Disclaimer: I borrowed all this stuff from the awesome Charlaine Harris.
Chapter Two
I decided I wanted to sit outside on the porch swing, so I grabbed my old ugly afghan off the back of the couch and walked outside with my
glass in hand. I closed the door behind me and walked over to the swing and sat. I looked down at my bare feet, and couldn't resist picking my
left foot up to look at the bottom: clean, no cuts. I let my mind wander back on the details I could still remember about the nightmare. It was the
same as always, just a different setting. I'm always alone, at night, and afraid. Terrified is more like it. I set my foot back down on the weathered
boards of my porch and inhaled the cool night deeply. It felt good, and smelled good, too. I love country night air. I pulled my old afghan around
my shoulders and tucked my arms inside the layers around me. The only sound was a few crickets and the swing quietly moving back and forth. I
am enjoying the hell out of the fact that I'm able to sit outside like this at 12:30 at night, alone, in the middle of nowhere and not have reason to
fear I was being reckless by doing so. It had been quiet for some time now around Bon Temps. Nothing unusual was happening to me, or to
anyone else for that matter. It almost seemed boring, I surprised myself for thinking. But hey, boring was better than non-stop crazy, so I'll take
it. My foot moved the swing back and forth, relaxing me more and more as each minute went by. This was a good idea to come outside. It's so
peaceful out here. I could not have went back to sleep anyways. Ok, well, that was my last though. I was running out of things to mull over. I
looked down at my afghan by chance, and looked back out to the trees at the edge of the property. Then I looked back at my afghan. I looked
closely at the ugly pattern of mismatched colors. My next thought made my heart ache: Eric. I am such a moron. I had not called or visited Eric or
Pam in a couple of months now. He knows now everything that he wanted to know about what happened between us. He'd asked me if I would
have wanted himaround with me from now on. I ran, figuratively. I heard and saw myself like rewinding a movie in my head, telling him that I
liked the old Eric better, and saw the quick but telling twitch at the corner of his mouth. I knew that stung a bit for him to hear me say that. I just
didn't want to be what I knew I'd be to him: someone he "owned". I felt like an asset to him, for the most part. I knew he had feelings for me,
because he told me so. He'd told me when he was in his right mind again that he didn't like "having feelings for me". That was the last time he
expressed how he felt about me. An ache in my heart and more rewinding however, played back the morning I saw my driveway had been
beautifully regravelled after me mentioning it once to him the night before. The movie rewinded back to him helping me out when I needed him.
Something started bothering me about the whole thing, the more I thought about Eric, and me. I have always felt like Eric was expecting
something from me, and that I was "an asset" to him. I resented the thought of that being the nature of our relationship in his eyes. But a really
annoying, bright-ass lightbulb went off, and my heart ached and pulled at me again (it's very annoying when it does that). I only called Eric when
I needed something from him, and was always instantly annoyed and suspicious when he wanted to speak to me. The more I pondered my
behavior towards him and thought about my motives, the more I started feeling guilty. I have been thinking for some time now that he calls on me
when he wants something; I was the one who only called him when I needed something, though. The ache and pulling in my heart intensified and I
hated it. I have always been stubborn. I was a stubborn child, who had to put her hand on the stove before accepting that yes, indeed, it was
hot. It had to be my idea. I have always been stubborn. Why did I feel like I had to be in complete control of everything, that things had to be
my idea or no way in hell was I going along with it?? I didn't exactly want to be having a psychoanalytical conversation with myself out here
tonight, so I was going to have to ask mself those questions another time. But, they did need answering. I am pretty sure I shouldn't be such a
pig headed person sometimes. My mind came back to the present and the thought crossed my mind again about the nightmares I've been
having. I wondered just then whether the bad dreams had some meaning to them, and if they did, what? I remember reading about some of the
things I had experienced in these dreams: being lost, feeling like you're falling. What if, I was alone and scared in those dreams because the one
person who was always there for me, wasn't anymore? Wouldn't it suck if the song was true, "don't know what you've got 'till it's gone"? Just for a
moment denial tried to take over, but I didn't want to run from this right now. I'm safe, I'm alone, I can confront this. There's no pressure! So how
would I feel if he weren't there for me when I needed him, and isn't that shitty of me to only call him for favors? The first answer surprised me: I
would be sorry if he weren't there for me. I rely on him more than I realize, and the second answer is, yeah, that it is most definitely shitty of me to
be so selfish. It was also a huge double standard. I resented him for the same thing I was doing. Well, shit. Now what? I was always more of a
chicken shit when it comes to opening up to or trusting Eric with myself. Especially after seeing what vampire shit, I mean, politics could do to a
relationship with a vampire. They are loyal to those above them, and you fall by the wayside rather quickly. After all, we're just humans to them,
as cattle are to us. We serve a purpose, and that's it. But, when had Eric ever treated me like that? The answer came quick: never. Well, shit
again. I looked down at the afghan wrapped around me, and smiled at the vivid memory playing in my head of this same fabric wrapped around
Eric. Back to the heart pulling and aching again-I all of a sudden really really wanted to see him. I didn't want to come charging in to Fangtasia
like I owned the place and expecting him to be single and alone, just waiting there for me...but that sure is what I know I'm hoping for right
now. I didn't know much else, except that I hoped all of a sudden very badly that he was not preoccupied with anyone else, and that he was
there and available to talk.