I suddenly had a boost of love toward Kushina, so. Enjoy!
This chapter is about grief, about loneliness and the crushing sense of hopelessness and bitterness. I want to show how Kushina must be lonely living in Konoha before Minato (honestly, though, Kishimoto? Really?) and how that must've affected her mental health badly. This won't delve deep into her mental health just yet, so you can think of this as a sneak peek, haha.
Also, the canon divergence starts from this chapter!
Enjoy reading!
Chapter 2: Loneliness
Mito-sama is gone.
Mito-sama is gone and the Kyuubi is now inside her.
The only Uzumaki left she knew of, the only person who looks at her with genuine warmth and love, the one who gives her the feeling of home, gone.
She has no one now.
No one.
The thought crashes into her like a dam of cold water, and if she's ever felt lonely before, now she knows with glaring clarity that she's truly, utterly, alone right now.
And so, she grieves.
Kushina grieves, cries silently to her bed, clings to Mito-sama's warm blanket that smells a little bit like the old woman she is, and hopes, hopes, that she won't be alone after this. That there will be someone, anyone, than can be with her.
Not to replace Mito-sama, not ever.
But rather to fill the hole in her heart that has appeared since Uzushio's ruin, and gotten bigger since Mito-sama's death. To fill her days and to distract her from the constant rejection she seems to have in every corner of Konoha because she's an outsider. To have someone who she can call as home.
To have someone to love and cherish—
And one to do so in return.
(But she doesn't have anybody).
(Not anymore).
(I'm so lonely, she thinks to herself. I'm so lonely and pathetic, and I hate it).
.
.
.
Mommy, she calls in her mind late at night when she's unable to sleep. When the stifling silence is too much and the loneliness and burden too much, too heavy on her shoulders and she's tired, so tired of it all and she just wants to run—she wants to run and hide and sleep for a week—
But Uzumaki doesn't run away. Uzumaki fights and fights for their family and home and continues on going even if it kills them in the end (even if it destroys their own village in the end).
And because she's an Uzumaki, she won't run.
(She wants to run).
Mommy, she thinks as she cries silently to her pillow. Mommy, I'm so lonely. There's no one here for me and I'm so lonely, it hurts.
I miss you Ma. I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
Please let me go with you.
Please take me with you.
I can't handle this anymore.
I wanna go home.
.
.
.
They don't allow her to live in Mito-sama's residence.
Mito-sama lived in the Senju Compound, and they refused her presence now that Mito-sama is gone.
She's not Senju, they said. She only lived there temporarily because Mito-sama asked for it. Mito-sama is gone now, so they can kick her out of the Senju Compound just fine, the heathens.
And now—They give her an apartment, small and barren, empty of the homey feeling the Senju Compound had with Mito-sama lingering presence despite her death.
Tsunade isn't here to ask for her residence in the Compound, even if she could've requested for Kushina's continued residence in the compound and the council will probably follow her request. But Tsunade's not here. Too busy fighting in the war, that one. And Kushina is too bitter to think that Tsunade will even try doing so.
(Are we even family? She thinks bitterly. They're supposed to be; but she wonders, really, if Tsunade ever really considers Uzumaki as family bar her grandmother. She wonders if Tsunade ever really sees Kushina as family, as something worth protecting and loving for).
(Tsunade is lonely, Mito-sama used to say, lonely and sad, sometimes. I'm glad she's met Dan).
(But I'm lonely too, Kushina wanted to say, wants to say. I'm lonely too; am I supposed to find a boyfriend to stop being lonely too?)
(She stops that thought immediately; because it's unfair. Tsunade has found a way to make her happy, and—and Kushina is happy for her, really! She's seen glimpses of the two together and they're good for each other. But, but—)
(But I'm lonely too).
(I'm lonely).
.
.
.
.
She sometimes wonders if they even try to make her loyal at all. Wonders if Konoha ever really sees her as an asset worth protecting and caring for, worth to be trained to be a good shinobi. Because she's the last Uzumaki, the person who is holding the Kyuubi. The person whose hometown got razed to the ground because Konoha was too slow to help her own sister village.
It'll be easy for her to turn against this place that doesn't seem to wish to have her in it, to run away and live as a hermit while arguing with the grumpy old fox all day.
It'll be easy to be an enemy of Konoha, to rain down her anger and grief and hatred over the things taken from her by Konoha's hands or influence—it's so easy.
It'll be easy, but even despite her grief, Kushina never likes the easy way out.
(Because she's an Uzumaki).
She knows she'll stay here, in this small place, that she'll try to make it her home. She just needs to adapt to this place without Mito-sama, is all.
That's all, really.
Kushina is bitter, tired, and very very done with everything, that she just laughs.
She laughs, laughs and laughs even when tears streak down her cheeks like waterfall, cushioning herself on the bed.
She misses Mito-sama, she misses her smiles, her sealing lessons, her strict demeanor and badassery hidden under that old face of hers. Misses her sarcasm and the steel hidden soft smiles, the brain and utter brilliance she possesses.
She misses her papa. His loud cackle and hair ruffles, the easy way he leaned on her whenever he teased her, his lessons and his smile. She misses her mama, her cooking and sharp smiles, the fluidity whenever she moved, the deadly glint hidden behind soft purple eyes. Missed her hugs and kisses and lullabies, the times when her mother would cuddle her on bed and tell her many stories and lores of Uzushio.
She misses tricky Konohana and dumb Yosuke, misses the uncles and aunties and friends and relatives in Uzushio, misses the smell of the sea that surrounded Uzushio, the red and orange and yellow around the village, the ugly fountain near Uzushio's main house, the large library that stored secrets upon secrets of Uzumaki and its sister clans—
She misses home.
She misses home so much.
She wants to go home.
Can't she just go home?
(But where is home?)
(There is no home, a voice answers).
(Kushina stays quiet).
.
.
(She agrees).
(There is no home for her anymore).
.
.
(The voice laughs).
.
.
.
.
.
.
Her wards are too weak, she thinks. Not as strong and as complex as Mito-sama's design. Not yet. She hasn't learned enough. Her progress is steady yet slower compared to when she was still under Mito-sama's care. She's not a seal master just yet. She's not.
Her wards are weak.
It's weak enough to allow Kumo-nin to break through and catch her off guard. To take her away and probably ship her off to a dungeon somewhere, who knows. She hasn't read up about torture and interrogation. She doesn't know if that's what Kumo wants to do with her. She doesn't even know how Kumo manages to even find her.
(Though what does it say about Konoha's security, to allow Kumo-nin to even sneak and break through her wards?)
(What does it say about Konoha's thoughts about their "valued" jinchuuriki and their effort to keep their greatest weapon in, that a Kumo-nin is able to take her away so easily?)
(Is she even worth anything to Konoha at all?)
(…..)
(She knows the answer).
Now she's on her way to her death, probably, or maybe to slavery, by these Kumo-nin. Forced to work and possibly kill herself for the sake of their village.
(Isn't that what Konoha makes you do? A sinister voice says to her. Isn't it just the same?)
(She closes her eyes briefly to suppress that presence).
(…She agrees).
(The presence laughs).
.
.
She's going to die. If not now, then someday, when they're tired of using her (like Konoha is using her) and when she's of no use. She's going to be miserable, she is certain.
Still, Konoha is better than Kumo, she thinks. And so she hopes that someone will think she's worthy enough to look for, to find and rescue. She has given clues with her hair, but she's not sure anyone will notice.
It's a dumb ass hair anyway.
(She's not important for them anyway.
She's just an outsider.
Nobody will notice.
Nobody will notice her missing.
Heck, they will probably be happy that she's go—
…She closes her eyes again. That voice is really annoying whenever she's stressed).
People had told her that she's an outsider, so she can't be a famous ninja in Konoha.
People told her that because of that reason as well, there's no way she can become Hokage.
People told her that because she's a girl, she can't be that strong.
People told her—
People—
(I hate people, the voice says.)
...Kushina agrees.
She hates people sometimes.
(Kill them all).
Maybe she should. She doesn't want to be taken to Kumo after all. That place has got to suck somehow. Konoha sucks enough for not being similar to Uzushio. Kumo's suckiness must reach a level far beyond Konoha.
(Use me, let me free, I'll kill them for you. You'll be free, then).
Kushina purses her lips.
She wants to be free.
She wants to go back to her bed and just forget all of this kidnapping ever happening in the first place. She wants to sleep for a week and wake up without any burden left on her shoulders. She wants to be free.
But she won't allow leverage for the Kyuubi. She honors Mito-sama enough for that. And who is to say that the Kyuubi won't kill her if she were to let it free?
If her hands are more free, she can use seals or attempt a jutsu, but they're bound.
They've drained her of chakra. But she's an Uzumaki. She knows how to undo the seal on her cuffs, and she still has enough chakra despite how it's drained (she's just tired. Too tired to even bother fighting back but—but it's been over 30 minutes and she's losing hope of any chuunin or jounin finding her and she wants to laugh. Because really, why did she even hope? Nobody cares about her. She's the one who has to fight. She has to fight for herself) and although releasing the seal will obviously alert the Kumo-nin, she has another thing she can do in the swift second she will get after it.
(The only thing she can do is—)
Her eyes drift, looking from the ninja to her right, her left, her front and from what she knows, her behind. Chewing her bottom lip, she allows herself to relax, and then—
(Kill them all).
A burst of chakra, the seal is undone and chains appear from her back, slamming onto the shinobi around her. One manages to obtain a hole in his chest, and Kushina chokes back her instinctive urge to gag at the sight and focuses more on her need to escape.
A shinobi curses and snarls at her. Kushina tries to stab his nose.
She lets out a battle cry, twisting her body to allow the chains to slam onto more of the offending shinobi around her. It's primal instinct right now. She barely has enough training to fight these older men, but with chakra chains she has enough leverage, she can fight back. She can, dammit! A jerk of her shoulder allows her chain to stab another person and—
And there's a boy, stabbing the Kumo-nin's eye.
Kushina's eyes widen.
It's the sissy-looking blond.
XXX
I don't really like the term sissy, but in canon that is Kushina's first impression of Minato, so. Anyway, canon divergence starts here so! I hope you're as excited for the next chapter as I am dhjkhfdjk iM ACTUALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF MIDTERMS WHAT AM I DOING
Also, this is a bit embarrassing but I'm going to do some promos + asking for help.
As of currently, I'm facing a bit of an economic stress. As in, I'm having problems with money. I can't pay for my college fees + food + basic necessities and my rent is due in 2 months and I don't have any money :( My parents are currently focusing their attention on my little brother who is going to finish high school this march and enter university (i support their decision, so please don't hate on my parents for not giving me money. My little brother is important and I love him and I want him to finish high school and continue his education even if that means my parents overlook me a little bit). That doesn't mean I'm not suffering though;;; This year is hectic with uni and non-profit organizational duties so I can't manage to look for a part time job.
Therefore if you're willing to help me, please donate to my (pay)pal :')) the email is natanije (gmail). Or buy me some ko-fi at this link (A6521FMQ)! Please, even a dollar would do. It would help me a lot;;; thank you so much for reading this dsksh if you decide to help, thank you.
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Thank you for reading this! Review please!