The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament

By

James Doyle

Game 2

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," announced the announcer to millions of anxious fans around the world. "Now entering the studio are tonight's contestants."

"A senior at Cheevers High School in Boston, Mass, originally from Atlanta, Georgia, please welcome Nia Moseby," introduced the announcer as a short-but-buxom African-American woman strutted across the stage without a care in the world.

"A junior in the Seven Seas High program aboard the fabulous S.S. Tipton, originally from Kettlecorn, Kansas, please welcome Bailey Pickett," introduced the announcer as a plainly-dressed, naturally attractive young woman with light brown hair made her way across the stage, waving daintily.

"And finally, a sophomore at Ridgeway High School in Seattle, Washington, please welcome Sam Puckett," introduced the announcer as a petite but muscular blond girl in a hoodie made her way across the stage, waving her arms in the air like a prizefighter.

"And now ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer as the host ran out onto the stage. "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

"Thank you," began Stu as he greeted the crowd with his usual salute, "And welcome to The Dirty Dozens, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and there ain't no kissin', just a whole lotta dissin'. Let's have a look at our categories."

Stu narrated as the board lit up the categories.

"'Yo mama so skinny'...'Yo mama so ugly'...'Yo mama so old'...and 'Starts with S.' Bailey, you won the dice roll, so you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'old' for one hundred, Stu," requested the raspy-voiced country girl.

"Yo mama so old..." prompted Stu. "Bailey."

"Your mama's so old, Jason and the argonauts threw her overboard," attempted Bailey.

"Judges?" requested Stu, prompting a buzzer. "I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Anyone else?"

Sam rang in.

"Go for it Sam," encourage Stu.

"Your mama's so old, she's still picking the Donner Party out of her teeth," dissed Sam.

"That's a little disturbing," Stu said awkwardly. "But it puts you in the game, and gives you control over the board."

"I'll take 'mama so skinny' for a hundred," requested Sam.

"Yo mama so skinny..." prompted Stu. "Nia."

"Yo mama so skinny, when she got locked out the house, she crawled in through the garden hose," responded Nia.

"And Nia ties it up!" noted Stu. "Pick another one."

"I'll take 'mama so ugly' for a hundred, Stu," picked Nia.

"New category. Yo mama so ugly..."

Bailey rang in.

"Your mama's so ugly, whenever I need fertilizer, I just show her picture to my cows," dissed Bailey.

"Bailey's in the game, and we have a three-way tie," declared Stu. "Pick a category."

"I will take...'mama's so old' for two hundred," requested Bailey.

"Yo mama so old..." prompted Stu.

Bailey rang in. "Your mama's so old, she went to the circus on her first date...the Roman circus."

"Judges?" requested Stu. The judges declined. "I'm sorry Bailey, that's just too obscure."

Nia rang in. "Yo mama so old, she went to the prom with Fred Flintstone."

"And Nia takes the lead with three hundred," announced Stu. "Nia, you're in control."

"I will take 'Ugly' for two hundred, Stu," requested Nia.

"Yo mama so ugly..." read Stu. "Bailey."

Bailey turned and directed her dis at Sam. "Your mama's so ugly, she could make a MAGLEV train take a dirt road."

"Oh, you did not just..." began Sam, only to be interrupted by the buzzer.

"And that's the end of the round," announced Stu.

"Oh no it's not!" yelled Sam as she lunged at Bailey, only to be restrained by a pair of muscular security guards.

"This isn't [expletive] over you [expletive] [expletive]piece of [expletive][expletive][expletive]. I'm gonna [expletive] your liver, and shove up it your [expletive][expletive][expletive]!" screamed Sam as she struggled against the guards who were hauling her off-stage.

"Ooh, somebody's a sore loser!" commented Stu. "Anyway, that's the end of regulation play. It's time for our sudden death round. The winner will compete as a finalist in our championship round on Thursday, and the loser will compete in our runners-up round on Friday. Bailey, Nia, since it's the two of you, we'd like to introduced an old friend of yours, who's been sitting in a soundproof booth this whole time. He doesn't know why he's here, but he's about to find out. Ladies and gentlemen, Arwin Hawkhauser!"

The audience cheered as the stage hands wheeled the balding, bespectacled, thirty-something maintenance engineer of the Boston Tipton, strapped to his chair, and with a cuff around his upper arm.

"Oh hi, guys," greeted Arwin. "Is this some sort of game show?"

"Yes, it is," confirmed Stu. "Now Arwin has only had one cup of coffee today, and he's been watching his favorite cartoons, so he's nice and calm right now. But that's about to change. You see, Arwin loves his mother dearly, and can't stand to hear her dissed. So we've hooked him up to this blood-pressure monitor. You'll each take turns trash-talking Arwin's mama; dozens in any category are acceptable. The first one to make him go red-line wins. Are you ready?"

"I guess," Bailey said sheepishly.

"Ain't no thang," Nia said nonchalantly.

"Bailey, since you finished the round, you'll go first," said Stu. "Ready...set...dis!"

"Um..." said Bailey. "Um...your mama's so dumb, she gave a pop can a pep-talk because it said 'Contents Under Pressure.'"

"It's okay," said Arwin. "I can take it."

"Good one!" approved Stu.

"Please!" dismissed Nia. "Yo mama so skinny, she farted in Boston and it blew her all the way to Providence."

"Not a problem," assured Arwin. "I know you don't mean it."

"You're mama's so sweaty, she strolled through Kettlecorn and ended the drought," dissed Bailey.

"Hey, that's not fair!" protested Arwin. "She has a hormone imbalance."

At that point, Arwin's heart rate and blood-pressure had risen noticeably.

"Yo mama so greasy," dissed Nia, "J.R. Ewing got a lease on her."

"Funky!" approved Stu.

"Okay, I think that's enough," said Arwin as his BP increased yet again.

"Your mama's so poor, she takes stock tips from Oliver Twist," dissed Bailey.

"A little obscure, but it did get a rise out of him," observed Stu.

"That's a damn lie!" defended Arwin. "I work hard to support my mother!"

That last one almost put Arwin over the line, but not quite, setting Nia up for the win.

"Yo mama so fat, she fell in Niagara Gorge and stopped up the Falls," said Nia, delivering the Coup de Grace.

"That's it!" cried Arwin, setting off the blood-pressure alarms as he tore of his restraints and took off after Nia. "I'm kicking your ass into the next eon!"

"And we have a winner!" declared Stu. "Bailey, you'll be competing this Friday in our runners-up round. That is, unless Arwin manages to catch Nia, in which case you'll be competing in our championship round."

Bailey giggled, feeling oddly proud of her impugning prowess.

"That's our show for today," concluded Stu. "Join us tomorrow night for our next set of sophomoric smart-alecs. Until then, word to your mother!"

End of Game Two

No, I didn't forget the "Mystery Dis." It's a visual thing that's impossible to convey in a textual medium. This story will cover one week of shows, so three chapters after this. No more; no less. Stay tuned!