"So all you have to do is hit that Dice Block over your head and you will auto matically be moved the corresponding number of spaces," Toad finished explaining. "Now do you UNDERSTAND ME, WARIO?"
"HUH? WHAT? WHATS GOING ON?" the big buffoon bolted out of his boredom-induced sleep as Toad's face approached his. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU—?"
"WARIO!" DK shouted, his gargantuan hands over his ears. "It's okay, it's only Toad."
"OH – well then, maybe you should give a speech that won't BORE ME TO DEATH!" Wario shouted after his heart rate had returned to normal and his adrenaline rush had subsided. "Geez, what are you—?"
"Wario," DK said, "I suggest you shut your mouth and take your turn."
"Or what?"
"Just trust me, you don't want to know what."
"Okay, okay," Wario said, hitting the Dice Block above his head.
The group had been warped to a board by the name of Luigi's Engine Room for their first go at the new game. The board was located – as the name suggested – in an engine room. Fences adorned with spikes littered the board, some hidden and some forming walls across the paths of the board. At the back, a gargantuan steam engine lay dormant and half-covered in cobwebs. Warp Pipes linked the ends of several of the paths to the Start, and enough loose wires and stray parts called the walls, ceiling, and floor next to the paths home to build an entire second Luigi's Engine Room.
The first couple of turns went rather smoothly. DK and Luigi watched from the sidelines as Mario paid five coins to switch which fences were hidden and which were exposed, and Yoshi bought the first Star of the game. Just five seconds later, however, Wario managed to reach Boo and steal the Star. And as he laughed that evil, maniacal laugh of his and ended his turn, the Princess found the board's Bowser machine and left some thirty-five Coins in the red. One minigame later, and Wario was fifteen more Coins in the black while the others were minus five Coins apiece.
It was then, however, that the loud bang tore through the board, and everyone froze in their tracks. Peach was staring the Bowser machine in its metallic face even though she was three spaces beyond it; Mario stopped even though he was just short of the Star and he had more than enough spaces to pass it; Wario had fallen asleep again but was jolted awake; and Yoshi was concentrating so hard on planning a next move for every possible dice roll, he leaped into the air and cleared the fence behind him.
"What the heck was that?" DK and Luigi chorused from the sidelines.
"If I knew I'd tell ya…" Toad replied, then hesitated for a moment before saying quickly: "Okay, guys, let's just ignore this and continue, shall we?" Everyone agreed, and Mario continued with his turn and bought the Star. Yoshi managed to advance a grand total of…two spaces. Wario's turn earned him a trip through the Warp Pipe and ten Coins from Koopa, and Peach received her share of profits from a hidden block which revealed Boo.
Then all at once a second loud whoomp shook the board, knocking Wario off his feet and sending Yoshi stumbling into a nearby wall. Mario managed to stay upright and Peach found a wall and stayed against it.
"Okay, Toad, I don't think we can ignore that one," Luigi said. "Let's go check it out." With that everyone ran back to the Warp Pipe at the start, leaving Boo and Koopa in a state of stupor.
"Wait – don't you guys want some Coins?" Koopa asked from his place near the start.
"Wario's got a Star ripe for the stealing!" Boo shouted from across the board as the group filed into a Warp Pipe for the trip back to town.
They arrived to find the place a wreck.
Frog's hut had fallen off of its stilts and now hung over the banks of the stream; the Mushroom Shop had lost its front door and some of the shingles from Frigate's Minigame House littered her front lawn; the bridge had vanished; the raft was likely a mile downstream; and a set of gargantuan tracks linked the Mushroom Bank and warp pipe.
For a while no one spoke. A heavy silence hung over the empty town as the group stood gawking at the wreckage. The trees surrounding the town swayed slightly back and forth in the gusts of wind; one of the more violent gusts picked up several more shingles from Frigate's roof and landed them atop Frog's. A shutter on the Mushroom Shop swung to and fro with the breeze.
What seemed like hours passed before someone dared to speak.
"WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE?" Toad screamed.
"Why the heck are you asking me?" Wario demanded. "Ask Luigi – he probably knows!"
"I was watching you guys the entire time, you pernicious porcine pig!" Luigi shot back. "And if you refuse to believe me the proof can be obtained from security cameras throughout the board!"
"What the heck – you know what, I ain't even gonna ask. You'll just confuse me with your endless explanation."
"Let's check out the bank," Mario suggested. "It seems like the center of the dam age and it's where the tracks lead from."
Chernobyl awaited the group at the Mushroom Bank. The place had virtually survived an atomic bomb. The bank tellers were nowhere to be seen. The board displaying Coin and Star totals had followed the tellers out the door and out of existence. The Item Safe had been wrenched to the ground and the suspension cables which had once tethered it to the ceiling now fluttered about in the breeze. The door of the safe was wide open, bent, and hanging on one hinge. The safe had been gutted of its interior shelves and every single Item it contained.
"I must say, this is quite the surprise!" Luigi half-said, half-shouted.
"Yeah, it's like Wario passed gas in here or something!" Mario added, and every one but Wario was engulfed in a wave of laughter like no other.
Wario merely gave Mario a look which stopped him cold and retorted sarcastical ly, "Oh – ha ha ha, very funny! Now tell the one about Mario's—!"
A look of Mario's own froze the big buffoon solid as Peach noticed something and motored to the safe.
"Hey guys – look at this!" she hollered from halfway across the bank.
The group joined her and Toad noticed the note in her hand. "What is that?"
"I just found this in the safe. I can't quite read the handwriting but…" She cleared her throat before continuing.
"Ha ha ha!
If you want your bank back in business, face me upon the Eternal Star at sun down tonight!
3162420619"
"What kind of signature is that?" Wario blurted before anyone could stop him.
"It's a code, you big blubbering buffoon!" Luigi replied as the group made their way to the bank of the Mushroom Stream.
"What the heck's the 'Eternal Star'?" Toad asked the group.
"How should I know?" Yoshi retorted. "I've never heard of it before!"
"Must be a new Board or something," Mario answered.
"Yeah, that makes sense," DK added, "if whoever wrote the note knows his stuff about hacking computers."
"How true," Luigi added, "but we must ascertain the identity of the individual who penned this written message."
"What?" Wario asked.
"Uh…I think it has something to do with 'we must find out who wrote the note'," Mario translated. "Now do you understand, Wario?"
"What're you talking about – I knew what he was saying!" Wario argued.
"Uh, no you didn't!" Mario shot back. "If I recall, you were the one who—!"
"I've known what he was saying from the very start!"
"If I may interrupt—?" Luigi started.
"You wouldn't know what he was talking about if he spelled it out for you!" Mario shouted.
"Uh…guys—?" Luigi tried again.
"ENOUGH!" DK shouted. "You two are giving me a migraine!"
"Uh – aren't you, like, notorious for those?" Mario joked, and the group broke into laughter.
"Seriously, guys, we are getting nowhere fast with you two always bickering," Toad butted in.
"I'm not bickering, Mario's bickering," Wario retorted.
"Further investigation is needed on the subject of this note," Luigi said. "I hap pen to have a decoder program on my laboratory computer; maybe it could analyze the handwriting and the signature and give us the iden – err, name – of the ind – person – who penned the message!"
"Good idea, bro," Mario agreed, then added as he pointed a finger at Wario, "and thanks for simplifying that so he could understand it."
"Right then. Follow me." The group was on their feet and almost running after Luigi in about three seconds flat. "Quickly now, we haven't much time. That means you, Wario!" The big buffoon had climbed onto Yoshi's back and the poor dino was struggling to hold him up.
Within minutes Yoshi half set him down, half threw him off his back. "You sloth ful sack of lard! Why don't you just walk for once?"