Chapter 2:
That was the last thing Blaine expected when he returned home. He figured he'd go to his room, do homework for two hours then eat dinner and watch TV. Now that plan was ruined. He walked in his house through the front door and saw his mother in the foyer talking to one of their maids. Dressed in a navy pencil skirt, a white and navy print blazer, and heels, she was about the same height as Blaine.
"Yes, but Gloria, these are not the flowers that I told you to get. I wanted lilacs, these are purple mums." She sighed in disbelief that someone of her staff made such a crucial mistake.
"Mrs. Anderson, lilacs bloom around springtime, I tried to acquire them for you but they were nowhere to be found. These look just as good!" Gloria was used to her behavior but there was still a slight drop of resentment in her voice.
"Fine Gloria, but just know that I'm not happy." She turned around to look at the rest of the foyer until she spotted Blaine standing there observing the exchange. "Hello son, how are you?" No physical demonstration of love, no "so happy to see you!" no "I missed you!" but then again, what was Blaine expecting?
"Hi mom, I'm well, thank you. What are you and dad doing home?" He asked, attempting to mirror his mothers disinterest and failing when his natural disposition to act eager and excited took over. "You usually call before you return from your trips."
Not even bothering to keep eye contact as she spoke, she picked up her bags, handed them to Gloria and responded, "Oh your father and I were feeling a bit tired from all the travelling so we decided to make our way home for the weekend. I'll be leaving Sunday night but I believe your father has a nice break between conferences so he'll be home for the week." Blaine grinded his teeth as his mother finished speaking. Great, now he'd have to deal with his father being home.
He moved to the office where he knew his father would be. There he was, dressed in a full suit, slate grey with black newly shined dress shoes, gelled down hair and a receding hairline. He was much taller than Blaine who had gotten his height from his mother. Blaine knocked on the glass door until his father recognized his presence.
"Come in son." He barely even bothered to lift his head to look at Blaine. He simply continued to tap away into his Blackberry then proceeded to become invested in his computer. A bear riding a tricycle could have walked in juggling milk cartons and his father wouldn't have known the difference.
"How are you, dad?" Blaine tried for normal conversation. "Mom told me you'll be home for the week."
If he'll be home for the week they might as well be civil. As Blaine took in his surroundings he noticed several things. One, his father had a name plate on his own desk at home; it read Richard Anderson, CEO. Additionally, he had some new technology with him-the newest iPad, a kindle, and a macbook air. With a mother working as a doctor and his father a CEO of a large corporation, they were extremely wealthy. But Blaine had never liked to show off how wealthy they were and it made him uncomfortable to talk about.
"Son, I'm busy, we can talk over dinner." He took a quick glance up at Blaine whose eyes became hard. "Also, tell your mother to arrange for you to get a haircut, those curls are getting ridiculous." Blaine turned around instantly; he wasn't in the mood for this. He hadn't seen his father since September 8th, his first day of junior year, and this is how he acts.
He runs a hand through his hair and jogs up the stairs back to his room. Although Blaine is an only child, their house has five bedrooms on the second floor and five more on the third. He'll never understand why that was necessary but he supposed that was just his father wanting to boast their money.
In his room, Blaine takes a seat on the red leather chair on the right side of his bed. There's no desk in his room, so that's where he usually does most of his studying. There's a small coffee table right next to it with an hourglass on top. Behind the hourglass is a lamp, so Blaine flicks it on and pulls over his backpack. AP Lit, AP US History, AP Chem and AP Calc homework, why the hell did he decide on so many college level classes? He figures he doesn't have much time to waste so he gets started.
He works hard for a good hour and a half, decides that it's okay to take a bit of a break. He plops down to his salmon and taupe bedspread, takes out his iPod from his sweatshirt pocket which he discarded of a while ago, places the headphones in his ears and puts it on shuffle.
I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.
I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
In true Blaine fashion, he goes back to analyzing the song along with how it relates to his life; it scares Blaine how much this song speaks to him. He feels like this; he feels like something is missing. He thinks he knows exactly what it is at the same moment the song tells him so.
When autumn comes, it doesn't ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.
He's so lonely. He's realizing that now. And he's also realizing that there's no way to not be lonely until he comes out. He is approached with this heavy need to tell the truth. To tell everybody that yeah, he likes boys, so what the fuck of it?
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
By the end of the song he's barely listening anymore. There's a weight on his heart and a simultaneous heavy pounding. He has to do it. The best place to start is with his parents, he figures. He knows in the back of his mind that this isn't going to go well, but he's come to the decision that he needs to do it. He wants to own up to himself and be the truthful, painfully honest person that he is. He can't 100% be that person if he's hiding under this fog. With his chest heaving up and down rapidly he makes a break for the stairs, walking briskly. He walks past the office, seeing his father inside. No way is he coming out to one parent at a time so he walks to the kitchen and asks his mother if she'd get his father.
"You don't want to disturb your father while he's working, Blaine. Please go back upstairs and I'll make sure Eric" their cook, "calls you through the intercom system when dinner is ready." She went back to looking at a catalogue of furniture and didn't seem to realize Blaine was still standing there until he cleared his throat.
"Blaine I told you to go back upstairs, I don't see what you don't understand."
"Mom this is really important, I hardly ever interrupt you or dad, but I really need to talk to you and it needs to be now." He's shaking by this point and his stomach is starting to feel uneasy. This always happens when Blaine gets nervous, he starts shaking uncontrollably and he feels like he's going to either throw up, pass out, or both. Finally he looks up to see his mother staring at him quizzically but she gets up and walks to the office.
Blaine could hear their muffled voices, and about 3 minutes later they both enter looking equally annoyed and bored. Now there might as well be a nuclear war going on in his stomach with how bad it hurts, but he has to ignore it because he needs to say what is in his head.
They're in the dining room - the room between the kitchen and the area of the foyer and office. Blaine doesn't trust his feet anymore to support him so he takes a seat and thankfully his parents follow his lead. He takes in a shaky breath and begins.
"So I've been thinking about myself a lot lately. About who I am and who I want to be and I came to a worrying conclusion. I've been lying a lot. I've been lying to my friends, I've been lying to myself, but most importantly, I've been lying to you." He figured if he tried to appease his parents as much as possible they'd be slightly more understanding. His approach might be somewhat circuitous but he had to think very hard about how to get this out the right way.
"You guys have worked so hard in your life to get where you are. You set goals for yourself and you became so successful." At this his parents chanced a stolen glance at each other, clearly confused at what Blaine was trying to say. He continued, his voice shaking slightly. "I aspire to be as self-assured as you two are, it's inspiring to me." He began to inadvertently squeeze his thumbs between his hands, becoming slick with cold sweat. "I know all you want is the best for me, and you want to me to have everything I want in life. You want me to get married, you want me to get a good job, and you want me to be happy. Well the only way I can do that is if I do it my way." This time he looked directly at his mother.
"I want to get married eventually, but I don't want a bride. I don't really ever want a girlfriend, as a matter of fact. The reason for that is…" he took a sharp deep breath, forcing himself to continue. "I'm gay. I like guys. It's been like this for a while and I'm just sick of hiding it every day. I'm sick of having to divert your conversations away from girls. I'm sick of making up excuses for why I don't have a girlfriend, or a date to the prom." He was rambling now and looking everywhere but his parents. "Getting this off my chest is the first step in getting somewhere real in my life. Owning up to myself starts with you guys. I just hope that you can respect that."
He finally steeled a look at his parents through his eye lashes. His mother had gone pale as a ghost and his father's face was very hard. He's not that great at reading facial expressions but from what he could tell they weren't exactly ready to walk on top of rainbows with him. His mother was the first to speak.
"I don't understand, we raised you right. We provided you with food, shelter, and a direct road to success. I just don't understand how this could have happened." Her voice was about an octave higher than normal. His father's voice, on the other hand, was low and sharp as a razor blade.
"Blaine I want you to go upstairs and think about the bullshit you just said to us, then come back downstairs and apologize. I won't tolerate this kind of irresponsible talking. Not when I know we raised you better than this. Homosexuality isn't okay, Blaine. Throughout your years as a child I thought we drilled that into your head well enough. We pointed out to you all the pretty girls that you should go after. We never even allowed you to get close to any boys because of the fact that we thought you might start swinging that way. Guess what, Blaine, we aren't wrong here. We aren't going to deal with your 'confusion', you're our only son and you'll do as we say. This is a choice, remember that. You decided this. This is your fault."
As unsurprised as Blaine was by this reaction, he couldn't help the hurt he felt because of his parents vitriolic words. It felt like a punch directly to his heart. It sped up to an even faster pace; he could feel his face getting red. He stayed his ground, however. He committed to telling them and he wasn't going to say that he was being foolish and that this whole thing is a joke. He put his hands on the table and looked back up at them.
"It's funny how you keep describing how you raised me. I wasn't raised by you. I was raised by empty rooms and broken promises. I was raised by maids and butlers and chauffeurs to school. I was raised with siblings named heartbreak, betrayal and innocence. You wouldn't know about that, though, you were never around to see it. Then you come home for one weekend and try to tell me I'm wrong? No, I've had enough of this to know that all you care about is money and your jobs. Don't even try to act like you don't." Their eyes told it all, they knew he was right, but just as he said; they were too cowardly to admit it.
He was shaking again, this time out of anger. "I'm your only son. I know you think that means that you need to make sure that I'm perfect, but to me, it means that you should love me nomatter what. I'm all you're getting so you should probably appreciate it. I'm sick of feeling like an unwanted puppy. I've avoided close friendships; I've avoided love because I was so afraid of what you would think. I came here to tell you about myself so that I could start to experience these kinds of things. Like any other normal teenage boy could. I'm not going to sit here and beg for your approval. So if you'll excuse me, I'll be going out for a walk"
Before his parents could open their mouths inprotest he was running upstairs to get a jacket, his iPod, phone and flashlight. He sprinted down the stairs, past his parents who were still sitting in the dining room, through the kitchen to grab a roll of bread and out through the kitchen door. It was dark outside but Blaine didn't care. He knew it would be dark considering it was 7:15; he just turned on the flashlight, put in his headphones and headed to the park again. He knew no one would be there that late; there was never any question about that. After using the park as an escape from being at home so many times throughout his life, he knew no one would be there.
Rage was bubbling in his chest as he thought about what had just occurred. He needed music. He needed music now.
Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...
Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
His father's voice continued to echo through his head "this is your fault" "this is a choice". He was so blinded by anger that he didn't notice he had passed a car as he stepped on the cold grass. It wasn't until he was standing in front of his favorite dip in the grass that he realized there was someone else there. In his dip, with a flashlight. The boy lying down opposite him looked up to Blaine.
Blue eyes locked with emerald and Blaine felt a shiver run through his spine; Blaine knew it wasn't from the cold.
A/N: Thanks so much again for reading! Reviews are always welcome! So yeah, there's Kurt! The first song is Something's Missing by John Mayer and the second song is Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons. I'd also like to thank bibliophile534 for being my awesome beta reader :D