Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or I Love Lucy, and I certainly do not claim to.
AN: Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch!
Okay, this is highly changed from the original episode because of the Cuba vs. Russia thing.
I Love Kitty
Episode Two:
Be a Pal
Kitty sat beside Piotr, eating breakfast. She is wearing curlers in her hair and pink pajamas with purple dragons all over them. Piotr is dressed in a nice suit. He is reading a newspaper and avoiding eating anything Kitty actually touched by eating grapefruit and drinking the coffee he made himself. "Like, more coffee, dear?"
Piotr didn't answer.
Kitty tried to eat the eggs she cooked earlier. They were really runny and burnt at the same time. They smelled oddly like soy sauce and lemonade. She took a bite and grimaced. She considered for a moment going vegan instead of vegetarian. She looked at the newspaper which hid her husband. "Piotr, more coffee?"
Piotr still didn't answer.
"Are, like, your eggs alright, dear?" she said. Piotr's eggs were untouched and glowing strangely.
He still didn't answer.
"Are your eggs…" she started to ask louder. Then, she gave up and started a conversation with herself. "How are your eggs, Kitty? Oh, they're totally fine, thank you. Would you, like, care for some more coffee? No thanks, I'm just fine. You're a wonderful cook. Oh, you really think so? Oh, thank you! Would you care for sugar in your coffee? Oh, thank you, don't mind if I do." She picked up the sugar bowl and put some in her coffee and stirred it. She continued to force the eggs down and pretend they tasted good. She turned to the newspaper and said, "You are back there, aren't you?"
Piotr still didn't answer.
Kitty glared at him. He didn't notice. She put a piece of toast into the toaster and pushed it down. Fortunately, there wasn't any butter or jam on it. She picked up the toaster and angled it at the newspaper. It popped up, burnt to a crisp, and flew over the paper. Piotr reached over and caught it. She slammed the toaster down and stood up. He didn't notice that, either. She walked out of the kitchen, phasing through the door. He still didn't notice. He took a bite of the toast and spit it out. There was a knock at the kitchen door.
"Answer it, dear," he said. The sound of knocking came again. He put the newspaper down and looked around the room. He frowned because Kitty wasn't there. He stood up and headed to the door. He opened it and Kitty walked in.
"Good Morning. Is the lady of the house in?" she asked.
"Katya!" he called, before he noticed that Kitty was standing beside him. "Vhat are you doing out there? The least you could do is stay here and have breakfast vith your husband in the morning."
Kitty glared. She had learned how from watching Anna. He didn't seem to notice her growing glaring skills. She didn't answer. She stomped to her seat and sat down.
Piotr started to follow her, but looked at his watch. "Oh, I only have ten minutes to get to rehearsal. Goodbye, honey, see you for dinner." He leaned over to kiss her. She was so mad that she stuck up her half of a grapefruit for him to kiss. He kissed it and left, still absorbed by the morning's paper.
Kitty couldn't stand another bite of the nasty eggs. She started to clear the table.
Anna decided to stop by at that moment and stuck her head in the window, "Mornin', Kit."
"Hello!" snapped Kitty.
Anna frowned. Kitty was normally perky. It took a lot to get Kitty mad. She knew because she'd tried. She walked in, wearing a robe. Kitty and Anna had become very close quickly. It wasn't unusual for either girl to stop by wearing pajamas in the morning. Anna poured herself some coffee she knew Piotr had made and looked in disgust at the breakfast Kitty had made. Kitty was not in the mood to be twitted about her cooking ability. "What's the matter, Anna? Aren't you hungry?" Her voice had a touch of venom to it.
"Someone rubbed the cat the wrong way this mornin'," Anna remarked, sipping her coffee. "You and Piotr have words?"
"We had words alright," Kitty growled as she cleaned the stove, "but they were, like, all mine! I'm, like totally, sick of eating breakfast opposite a newspaper."
Anna got a strange look on her face, "Does Piotr hide behind his newspaper in the mornin'?"
"Uh huh," Kitty said as she tried to dispose of the eggs properly. They were currently eating their way through the trash bag. She frowned and tried to shove them down the garbage disposal.
"Does he ignore ya and refuse ta answer questions?"
"Exactly!" Kitty said. She turned the water on and flipped the switch to the garbage disposal. It worked but Kitty was almost sure she heard a strange, high-pitched voice screaming as the eggs were torn to bits and flushed down the drain.
"Well, this is a case fer Dr. McCoy," Anna told her.
"Dr. McWho?"
"Dr. McCoy!" Anna told her. Remy had bought her his book last week in an attempt to make a subtle hint. Anna had gotten the hint, but she after she read the book, she had burned it and left it smoldering in a metal waste basket next to his bed. He had gotten the hint, as well. "He just wrote a book called How to Keep the Honeymoon from Ending." Anna had thought it was a good book, but a book designed to help her marriage would have to start at controlling her powers, and there was no books out there to help that.
"Is that a Book-of-the-Week selection?"
"Yup."
"We, like, have it." Kitty went back to cleaning.
"Well, y'all should read it." Anna went to Kitty's desk and found the book. The kitchen door was wide open so Kitty could still hear her.
"Why? What could Dr. McWho'sit, like, know about Piotr?"
"Ah'll show ya," Anna said. She opened the book to the first chapter and started to read. "Chapter One: When Love is on the Way. Often afteh the first years of marriage, the husband seems ta lose interest in the wife. He reads the paper at the breakfast table. He doesn't answer when ya talk ta him. In short, he doesn't seem ta know y'all're alive."
Kitty stopped washing dishes and was listening intensely. "I wonder where Dr. McCoy ever met Piotr."
"More than likely this condition is the fault of the wife," Anna read.
"What?" Kitty said, rushing into the living room. "That's, like totally, a bunch of nonsense!"
"Contrary ta what some wives might think, this is not a bunch of nonsense," Anna read on. Research shows that this condition starts when the wife becomes careless about her appearance. Let her ask herself these questions: Does she come to breakfast with her hair in curlers?" Kitty pulled one of her curlers out. "Is she sloppy in her attire?" Kitty looks down at her pajamas and tries to straighten them out. "Does she ferget ta make up her face?" Kitty placed her hand over her face, having not put her make-up on that morning. "Is the answer ta these questions 'yes'?" Kitty nodded. Anna read on, "Then it is time fer the wife ta do somethin' about it."
"What?" asked Kitty.
"Dress up fer yer husband at breakfast. Be glamorous and sophisticated. Make yerself so attractive he not only will pay attention ta ya durin' breakfast, he won't even want ta leave fer the office."
"I'll do it!" squealed Kitty. "Tomorrow morning I'll be simply dazzling!"
The next morning, Kitty walked into the kitchen in a pink sparkling gown. She had enough make-up on to be a lounge singer, and her hair was perfectly flawless. She looked gorgeous. She acted ridiculous. Piotr was already reading the paper. She waltzed over and got in front of the paper. "Good morning, Piotr, darling," she says in a sultry voice.
Piotr didn't notice.
Trying not to show her frustration, Kitty leaned against the table. "More coffee, Piotr, darling?"
Piotr didn't answer.
She sat on the table and leaned as close as she could to his ear. She whispered, "More sugar, dear? Cream?"
Piotr still didn't answer.
She got off the table and went behind him, getting as close as possible. "Jam on your toast, sweetheart?"
Piotr didn't answer again.
Kitty stomped her high-heeled foot. "I, like, want a divorce!"
Absently, Piotr said, "That is nice, dear."
Kitty's face turned red. She took a match and set his newspaper on fire. At first, he didn't notice. That is until the smoke covered the words he was trying to read. He jumped up. "Fire! Fire! Kitty! Fire!" He put the paper in the sink and turned the water on. Smoke rose from the sink. He turned it off and looked behind him. Kitty was standing there with her arms crossed and an angry expression on her face. "Vhat is matter vith you? Are you crazy or something?"
Kitty glared back. "Look at me!"
He leaned in close to look at her. "You do not look so good."
Kitty's jaw dropped. "What?"
"Let me see your tongue. Say 'ah'." Kitty followed his direction. "I think you should go and see a doctor."
Kitty pushed his hand away. "There's, like, nothing wrong with me!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm, like totally, sure!"
"Oh, thank goodness. Goodbye, sveetheart. I have got to go." He left.
Kitty wanted to cry. She followed him to the door, "But Piotr…" He had already left. "Oh, Anna and that stale book of hers!" She picked up her phone and dialed Anna's number.
In the meantime, Anna had come over. She came up behind her. "Hello."
"Hello, Anna. What're you doing?"
"Drinkin' coffee?" Anna said, holding a fresh cup of Piotr-made coffee.
"Well, come up here and, like, have coffee with me, would you?" Kitty asked the phone.
Anna raised her eyebrow. "What are y'all talkin' about, Kit?"
"I can't hear you, could you, like, talk into the phone?" Kitty's voice sounds forlorn.
Anna tapped a gloved finger against Kitty's bare shoulder. "What?"
"Oh, hi, Anna, I'll be with you in a minute. I have to go, Anna. Anna's here." She looked at the phone strangely as she hung it up. Then she screamed.
Anna looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "Ah've been here all along. Shesh, that is way too much pink, sug."
"I like pink," Kitty defended.
"How'd it go?" Anna asked. She lived vicariously through her friend's love life, not having one of her own since the big fight she'd had with Remy. She can't afford for Kitty's love life to fail.
"Terrible," Kitty said, taking off her high-heels.
"What happened?"
"Nothing! He, totally, didn't notice me," Kitty said with a sigh.
Anna frowned. "Oh, Ah'm sorry. Ah can't imagine why it didn't work. Well, let's see what Dr. McCoy has ta say."
Kitty looked skeptically at her friend. "Oh, like, forget that tired Dr. McCoy. What does he know? Be glamorous in the morning. Like totally, be sophisticated. This method cannot fail!" She laughed sarcastically.
Anna rolled her eyes, "Now, just wait a gall-darned minute. Let's take a look at Chapter Two. If the method in Chapter One fails…"
"And it, totally, did!" Kitty snapped.
Anna glared at her for interrupting, "If the method in Chapter One fails, y'all should next try the 'Be a Pal' system."
"The what?" Kitty asked, interested. Her pink gown sparkled in the light.
"Share yer husband's interests. Join in his hobbies. If he hunts, take up huntin'. If he fishes, take up fishin'. If he golfs, take up golfin'."
Kitty sighed, "Piotr plays poker. I'll, like, have to take up poking. Hey, Piotr's playing tonight, isn't he?"
"Yeah, with Remy and the boys down in our apartment."
"I'm going to join that game!" Kitty declared, sitting next to Anna on the couch.
"Atta girl," Anna agreed.
"Oh, wait a moment, I, like, don't know how to play poker."
"Oh, it's easy. Ah'll teach you," Anna said with a wave of her hand.
"In one afternoon?"
"Kitty, Ah married the Swamp Rat. He's the King of Poker. Of course, Ah can teach ya in one afternoon." Anna's eyebrow was raised.
"How do we start?"
"Well, it's a lot like Hearts, only ya bet, and there's no Old Maid," Anna said. Kitty gave her a look. "Just kiddin'. Let's get a deck."
Later the evening, Remy, Piotr, Johnny, and Victor sat around Anna and Remy's poker table. Remy has been winning, hands down. He just won another round.
"I think you're cheating," Victor growled.
"Homme, when you're t'is good, you don't have to cheat," Remy said with a smirk. He grabbed the chips and started stacking them.
"Why do we play with him again?" Johnny asked Piotr.
"He is my best friend," Piotr answered firmly.
Remy smirked again.
Just about that time, Kitty walked through the door, holding trick cards and dressed up like a poker dealer at a casino. She even had the green plastic hat. "Hey, fellas. Hiya, Johnny! Hiya, Victor!" She smacked her gum loudly and played with the trick cards. Piotr, Remy, Johnny, and Victor all looked at her like she'd lost her mind.
"Kitty, vhat is going on?"
"Well, I, like, thought I'd join the game, if you guys don't mind."
Piotr raised an eyebrow, "Look, Katya, ve vould love to play vith you, but you do not to know how to play poker."
"Ah, sure I do! Anna taught me this afternoon!" whined Kitty.
Remy shook his head. Anna was good at poker, but he didn't think anyone could learn all of her tricks in one afternoon.
"I'll just sit right in here," she said. She grabbed a chair and stuck it right in between Piotr and Remy. "Would you guys, like, mind scooting over a bit?"
Piotr looked at Victor and Johnny. "Do you guys mind?"
"Nah," Johnny said. He scooted over.
"I guess not," Victor grumbled.
"Good!" Kitty squealed. "Like, let's get started!"
Remy decided there was no use in arguing if Anna was behind this. "Go on and deal t'e cards, Johnny."
"Oh, alright," Johnny said. He dealt the cards.
Kitty sat smacking her gum. "I don't have any of those little round things."
Piotr glared for a moment, but gave her some of his. "Here, honey, I vill finance you."
Kitty grinned. For a moment, Piotr felt like he couldn't breathe. Then, he got back into the game. "Oh, is this money? Ooo…" She picked up the chips and let them fall on the table, scattering everywhere. Piotr rolled his Russian eyes and picked them up for her. Piotr looked at the guys with apology in his eyes. Kitty picked up her first card. "Ooo, a queen." She picked up her second card. "There's her sister!"
Piotr sighed, "Sveetheart, you are not to be telling us your cards."
"Oh, it's, like, a secret?"
"Da, da, a secret," he said.
Remy laughed.
Kitty grinned at him, "What'd you get, Remy? What'd you get?"
"Well, Remy shouldn't talk, but you can tell your twins not to wait for t'eir triplet."
Kitty laughed with him. Piotr wanted to sink into the floor. Victor groaned. "I'll open for two." He placed two chips onto the table.
"I am in," Piotr responded by placing two chips on the table.
Kitty sat there looking at her cards. Remy coughed. She looked at him in confusion. Piotr sighed. "Honey, if you vant to stay in the pot, you have to be putting in two chips."
"Oh!" She put them in.
Remy and Johnny soon followed without comment.
Johnny started the round of collecting cards. Victor and Piotr both took two. Remy coughed at Kitty again. "How many cards you vant, Kitty?" Piotr asked her.
"Oh, I get more?" Kitty asked.
"Katya, you have to get rid of vorst cards in order to get new vones," Piotr explained.
"Oh," Kitty looked at her cards, contemplating. Remy coughed again. She glared at him. "I'm, like totally, thinking! I can't decide whether to get rid of my two queens or my three kings." Remy, Victor, and Johnny threw their cards down. Piotr sat his down after them. Remy shoved the ten chips to her pile. "What're you doing that for?"
"Because as much as ve hate to admit it, you von," Piotr said.
"I did!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "Hey, this is fun!" She laughed. Piotr normally liked Kitty's laugh, but not when he was being humiliated by her.
Piotr set the deck in front of Victor. "You deal, Victor."
Kitty grabbed the deck. "I think I'll deal, guys!" She started flipping the cards around the table. Half of them were landing face up. Piotr's face turned red. "I'll fix it!" Kitty said, pushing the cards this way and that. The guys helped her. She finally got her cards sorted out. "Everybody got their cards?" Remy opened. Everyone put in two chips around the table until it got to Kitty again. Remy coughed at her again. She glared at him. "Oh!" She put in her two chips.
"Cards, dear," Piotr reminded her.
"Oh!" She picked up the deck and held them to him.
"No, the other vay around, dear."
She held them to Remy. "Remy's fine."
"You look tired," Kitty said.
"Remy tired of t'is game," he muttered under his breath.
Johnny heard him and laughed. "Two."
Kitty gave him two cards and held them toward Victor. Victor took two as well. She held them toward Piotr again. "Three for me, please." Kitty gave him three and decided she wanted three as well. She set three cards on her hand and then picked through it to find the best hand. The guys all glared at Piotr. Piotr turned red again. He mouthed, "Sorry."
When Kitty was done breaking the rules, she coughed at Remy. He bet three chips. Johnny, Victor, and Piotr folded. Kitty tried to see Remy's cards, but he turned them away. "How 'bout you, Peepin' Tom?"
Kitty giggled nervously because she'd been caught. "Oh." She put in five chips. "I'll put in five."
"Remy'll see your raise and raise you two."
"I'll, like, see your raise and raise you two."
Anna peeked through the door to see how it was going. She grinned to see Remy and Kitty betting back and forth. She ducked out merrily.
Kitty was about to place another bet when she stopped and said, "Piotr, run over it for me, will you?"
"Run over vhat?"
"You know, what beats what?" Kitty asked.
Piotr put his head in his hand. "Two pairs beat a pair."
Kitty looked at her cards thoughtfully. "Uh huh, go on."
"Three of a kind beats two pair," Piotr said sullenly.
Kitty counted her cards, "Go on."
"A straight beat three of a kind," Piotr and Remy said together.
"Uh huh, go on," Kitty said with a grin.
"A flush beats a straight," the two men told her.
"Go on."
"A full house beats a flush," all four men said.
"Go on," she said.
"Four of a kind beats a full house," the men all say.
"That's the one!" she squealed.
Remy threw his cards down, careful not to charge them. He pointed to the chip pile, "T'ere all yours."
"Oh, yay!" She pulled all the chips to her.
"Honey?" Piotr asked. "Just out of curiosity, vhat vere your four of a kind?"
"What? I didn't have a four of a kind. I had a pair. See?" She held up the offending two cards.
"Kitty, this is a nine, and this is a six," Piotr tells her.
She laughed. "Oh, you're, totally, right. Isn't that funny, Remy. I beat you and I didn't even have a pair!"
Remy's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, Kitty, real funny."
The next day, after Breakfast, Anna stopped by to see how things went. She opened the book to Chapter Three. Kitty is back in her pink pajamas with purple dragons on them and curlers in her hair. Kitty whines, "Oh forget that book, will you? As far as I'm concerned Dr. McCoy can go jump off a cliff. This morning, Piotr didn't even speak to me."
Anna rolled her eyes. "He hasn't been speakin' ta y'all in the mornin' fer weeks."
"Well, it was, like, the way he didn't speak to me this morning."
"And Dr. McCoy knows why. Chapter Three. One thing ta remembeh about the 'Be a Pal' system in Chapter Two is if ya play games with yer husband, be sure not ta win."
"Oh dear," Kitty said.
"Oh, Kit, ya didn't!"
"Well…"
"Kitty, even Ah know that! Ah neveh beat Remy in front of his friends," Anna told her.
"Sheesh. What else does the stupid book say?"
Anna began to read again, "If methods One and Two have failed, there is one last desperate measure. Ah suggest that the wife become a motheh."
"I suggest he mind his own business!" Kitty exclaimed.
"Now, let me finish," Anna said as she wagged her finger in Kitty's face. "Most men marry a woman that reminds them of their mother."
"Is that why Remy married you?" Kitty says bitingly.
Anna shrugged. "Remy neveh had a motheh. Ah guess that could be it. Ah mean, why else marry a gal ya can't touch?"
Kitty considered this for a moment. "Okay, go on."
"This is because most men have happy memories of their carefree childhood." Anna laughed at that. Remy had a horrible childhood. He wouldn't want to relive it for anything. She read on. "So motheh yer husband. Baby him."
Kitty thought about it. "Treat Piotr like a baby?" He was very big compared to her. It seemed a little out of the question. She looked at the napkin and tried to fold it like a diaper.
Anna kept reading, "…and surround him with thin's that remind him of his boyhood."
Kitty declared, "I, like, don't think I know how to fold one of these things."
Anna looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "Kit, Ah don't think that's what he meant. Ya know, Ah wouldn't be surprised if yer whole trouble is Piotr misses Russia."
Kitty put the napkin down, embarrassed at her mistake. "Oh, you, like, think so?"
Anna nodded. "Y'all should fix this place up so it reminds him of his happy childhood in Russia."
"What do you want me to do, go buy a snow cone machine?" Kitty asked.
"Y'all'll have ta be more drastic than that," Anna said. "This time, ya really gotta shock him."
"You're right!" Kitty declared. "This time he'll notice me or I'll know the reason why! What can we do?"
"Well, what do ya know about his childhood, sugah?" Anna asked.
"Not too much. All I know is, like, his mother was a singer, and it was really cold."
"Perfect!" Anna said.
"How is that perfect? I can't sing at all! I sound like a bull moose pulling his foot out of the mud!" Kitty told her.
"So what, ya've got an mp3 player and speakers, haven't ya?" Kitty nodded. "We'll download a song, and Ah'll play it here in the kitchen while y'all pretend ta…"
"While I, like, pretend to…" Kitty got the idea.
"That's it!" Anna said.
Kitty squealed with delight and giggled.
When Piotr came home that night, he wondered if he was in the right house. The entire living room was covered in white flakes. It wasn't snow, but it looked like it. It was very cold as well. The whole place was decorated like a stereotyped Russian house, down to the little nesting dolls on the shelf. There was a yak eating the curtains. Piotr stared into the yak's eyes. "Uh, Kitty?"
He saw a Russian Princess and figured it must be Kitty. He grabbed it, but it fell over. It was a manikin. He spied another one and went to knock it over, too, but it screamed. The manikin turned around. She was wearing a beautiful fur coat with a blond wig and a nice fur hat. Her hands were in a muff. Her green eyes looked out at him. Piotr asked Anna, "Vhere is my apartment?"
"This is it," Anna tries a Russian accent. "Your Mama vill to be here soon." She rushes off to start the music.
Piotr was shocked. He wondered why Anna was wearing a blond wig and why his apartment looked like the stage of a bad comedy show. Kitty came out, dressed in an outfit similar to Anna's, only with a lot more pink and glitter. She was also wearing a blond wig. She started to lip sing the Russian melody that was playing. Piotr could do nothing but stare at her as she danced gracefully around the frozen room. She looked like she belonged in a snow globe. It was a beautiful dance. He thought she must have gone crazy.
At the end of the song, Kitty asked in a fake Russian accent, "How are you, comrade? How do you like the dacha?" (1)
Piotr didn't know how to respond. "Katya, have you lost your mind? Vhat is all of this?"
"Ve make everything nice for you like vhen you vere a little boy in Russia. You like?"
Piotr's jaw dropped. "No, I do not."
"Oh, you do not?"
"No, I do not. Katya, vill you please explain the meaning of all of these?" He pointed out the strange condition of his living room.
Kitty gave up her Russian accent. "I thought you were, like, getting tired of me. So I thought if our home reminded you of Russia, you might like me a little better."
"Oh, Katya, darling. If I vanted things Russian, I have stayed in Moscow. That is vone reason I marry you. You are so different from everyone I know in Mother Russia."
"Like, really?" She looked at him and smiled.
"Really," he said. He hugged her to him and kissed her.
AN: (1) A dacha is what people call a Russian country house.
Ok, the main reason I wrote this chapter so quickly is because I left off the disclaimer for the last chapter. So, I just wanted to say that I did not own X-Men: Evolution or I Love Lucy when I posted the first chapter, either!
Um, I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. It really is fun to write this little thing.