And Go Home to My Lord and Be Free

"That was a ship of the Irken armada – there's no questioning it," Zim thought aloud back in his "home". From this house – or, more accurately, this secret base – Zim had often dreamed up nefarious schemes and plans to exterminate the humans. Today he was more concerned with the mysterious spaceship.

He remembered Dib's exact words as soon as it disappeared: "Let me guess. Nobody saw that other than us, right?"

His words weren't very helpful at the moment.

Zim's PAK hadn't stopped vibrating since the spaceship landing. Of course Zim knew what this was supposed to mean – the Sacred Creator was searching for a mate. Much as he tried to deny it, he knew that, of all the Invaders in the Irken Empire, only three had ever been on earth. One of those three, Tak, was now floating around in some deep vacuum of space, probably playing mah-jongg with her SIR unit.

Zim's own SIR unit, Gir, was currently rolling around on the couch in his green dog costume. Most SIR units were robotic slaves of their Invader masters. Gir, however, had a brain made of a few coins and bubblegum, making him either severely insane or very naïve. Whichever the case, Gir was not your obedient robot slave. Gir's idea of obeying his master was giving Zim a gigantic hug, which would be nice if Zim was lonely or sad. It had no practical application during this crisis.

"Ooh! Sacred Creator!" Gir giggled. "Wahooo! Creating stuff!"

"Gir, this is no time for levity!" Zim bellowed. "If that Smeet-making… thing… comes after me, she'll kill me!"

"Is she pretty?!" Gir screeched. "I like pretty things!"

Zim didn't answer. There were many rumors as to how this fiendish black widow looked. Some said she was a stunning beauty. Other called her inconspicuous. Being second in power to the Tallest, one thing was certain – she was an Irken goddess.

"Maybe she's after Skoodge," Zim concluded. "That's it. I'll just let her… kill… Skoodge…"

Zim trailed off. "No, that wouldn't be good, either."

"Is her head big?!" Gir cried out happily.

"Maybe it's Gir," Zim whispered to himself. "…How would that… work?"

"It doesn't matter, because I'm not after your stupid green dog."

Zim breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, mysterious Irken female. I was starting to…"

Zim blinked before whirling around. In his doorway was a tall Irken shrew, with piercing magenta eyes, purple baubles on her antennae, and a very dangerous-looking bow and arrow.

"It's you!" Zim screamed.

"Who?" Gir wondered.

A snore came from down in the basement. Skoodge was sleeping.

The Sacred Creator loomed over Zim. "You're shorter than I expected. Why is your compatibility rate 95 if you're so short?"

Zim blanched. "Compatibility rate?!" He trudged backward awkwardly. "So you really are her!"

The Sacred Creator smiled, holding out her hand. "Nin. Nice to meet you, Zim."

Zim looked down at Nin's hand. He was about to shake it when he noticed a pulsing blue spark streak across her palm. Zim recoiled quickly.

"Why do you have a toxin glove?!" Zim yelled, walking backwards at a brisk pace. Nin, angered, followed him, her wide strides closing the distance between the two. Zim yelped, tripping over his own feet. He laid sprawled on the floor, frozen in terror, as Nin caught up to him. She leaned over, looking directly into Zim's terrified eyes.

"I have one because I can," Nin answered before roughly kicking Zim across the room, sending him flying into the wall. Gir watched this with some sort of detached awe.

Zim's eyes flittered open quickly – just in time for him to notice that Nin was directly on top of him. Taking a page from her book, Zim kicked Nin in the stomach. She didn't hit a wall, but at least Zim had time to grab Gir and jump down the toilet in his kitchen. The toilet deposited them into the making stuff room. Usually Zim liked the making stuff room, but now he needed something – anything – to defend himself…

Zim looked to a pile of rubber piggies. He was doomed.

Gir began to play with the rubber pigs when a loud crack emitted from the ceiling above them. Zim shuttered.

"Why won't you play with Nin?" Gir wondered.

"…Because," Zim whimpered, locking himself into a cabinet of some sort, "if she did… play with me, in your words, afterwards she would kill me."

"Yaay!" Gir squealed.

"That's bad, Gir," Zim groaned, turning a key. He jiggled around inside the cabinet for a few seconds before realizing that he was locked in. Good.

A loud thud echoed within the confines of the making stuff room. Zim pressed a button on the side of the cabinet, making a video screen of the outside world (or the making stuff room) pop up before him. Nin had landed on her rear after falling down the toilet, and was now looking around confusedly.

Zim's lip quivered. No matter how ultimately terrifying she was, Nin was actually kind of cute. When she wasn't trying to have your babies and/or kill you.

Nin got up, looking down at Gir, who was still in his green dog outfit.

"Weird green dog," Nin mused. She paused for a few seconds. "…10 compatibility. At least I won't have to bother with you."

Zim did not want to know.

Gir looked up at Nin, holding out a pink pig and grinning like a maniac. "I GOTS A PIGGIE!"

"I can see that," Nin answered emotionlessly.

"WANNA GO TO A PENNY ARCADE?!" Gir asked enthusiastically.

"Not really," Nin responded.

"Why are you so tall?!" Gir screeched. "My master's not tall! So why are you tall?!"

Zim quivered violently. Gir had mentioned him. If Nin got a hold of Gir's SIR files, it would only be a matter of time before she found his hiding place.

"…Master?" Nin questioned.

"Yay Irk lady! Woohoo!" Gir screamed, running around in a circle. "My master and pretty Irk lady, trying to blow each others' brains out! Yay brains!"

Nin's eye twitched. Without warning, she grabbed Gir by the head and yanked him up to her level.

"Look, you saucer-eyed moron, I have no time for your mind games," Nin said briskly. "Tell me where - !!"

Something beneath the dog's skin was glowing red. Nin recoiled in horror as Gir kicked her hand and fell to the ground. Gir shed his dog suit, revealing his status as a SIR unit.

"SIR unit?!" Nin gasped.

Zim had to admit that Nin was acting like an idiot.

Gir's eyes glowed red, and his metallic casing was shining in the crimson light. He made a defensive pose as a missile launcher poked out of the top of his head and aimed itself at Nin's head.

Nin stared at the barrel of this missile launcher for about five seconds. Then, with a frantic snap, she disappeared.

Gir looked around suspiciously, the missile launcher poised to kill above his head. Without warning, Gir's eyes turned a warm cyan color and the missile launcher disappeared. He ran around skipping again.

Zim kicked his way out of the cabinet. "What was that all about?" Zim frowned. "She was scared of Gir's missiles. That's odd."

Gir began to press some harmless buttons on the side of the wall. Zim put them there just so Gir would have something to do in the making stuff room.

"But… she had a toxin glove," Zim murmured, a chill running down his spine. His PAK rattled before calming down, returning to its normal, non-vibrating state. "If she had touched me with that thing, I would have been put under her spell…"

"Yay!" Gir cooed.

"I don't think you get it, honestly," Zim frowned. "That's NOT GOOD, Gir. That's bad. Very bad."
"Spells are good," Gir smiled. "Like fairies and cupcakes and underwear!"

Zim turned away from Gir's reverie, reviewing the video of the altercation that the computer had recorded. "…Thank God she didn't activate the Plug."

"Plug?" Gir murmured, his eyes turning red. "Master, what is this Plug?"

Zim blinked. Seeing Gir get protective of him was always a kick, because, if possible, he was even more lovable that way. Zim smiled before returning to the topic.

"The Plug is a terrible device," Zim explained as Gir's eyes slowly went from red to cyan. "It's the Irken reproductive organ, and…" Zim trembled. "It's too gross, I'm sorry."

"That's okey-dokey!" Gir grinned wildly, hugging Zim. Zim cocked his head slightly before shrugging.

"Who knows? Maybe Nin will leave us alone now."

Zim thought about his previous statement.

"Probably not, though."

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Invader Zim. Woo-hoo… (throws party for herself)

A/N: I just want to thank everyone who reviewed. It is honestly very unusual for me to get a ton of reviews for a chapter. The most reviews I've ever gotten for a first chapter (not counting one-shots) was about 11, for Coming to America! (my psychotic Naruto fic) And I honestly thought the plot would be off-putting to most people, so my summary kind of sucks.

A/N 2: It's good to know that JTHM won't be a movie. There are just some things you don't make into movies. I wish that Eli Roth had known that before making Hostel II… (shutters at bad memories)