Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha
Big thanks goes to Tsuki Ai for betaing!
Chapter 2- Fallen Angel
'Don't come back'
No.
'Don't come back'
No. Don't listen.
'Leave'
Stay.
'Don't come back.'
Stay.
"Stay!" the man cried sitting up on his bed. The whole house was still dark and outside he could hear a storm. He remembered she was afraid of storms and he wanted to run to her and make sure that if the thunder wake her, she would be able to go back to sleep. But he couldn't and he knew this.
At the moment, he was the one who needed help going back to sleep, and in the secrecy of his mind, Sesshoumaru wished he could change his nightmares. If he could just dream about battles, corpses and blood, he would be at ease; he had dealt with those nightmares for six years and he knew how to proceed. Dreaming about her... he just couldn't deal with that.
Not after what he did.
Not after what he told her, how he broke her heart because he knew he did that. She was always easy to read. Her emotions were in her eyes and he saw them dulled with the pain of betrayal and rejection. All because of him.
At first he couldn't understand it himself. Kagome was his friend when he thought he didn't need one, but she stayed by his side and he got used to it. Somehow, he grew fond of her, finally returning her friendship though he still wasn't sure how it happened. Perhaps it was her childish nature- so open and trusting, or her naive and innocent character that made her fall into strangest situations. Maybe, it was the way her smile brightened his day every time he saw it?
He wasn't sure. It never matter then. Now it wasn't important.
The war had changed everything. He was supposed to stay here, grow up, mature and make his way through the life. Maybe even finally undercover the secret that was his friend. But he couldn't wish for something that was not meant to be. He had gone; she stayed. It had to happen, he told himself many times and now he was ready to believe in this.
He had changed. He had been always called emotionless, but being there, fighting, killing, had took away the rest of his emotions and nearly his sanity. The only thing that kept him away from the madness was her letters. He had them all- kept them as well protected as many may hold precious gems.
She wrote quite often, and he waited for every letter like a sinner on heaven's forgiveness. The place where she was, was his Heaven and she was the angel that was keeping his soul alive. He had often seen how many others killed their souls because they had nothing to help them keep it alive. They were turned into mindless killing machines. Most of them never saw the end of the battles.
He had her and he clung to that thought with all of his strength.
Her letters were always long. It spoke about everything that was happening in their town- from the information about weddings, funerals and birth through the weather, to her life and thoughts. Most news had no meaning for him, but reading it was pure pleasure in itself. She was very good at making him feel lighter.
He even responded... well, few times. He was never one to write well, he just never knew about what he should write. He knew she had her troubles back there, hidden between the lines and he didn't want to give her his problems, too. The war wasn't something she should have heard about.
Still, she was always saying that his letters made her happier so it made him feel good, too. The last one he wrote was the shortest of them all. It was saying, 'I'm coming back,' and had details of what day he would arrive and what time. He was thrilled to see her after such a long time and deep in his heart he hoped she would come to see him.
She came.
At first he hadn't noticed her, but then she called for him. He had almost sat down from the shock- when he left, she was still a girl, almost a child. Now she was a woman, and quiet beautiful at that. She still kept her long, dark hair free. Her eyes were blue like when he met her and she was still small, yet there was something he couldn't remember. Some femininity, maturity... wisdom. She was the angel he always thought her to be.
He went to her wanting to be in her presence as fast as possible; he was only slightly confused why he was walking and not running. He surely felt like running.
And then he was before her, looking again at those beautiful eyes, wishing to touch her, to make sure she wasn't a dream. She said his name. And then something broke.
The last six years flashed through his mind. Every day, every battle, every killed man, every soldier that died from his hand. He was a murderer, a sinner. He had done so many disgusted things, things he was against and killed so many... he was a demon.
A demon who wished for an angel.
How could he think about her? How could he want her? How could he even wish to touch her, look in her eyes, knowing what he had done?
She was still standing before him, smiling shyly, her cheeks slightly pink. Even after so many years, she was still pure, untouched, innocent. How could he taint someone like her without destroying the rest of his own soul? Because that's what would happen.
So many times he remembered her doing something just because he was doing it. She was afraid of the dark at some point, yet she was watching starts sitting in the meadow just because he was there. He would go on the lake, and she would go with him even if she couldn't swim. Now she would take him back into her life, only to be destroyed.
He would not allow it.
He had always known he would protect her from any possible danger. Now, he would protect her from himself. Even if it hurt, he would do so. It was necessary.
So he told her to leave him and not come back, even if his entire being begged for her to stay and sooth his broken soul. He turned from her and left, wishing to turn back and stay with her. Now he was doing this all the time in his dreams.
Sesshoumaru stood from the bed and went to the window. The little house which Kagome got from her aunt was easily seen from the window of his bedroom. He saw that all the windows were dark and he hoped she was sleeping peacefully. He would have given a lot just to be able to go and check if he was right.
Lightning shot through the dark sky, snatching him from his thoughts.
He couldn't go. With a mental sigh, he turned from the window and laid back. He told her to leave. She wouldn't come back.
The man closed his eyes to return to his nightmares.
She wouldn't come back.
She came back, much to his irritation. He had actually hoped she had lost that annoying habit to defy his decisions that considered her. He told her to leave for her own good. Couldn't she see that?
Looking at the cake that was lying on his doorstep, he assumed she couldn't. Oh, he knew it was hers- it was the first cake she had learned to do. He was also the first person she had allowed to try it since it was his favorite one. She was trying to approach him through his stomach. How annoying it was that it was working... on some level.
He knew he couldn't go back to her nor would he allow her to come back to him, but once again she made sure he would crave her like a hungry man for a meal. He was already going insane without her; she just assured that it would get worse.
Dear god!
His hand inched to touch the dessert and take it inside. It was for him after all, right? Thankfully, at the last moment, he stilled his body. He couldn't do this. He couldn't let her come to his house, not even one thing made by her. She should know he was not going to do this.
With one last mental push, he turned inside, leaving the cake on the steps.
Kagome couldn't take a hint. Untouched by his rejection of her cake, she started to leave other things for him. Stubborn little thing she was, she was trying very hard to make him break and change his mind.
It was at this moment he had decided that he would show her just what kind of monster he really was. He would show her the sinner that he had turned into through the last six years, even if that would break her.
It was for her own good.
It was easy, thought Sesshoumaru taking another gulp of the wine from the bottle. Forgetting was easy, very easy, just like drinking. Who would have guessed? He was slightly surprised he hadn't tried it earlier; it would be so easy then. Even life would be easy since he wouldn't remember.
He liked to not remember. It was very cleansing feeling. For some blessed time, he ceased to be a sinner, and was turning into a normal human. The war, the battles, Kagome all was left in some dark corner of his mind, sealed with alcoholic mist. He was pleased.
The only thing that he didn't like was waking up. He knew he had to do so in order to drink again, but it always meant he would remember and had to make it go away. Really troublesome if he could say so. Why couldn't he drink enough to not remember ever again? Perhaps then everything would be easier.
Taking another big sip of the drink, he leaned on the coach. The last three months had been a blur. He couldn't remember everything, but he was pleased how it turned out. He reached his goal: Kagome had finally been driven away from him. He made sure of it. He spent every minute of his waking time proving to her just what kind of monster he was. He started to drink all the time, getting into fights and there was no evening that some woman wasn't accompanying him into the bedroom.
Yes, even when others were looking at him with disgust and pity, he was still pleased. Even Kagome's good, kind and oh so innocent heart wouldn't be able to deal with what he was doing. She was too pure for him, and he hoped she finally understood that.
He took the bottle in his hand and lifted it to his mouth, only to growl with annoyance. Stupid drink, finishing when he was getting to the right state where he couldn't feel anything. How annoying. Now he would have to move to go to the shop and buy some more. He needed it.
The knock to the door stopped his plans. Who could it be? When he found out he would surely beat the life of the man or woman. He hated when someone was disturbing him when he was making plans for the rest of the day.
Lazily, he looked at the window and the setting sun. Okay... plans for the night.
With a mental pat on his back for sharp perceptiveness, Sesshoumaru went to answer the door. He was going make the person outside pay for ruining his evening.
However, when he opened the door and saw widening of the blue orbs that were so familiar, followed by little gasp of shock, everything fled from his head. What was she doing here? Hadn't she heard what he had turned into?
Seeing the horror on her face, he assumed she didn't, or didn't want to believe them.
For a moment, he wished he could cry. Why was Fate doing this to him? He tried so badly to leave her behind, to allow her to forget about him, why she was still coming back?
"Sesshoumaru... what have you done with yourself?" Kagome asked in a whisper. She had heard people gossip about him, but she never thought it was so bad. He looked like a ghost of the man that came back three months ago. She was not going to allow this to continue.
He turned his face from her.
"What are you doing here?" he asked coldly, "I told you to don't come back." Her lips turned into a thin line. He could be stubborn, but she could too. He was not going to dismiss her so easily this time, not until she was sure he would be okay.
"I came to talk with you," Kagome replied.
"Leave," came the answer before he turned his back to her and slammed the door in her face. Her anger rose higher and without another thought, she followed him, thankful he had not locked the door. She approached him when the man sat on the dirty couch. He cast her an annoyed look.
"I told you to leave." She shrugged.
"I heard. I'm not going to listen though." He made a strange noise in the back of his throat that she couldn't recognize. Golden eyes narrowed and before she could blink he was beside her, holding her arms painfully.
"Why can't you listen to me just once? I told you to leave and by gods you will, even if I have to throw you out!" he yelled. That caught her off-guard- Sesshoumaru had never raised his voice, especially not at her. She wriggled from his grasp.
"Why? Why are you pushing me out? You need help Sesshoumaru, and I want to help you!" the woman yelled back. Her own feelings that were squished for last few weeks finally found its way out in her ire.
"I don't need you," he said sitting back on his coach. He hoped his words would hurt her. Perhaps then she would leave. She had to... he needed her out of here and he needed to drink again. He had to forget. Why couldn't she just leave?
The woman moved to stand before him, her eyes swirling with the emotional storm that was playing inside her.
"You liar. You need me more that you want to admit. Look at you. Look at what have you turned into! You look like a ghost! Have you even seen your reflection lately? Don't you dare tell me you don't need help!"
Sesshoumaru hid his face in his hands. Why was the universe playing with him like this? He wanted to tear his hair from his head, just to forget she was still with him. So close... so fucking close he could feel the heat radiating from her body.
How would he be able to forget again, knowing she was here so close, so real? A silent whimper escaped his throat. He never thought something could hurt like this; he never thought he could hurt like this. This pain it made him... feel so strange... It was making him feel. Reminding him that he was still alive and not dead as he thought for so long. He could feel his safe world turning into unrecognizable pieces.
"Leave Kagome, just leave," the man nearly begged. She fell to her knees before him; her small hand went to his hair, running through the heavy mass in a soothing manner. God, how he missed her touch.
"Sesshoumaru..." she whispered softly.
Something inside him broke. He was once again at the war, reading himself to battle. He saw himself killing some soldier, walking through a field of corpses, looking at the blood on his hands. Then he saw her playing with him, smiling. Then she was holding back tears, trying her best to smile when he was leaving for a war, smiling when he came back.
'Promise you'll come back,' she said looking at him pleadingly. He didn't want to lie; he knew that he might die there and he had no say in the matter. But he couldn't leave her without hope.
"I swear I'll fight to the end and one day we'll see each other again." That seemed to please the girl and she gave him another watery smile. Sesshoumaru smirked at her.
'Before then you can write to me.' She laughed happily.
'I will. I promise.'
Sesshoumaru looked up at her. She was giving him the same look like on that day so many years ago. He could feel his heart start to beat again- he had forgotten how it felt to have warm blood cursing in his veins instead of ice. He felt almost... vulnerable. He needed her. Desperately.
His dream flashed through his mind.
'Don't come back.'
Stay.
"Stay." he begged.
Kagome embraced him in answer; his eyes closed in response.
"Stay."
AN: I don't have much to say- hope you liked it!