«Yes, No, Maybe»
Chapter 2: In the Shape of Longing.
NOTE: I do own Sayanara's permission to keep on writing/posting my story despite the similarities between our fics, we both are totally OK with each other and we have discussed our issues in private, as it should be. Thanks.
April 1st, 2001.
—
Papa had always been a strange man, you see. Mama once told her that the day that she was born, on a rainy morning of July 1, he accidentally almost drop her when he held her for the first time because his hands couldn't stop shaking. She also told her that he passed out during the birth, but Touka hadn't been able to confirm that fact since Papa always managed to meticulously deny everything with a polite smile and a "Hikari, please" that made Touka narrow her eyes and know that he was lying.
He was a terrible liar, too.
He liked to cook, even if he was terrible at it — like that one time when he made Mama a coffee and got the wrong bottle, adding salt instead of sugar — and he also liked to fix things, whenever something was broken in the house — like that chair in where Touka used to swing until the leg started to crack — he was ready to offer his poor and shaky hands so that they wouldn't have to spend money on someone to come over. One day, he caused a blackout while trying to fix something in the backyard. Mama got really mad because of that. If Touka remembered correctly, she made him sleep on the couch for almost a week.
Even today, on their first day of school, he was acting like a weirdo.
And Touka loved it.
"Okay, okay!" he yelled, grabbing the camera and standing in front of Touka and Ayato, both dressed in their school uniforms and carrying their backpacks. "At the count of three, scream rabbit. One, two, three!"
"Rabbit!"
A flash of light splashed against their faces, making Ayato scream like a baby. Touka giggled, staring at the way Papa kneeled on the floor, grabbing the tiny picture from his Polaroid camera and waiting for the image to develop. He was sweating, and his hands were shaking too, blowing at the picture and gasping loudly once the image was slowly revealing itself, showing the cute portrait of Touka smiling brightly and Ayato holding back his tears, terrified to start his first day of kindergarten at the age of three.
"O-Oh my god," he gasped, putting the camera down and covering his mouth while looking at the picture. "I can't believe this is actually happening. Hikari, I'm not ready."
"You better be!" Mama's voice came from the kitchen.
Arata sighed, staring at the picture one last time before crawling towards Touka and Ayato, both standing in front of the main door.
"Okay," he fixed Touka's hair, adjusting her rabbit hairpin. "Touka, baby, let's review what we've discussed, alright? Remember, if someone appears offering you candies and telling you to follow them, what do you have to do?"
Touka gave her father a serious and solemn expression.
"I have to tell them to go fuck themselves."
Arata's face was a poem. He gasped, very loud, and his eyes stared at her for long seconds until he actually understood the words that came out of her mouth. He grabbed his head, shocked and horrified.
"W-Wha — N-No! God, no, Touka! You — you don't — never say those words! Those are evil words, we don't say that!"
Touka's tiny eyebrows wrinkled in the most innocent confusion.
"B-But… Mama told me that I have to tell them to go fuck themse — "
Arata turned around, sighing dramatically.
"Hikari!"
Mama's crazy laughter shook the entire world around them, like the thunderous scream of an earthquake. She had that gift, that power to shake your heart for no reason at all and break every single wall around you, every mask you would try to put on your face to hide your flaws, your fears, your anger. You couldn't lie to Mama. Never. It was impossible. One look, just one look into your eyes, and Mama would know all your secrets. All of them.
She came out of the kitchen with a beaming smile, holding in her hands the lunchbox that she was preparing for Touka.
"Here, give me your backpack," she said, kneeling on the ground too and showing her the inside of the box. There were rabbit shaped carrots on top of the rice. Touka smiled brightly at the detail, and Hikari smiled back. She closed the box, hiding it inside her backpack.
"Why don't I have one?" Ayato asked, lips pursed and holding back his tears.
"Because," Hikari explained, closing Touka's backpack. "You'll start kindergarten, and it'll be just a few hours while Touka will stay in school past midday and she has to eat there."
Arata sighed, shaking his head and looking both annoyed and worried.
"J-Just let's go back to the plan!" he complained. He took Touka's tiny shoulders, trying to make her focus on his words. "Listen, Touka. If a stranger wants to take you somewhere else, you have to run, okay? Run as fast as you can until you find a woman with children. And please, please, don't lose your brother! Grab his hand all the time, and don't let him go! Make sure he's always beside you, and remember to look at both sides of the street before crossing, and don't c — "
Hikari rolled her eyes, gently slapping his shoulder.
"God, Arata, calm down. You're going to scare her, they'll be fine. The school is just a few blocks away."
"B-But it's their first time going on a trip alone! What if they get lost, or what if — "
"They won't be completely alone. Touka, you told me Haise and Kaneki are coming with you, right?"
Touka nodded, smiling.
"And I have my hair pin for good luck, Papa," she said, smiling at her dad as her fingers touched the rabbit on her hair. "It will protect us."
Arata stared at her for a moment, trying to hold his dramatic tears and after releasing a tired sigh, he leaned down and held his children firmly against his chest, his last goodbye. Papa could be really dramatic sometimes.
"Please take care. Ayato, listen to your sister, okay? Do what she says, and don't pat any animal around, you don't know if it's dangerous or — "
"Arata," for the tone of her voice, Touka knew this was Mama's last warning.
"Okay, okay! I'm done. You're free to go now." Arata set them free, getting up from the ground and holding his chest with both hands, right where his heart was.
However, Ayato seemed to be as sensitive as his father.
"I-I d-don't want t-to g-go," he sobbed, hiding his face in his arm.
"It's going to be fun, Ayato!" Hikari encouraged, smiling brightly and brushing Ayato's hair. "It will only be three hours and I'll be there to pick you up, I'll buy you some ice cream on the way home, okay?"
Ayato nodded, but continued with the sobbing.
"Okay, let's go! It's getting late," Hikari fixed Ayato's shirt, adjusted Touka's blue skirt and opened the door so the three could walk out of the house.
Touka looked at the sky, smelling the sweet fragrance of the flowers that Mama had at the entrance and adjusted her backpack with a little jump. Every first day could be frightening, but Touka was more than ready to have her first trip alone, and Mama seemed to be as excited as she was. She felt her arms pull her towards her body, hugging her strongly as her lips scattered kisses on her neck, prompting childish giggles out of her.
"I love you," she said, and then pulled away, cupping her face in her warm hands and looking at her straight in the eyes. She held her cheeks for long seconds, stared at her with graceful eyes. Spoke to her in hushed whispers, solely for her. "Have a great first day of school, sweetie. Make lots of friends."
Touka smiled, nodding in between Mama's hands.
"I promise."
Mama let her go, blurting out a heavy sigh and moving closer to Arata, resting her cheek on his shoulder and staring at the way Touka grabbed Ayato's hand, pulling him out towards the street and turned around one last time to say goodbye. Touka smiled brightly, euphorically waving her hand at her parents while Ayato's lips sobbed Hikari's name, until both resumed their path and their silhouettes got lost in the distance.
"They grow fast, don't they?" Hikari whispered, a wave of sadness pulsing in her being.
Arata sighed, nodding softly.
"They do."
—o—
Ayato stopped sobbing once they arrived at Haise's house.
It was only a few blocks away and the farthest place from home she'd ever been before without Mama or Papa. It was a pretty house, with green roofs and a black fence, but looks sometimes could be very deceiving. Touka held Ayato's hand firmly to help him climb the two first steps of the entrance, one by one, until they arrived at the door and Touka knocked three times.
She could already hear the strong voice of Mrs. Rieko screaming something at Kaneki from the other side. Now, why Kaneki? Touka didn't even bother to find an answer to that, for there was no answer at all. Somehow, it was always Kaneki. The door cracked open and a tired Haise showed up with huge bags under his eyes, and Touka gigged at the sight. Did his mom wake him up too early? Mama never used to wake her up that early even with Papa's complaints, she would always let her sleep five minutes more and go to bed a little too late — she also allowed her to eat cake at lunch sometimes, but that had to be when Papa was working, otherwise he would start lying about that ugly worm that lived in her tummy for eating too many sweets — but deep inside she felt that this wasn't the case. Haise looked very, very tired.
"Hi!" she greeted, smiling brightly. "Are you ready?"
He nodded, sighing and opening the door a little more.
"Yeah, just wait a minute."
He turned around, getting lost inside his house as Rieko's voice increased its volume. She wasn't screaming that loudly, but it was loud enough for Ayato to squeeze Touka's hand more firmly, walking backward to hide behind her back, peering over her shoulder.
"A-Aneki," he muttered in a low tone.
Touka grimaced, squeezing back.
"It's okay," she reassured, narrowing her eyes a little to get a better view of the house.
Haise's younger brothers, Kuroneki and Shironeki, were both crying on the floor, fighting over the same toy. Rieko walked towards them, very angry, and ripped the toy from their hands to throw it away somewhere. For a moment Touka thought that Rieko was crying too.
"Stop, stop crying!" she yelled, grabbing her face in frustration. "Haise, please, do something!"
She saw him coming to his brothers to gather a bunch of toys from the ground and place them on their laps, stopping their cries and calming them down a little. In the meantime, Kaneki was nowhere to be seen.
"I called the aunt, she's coming over to help you," Haise explained in a soft voice.
"I told you to call your stupid father, not my sister," Rieko complained.
"He didn't answer. Mom, please, sit down until she comes, we have to go to school."
"I know, I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Haise."
"Mom…"
"I didn't even prepare your lunch, I'm so sorry…"
"It's okay, I woke up early and did it."
"You did?"
"Yes, mom."
"God, you're such a good boy. You're so good, I'm sorry."
This was Touka's first day of school, but she was aware that this wasn't Haise and Kaneki's first day. They were older than her. Kaneki had started school last year, and Haise had nine, which meant he had been in school for a while now. But Touka couldn't help wondering, was it always this way? Did he have to prepare his own lunch box every single morning? Touka didn't have to prepare her own, Mama did it for her, Touka didn't even know how to make rice! How could Haise do all those things by himself? Wasn't he scared? That's why he looked so tired? Because he had to wake up even earlier than her to prepare his lunch, his backpack, and feed his younger brothers?
Touka didn't notice Haise's mom realizing that she was there at the entrance, standing quiet and holding Ayato's hand firmly. She smiled sadly but softly, waving her hand in her direction.
"Hello, sweetie. Sorry, I didn't know you were there."
Touka smiled awkwardly in response.
"Hi," she simply said.
"Okay, we're leaving, Mom," Haise announced, putting on his backpack and heading towards the door. Touka backed down a little. "Kaneki, come on!"
Rieko nodded, sighing tiredly.
"Yes, have a nice day. I… I'll make your lunch tomorrow, I promise."
"It's okay, Mom."
Touka blinked at the sound of a door being shouted down firmly, and her little heart squeezed tightly, anticipating the arrival of Haise's younger brother. Even before he started to walk down the stairs with a serious expression, Touka knew that it was him. You see, Kaneki was a strange child. He could be extremely noiseless, speak with a voice that only a few were able to understand, walk around the world with a shadow on his back that would hide him from the gods themselves, he was an expert when it came to going unnoticed, but he was also full of hidden peculiarities, details that only could be spotted if you were smart enough to see. For example: shouting doors too loudly. Kaneki wasn't gentle about it, he would slam every damn door with no shame at all as if he was trying to make himself heard; show the world that he existed, that he was there. I'm here, I exist, look at me.
He would also kick chairs when he was angry, and chew gum way too loudly. He was tough while playing games and liked to cheat a lot, but Touka was always able to tell when he was being dishonest. At the age of six, Touka seemed to know a lot about him.
Kaneki crossed the living room without looking at his mother, without saying goodbye to his brothers. Before Rieko could even part her lips to say something, anything at all, Kaneki had already slammed the door shut, forcing Ayato to give a little jump behind her, scared at the harsh sound.
For an instant, Kaneki's eyes met hers.
But then he pulled his gaze away, adjusting the backpack on his shoulders and starting to walk away from them, ready to take the pathway to school. With a heavy sigh and an annoyed expression in Haise's face at the way Kaneki had slammed the door, he started to follow suit, and Touka knew she had to do the same.
"Aneki," Ayato whispered as they started walking down the streets. "Why was she screaming?"
Touka gave him an alarmed look.
"Shh!" then, she let him go, rapidly walking towards Kaneki until both were walking side by side.
Ayato screamed, scared.
"Dad told you to not let me go!"
Touka ignored him. She stared at Kaneki, looking bored and silent, not even trying to start a conversation. She tried to grab his arm, enclosing her fingers on his wrist.
"Are you — "
"A-Ah!" Kaneki moaned, pulling his arm away and grabbing his wrist with a weird expression on his face. Touka frowned, confused, drawing her eyes to his wrist.
Under the white sleeve of his uniform, she saw purple on his skin. Were those… bruises? Like the ones she would get at the park by trying to climb that huge tree that Papa always told her to stay away from?
"What happened to y — "
"Nothing," he quickly replied, covering the purple spot with his sleeve and hiding his hands in his pockets.
Who… did that to him? Did he also get that bruise by playing roughly? It wouldn't be the first time. Touka had many bruises because of him. He wasn't gentle when playing with her, and couldn't care less if she was a girl — if he had to push her in order to win the game, he would do it. It didn't matter, anyway, since Touka used to do the same with him. Papa had to always remind her to be gentle while playing with Ayato, and it wasn't an easy thing to accomplish. Haise, on the other hand, always treated her like a lady. Offering his hand to her to help her come down the stairs or open the door for her. He was what her mother used to call, a gentlemen.
Touka sighed.
"Will you sit with me at lunch?" she asked Kaneki, hoping that he would say yes. She had no friends, and to be honest, she was a little scared of sitting completely by herself.
He gave her a weird look. Her suggestion seemed to horrify him.
"No. I'm sitting with Hide."
"So what? I'll sit with you two."
Kaneki frowned with anger.
"Don't! Go sit somewhere else, you're always trying to steal Hide away, he's my friend."
"He's my friend too!"
"He was my friend first. Find someone else."
Touka groaned, rolling her eyes in annoyance as she turned around to where Haise was, walking a few steps back alongside Ayato. She waited for him to come closer, looking up at him. He was very tall, and due to the fluffy texture of his hair, his head seemed to be way bigger than the rest of his body.
"Haise," she complained. "Can I sit with you at lunch?"
He nodded, delivering a sweet smile.
"Sure."
Kaneki turned around to give her an irritated gaze.
Touka stuck out her tongue at him in response.
—o—
The first friend she made was named Yoriko.
It was also her first day of school, and she had been extremely shy to even approach to other kids until Touka felt bad for her and sat by her side just when she was opening her lunch box. Touka didn't want to be rude, but the real reason for why she sat by her side was because she saw a piece of chocolate cake in the box. Touka asked her about it, Yoriko told her that her mom made it, she offered her a bite, and after exchanging meals and showing her the bunny-shaped carrots from her own box, it only took a smile and a do you want to be my friend? from Yoriko so both could become inseparable.
They spent the rest of the day in school together until it was time to leave and Yoriko promised her to bring extra cake tomorrow, telling her that her mom would be very happy to know that Touka liked it. They said goodbye when Yoriko's dad came to pick her up on his bike and Touka left school with Haise, Kaneki and Hide. They chatted about the first day, laughed when Hide told them about the joke he made to the professor and talked about how pretty Rize was, a girl that the three of them seemed to worship while Yoriko, her new best friend, seemed to have a very different opinion about her. She told Touka that Rize made fun of her that morning in the ladies room and Touka knew, since that first day, that she wouldn't like Rize at all. Ever.
They said goodbye to Hide when he left way to his house and after walking a few more blocks and crossing the bridge, Haise and Kaneki said goodbye to Touka and she walked her pathway to her house by giving little jumps, like a bunny. However, she started to run when her house appeared in the distance, Papa watering the plants at the entrance and sporting a sun hat. Touka smiled, running faster, desperate to arrive and tell him everything about her day.
"Papa!" she shouted. "Papa, I'm home!"
Arata looked around, gasping at the sound of his daughter crying out his name. His heart almost stopped, freezing inside his chest, and all the worries and fears he'd been carrying throughout the day vanished away when he spotted his little girl running towards him, smiling brightly with her huge backpack waving behind her back. He smiled back, holding back his tears of a proud father. Papa turned off the hose, throwing his hat to the ground and bent down to his knees to welcome her with open arms.
"Baby!" then, Touka's body collided against his chest and Arata took her in a firm embrace, laughing and lifting her up from the ground. He kissed her cheeks, making her giggle and caressing her hair. "God, I was so worried. Are you okay? How was your first day?"
Touka smiled, enclosing her arms around Papa's neck.
"I made a friend!"
"You did?" Arata exclaimed with excitement.
"Yes! Her name is Yoriko, she brought chocolate cake and told me she'll bring more tomorrow! For lunch!"
Arata laughed, kissing her forehead.
"Come on, let's get inside so you can tell me all about it."
And she did.
Talking with Papa was easy, so easy. He would always listen, never interrupting, and if sometimes you were feeling sad, he wouldn't say anything at all. Papa would just hold you against his chest, real tight, letting you feel his heartbeat. He wouldn't care if you dumped his shirt with your tears, or if he had to stay in that position for long hours. Papa would never stop holding you; like that one time when Ayato broke her favorite bunny plush and Touka locked herself up in the bathroom, not wanting to go out. After knocking the door three times, she let Papa in, and cried. He held her in his arms, stood there inside the bathroom for almost an hour and wiped every single tear.
That's how amazing Papa was.
And he stood silent for a long time, listening to her. They curled up on the couch, he told her that they had to stay quiet since Mama was taking a nap with Ayato. Touka shared her day with him between whispers, the light of the lamp in the living room making his eyes look even softer. She told him about Yoriko, about this girl named Rize, about how much she loved Yoriko's cake, about how exciting it had been to go to school on her own. Touka told him everything.
And she also told him about Kaneki's mom.
"I'm sorry that you had to see that, sweetie," he whispered, twirling his fingers in her hair.
Touka's dark eyebrows came together.
"But," she complained, moving around on the couch to get a better view of Papa's face. "I don't understand. Why was she screaming like that? Mama never screams."
Arata sighed, trying to find the proper words.
"You see, honey, Mrs. Rieko is sick. Sometimes she can't realize that she's screaming that way."
Sick?
"Does she have the flu?"
Papa smiled kindly at her innocence, shaking his head and taking Touka's hand, playing with her fingers.
"Not that kind of sick. It's more complicated. It… affects her emotions, sometimes she's very sad, and can't do anything about it."
Touka stood quietly for a while, trying to understand Papa's words.
"Is that why Kaneki's wrist was purple? Because his mom was sad?"
A hint of sadness crossed Arata's eyes. Slowly, Touka raised a hand to his cheek, holding his face and sighing at the way Papa grabbed her hand, held it there, and sweetly pressed a kiss on her fingers.
"Yes, probably," he just said.
Touka bowed her gaze, lamenting.
"I… I wish I could do something to help him. He looked very sad, and I think his wrist ached a lot. And Haise's eyes looked so tired today that he looked like a panda. B-But I don't know what to do."
Arata sighed, stroking her hair.
"Just be their friend, baby. Be there for them if they need you. You know when you are sad, and I'm always here for you?" Arata asked, and Touka nodded, unable to forget Papa's kindness during those dark times. "Then you should do the same for them. If they need someone to talk to, let them know that you will help them. Draw something for Kaneki, I'm sure that it will make him feel better."
A… drawing?
Touka thought about it for a second, and then her eyes brightened with a silly idea.
"Papa, can I go to Kaneki's house?"
He grimaced, unsure.
"T-Touka…"
She sat on the couch, wrinkling her face with a plea and tugging at his arm.
"Please! Just for a little. I'll come back before it gets dark, just to give him the drawing. Please! I promise I won't stay long!"
Arata stared at her for a moment, sighing. Despite his responsibility as a father, he was unable to deny something to her. Not when she pleaded like that, frowning and biting her lip and looking at him with those huge eyes that were his damnation.
He nodded.
"Okay," Touka smiled brightly, ready to say something else, but Arata hushed her with a serious look. "But be here before the sun sets, okay? Otherwise, I will go and pick you up."
"Okay, Papa."
—o—
Touka knocked on the door three times.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
She waited, holding her drawing firmly against her chest, turning around slightly to stare at the sun finding refuge behind a tree, the light raining upon her face through the small branches and making her blink repeatedly. She smiled.
The door cracked open and Touka turned around, unsure of what to expect.
To her surprise, Mrs. Rieko was the one who opened the door, and she looked way much better than how she did this morning. Her eyes didn't look tired, and she was carrying Kuroneki in her arms, the little baby fisting a lock of her hair and carrying it to his mouth. Mrs. Rieko smiled down at Touka with sweet eyes, just as sweet as the eyes of her own Papa.
"Oh, Hi, Touka-chan," she greeted.
Touka smiled back.
"Hi Mrs. Rieko. Hi Kuroneki," she leaned to hold Kuroneki's hand, and Rieko blurted out a giggle when the baby grabbed her finger, squeezing it tightly. Touka looked up at her. "Is Kaneki home? I drew something for him."
Rieko's brows arched slightly, almost surprised by her confession.
"Oh, that's very sweet of you, Touka-chan. I'm sure he will like it. He's in his room, come in."
Rieko moved to one side to let her in, and Touka took off her shoes at the entrance. After saying goodbye one last time, Touka ran upstairs way to Kaneki's room that was at the end of the hallway. Without a word, Touka opened the door to his room and shut it down firmly behind her, just like Kaneki always used to do. She hadn't been here more than two times, since Papa didn't really like the idea of Touka spending too much time in Rieko's house, witnessing things that she shouldn't see. They would often reunite in Touka's house, or at the park, or any other public place that they could find. However, Kaneki's room looked exactly like she remembered.
A huge mess of toys scattered all around the floor, dirty clothes piled up on a chair, mountains of books blocking the way and making it almost impossible for you to walk freely. Some old posters of horror movies decorating the walls and a dissected centipede hanging on a frame, along with another bunch of weird insects that were fascinating to watch.
Kaneki was lying on his bed, reading a book, but stopped for a moment to drive his eyes away from his reading and set them on the intrusive. He gave her a weird glance as she started to walk towards the bed.
"Touka?" he said, frowning in confusion. "What are you doing here?"
Touka climbed up the bed with a little jump and lied down beside him, delivering him the piece of paper she'd been holding against her chest the entire time.
"I drew something for you."
His face was a poem. He took the paper, doubtful, and Touka snatched the book that he was reading out of his hands, giving it a look.
"What are you reading?"
"U-Uh, Peter Pan."
"Oh!" she exclaimed, smiling. "I like this book. We should play Peter Pan someday. You could be Peter, and I could be Wendy."
Kaneki frowned, confused, as he started to open her drawing.
"But who would be Tinkerbell?"
"Haise," she replied, and heard his giggle into the air, amused. "And Kuroneki and Shiro can be The Lost Boys."
Kaneki didn't answer anything, and Touka realized that he was looking at her drawing. She closed the book and turned her head to peer at him, air slipping in between them as his eyes dwelled in the picture on the paper. He was frowning.
She blinked, studying him. His lips were closed, and his brows were slowly arching, a hint of confusion spreading through his features.
"I — I don't understand. What is this?" he asked.
Touka sighed, rolling her eyes. She leaned closer, pointing out at the drawing with her middle finger.
"This is you, riding a bike, and this is me, with a rabbit on my feet. And this is a sheep, behind you, your favorite animal. And this is the sun and a tree. The sun is green because I ran out of yellow, sorry."
Kaneki frowned even more, then looked at her, staring at her face as if she was crazy.
"Sheeps aren't my favorite animals, stupid," he complained. "My favorite animals are goats."
Touka groaned, burying her face in the pillow.
"Whatever, idiot! It's the same thing. Just… don't treat it like trash, and keep it safe. It was hard to make."
"Yeah, whatever," he replied, placing the drawing on top of his nightstand. "But, why did you drew that for me?"
She sighed, getting herself comfortable on the bed.
"So you would feel better. Does your wrist still hurt?"
Kaneki looked down at the mention of his wrist.
"N-No… it's fine."
If they need someone to talk to, let them know that you will help them.
Papa's words still reverberated inside her chest. Touka frowned softly, still unable to understand the reality of it all, the cruel world of adulthood.
"Your Mama did that to you?" she asked, unsure if he would give her an answer.
She blinked at him, waiting, and waiting, staring at the way his fingers would slightly touch his wrist, as if tracing the lines of a map that tell a horrible story, a story that made him sad, not like Peter Pan. How wonderful would it be to travel to Neverland, and never grow up, never have to carry the burden of adults upon you? Touka wondered if that was the reason he was reading Peter Pan.
"Kaneki…"
"I hate her," he breathed, staring down at his hands.
Touka's heart ached, gave a little squeeze, one that wasn't nice like the ones she would feel every time she'd see him. It hurt. She didn't understand it, she was probably way too young to understand any of this, but she felt it. Right in her heart, stabbing her feelings, making her swallow and bit her lower lip in frustration.
"K-Kaneki — "
"I hate her," he repeated, frowning deeply. "She keeps promising me things. She told me that she would get better but she never did. I hid all her bottles under my bed so she wouldn't drink anymore, and I threw all her pills into the toilet… but she found out, and she got very angry."
Oh.
"B-But… " she started off, confused. "What about your Papa? You didn't tell him?"
Kaneki snorted, his eyes were getting redder.
"They're not together anymore, and he doesn't care."
How… how could a father not care about that? Touka was unable to understand. Papa would get mad a Mama sometimes if she was too harsh on her, if she would get moody and say things she shouldn't say. Papa would never let anybody hurt her. How could Kaneki's father not care at all about this?
"But… and Haise? He's always taking care of you and your brothers," she insisted, trying to find a solution.
A hint of pain washed over the small boy. That small, poor lonely boy. So fragile, so tiny, way shorter than Haise and way fragile than him. But he was also very strong too, for Touka couldn't understand how he was able to deal with all of this all by himself, with no father to turn to nor mother to understand him; Touka knew she couldn't, if she was in his place… she couldn't be able to do it. To do all the things that Haise had to do, to take care of his brothers and prepare lunch for them. She couldn't do the same for Ayato, she was way too young, and so it was Kaneki. Kid's lifes are filled with moments that spark like fireflies in the night, but they're also filled sorrow, and tragedies, and loneliness. And Kaneki was living one of them.
"He pretends like nothing ever happens," Kaneki whispered, and talking about his brother seemed to affect him more than talking about his own mother. "To avoid problems, he does everything she says. He doesn't want mom to get even with me, so he gives her the pills when she asks for them, and doesn't hide the bottles like I do. He's stupid, everyone here is stupid. I hate him, and I hate my mom, and my father, and my aunt, I hate everyone. I just like Hide."
She knew, deep inside, that he was lying. Still, she didn't try to contradict him. She stood quiet, like her Papa would, and asked a different question.
"Do you hate me too?"
Her inquisitive took him by surprise. Kaneki blinked a couple times, slightly forgetting his hateful speech, and turned around his face to look at her. Touka-chan was staring at him attentively, drawing her eyes to every corner of his face, trying to find the slightest hint of hatred for her, but there was none. There wasn't, and there would never be. No matter how much time could pass, how much both could grow and turn into shitty adults just like Kaneki's mom; no matter how annoying she could be sometimes, always trying to steal Hide away from him. Even if both changed, he could never be able to hate her. Never.
"No," he simply replied, feeling weird. "I… I don't. You and Hide… you're both my friends. Like, special friends, not just… friends."
Touka nodded softly, incredibly relieved that he didn't hold that same feeling against her. With a sigh, Touka leaned a little closer, resting her cheek on his shoulder and reached out her hand to grab his, just like Papa would do when she was sad and wanted to cry.
"It's going to be okay," she said, not really understanding the meaning of those words, if they could actually change something for the better, if it really meant that things would truly, truly be okay. But it was something Papa used to say, and it always made her feel a little better.
Kaneki's body stiffened at the approach. He stood there, quiet as a statue, until Touka felt his hand squeeze hers. Then, she heard him sniff.
She squeezed his hand back.
—o—
Touka decided to return home before it was too late, just as Papa had warned her.
Just when she was about to leave, Rieko told Kaneki to escort her home since the streets were getting darker and colder. He didn't say anything, he just opened the door, and walked out of his house with Touka by his side, both wandering the lonely streets of Tokyo in silence, kicking at empty cans that were scattered all over the floor and challenging each other to see who would throw them further. After a while, when Kaneki realized that Touka was getting tired of walking, he stopped, kneeling on the ground. She stopped too, staring at him with curious eyes.
"What are you doing, dumbass?" she asked.
In the middle of the dark that was slowly rising—Papa was going to get mad at her for returning so late— she swore that Kaneki's lips gave a faint smirk.
"I'll carry you piggyback," he replied, waiting for her to get on his back. "Come on."
"But… I'm heavy."
"I'm strong. Come on! It'll be faster."
After thinking about it for a second, Touka gave in. She climbed onto his back, enclosing her tiny arms around his neck and struggling to find some balance, but Kaneki was right, he was very strong. He started to run, and during the short period of time that was left until they arrived at her house, the world was filled with their laughter. Kaneki wasn't a kid prone to laugh, not as much as Haise, who always had a smile on his face for every single occasion. It was hard to make Kaneki laugh, but that night… that night, he did.
He did, and Touka smiled at his neck, content with herself. The spicy fragrance of his shampoo caressing her face, a mix of green apples and eucalyptus. The sound of his giggles crashing into her being, the sunset dying the sky in a dark orange, everything about that day felt more than special. More than unique.
Papa will be proud of me, Touka thought. She turned Kaneki's sorrow into pure bliss, even for one night.
When they finally arrived at the entrance, Touka saw Mama's standing near the window, and smiling at them with an energetic wave of her hand. Both returned the gesture, and stood face to face to say goodbye.
"Are you feeling better now?" she asked.
He gave a quick nod.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Okay," she replied, and then, a silence. They stared at each other for a second.
"Are you coming to school tomorrow?" Kaneki asked.
Touka nodded.
"Yup. Can I sit with you guys at lunch?"
He groaned.
"Touka-chan…"
"Don't be an asshole!" she cursed, turning her hands into fists and frowning deeply, desperately wanting to be part of the boys. "I want to sit with you and Hide! And I have a new friend, her name is Yoriko, we can all sit together."
Kaneki sighed, annoyed.
"Fine, whatever."
"Okay."
"Alright," the boy said, lingering. There was a strange feeling within him, something pulling him down to stay there, and never leave.
"Well, see you tomorrow," she added, walking towards her house to open the door and give him one last glance. One last smile. "Goodbye, four-eyes."
Kaneki stuck out his middle finger at her.
They say goodbye after an awkward pause. Kaneki going back home, Touka getting lost inside her house. The warmth of their bodies lingers in between, spreading seeds as they part ways. They sink in the ground, being planted and slowly growing as they get ready to bloom.
—o—
Kaneki had gone to sleep very late that night, since something inside of him—a strange mix between weird butterflies in his tummy and his fervent desire to keep reading Peter Pan—kept him awake for long hours until his eyes had finally betrayed him, carrying his poor broken soul into the magic lands of Neverland. He was flying over the moon, caressing the stars with his fingertips, until a tender kiss on his cheek forced him to awake from his childish dreams.
It felt soft as a feather, warm as the sun of a summer morning. His eyelids slid open, blinking in confusion, and the sight of his mother staring down at him left him breathless.
"Sorry," she whispered. "Did I woke you?"
"M-Mom?" It took him a while to realize that the woman sitting on his bed in front of him was his mother. He wasn't dreaming, right? He had dreamed with his mother many times. Good dreams, bad dreams, but this time… it really was her. She must've got into his room after he fell asleep. "W-What… what happened?"
Rieko pushed his hair back softly, and dragged her hand from his shoulder to his little arm that was resting on his tummy. Her fingers stopped at his wrist, she was staring at his hands.
"Nothing," she simply replied, closing her eyes for a moment. Her fingers lingered in that place, his wrist. "I… I just wanted to see you."
Kaneki waited, still. Was she drunk? No, he could tell that she wasn't. She didn't stink, and her words wouldn't get stuck at the back of her tongue. She was sober, she was fine, and she was being nice to him.
"Mom…"
Rieko looked like she wanted to tear up.
"I…" she started, enclosing her fingers around his wrist, caressing it softly. "I've just been feeling awful after what happened last time. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have reacted that way. It wasn't your fault. I want you to know that, Kaneki."
Kaneki's eyes stared at his mom's hands caressing his wrist, his arm, the skin of his hand. When was the last time she did something like that? He was silent for a bit, until he heard his mom's sniff, and her hand traveled to her face in the middle of the darkness. Was she crying?
"You told me that you would stop drinking," he said in a whisper, unable to hold himself back.
Rieko nodded after a pause. "I know."
"But you didn't. You promised me, and you betrayed me."
"I know."
"You always say that you will get better but you never do. I…" Kaneki stopped, feeling his lungs ache with every single breath, swallowing a pain that was slowly growing bigger in his eyes. "I thought that if I threw away your meds you'd forget about them, and that you wouldn't need them anymore…"
She took his hand, holding back her tears.
"That's not... y-you just can't—"
"But why?" He insisted. "I can help you, I know I can. You could eat fruits instead, or more rice, or drink lots of water like Hide's mom did when she was trying to quit smoking."
Rieko smiled at his innocence, but the happiness didn't reach her eyes.
"She did that?"
"Yes," he insisted. "And it worked, I promise. Maybe you need to try too."
Kaneki studied his mother's expression, lifting up a hand to place it on her arm, doubtful.
She sighed, sniffing again.
"I just want you to be happy. You know that, don't you?" she placed a hand on his chest. "In here. All the bad things I do… they happen because my heart doesn't feel happy. My heart feels sad sometimes, but I don't want your heart to feel sad. I know that I don't help with that, but I promise you that I will. I'll get better, Kaneki. I'll try my best, and things will be alright again. I'll drink a lot of water, like Hide's mom. And I'll prepare your lunch every day so Haise won't have to wake up so early anymore. I promise you. Just wait for me. Give me some time, and Mom will get better again."
Kaneki's eyes filled with tiny tears that he tried to hold back to not make his mom unhappy, to not make her heart cry again. He had to be strong, just like Haise. That was the only way for his mother to get better again.
"Do you promise me?"
Rieko blurted out a tiny sob, smiling at the same time. She reached out to him, pulling him closer until his ear was resting against her chest, feeling the beat of her heart, the sweet smell of her skin.
"I promise you, Kaneki. I really do."
She held him against her chest. He could feel his mother's steady heart pounding in his ear, and he nuzzled his face on her skin, locks of her hair falling upon his face and tickling his nose.
"I love you, mom."
He felt a kiss on her forehead.
"I love you too, my son."
Her arms enclosed him in a firm embrace, and for the very first time in months, Kaneki felt safe. There, in the arms of his own mother, Kaneki was loved.
Loved.