Warning: Deals with major character death

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Katie

Since when am I anyone's caregiver? Especially in my own time of need? I just can't help but want to take care of Effy Stonem. I used to think she was perfect and untouchable but since I have discovered that she's not I feel the need to care for the fragile girl. Whether it was in college when she went through all the stuff her monster doctor and Freddie or getting her out of jail or supporting her after she lost her best friend; I've always needed to be there for her. For now she's safe and even though it's only nine in the morning I have some grieving of my own to do.

So after checking on her one more time making sure she's asleep I head to the nearest bar. I know she'll be asleep for a while; it was a late night for both of us and she was exhausted, so hopefully I'll be back before she gets up. Thank god that we're in London so it's easy to hail a cab and find a good bar where I can lose myself. Then I remember it's nine in the morning so I have to settle for a less than ideal pub, but that's okay with me I just need to get some alcohol in me already.

I walk into a poorly lit and dirty place that seems to have finally gotten rid of all its partiers from the night before. I walk right up to the bar and order straight whisky. One after another after another.

"Rough day?" asks the bartender who must be pretty bored since he's only serving me and an old homeless looking man sitting across the bar from me. Well instead of conversing with me he should clean up this pigsty a bit because I don't feel like talking. I just give him a grunt and tell him to pour another. He pours another and tries conversation again, "Well I'm Jack and if there's anything you want to talk about I'm all yours."

I again just grunt at him and continue drinking but I feel like I need something stronger. This alcohol isn't cutting it for me, my heart hurts and I need something to fix it. With no one else around to help I ask Jack, "Hey, you got anything on you that may be a little stronger than the alcohol?"

Instead of hearing Jack I hear the old man laugh and say "Only his cock sweetheart, this boy is a goody one who don't deal nofin," after making his comment he only laughs harder.

"Sorry, but he's right, well not about the cock part, but that I only serve alcohol. Nothing else. I can tell that it's been rough for you and I'm sorry but I'd like to help anyway that I can," I hear Jack say, he seems too nice to even be a bartender. He seems like one of the good guys.

"Yeah!? You're here to help?" I'm yelling now, I don't care that he's one of the good ones. "Why don't you cure my sister's stupid girlfriend of cancer so you can lift my sister's depression and keep her from killing herself? Oh yeah, you can't. It's already done. So if you want to help pour me some fucking alcohol or get me some fucking drugs!"

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear about that. I know it's rough right now bu-" Jack starts trying to console me but I don't want any of it.

"Don't even fucking go there. I don't want to hear about how it's going to get better and how you're sorry. My twin sister is dead. My best friend is dead. She killed herself. And now I have no one. So I don't want to hear about how it'll get better," I yell at him and throw down some cash and walk right out of that pub.

Somehow I make it back to Effy's flat, I'm drunk off my ass and can hardly stand but I make it inside only to have Effy consume me in a big hug.

"Oh my god Katie! I didn't know where you were. I was getting so worried. I tried calling Dom to help me search for you but he hates me and won't even talk to me. I was going to go out looking for you but I thought maybe you didn't want to be found. I was so scared I was going to lose you… again."

I've never heard Effy talk so much, she was just letting her thoughts flow from her brain to her mouth when they usually just stay in her brain. She sounded so scared and looked so small but at the same time she sounded relieved but it made me sad when she said the word "again." I hate what I did to her. I hate how much I hurt her. So I did the only thing I could think of to make it better, I kissed her.

At first she seemed to be in shock but no one can shock Effy Stonem for long and anyone who didn't know her so well wouldn't have realized the shock but I did. Effy started to kiss me back and I fell into her with ease. Just as I thought she was going to walk me back to the wall and passionately take control of me she did just the opposite. She stepped back and I almost collapsed to the floor without her support. Before I reached the ground she caught me and sat me down gently. She sat with me and I took my opportunity to jump on her again and start kissing her but she pulled away, "No."

"Effy please I want you," I whined.

"Katie you're drunk, if you were sober you wouldn't be doing this. You don't want me. You just want the pain to be taken away," those words sobered me up and sent me back three years ago…

Effy and I were at a club like usual. We spent a lot of time at clubs recently, I was supposed to be stronger and not let her go out and drink but she would finally act somewhat like her old self when we could dance and drink and do some drugs. Freddie dying really messed her up and after trying to kill herself and spending some time in the loony bin again she moved in with me.

At first I wouldn't even let her have a drop of alcohol let alone any other drug, she was only allowed to smoke cigarettes and I even joined in and went completely drug free to show my support for her. This didn't work. She was miserable and even on her meds she was constantly talking about suicide and how this is a better place without her. There's no one else in this world besides Emily that I would sympathize for when they're talking this way but I couldn't help but to try and make Effy feel better. I would tell her all the nice things in the world. Tell her how wonderful she is and how much we cherish her but she wasn't having it.

I felt defeated and one day gave in and started drinking. Effy was asleep and I thought there'd be no problems but I guess I forgot about the horrible nightmares she has so often. I heard her screaming and what else could I do but go to my best friend and try to comfort her. Well needless to say she smelt the alcohol and insisted on having some. Me not being in a clear mind to start with on top of having a very tough time not giving into Effy said yes of course. After that there was no coming back. That night she was so much happier and lighter that I had to continue to let her drink. As long as I monitored her she'd be alright yeah? After all I am her angel sent to keep her safe.

However, this particular night we both drank a little too much but Effy was having a blast and we were on the dance floor in our own little world. Effy is so free and beautiful when she dances. Don't get me wrong I'm not attracted to her, I'm not gay. But even I can admit that she's beautiful. She's so free and lovely. Effy had to use the bathroom so me watching this beauty had to be interrupted. We both went off to the bathroom where the unexpected happened.

We entered the bathroom and right away Effy pushed me against the wall, looked me in the eyes, told me how beautiful I am and how much she wanted me and she kissed me. For a moment I let her. I let Effy Stonem kiss me. And it was so wonderful I even began to kiss her back. Effy was so passionate and so needy. She kissed me so hard but her hands were so gentle. At first her hands were playing with my hair but then she brought them down more and more and before I knew it she began tugging at the bottom of my shirt, gently still, almost as if she was asking permission.

Permission that was denied. I pulled away from her. Away from the best kiss of my life. Away from the best I've ever felt because I couldn't actually be feeling this way. This was Effy. The girl who bashed my head in with a rock. More importantly a girl. So out of my own fear and horror I said no to the one thing that felt right. "Eff, you're drunk right now. You don't want me. You just want the pain to be taken away."

So at those words coming out of Effy's mouth I backed off, muttered an apology, clumsily got up, and stumbled off into a different room. Little did she know that I truly wanted her. Not just because I was drunk but because every part of me has always craved Effy ever since that kiss three years ago.

Author's Note: I wasn't going to continue this story but something told me I should. I don't know how many of you will return to read this after all this time. And if you have thank you! I hope I didn't make you too mad with killing Emily but it is part of the story for me. A story about Katie and Effy. I'm sure some of you may not want to continue after this and that's totally okay, thanks for giving it a chance! And those of you who may want to continue thank you guys so much and it shouldn't be another year until I update again.