooker." Terry said assertively.

"Then what is she then?" Panchito asked.

"An elementary school teacher."

Panchito nodded, "Oh, so she's a crack addict got it."

Terry sighed and pulled over on the side of the road.

"Why are we stopping?" Panchito asked.

"Get out." Terry said.

Panchito nodded and got out slowly. As soon as he shut the door Terry bolted back onto the road. Before he was out of sight, Panchito took a pistol and aimed it at Terry's back tire. The bullet went through and Terry stopped. Looking in his rearview mirror, Terry saw Panchito sheathing his pistol and walking toward the car. "Well Terry," he sighed, "welcome to the beginning of hell."

Closing his eyes for a moment, Terry tried to imagine himself at work, away from this annoying, pestering rooster that somehow crawled into his life.

Panchito tapped on the glass, "Hello, are you alive?"

Terry turned over, staring at him like he just got out of bed, not wanting to move, "Get out of my life please."

Panchito laughed, "You're funny señor, but you owe me one. I saved your life remember."

Terry turned back in the seat and sighed, "What could you possibly want from me?"

"Oh, nothing much," Panchito said, making his way to the passenger seat, "just a place to stay."

The rooster opened the door and buckled up.

Terry looked at him, giving the same expression before, "I'd rather die than to have to see your face every morning."

Panchito smiled, "I'll buy you a mirror. Now," the rooster said, looking at Terry pleadingly, "please let me stay with you, at least for a few weeks, until I can find a job."

Terry did nothing but give the middle finger.

Pulling into the parking lot of Terry's work, the Dollar General of all places, Panchito was thinking of ways to get on Terry's good side.

"Stay here," Terry said, "don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't even breathe because if I see you screwing up, you're out understand me?"

Panchito nodded. "Si señor, no funny business."

Watching Terry walk toward the store, Panchito just had a revelation, he quickly rolled down the window, "Señor!" Panchito shouted, "does that mean I can stay?"

Terry turned around, "You saved my life, so why not."

Panchito smiled, "Gracias señor!"

Terry turned around and gave him the middle finger again.

Panchito laughed and rolled the window up.

As Terry walked through the doors, he looked back and thought, "You're an idiot," he sighed, "welcome to hell Terry, annoying, inescapable rooster hell."

Sitting in the car, Panchito twiddled his thumbs and grew bored quickly. He began humming the only song he knew by heart, his own, The Three Caballeros song. When he got to the second verse, he noticed that out in the parking lot was an elderly woman having trouble with her groceries. So, being good natured, Panchito got out of the car and walked out.

The woman was in her sixties, but looked like she was in her seventies. She opened the trunk of her 1993 Ford Buick and started to put in groceries when she saw Panchito standing near her.

"What do you want?" She asked with judgmental eyes.

Panchito bowed and removing his sombrero, "Hola señora," he said warmly, "do you need some help?"

The woman pushed her cart violently in the rooster's chest, "No I don't need your help you wetback!"

Panchito, who was several feet away and in pain, looked at the woman, "Now there's no need for that señora." He said, trying his best to be polite to a woman who was, unbeknownst to him, a member of the KKK.

Trying once again to be a Good Samaritan, Panchito put some grocery bags in the trunk. All the while, the elderly woman grabbed a shotgun, that she kept in her back seat. She cocked it.

"Step away from the goods you salsa eating bastard." She said, eyes full of racism and hatred that spanned about forty years.

"Whoa now," Panchito said with a nervous laugh, backing away towards Terry's car, "there's no need for violence." he said trying to put on a smile.

The woman raised the gun.

"Put the gun down por favor." Panchito said, smiling, trying to calm the situation down. The woman walked towards him, looking down her sights.

Panchito looked up at the sky and pulled out a Saint Christopher medal and prayed quickly ending with "I'm sorry for all the people I almost killed." before the woman fired towards him.

Screaming, Panchito ducked, avoiding the bullets. Standing up, he dusted himself off and looked at the woman:

"You are one crazy bitch!" He said, grabbing his pistols and spinning them, "Time to tame the bull eh?" He said laughing.

"Bring it on you coke snorting Villa loving alien!" The woman yelled.

Panchito laughed, "History lesson," he said, aiming his pistols at her, "Pancho Villa's dead." He fired.

The woman fell backwards into the trunk. Blood splattering on the groceries. Panchito's guns were smoking, he blew it off and sheathed the weapons.

"Well, don't want to waste any food." Panchito said and walked over to the trunk, raiding it of its contents, ignoring the dead body of the racist woman.

When Terry got off work later that evening, Panchito was still eating the old woman's stuff. He was just about to open a bag of Lay's chips when Terry called him over.

"What's this?" He asked looking at the mountain of garbage that Panchito made and the dead body in the trunk of the old woman's car.

"Uh, food what else?" Panchito said.

"No, I mean that." Terry pointed to the body.

"A dead body," Panchito answered, "geez do I need to explain everything to you probe?" He said as he walked back to Terry's car.

"I'm sorry what?" Terry asked.

"You've never seen NCIS?" Panchito said. Terry shook his head. "Dude," Panchito said, placing a sympathetic arm on Terry's shoulder, "get a life." He said and got in the passenger seat.

Getting in the driver's seat, Terry saw the old woman's body and recognized her.

"Is that my grandma?"

Panchito shrugged his shoulders, "That depends, was she a racist bitch who carries a shotgun everywhere?"

Terry sighed, "Yeah, that's Grandma Patricia." He said, driving out of the parking lot.

"Sorry señor," Panchito said, "But she insulted my country."

Terry nodded, "She insults a lot of countries." He said, "Blame her for 9/11."

Panchito stared at him, "That's too far man, way too far, hell, even Seth MacFarlane didn't go there."

Terry nodded, "I did, and believe me, one way or another, he's been there." Panchito sighed, sat back in the passenger seat and looked out the window.

After a while, the sun began to set and Terry was getting tired. "Alright," he said, pulling into his driveway, "do you have any stuff?"

Panchito nodded, "Si, it's in a storage unit though, I'll get it tomorrow, right now though, I just want to get some sleep." Terry nodded and escorted the rooster to the house.

Terry's house was plain and simple, a two story cottage at the end of a cul-de-sac.

To the left was Ms. Carson, an old widow who believed her cats would talk back to her. To the right was Mr. McFarley, a Scotsman who took great care of his lawn, his house, and his friends, which consisted of two inanimate objects: a rake and a lawnmower. In short, Terry's neighbors were crazy and insane.

Walking in the house, Panchito looked around and saw the typical stuff: a couch, a rug, a table, a loveseat, a chair, a television, a collection of vinyl records, a turntable, a porn collection, possible torture tools near the fireplace which was large enough to fit a body, and an insanely large Nazi flag hanging above it. You know, that usual stuff.

Panchito looked at Terry as he passed the fireplace. "Um, history buff?"

"Oh that stuff," Terry said, entering the kitchen, "that's Tina's."

Panchito looked at the room again and went from worried to scared, "So your girlfriend is a Neo-Nazi?"

Terry nodded, "Her grandfather was a Nazi and so, you know how that goes."

Panchito nodded slowly thinking to himself, "This guy is a nut job."

The kitchen was typical. Aside from the pagan symbols all over the walls and the candles everywhere, it was a normal kitchen.

"Wait, she's a Satanist too?" Panchito asked.

Terry nodded. "She's pretty fucked up."

"No kidding," Panchito said, being careful not to impale himself on the collection of medieval swords and maces that hung precariously on the wall.

Terry stood at the kitchen, washing some dirty dishes when he heard a car pull up. He looked back at the door.

"Oh shit, that's her," Terry said to the rooster, "you gotta hide."

Panchito laughed nervously, "Where, in the-"

Terry looked back at the fireplace.

Panchito back away slowly, "Oh no, not there, definitely not there."

The door slowly opened, and without a second thought, Terry grabbed the rooster, who was thrashing, trying his best to break free but it was no use, Terry put him in the fireplace.

Tina walked in the house. She appeared like a normal, non crazy, sane person with a decent job. She wore a white tank top with a blue sweater and khaki shorts along with her sneakers.

"Hello dear," she said sweetly to Terry, walking over and giving him a kiss, "how was your day?"

Terry laughed, "A living hell."

"Really?" Tina asked, "How so?"

Terry looked at the fireplace and said, "Oh, just ran over a rooster is all."

Tina walked into the kitchen.

"A rooster huh, did you bring him home, I want some chicken." She said as she grabbed a pot and other utensils.

"You could say that I already cooked him." Terry said, "He should be getting warmed up right about now."

Tina nodded and carried the pot into the living room, "That's nice." She said and opened the fireplace door.

Panchito was crunched up in the fireplace, trying his best not to make any noise or movement but to little avail. When Tina opened up the fireplace, he quickly got out and shook himself off.

"Gracias senora," he said, "allow me to introduce myself, my name is," she didn't let him finish, instead she hit him on the head with a pot, screaming like the woman afraid of a mouse- leaving Panchito unconscious.

"Terry," she said, "explain this." She pointed to Panchito with the pot.

"Oh that," Terry said, not really caring or paying any real attention, "he's a friend."

Tina nodded, "I want chicken now, can we have chicken?"

Terry nodded, "I'll start the preparations."