A Mess for the Ages
There are perhaps three things in this world that Clint Barton, Hawkeye, was truly afraid of. As a general rule there was very little that would shake him. Very little, that is, aside from Natasha Romanoff. Natasha, especially angry Natasha, really freaked him out.
In his defense though, an angry Natasha Romanoff would (and had) frightened far more iron-willed men than Clint.
Too bad no one had told Steve that.
And that, dear readers, is how the Avengers; Earth's mightiest heroes, ended up yet again with a highly dangerous and extraordinarily livid Black Widow staring them down.
That's all in the future though, let's begin again shall we?
It was a normal day at Stark Tower.
. . .
Sorry, didn't think that sentence through...
It was a day at Stark Tower.
Tony and Bruce were, "conducting important science experiments," in the lab. Translation: Tony and Bruce were blowing stuff up in Candy Land. Clint was testing out a few of his newest trick arrows in one of the indestructible rooms. Thor was attempting to figure out Nyan Cat. Rather, he was attempting to figure out, "HOW DID THE BIFROST ATTACH ITSELF TO SUCH A VESSAL, AND WHAT MANNER OF CREATURE MAY BE BOTH SO LOVABLE YET SO INFURIATING?!"
Or something like that.
Natasha was training. Which, for her, meant that she was beating the living day lights out of everything near her. Tough though she may be however; she was not the one who was about to make the biggest mistake since Voldemort decided to pick on Harry Potter. Nor was she the one about to commit the greatest error since the Trojans thought, 'Hey, a giant wooden horse, what could possibly go wrong?'. The one about to have the worst idea since America thought they could have their own version of Sherlock.
Steve was throwing Natasha Romanoff a surprise birthday party.
The last time someone had done that, it ended in five broken ribs, seven head injuries and dozens of minor cuts and bruises; and that was before they even had cake.
So, bad idea.
But Steve didn't know that. Clint did, but as was said, he was downstairs, blowing stuff up. So Steve began to prepare. He had no idea what day it was on, (that would involve looking in her file, and that would be an absolute invasion of privacy) so he decided to hold it the next day. He began by getting the rest of the team on board.
He set of down to the lab where he was met by two extremely charred geniuses. When he explained his idea they agreed to help him. That is, right after Tony stopped giggling helplessly and picked himself up from off the ground.
That should have been Steve's first clue.
Next, they pried Thor away from the computer before he broke it. He was greatly excited that they would be doing something that-he assumed-would make 'Lady Natasha' happy.
Finally, they asked Clint for his assistance in their deception. He looked very serious for a few moments before grinning.
That should have been Steve's second clue.
For unbeknownst to the team, but knownst to Clint, Natasha had an EXTREME DISLIKE FOR SURPRISES AND IF YOU TRY AND PULL THAT AGAIN, CLINT, I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE-
At least, that's what she had said last time. Maybe she'd changed her mind.
Maybe, but Clint doubted it.
At any rate, they were all agreed; they would hold a surprise party for Natasha Romanoff, one of the most dangerous women on the world.
What could possibly go wrong?
They began with the cake. Tony was all for ordering one from the local bakery, but he was overruled by the decision to make one themselves.
Oh dear.
They decided to make it from scratch.
Oh dear.
Clint and Bruce, being the only ones who had ever cooked anything other than meat, Kraft Dinner or coffee before, were named Head Cooks, and given free reign.
When the black smoke had drifted away, the thing they were calling a cake was left behind. Should you wish to picture it, think of a paper mâché balloon, run over by a steam roller, grilled for far to long and then smeared in fluorescent pink icing. You don't even want to think about what the kitchen looked like.
Having 'successfully' completed the cake, they went shopping for presents. You'll find out what they got later.
The last step was to plan what they would do with Natasha the next day. Clint volunteered to take her off everyone's hands. They all agreed and went to sleep.
*The Next Day*
"NAAAAAATTTTTTTTT," Clint's booming voice echoed down the hallway. He leaned against Natasha's doorway. Natasha awoke groggily and threw a pillow at the smiling face of her partner. He ducked just in time and smiled wider.
"Come on, you said you owed me one after I saved you from having to go to that wedding. We're going to the Star Wars marathon at the movie theatre!"
Natasha threw another pillow at the grinning assassin and slammed the door, yelling something about being out in five minutes. Clint continued to smile and waited for her to emerge. When she finally made an appearance, he grabbed her arm and ran to the elevator bellowing, "THE FORCE IS STRONG IN THIS ONE."
Natasha couldn't help smiling at the antics of the usually stern-faced Hawkeye. That's about when she thought something might be up.
Well, at any rate, she spent the next seven hours or so listening to Clint mouth along to the dialogue of the movies. When he wasn't doing that, he attempted to put his arm around her. He was unsuccessful until about halfway through Return of the Jedi. That's about when she gave up and leaned against him. He grinned when she began mouthing the dialogue along with him. It was an adorable moment.
To bad she was going to kill him when this was over. Oh well, enjoy the moment Clint.
When it was finally over Natasha leaned over and kissed Clint. She looked quite happy. That would be over soon.
They stopped for some gelato before they went back to the Tower. By this point, Natasha was so suspicious she couldn't help expecting something to explode. When nothing did, she relaxed. A little.
They finally got back to Stark Tower and spent a very tense time riding up the elevator. Clint was expecting death and Natasha was expecting about the same.
What they got instead was an empty living room.
And then the Avengers burst forth from behind furniture.
Natasha's immediate response was to start beating things up, but Clint grabbed her and pinned her arms at her sides before she was able to maim anyone to seriously. The. Something weird happened. Natasha took in the mess she assumed was supposed to be a cake, looked at the haphazardly placed presents and the grinning faces of her teammates and she started laughing.
While everyone else assumed that she was going into hysterics, Clint knew that she was thinking how different this was from her last birthday party. Truth be told, he found it quite funny himself.
Natasha sobered up and thanked everyone for being so thoughtful. That's about when the presents were forced upon her.
Oh dear.
Steve, (having never shopped for a woman before) had gotten her the first thing he saw in the women's department. So Natasha got a lovely pair of pink socks. BRIGHT PINK.
She thanked him politely and made an internal note to never be seen in public with them on.
Thor had made her a traditional Asgardian warrior garment. Natasha wasn't so sure, but it looked an awful like the lid of a pot with some spoons attached to it. She thanked him all the same.
Bruce had been very clever. He had made her a coupon book that included such things as, 'Get Tony out of you hair for a day, ' or, 'Redeem for a day of no explosions,' that sort of thing. Natasha grinned and decided not to think of how Bruce would get Tony out of her hair. It was safer that way.
Tony's gift is not suitable to be written here. Suffice to say, Natasha was not particularly fond of him for the next few weeks.
Finally, it was time for Clint to give her his present. He handed it to her and waited quietly until she opened it. He had given her a tiny little box, wrapped up in the Saturday morning comics. Natasha unwrapped it carefully and slowly opened the box. Nestled in the centre was a plain silver ring. Natasha and Clint made eye contact. The rest of the team stared at it, mouths agape.
The first one to break the silence was, of course, Tony.
"Does this mean I'm off the hook then?"
Bruce whacked him upside the head.
Natasha walked to Clint. She leaned in. She batted her eyelashes.
And punched him.
"What, I don't get a fancy proposal?"
"Is that a yes?"
"Of course it is, idiot!"
THE END..