Without You (2002)

It surely hasn't been a whole year, has it? I checked the calendar again, still holding the phone to my ear.

"Jeff? You still there?" I'm startled out of my daze by the voice on the other end.

"Yeah, I'm here. And of course I wanna see them."

"Great, well, I can bring them over in the morning."

"How about we all do lunch?" I ask suddenly. My head hasn't been on right lately, but I missed Ria terribly. Kalli had left a few months ago and I hadn't had the balls to tell Ria that like her, I was now alone. The only thing I could think about was her since Kalli told me she was moving on with her life, that it had been fun and that's all she had been looking for. The hurt of being left behind quickly faded as I concentrated on other things, namely my kids. Michelle was now a whole five-years-old and little Allen was three. The biggest mistake I ever made was leaving them. The biggest mistake was leaving Ria. And now here I was, alone.

"I don't know." Ever since last year she had totally shut herself off from me. Sometimes we wouldn't even say hello when we saw each other.

"C'mon, Ria. We need to talk." I was getting desperate. I needed to see her, talk to her, maybe gather the courage to beg her forgiveness.

"I've talked enough."

"I haven't. Please? Just lunch and I'll bring the kids back with me. Just let me see you for a while? Please?" I was reduced to begging.

"Fine. Lunch and that's all," she told me before telling me when and where to meet them. I ached to see her again. It was only last year that she begged me to come back. This year, it'd be me.

A week later I found myself sitting on my bed, not able to sleep with no one beside me. It was entirely too early to start getting ready for my birthday lunch. I went into my closet, looking for something to wear and deciding I'd try some stuff on when I found an unmarked box. Pulling it out and emptying it on the bed, I realized it was all old pictures. Wedding pictures, our honeymoon, holidays and the sort afterwards. On the bottom of the pile was a picture of Ria and I taken at Myrtle Beach. Thinking back to the day, I was reminded of my proposal. How could I have loved her so much and still hurt her so badly? How stupid and selfish could I have been to leave her? How stubborn was I when I realized I still wanted her yet wouldn't simply go back? I was a damn fool. Not being able to take it any longer, I put the pictures back in the box and stuffed it back in the closet. I decided on a long shower, and a cold one at that. The icy spray punished me for all of the foolishness I've made Ria endure over the last year and a half. I was upset to see that it was raining when I got out of the shower and surprised to feel how cold it was. I dressed in pants and a shirt that I knew she liked, all the while listening to the rain and being filled with nostalgia. I went back into my closet and pulled out the picture of us on the beach. Returning to my bed, I simply stared at it and remembered for the next few hours to come.

Noon found me sitting in a booth, waiting for my family. I had been out of it all day, staring off into space for most of it.

"Daddy!" The screech brought me to the present as I saw my daughter running towards the table. I stood, ready to pick her up when she flung herself at me. I was greeted with a tight hug and quite frankly, I needed it. "Happy Birthday," she told me, then kissed my cheek rather loudly. While my attention was focused on her, Ria walked over carrying Allen. I helped Michelle into her seat, taking Allen from Ria when he reached for me, repeating daddy to me and telling me Happy Birthday. Ria sat without saying hello as I put Allen in the highchair provided by the restaurant. I smiled at her from across the table.

"How are you?" I asked, not getting her attention. She didn't want to be here, I could tell. "Ria." She looked up at me and her green eyes shone brightly. She had been crying. They were only that bright when she cried, like the grassy greenness of her eyes had been watered. "I asked how you were."

"Fine," she sighed, then went back to her menu.

I decided that perhaps my daughter would be a better partner for a conversation, so I began one. I already knew what I wanted to order, anyway. I asked her to read me some words from the menu, which she did. She was becoming a very good reader. I asked her about starting school and about beginning her dancing lessons soon. She rambled on before Ria asked her what she wanted to eat, to which she replied "spaghetti" with a big smile. Allen was busy playing with the toys Ria had brought along to care much about anything.

With our orders set, my attention was again on Maria. She looked tired and worn out. Maybe I'd suggest keeping the kids for a week next time I was home. I was lucky to have my birthday off. Lunch went by quickly, the conversation not leaving the kids. Michelle insisted on dessert, and Allen happily agreed. Ice cream was brought and I had to yank away Allen's cup before he grabbed it.

"What?" Ria asked, surprised by my actions.

"Peanuts," I told her, showing her the topping on Allen's ice cream. "He's allergic to peanuts." Funny, I thought to myself. She was the one reminding me last year, and here I was this year reminding her.

"My God, I didn't even think to check," she gasped. We got Allen new ice cream and it was soon devoured. Paying the bill, we made our way outside to the cars. "I brought some toys for them, let me get the bag," Ria began starting towards her car. I grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Why don't you come, too?" I asked, my eyes pleading.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"She's there," she told me, not bothering to lie.

"No, she's not," I told her. "She hasn't been there for a few months now."

Surprised, but happy about my statement, she laughed. "So she left you like you left me."

"I knew you'd shove this in my face," I said, hurt by her comment. I knew it was coming, but it hurt more than I thought it would. She saw my expression and apologized, saying she'd come over.

The day passed quicker than I would have liked it to. Ria gave me a beautiful framed photo of the kids. Michelle made me a card and Allen gave me a picture of his newest scribbles. We sat and watched TV, the kids falling asleep on the blanket I stretched across the floor. I watched Maria from across the room. We were sitting on opposite couches. I watched as she laughed and sighed about the show on TV, missing seeing those expressions every day. Realizing what time it was, she asked for help in loading the kids into the car. I helped, of course, and as Ria came back to the house to get her purse, I pulled her into a hug.

"There's so much I want to tell you," I whispered. "So much I need to say. I have so much fear inside me yet so much hope."

She tentatively wrapped her arms around me, returning my hug. "I've been filled with both and so much more for a year, Jeff. I thought I had finally gotten over you." Her laugh held a hint of a sob. "Today, every single feeling I ever felt for you came rushing back at me. I hate you for what you've done. I hate her."

"I love you," I whispered without thinking. It felt so good to say it again, like I had been holding my breath since the last time I had. "I've always loved you and never stopped. The biggest mistake I made was walking out on you and I'll never forgive myself for it."

Pulling away from me, I saw the tears streaming down her face and only noticed I, too, was crying when she brought her hand up to wipe at them. She leant up, pressing her lips softly against mine. It was unlike any other kiss we had ever shared. Ever. "Happy Birthday, Jeff," she whispered to me. Before I knew it she was gone and the door was being slammed behind her. I touched my fingers to my lips and smiled. I'd call her tomorrow.