So Sexy It Hurts
Mass Effect 3, post Citadel DLC but otherwise no specific time. Let me just say that the gender neutral Shepard thing is already driving me nuts.
Shepard was pacing back and forth in front of the fish tank, obviously agitated, when the cabin door slid open. "Thanks for coming, EDI. I need you to help me figure something out."
"Of course, Shepard. What is the nature of your inquiry?" The AI pitched concern into her tone. The commander seemed genuinely disturbed. Her sensors picked up minor damage to the carpet fibers where Shepard had apparently been pacing for some time.
"I've been to Dr. Chakwas but she can't find anything wrong. Any changes. I've been splashed with a lot of different goop on missions lately. Do you read anything different about my... I don't know, my biochemistry or my pheromones or... can you detect anything different about me?" The commander ran a hand through already tousled hair.
"Scanning." EDI concentrated for .002 seconds. "I do not detect any anomalies in your results, Shepard, other than that your metabolic stress levels have sharply increased. Those levels have been rising since we left Earth and are cause for some concern. You should do something to relax."
"So you don't see anything that would cause the crew to suddenly change their behavior towards me? Nothing artificial? That can't be right."
EDI calculated the increase in speed of the commander's pacing at an average of twenty meters per minute. "Perhaps I am missing crucial context, Shepard. How has the behavior of the crew changed?"
"I'd rather not say. But whatever it is, it's affected a lot of people. Dr. Chakwas, Mordin and Joker are about the only people who haven't behaved... oddly." The commander dropped inelegantly to the couch, head and neck resting against the back of the furniture as if exhausted.
"Shepard, you know there are many aspects of human behavior that I do not understand. I cannot assist you without more information." EDI relied heavily on Shepard's intuitive grasp of the actions of the people they both worked with to assist her in improving her own ability to process and respond naturally to their teammates. Faced with an uncertain commander, the AI tasked a small percentage of her resources not currently devoted to operating the Normandy to calculate probable causes of...
"They've been... flirting. Alright? Friends I have known well for a long time, people I just met that I barely know. They've all been flirting. And I don't understand why! I haven't encouraged it, I've just been myself." The commander turned and lay down on the couch, voice full of frustration.
"Flirting? You mean they have initiated courtship rituals?"
Shepard's words were muffled by a throw pillow held over the facial area. "Yes. Exactly."
"This is not unexpected." The AI walked over to the couch.
The commander moved the pillow down far enough to look over at EDI. "What do you mean?"
EDI knelt beside the couch so it would be easier for the commander to look at her. "By human standards, Shepard, you are very attractive. I believe you are already aware of this. Due in part to your successful military career and in part to your own charisma, by the standards of most council species, you would also be considered a 'good catch'. Most people would consider your current situation to be flattering."
Shepard groaned. "I've never had so many people ... declare themselves at me before. Most of them even know I'm in a relationship. What the hell is going on?"
"The physiological and biological human reaction to life threatening situations is well documented, Shepard. Perhaps they feel an emotional connection to you or perhaps they simply desire to experience new and pleasurable things before the destruction of the galaxy. Experiencing Commander Shepard sexually would be quite the chunk taken out of bed."
"What?" That made no sense. Ah. "I think you mean 'notch in the bedpost.' And it wouldn't be. I'm just a soldier. A soldier with a lot of scars and nightmares and, oh yeah, total personal responsibility for saving the entire galaxy. No pressure."
"You underestimate your appeal, Shepard. In fact, Jeff and I have recently been discussing expanding my erotic experiences with more untraditional activities. We would like you to participate with us in what is known by the human French culture as a menage a' trois. Are you familiar with this sexual activity?"
Shepard bolted upright on the couch, eyes wild and wide. "What!?"
"Just messing with you, Shepard."
Shepard laughed for 26.3 seconds while clutching the throw pillow, then reached over and patted her on the shoulder. "I know. Thanks, EDI."