Part One Freshman Year

Chapter One

Arnold Shortman has been in my life forever. Every moment, every memory is so intertwined that sometimes it's hard to believe we're two separate people. Two people with two hearts, two souls. He was my savior, my victim, my best friend, my everything. Until he wasn't.

No point in sugarcoating it, I was a tough kid with rough home life. I lashed out on everybody and everything. Including Arnold. Especially Arnold. Spitballs, pranks, rude names, threats, and so much more. Old friends gave up on me, new people avoided me. But there was Arnold, always Arnold. Mr. Sunshine. Silver lining, there's good in everyone Arnold. He never gave up on me. And I loved him for it. God, how I loved him.

I like to think that I knew everything about him. The shape of his eyes, the sound of his laugh. His favorite ice cream flavor, his nervous habits. What makes him smile, what makes him cry. But if I'm being honest there were so many things that I did not understand about him over the years. Of course, of course, of course, they all make sense now.

Something shifted in middle school. My mother, at the recommendation of her AA sponsor, joined a book club and hit if off with Susie. Suddenly my family was always at the Sunset Arms and there was Arnold. And then there were dinners together, and star gazing, and endless rounds of Monopoly. And just like that he was my best friend. Arnold mellowed me out, just like I always knew he would. I wasn't angry all the time. My life may not have been perfect, but I was happy. I had Arnold.

Although considered an oddity by our classmates and friends, it became understood that I belonged to Arnold and that we belonged together. We were rarely apart. We did every group project together. We walked home together, did our homework side by side at his kitchen table. We had dinner together almost every night surrounded by the sounds of our families. A week could easily go by with Arnold and I only being separated to sleep in our own beds and even then we slept knowing the other wasn't very far away.

In my memory of this part of my childhood, I always see summer first. I see dancing light and green leaves. Arnold and I running around the park, trying to fly a kite, playing tag, hide and sneak. Star gazing on rooftops sharing our fears, our dreams. Next comes autumn and suddenly everything is golden and there's walking to school together, the slight chill in the air pinking our cheeks. Winter is a blur of white and cold hands shoved in pockets. Snowball fights where I allow Arnold to be my knight in shining armor and I his damsel in distress. Spring is a painting of pale greens and pinks, full of baseball games and laughter.

And then everything ended. And all that time became known in my mind as the Before.

I walk toward the bus stop with my heart pounding so loudly I'm convinced people miles away can hear it. There are a few kids there, standing loosely around grouped together but refusing to acknowledge each other. I know how I have to act. I know what's expected of me. I take a deep breath. Calm down, Pataki. Game face.

It's my first day of high school.

Some of the people at the bus stop I recognize. Others I don't. It doesn't matter. I only care about seeing one person and he's not here. Sighing, I resist the urge to tug down the hem of my skirt. I feel naked but I suppose I better get used to it.

My honey-colored curls are pulled back into a long, high ponytail tied with a dark purple ribbon. Eyebrows freshly plucked, perfect skin, eyeliner and mascara surrounding my turquoise eyes. Lips coated in a shade of ballet slipper pink. White and purple cheerleading uniform, ridiculous short skirt and all. Flesh colored tights, shocking white sneakers with purple laces. I look gorgeous, unattainable, and most of all perfect. But that's the goal, isn't it?

If my nine year old self could see me now. Cheerleading? Not very Helga Pataki. Not anymore. Helga Pataki is the BEST and if you want to be the best at Woodrow Wilson High School then you're a cheerleader. Our high school has won the NHSCC (National High School Cheerleading Competition) for the past decade. We're undefeated. Every senior captain has gone on to earn a full-ride cheer scholarship to an Ivy-League school. They're smart, beautiful, and determined. Teachers love them, students worship them. I've been dancing for 10 years. This was an easy decision for me. I'm completely reinvented. I'm Helga G. Pataki 2.0 and better than ever.

This is a what he wanted. This is my own personal apology to my father.

All Big Bob Pataki wanted was for his girls to be perfect. The best in town. Admired and loved by all. As much as there was a selfish motivation behind it, I like to believe it's mostly because he loved us and wanted life to be as easy as possible. I never played by his rules when he was around. The least I can do is honor his wishes now that he's dead.

And then suddenly I hear it and time stands still. Short skirts and secret vows to my dead dad are put on hold. My hands get clamy and my heart jumps to my throat. I haven't heard that voice in 2 months and 16 days.

"Hey," he says in a voice that I swear is dipped in chocolate. I have no idea if he's talking to me. I resist the urge to look at him, but I can imagine him. Tall, blond, and irresistible. I hear a girl's voice respond to him, all high pitched like a cartoon animal. I know I should have greeted him, hugged him, begged him to fix all of this. But I can't. We have nothing to talk about anymore. Every moment we've spent in silence over the last 2 months is like another brick in the wall that is now firmly between us.

We aren't friends anymore. We aren't anything anymore.

It wasn't a choice. Not really.

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything.

A/N: I couldn't sleep so I keep writing. So they way this is going to work is there are five parts to the meat of this story. Freshmen Year, Sophomore Year, Junior Year, Senior Year, and That Summer. Each part will have a couple chapters. Not quite sure yet. It should be pretty easy to follow, but if you're confused please let me know! I hope you're enjoying it so far. I'll probably take a couple days off but should have something new up by the weekend. Thanks in advance to anyone reading this!

Kisses! xox