Wow, okay. I finally finished this after like, months.
Thanks to tumblr user itseyeglasses for being a beta!
" How do you even know it was me? You could have gotten hitched to and old sap off the street!" For some reason the thought of that made you blood boil.
"Reason number one, I woke up in the same bed as you. Reason number two, neither of us apparently know what happened last night. Reason number three, we now have matching wedding bands."She walks toward you counting off the reasons on her fingers then grabs your wrist and waves your left hand in front of your face, which does indeed have a wedding band matching her own. "So unless we both tied the knot last night to completely different people and decided to play 'spouse-swap' I'm gonna assume that the presumably inebriated vows of matrimony were between us."
"Well shit." Is all you have to say. You are at a loss of ironic metaphors to ramble on about until everybody is so confused and the subject is changed. For the first time in your life you, Dave Strider, are speechless.
"Well shit." He says, rubbing the back of his neck.
"'Well shit'? All you have to say is 'well shit'. How do you think I feel bout this? I got married and probably slept with you last night and I can't remember a single thing. I missed John's birthday breakfast thing and he's probably pissed at me and..." Tears are threatening to spill out and you're doing your best to blink them away. "And everything is just all messed up and I don't know how to fix it."
"Jade-" Dave reaches out as if to try to comfort you but pauses when your phone rings.
'ROSE CALLING' is broadcasted across the screen as a popular pop song plays in the background. You press the green answer button and hold the phone up to your ear.
"H-hey Rose," You answer nervously. "What's up?"
"Oh, you know how it is a lovely breakfast... and John being nowhere to be found. The usual." She answers without skipping a beat.
"Wait, what! What do you mean 'nowhere to be found'? Wasn't he at breakfast with you?" You question frantically, running your hands through your hair and pacing across the room.
"Calm down Jade. No, he wasn't at breakfast but neither were you and Dave so we really cannot assume much on that account."
"Hehe... really? Dave didn't show up either, that's so weird..."
"Is it really Jade? Is it really all that strange that you and my brother both coincidentally missed the failed celebratory breakfast in honor of your cousin's 21st birthday? I'm sure there was no such event that happened to occur last night which would result in you two being together right now."
"So...so you know what happened last night?"
"Of course I know. After all, I was invited to be your maid of honor."
"Great... because I don't remember anything."
"Well I wouldn't ask for specifics. Unfortunately I was unable to attend."
"What..."
"I apologize but we really should focus on the matter at hand. Because John Egbert is still missing and we can discuss this later."
"Uhhh ok. So where was the last place anyone saw John?"
"I do believe that he was asked to be Dave's best man, so I thought it best to ask him but his phone must not be available so I figured he would be with you."
"...Yes. I will tell him and then meet you downstairs, okay?"
"Agreed. See you two lovebirds then." You swear you heard Rose snicker before the line went dead.
Her phone hit the bed at the same the same time as she did as she drew out an extended "bluh". You swear that bluh would have like eight u's.
You ask, "So, what's going on with Egderp?"
"John Egbert is missing." Jade replies but you could have guessed that much from the parts of the phone conversation you just heard, well as much as you heard before you stopped listening.
"Pfft. Leave it to windy boy to not show for his own party. He'll probably show up 15 minutes late with Starbucks just so he doesn't have to eat cake. Because of his stupid obsession with Betty Crocker and the fact that he claims she's his arch enemy like he's some lame comic book character with a cape and shit. Actually I would probably be the one to wear the cape, he'd be flying around with a windsock on his head or something." Where was this going anyways?
She voices your thoughts, "Dave what the hell are you talking about?"
"Nothing. So do we have any ideas on where blue boy could be hiding?"
"I have no clue but I guess we should check the nearest 'John-like' places. He couldn't have gotten that far."
"Yeah but we also got a side mission to think about, and that is finding my shades."
"Ugh, you and your damn shades! Is that all you ever think about the majority of the time?"
"Well excuse me if I was just being considerate of my best bro's feels, since he was the one who gifted those glorious shades to me even if it was for ironic purposes. I just feel like he would be a little disappointed to not see them perched on their usual heavenly pedestal that is my face."
"OMG, whatever! I don't care about your stupid shades right now, lets just go find John and deal with whatever the hell you've been rambling about later!"
"Harsh man, no need to rag on the shades. Do you always show so much hate for tinted eyewear?"
She screams storming out the door, "ARGH!"
He's just so infuriating and immature! Why did you, of all people have to be stuck with him? You mean sure he's one of the best friends anyone could ask for, but he's absolutely insufferable to be in a relation with. You don't know if you can handle the fact that you are legally bound to him, at least temporarily.
You just need to find John, fix this mess, and try not to tear all your hair out in the process. God, that's a lot of things to remember. Maybe you need some sort or color coded system to help you remember things. Oh man, you were thinking too much to pay attention to where you were going. Are you in a bar? Wait, is that…
"JOHN!" You snarl, storming towards him and the bartender he was flirting with. He looks around frightened for an escape from the crazy cousin that you have become. There is none.
Thanks for reading.
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