Jaune wasn't sure how to feel about his current headmaster. Yes, the man held his future, and those of all the other Beacon students, in the palm of his hand, subject to his whim. But for the most part, Professor Ozpin just seemed to be aloof and detached from the rest of the school, occasionally giving advice here or a simple nudge there. Jaune had actually kind of respected the educator for his cryptic wisdom… until now.

It had started about two weeks ago when Jaune had been practicing by himself on the rooftops of the dorms. A momentary loss of balance and stray swing of the sword had accidently destroyed a part of the nearby wall revealing a miniature surveillance camera. Of course, Jaune, being the innocent and trusting person he was, immediately assumed the camera must have been a part of Beacon's security system. That was until he had found others… in the student lounge, the cafeteria, the library and their freaking dorms! When he had brought up the issue with Professor Goodwitch, the usually strict disciplinarian simply looked uncomfortably embarrassed and directed him towards Professor Ozpin.

Which of course was why he was here now…

"Hello, Mr. Arc. Please come in." Professor Ozpin told him as he slowly turned his swivel-chair around to face him. For some reason he was petting a platypus on his lap while sipping from a mug of coffee.

Jaune gulped nervously. Seriously, the headmaster looked like some James Bond villain like that. "Ummm… sir, I wanted to talk ab-"

"I already know why you here." Opzin interrupted. "You have come to voice your concerns about the cameras you had found around campus, have you not?"

"Yes sir," Jaune hedged. "Well… it's just that… I mean… It's a complete violation of our privacy sir!"

Ozpin looked at the blonde for a moment in surprise and laughed. "Mr. Arc, I assure you I had those surveillance equipment installed into the school with only the purest of intentions and my student's best interests in mind."

Jaune nodded absently. "Yes, sir I thought as much but… wait… you had those cameras installed!"

"Of course I did." Ozpin answered cheerfully.

Shocked, Jaune did his best to reply. "But… I mean… WHY?!"

Ozpin smiled benignly. "Mr. Arc, I assure you, those cameras are necessary tools to help humanity fight against the darkness that surrounds us. I would not have done it otherwise."

Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. He was glad his headmaster didn't turn out to be a pervert. In the outside world, Ozpin was one of the most well respected and veteran Hunters in Remnant. Jaune should have known better than to think he had installed cameras into his school to peep on his own students. "Of course sir, I should never have doubted you. You probably installed them to keep us safe against grimm… or evil ninjas."

"Don't be silly, Mr. Arc." Ozpin smiled warmly, "I installed those cameras because they helped me equip my students with a force far more powerful than dust. I wanted the students of Beacon to graduate with the power of love."

Jaune was certain he had misheard. "E-Excuse me?"

"You see Mr. Arc," Ozpin patiently explained. "Anyone who has ever read the Harry Potter books knows that the most powerful magic in the world is love. Thus by helping my student's find love here in Beacon and keeping track of their romantic progress with significant others, I have effectively given them a potent weapon to use in their battle against grimm, terrorists and loneliness."

Jaune watched as all of his preconceptions about Ozpin's wisdom and respectability shatter… much like one of those fragile glass figurines one would find on sale in the Vale market. "Sir, I don't think love is a physical force that can stop us from being mauled by a grimm. I also don't think that's a good reason to peep on someone's personal life."

"I understand your misgivings," Ozpin said, completely lying through his teeth, "so perhaps it is best to see me as an extremely capable wingman… or cupid without the inappropriately skimpy clothing. Either is fine."

"A voyeuristic and stalkerish cupid? That doesn't sound creepy at all." Jaune groused.

"I hardly think you should be saying such things, Mr. Arc." Ozpin warned him, "After all, it was your potential as a lover rather than a fighter that helped you get into Beacon despite your fake transcripts."

Jaune gasped. He knew. Ozpin gave him a pained look. "Honestly Jaune, 'the Vale Academy of Greenland'? Did you really think we wouldn't call your school to check your transcripts? How stupid did you think we were?"

"It seemed like a good idea at a time?" Jaune said in embarrassment.

"You do realize that even your fake school name spells out V.A.G don't you?" Ozpin asked him rhetorically. "And yet despite your clear lack of ability as a hunter, a student or even a good liar, we still accepted you into Beacon, one of the most prestigious academies in Vale. Do you know why?"

"Because of my aura reserves and my potential as a hunter?"

Ozpin burst out laughing. "Hahahahahahahahaha *snort* Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, dear Monty, I haven't laughed like that in a long time. Thank you, Mr. Arc, I needed that."

"It's great to be needed." Jaune replied sullenly.

"No, Mr. Arc. I accepted you into my school because I saw in your personality the potential to become the protagonist of a great romance-comedy." Ozpin paused and pursed his lips. "As a matter of fact, you have so much potential you could even evolve to become a harem protagonist."

Jaune stared at Ozpin in disbelief. "You accepted me into your school… despite knowing full-well my transcripts were fake… because you thought my love life would be funny!"

"Well when you say it like that, it makes me sound a little boorish." Ozpin admitted.

"I was looking for a word a lot stronger than boorish." Jaune replied.

Ozpin pouted. "And after all that trouble I went through to get you paired up with Pyrrha Nikos. I'd hope you'd at least be grateful for everything I've done for you, Mr. Arc."

"With whatever small amount of respect due to you, sir," Jaune said, "I really, really don't think you were the one responsible for my relationship with Pyrrha regardless of what you might think."

"Denial will get you nowhere, Mr. Arc." Ozpin advised with an almost warm smile. "Didn't you ever find it strange that on the day of the team selection ceremony, your gear was somehow mysteriously moved overnight into locker 636, even though you had placed your belongings into an entire differently locker the night before? And don't you think it's even stranger that this very locker number would lead you directly into the path of Miss Nikos just as she happened to be in a conversation with Miss Schnee? I knew, in that very moment, Miss Schnee's highbrowed and cunning personality would contrast your dorky and honest one thus triggering Miss Niko's budding attraction towards you."

Jaune blinked. "But… but there's no way you could have possibly guaranteed that I would have ended up with Pyrrha during the team selections!"

Ozpin chuckled. "Oh, Mr. Arc, even now you still fail to see the slight details and intricacies that brought my master plan together. Something as simple as manipulating the team selections is elementary in comparison to the larger scheme at hand. Do you really think I couldn't have altered the trajectory and force of your assigned launcher pad so that it would throw you right into Miss Niko's line of sight just as she landed? The obvious conclusion would have ended with her saving you from your fall and becoming your partner in Beacon for the next four years."

Jaune argued, "But just because we ended up as partners didn't mean we would end up… you know…" and here he blushed, "as a couple."

Ozpin snorted. "Please, Mr. Arc, do you think it's normal for a team comprised of two girls and two boys to share a single coed dorm room? I created that policy during my first year here as headmaster, all for the sake of creating an atmosphere that would provoke socially awkward yet romantically comedic scenarios between team members."

Color drained from Jaune's face as he was forced to confront the truth. "Dear Monty! You actually were trying to pair me with Pyrrha."

"No, Mr. Arc! I wasn't trying! I did ship you with Miss Nikos and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it now!"

"But why!?" Jaune asked feeling a mix of frustration and confusion. "Why go through all the trouble of putting me with Pyrrha? Why us?"

"Please Mr. Arc, the two of you, while arguably one of my favorite ships, are hardly special." Ozpin told him while waving a hand dismissively. "I had already paired up everyone else in your year as well."

Jaune was at a loss for words. "You… but they…. How… EVERYONE!"

"Yes, everyone." Ozpin confirmed as he took a sip of coffee. "Team RWBY was surprisingly the easiest to pair up due to their personalities. The only real intervention necessary was for me to manipulate the team selections so that all four of the girls would land in the same general vicinity away from all the other participants so that they could be in a single team. After that, their innate personalities and characters would eventually pair themselves. Miss Belladona's personality would perfectly compliment Miss Xiao Long's just as Miss Rose's would have done for Miss Schnee's."

"But… but Weiss practically used to hate Ruby!" Jaune felt compelled to point out.

Ozpin shook his head in disappointment. "Mr. Arc you simple fool. That is only to the untrained eye which fails to understand the true nature of the tsundere. Any true expert such as myself would have immediately identified Miss Schnee to be a Type A."

"… What?"

"You see, Miss Schnee's upbringing was far from the happy childhood you would expect from being the daughter of one of the most affluent men in Remnant. Constantly faced with the pressures and expectations of being the heiress to the Schnee Company, she eventually shut herself away from others, keeping them at an arm's length with her tsuntsun side. I knew it would be a matter of finding someone special to trigger her inner deredere. Why do you think I allowed Miss Rose to enter Beacon two years ahead of the rest of her peers? It's because I had counted on the fact that her moemoe personality would be able to accomplish just that."

"Bu… But… you… she… …"

"Of course, I knew simple moeness would not be enough to break through Miss Schnee's ice cold exterior which is why I decided to appoint Miss Rose to be the leader of Team RWBY. As I planned, Miss Schnee's inherent jealousy and superiority complex led her into an outward conflict with Miss Rose while at the same time increased subconscious sexual tensions between the two."

"Oh, come on!" Jaune complained, "There's no way you could have possibly predicted all of that!"

"You underestimate my abilities, Mr. Arc." Ozpin chided him, "It was obvious to me that their conflict would be resolved through my and Professor Port's careful guidance. Once their differences were settled, their relationship would be closer than ever before."

"But what about Yang and Blake?" Jaune protested, "Their relationship barely changed since they came to Beacon."

Ozpin clicked his tongue. "Once more Mr. Arc, you see things only with your eyes and take words at their face value. This is why you tend to miss obvious signs that no self-respecting shipper would ever let go unnoticed. You see, Miss Belladona grew up in a painful world of discrimination and hatred. During her history with the White Fang, she had always been alone with no one to depend upon but herself. I knew it was only a matter of time before she finally found comfort and solace in Miss Xiao Long's warm and sisterly nature. It was inevitable and required little interference from myself.

"And Ren and Nora?"

"Please," Ozpin scoffed, "Those two were already together long before I ever found them. As childhood friends those two were going to end up being a couple regardless of whether or not I wanted it to happen."

"Well... yeah, but... oh man, I guess I have to give that one to you." Jaune admitted reluctantly.

"Therefore Mr. Arc, if you consider all of my masterful manipulations until now, you'll find that I had planned all of this from the very beginning." Ozpin finished in complete and total victory. "Emperor Lelouch and Aizen would have been proud."

"Y-you…You're a madman!" cried Jaune.

"No, Mr. Arc!" Ozpin declared, "I AM THE SHIP-WIZARD!"

"You won't get away with this!"

"Won't I, Mr. Arc? Won't I?" Ozpin challenged. "Because I think you will find that I very much will. For you see Mr. Arc, no matter how disturbingly deviant or diabolically deceitful you might find my actions, the truth of the matter is that you. are. happy. Ultimately, you are blissfully content with the outcome of my machinations just like the other members of Team RWBY and JNPR. And deep in your heart, you know that if you had the chance go back in time and stop me, you wouldn't. You are happy with the partner and the team you ended up with. You wouldn't have it any other way nor could you ever bring yourself to regret them no matter how this good fortune came about. So tell me Mr. Arc, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!?"

Jaune opened his mouth and closed it before opening it again in a fruitless effort to retort. Ozpin was right, he realized. He wouldn't have his team or his friends any other way even if they had all been planned by the schools resident megalomaniac. The said megalomaniac smiled as he saw Jaune's shoulders slump in defeat.

"Well, Mr. Arc." The Ship-Wizard told him. "I'm glad we could have this conversation. Please feel to drop by again if you have any questions… or if you are in need of relationship advice. I would be happy help."

Jaune nodded weakly and mumbled his thanks before turning to leave when a thought occurred to him.

"Wait a minute." Jaune stopped right in front of the door and turned around. "You said you paired up everyone in my year. Then what about teams like Team CRDL? How could you possible ship them together with anyone when everyone else was taken?"

He would almost immediately regret asking that question.

Ozpin shrugged nonchalantly. "Well personally I never had much taste for yaoi myself but who am I to judge others for their sexual preferences? Remember Mr. Arc we must always practice tolerance and understanding towards those who are different from us."

Ozpin hadn't even finished his sentence before Jaune sprinted out the door towards the nearest washroom while desperately trying to hold his vomit in.

Dammit Ozpin.

GENERAL RTS: Ahhhh... I love the smell of pandering to shippers in the morning.