2. Julian

So, that's why Lena could have chosen Julian.

I do not own Delirium.

Moonlight leeks through the thin curtains. Julian is breathing quietly beside me. His skin is milky in the light. I'm not fully awake and I feel a sudden urge to grab his hand and lace my fingers with his and never let go. But then I realize that I might wake him up. That I was only dreaming, and Julian is safe and I'm safe and we're together, inseparable.

But in the sleep I was in the tunnels again.

I leave the bed and stand alone near the window recalling these days...

"Julian", I call out in whisper. He might be already asleep. But I can't force myself to close my eyes. Darkness is wrapping around me and I can't breathe.

"Lena". There's something about the way he says my name that sends shivers down my spine. It's very different from how Alex used to call me. It then sounded too loud and too enthusiastic. He pronounced it proudly, as to claim me his. Julian says it quietly, unsurely. He says it gently and tentatively, as though I may disappear and he will be left alone in the dark. He isn't used to it. He whispers it, listening carefully to the sound. And it overwhelms me.

"I never got the chance to ask", I mutter. I've already changed my mind but I can't just stop talking. So I go on. "Why?"

"Why?" he asks. I can see him rising to his elbows, eyes slightly glimmering in the dark. "What do you mean?"

"When I told you that I was… an Invalid", I trip over the word, but I carry on, hurrying, afraid that he may stop me. "You didn't… you didn't care".

"I did".

I freeze.

"In fact", he speaks up, "I was scared and angry and I felt deceived. But I no longer am".

I exhale. "Why?"

"See, you can't be afraid all the time". He says it quietly, half-asking me. "And maybe… maybe I never truly believed in it. In deliria. There. I said it".

And, following the impulse, I grab his hand. He shifts and removes it.

"Still, I… I was raised this way, I can't-", he sounds guilty, as if he was apologizing for not accepting my hand. "It's too odd. Insane. Scary. Wrong".

Then I see him reaching for my hair in the dark. I don't move and let him caress it softly.

"But it should have been right", his voice is barely audible; I might be as well imagining it. But he said it.

I close the curtains. The room darkens.

I no longer can force myself to go underground. I don't use the restored metro. But sometimes I visit a cave near the ocean. It's open and doesn't make me claustrophobic, but the air feels just like in the tunnels. And, in an odd way, I like it. It reminds me of how I started loving Julian.

"I need him to know that I came for him. I need him to know that somehow, at some point in the tunnels, I began to love him".

I shiver at the thought. I try to forget this day. I thought, I would never save him from this room. I thought, I would be the witness of how a father condemned his own son to death. But it turned out alright. And, something happened then, that united us. And only this memory made me whisper "Julian" instead of "Alex" on the day of our victory.

"So what now?" I ask Alex. The light is too bright; the day feels as though it's merging into dream.

"Do you love me?" Alex asks.

I fall silent. The world seems spinning twice as fast as it should. I think of Alex, of how nice he was to me in Portland. How he sacrificed himself. But I can't remember. Everything I see is a cold fierce look in his eyes and hatred with which he bet Julian; wry smiles; and his face without a trace of emotion when he lied about not loving me. If he can hurt like this, what if I can never trust him? Who knows what secrets he can keep?

And then I think of Julian. His shy lovely smile, his kind words. He never hurt me. He never judged me, although, he could. He understood perfectly that I wasn't over Alex, yet he stayed with me when I needed him most. He isn't spoiled by freedom. He only starts discovering it.

And that's when I understand: you may love someone, who saved you, but the one you saved you'll love more.

And immediately I feel guilty for thinking that I loved Julian less. For being awful to him. For testing his kindness. I now see how good he is.

"Lena?" Alex repeats in frustration.

I'm dizzy. I can't handle my emotions.

"Yes". I say. His face lights up. "Yes, I love you, Julian".

Three things happen at a time.

People emerge into the streets. They run, they shout. They head toward the wall. They are taking it down.

Alex cries out, "What?"

And I hear footsteps behind me and a soft voice says, "Lena".

I turn around. Julian. He is alive, he is fine. I can see a few cuts, and his hair is partly covered with blood. But he is fine. And he is beautiful.

I want to run to him, but I'm not finished. I turn to Alex. He doesn't seem angry. He understands. For the first time Alex decides to face it. He has changed. I have, too. Alex reaches for me and I give him a hug.

"I never stopped loving you", I say. "But not that way". Alex smiles and nods, "I know".

That's when he grabs my hand and we both go toward Julian. I hug him and whisper, "I love you". And I'll never hesitate to tell him this again.

The dawn is breaking through the leaves. Julian shifts under the covers and opens his eyes. Blue, as a sunlit sea. And I'm happy all over again that I chose him. Because you need someone in your life, who will not make it fast-moving or messy or active, but who will make you happy and shine for you when the sun is gone.