Chapter 01
The conversations with Gamlen was brief and to the point. He had told Gamlen about Leandra's death. Gamlen was instantly became furious when he told him that he was too late to save her.
" So, you're to blame. If you'd been quicker or stronger, you could've...she could be..." Gamlen had left his mansion and probably on his way to tell Carver about the news of their mother's death, but the weight of his words still ringing on his ears. It burned him like an acid. Gamlen was right, if he was stronger maybe she could be still alive. Gamlen had pointed his failure and he was ashamed of it. Gamlen's words only depressed him more.
" I need a drink..." He slumped on his chair and groaned out loud when he felt his head was about to explode and his heart was always giving him a painful tugs. He needed to have a lot of drink to help him forget about the whole things for a bit. He then got up from his chair to retrieve a bottle of wine.
"Fenris..." He touched a bottle of wine which was a gift from Fenris but decided not to take it. He had enough heart breaks for one day and he didn't need another remainder of it. Thank you very much. So, he decided not to drink it and instead he headed back to his room's. Maybe a little wink of sleep was what he needed.
He could not sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, the image of his mother dying in his arms was replaying back and forth like a torture. He sighed and got up from his bed but there was nothing he could do in the middle of the night, so he sat back down on his bed. He was about to wallow into his misery again when suddenly his door was being open by someone else. He thought that he had locked the door before or had he? He was surprised when he saw that it was Fenris who appeared like it was normal to visit a friend of yours in the middle of the night and not to mention in your friend's bedroom without so much a knock on the door.
'Fantastic. He's what I need now.' He thought sarcastically when he eyed Fenris wearily. It seemed that Fenris became nervous under his gaze.
" I don't know what to say but I am here." Typical of Fenris, straight to the point. So, Fenris didn't know what to do or what to say but kept coming to see him? It was flattering but he had no energy now to respond to Fenris's concern. He was tired and he just wanted to be alone.
"I prefer to be alone." He flinched when he saw Fenris reaction to his words. It was hurting him although Fenris tried hard not to show it on his face but somehow he could see it clearly. He also felt bad about it. It was not his intent to sound harsh to Fenris. But, he could not help it. He would not want to drag Fenris into his sorrows. Fenris had enough of his own.
"I see...My apologize then..." Fenris replied hoarsely. Fenris then gave him a sad looks before he turned around and left his room's.
"..." He could not say anything. He could only staring at Fenris's retreating back and even after Fenris had left him, he was still staring morosely at the spot where Fenris had been standing before. He wished that he could wash that looks from Fenris's face. He just made the Elf sad. How could he hurting the one that he loved and sent him away? He was actually happy to see Fenris and to have a knowledge that Fenris cared for him. A part of him desired to envelope Fenris in his loving embrace and to forget everything by making love to him once more like that night. But, the other part of him was refused to do that. He had just losing his mother and it was because of he was weak. He didn't deserve Fenris. How could he protect Fenris if he could not even protect his own family?
"I feel like shit. Please, forgive me, Fenris..." He whispered sadly while he laid back his tired body on the bed. Tomorrow was his mother's funeral so it was best to get any sleep that he could get. So, he then forced himself to drown into sleep even though it was only filled with nightmares.
The funeral of his mother was simple and short. His friends were coming to attend the funeral. Some of the nobles also coming to give their fake sympathize but he put no mind to their presence. Carver and Gamlen also coming but strangely Carver didn't even try to blame him on their mother's death. Carver only gave him a sad smile and a comforting squeeze on his shoulders. Carver had matured. Carver became a mature man. He was proud of Carver. He smiled back at Carver and somehow Carver's acceptance of their mother's death had ease the pain in his heart a little.
"Thank you brother...and I am so..."
"No! Don't say that, big brother! I may punch you if you say that you're sorry. You've tried. I know how hard it was. So, listen to me, stop blaming yourself on everything that gone bad. It was not your fault. And I am sorry if I ever blamed you. I was immature back then." Carver's words were comforting him. He didn't know that Carver was capable of comforting someone. He didn't even know that Carver was actually understood him better. He was overwhelming with the feeling of acceptance from Carver and Carver's admittance toward his errors back then that he was almost crying right there in front of Carver.
"May I disturb this loving family moment's, gentlemen? It was about time for a burial of your mother." Varric suddenly appeared to tell them that it was the time for a burial of their mother's body. He was thankful of the interruption because he was almost wept like a baby in front of Carver.
"Oh, yes. Let's go, brother." Carver grabbed his right arm and together they watched the moment where they would see their mother for the last time. Carver had shed a lone tear while he saw their mother being buried.
"Rest in peace, mother..." Carver whispered softly.
"We'll miss you, mother." He added softly. Somehow he felt grateful that their mother's death not only bring the sadness over them but it also reunited him with Carver. He looked upon the sky and prayed that he would be strong enough to keep going like usual. Because he was still tempted to just end everything and closed his eyes. But, after Carver's acceptance and comforting manners, it seemed as if a curtain of darkness inside of him had been lifted up a little.
The following days after his mother's funeral were like a blurs to him. Oddly enough there were no missions for him to take. So, he opted to spend half of his days in the Blooming Rose, drinking and flirting with the elves there who only reminded him more of Fenris. After a while he got bored but he did not want to spend his times in his Mansion. The Mansion felt empty and cold without his mother. And he recalled that his friends also busy with their own business. So, in his drunken haze, he decided to go to the chantry. For what reason, he didn't understand himself. But, he had this sudden urge to seek comfort inside the Chantry even though he was no man of faith.
He then ended up in the Chantry until dark. He took a seat in a front rows while he took a gulp from the bottle of wine who he slipped inside his robes. He laughed like crazy as he gazed heatedly on the statue of the Maker.
"If You're here, show Yourself and tell me why You are so cruel to us? Is that because I am not your followers? But, why not spare my mother? She is Yours! Damn You!" He was somehow went to insults the Maker. He kept yelling and throwing tantrums in the Chantry. The sisters were already calling the guards but they could do nothing to him. He was a noble. They didn't dare to touch a noble. So, they let him made a fool of himself at least until he was tired or maybe passed out from his drunken stupor.
Sebastian's POV
"Thank the Maker, Sebastian, you're finally coming!" One of the sister, Sarah, was glad when she saw Sebastian just came back from his training.
"What? But, why..." Sarah cut him off quickly and steered him directly to where Hawke's slumping form could be seen in the front rows. Hawke still mumbling a curses to the Maker but the sisters were thankful that he was not yelling anymore.
"Hawke!" He was surprised to see Hawke there , drunk and miserable.
"He's your friend, right. Please, bring him out. He's violated the Maker and the Chantry enough. So, please Sebastian, bring him out." Sister Sarah asked him in a desperate pleas. He was too perplexes to reply her so he just nodded his head and approached Hawke slowly.
"Hawke, what are you doing here?" He asked Hawke as he sat beside the man. The smell of alcohol from Hawke made him scrunch his nose in disgust. Hawke turned his head to face him but it seemed he was too drunk to recognize Sebastian. Hawke only grinned drunkenly at him and muttering something about the Maker and His angel. He tried not to blush at Hawke's comments because he was well...drunk, right?
"Just, bring him home, Sebastian." Sister Sarah approached him and told him to bring Hawke home. Sebastian nodded at her and got up to help Hawke to get up as well. Hawke was struggling weakly but Sebastian ignored him and succeed to put Hawke's arms around him so Hawke would not be falling down.
"I am going, sister." He excused himself. He then went outside the Chantry with a drunken Hawke in tow. And thus begin his journey to Hawke's mansion. It was not easy considering that Hawke was not a light weighted man and not to mention that Hawke was also ready to puke anytime. He was almost considering to just leave Hawke there on the open street to teach him a little lesson not to drunk again. But, Hawke was his friend, so maybe another time?
"Master!" He was glad when they were finally arrived at Hawke's mansion for about half an hour or so he thought. They were then greeted by Bodahn's panic cries when he saw Hawke's limp form on his arms.
"What happened to my Master, Serrah Vael?" Orana asked him worriedly.
"It's clear that he's drunk and make a fool of himself in the Chantry." He answered her as he gestured for Bodahn to help him carry .
"We'll talk later, but for now let's help your Master to his room's then." He added quickly when he saw Orana about to question him more. Bodahn then helped him to bring Hawke to his room and lay Hawke down on his bed. Bodahn also helped him to change Hawke's in clothes and hurriedly excused himself when he saw that his Master had passed out.
"I'll leave as well. Goodb..." He was about to take his leave when suddenly Hawke grabbed his arm. It caught him off guard and made him stumble on top of Hawke. He tried to release himself from Hawke but unfortunately Hawke only tightened his grip on Sebastian's waist tightly.
"Let me go, Hawke! Hawk...Damn...you're being delirious,are you not?" He stopped in his attempt to remove himself from Hawke's arms when he noticed that Hawke was actually sleeping.
"S...so warm..." Hawke was mumbled in his sleep. It was kind of adorable in Sebastian's mind if he was not being trapped in Hawke's arms. Hawke was a strong man and Sebastian didn't even know it that Hawke was even more stronger in bed ( no pun intended ). Sebastian then blushed at the way he was thinking and at the position he was in. He was tucked under Hawke's chin and Hawke seemed to think that he was a pillow so Hawke was cuddling him now.
"Oh, Andraste, please help me." Sebastian was quickly praying and repeating the chant in his head when he was starting to enjoy Hawke's warm embrace.
It was not a secret to himself that Sebastian was actually interested in Hawke romantically. He often found himself jealous of Fenris who got more attention from Hawke than the rest of their party. So, sometimes he indulged Fenris in a friendly banters although his true intention was not friendly at all. He was angry that Fenris was the one who catch Hawke's eyes and not him. But, he was also often found himself in denial. He kept denying that he was attracted to a male and specifically to Hawke. And the fact that he belongs to the Chantry was also another problem for him. So, he opted to hide his dirty little secret just to himself and pretended to make Hawke believed that Sebastian only wanted his friendship while in truth Sebastian desired something more. He wanted Hawke's affection.
"Maker, please help me not to give into the temptation." He moaned lowly when he felt Hawke nuzzled his hair unconsciously. It was such a torture to him to be so close to the man he secretly desired but being helpless as well feared to do something that was forbidden for a chantry brothers like himself. Thankfully for about fifteen minutes his body decided to choose sleep over passion and he could feel his eyes getting heavy. So, he closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep. He ignored the fact that he was sleeping in Hawke's arms and in Hawke's bed. For just one night he wanted to dream what it would be like if he was truly living together with Hawke and pushed aside his guilt to the Maker. For one night it was just his and Hawke.
As for Hawke, he could be sleeping well without nightmares that night. Hawke also felt secured and warm for once. But, when the morning came, what would happen next with both of them?
To be continue...
A/N : Please review, anybody? I need to know if I should continue this story or not. So, a little opinion,maybe? Thanks.