The next day, Wednesday was the day of the tryouts. As soon as the bell for the last class rang, Eddy sprinted to his locker. He was shaking from anticipation. This was the first steps towards the good life! Sure he had said that before, lots and lots of times, but that was then and this was now. This scam could hardly be even called a scamt. It was a legit effort, rules and regulations a plenty. Not like last year, when the only association he had with the program was when he managed to score some whale blubber off his brother and tried to market it to the team as grip coating for their gloves. His nipples still dealt wit the burn from those titty twisters from time to time…
"It's showtime," he said to himself as he changed into sweat clothes and met Double D and Ed at the main entrance before their walk to the field.
"You seem really happy Eddy," said Ed, his usual smile on his face.
"Why wouldn't I be, I have a foolproof plan, it's one day closer to Friday, and this is the road to the rest of our lives at this place."
"You ever think what happens if we don't make the team Eddy," interjected Double D. "You seem awfully sure that we'll get this kicking job and that Ed will be on the front line." Double D fished out a large book from his duffel bag, ( where his usual school atire of a sweater and slacks were folded and pressed.)
"What the hell is that?"
"If I intend to make the team, it is important to know all of the rules and regulations of the sport of Football. " Double D said with his usual flourish. "Did you know that in 1892, the first pro player was only offered,,,,, SLAM!
Double D jerked his head back as Eddy slammed shut the tome nearly clipping his nose.
"You can tell me later Professor, look sharp will ya we're here." The trio stepped through the gate and dumped their bags off on the sidelines next to a growing pile.
"My word, their certainly are a lot of kids trying out this year," said Double D fumbling with his sneakers.
"There are guys the size of Mongo Supreme of issue 244 of Sergeant Splatter out there!" nodded Ed nervously. "They make me feel small."
"Don't worry fellas," said Eddy. "Half these chumps don't know jack shi…."
"OKAY LISTEN UP," bellowed a new voice. The three friends quickly trotted over to line up on the field, Double D still trying to lace up his shoes. They edged in between a short lanky kid with a blonde buzz cut and Kevin who stared the three up and down like they were ghosts. Ed waved
"Hi Kevin!"
"What the hell are you guys doing out here?" he whispered from the corner of his mouth. Before any of the three could respond, the booming voice again hit them.
"EVERYONE QUIET!" Immediately the 60 or so kids assembled in the field fell silent. The trio glanced at the kids. Most they knew, (some from scams gone awry) others only faces seemed familiar. Eddy knew the buzz cut's name was Kenny Meehan from last year's whale blubber incident. The team captain and QB, Brad Anderson was naturally in the front row with most of his cronies. Eddy touched his left nipple and clenched his fist.
"Lousy son of a ,"
"My name is Coach Grant," the massive figure began. He was decked out in a blue ball cap, and orange and white warmups, the school colors. His whistle hung round his neck and looked ancient. He wore sunglasses even though there was no sun.
"Greaatttt," murmured Eddy. The Coach continued.
"It's great to see so many of you here to try out for our program. The Cobblers are one hell of a squad and I know that those who make it will be proud to storm the field every weekend and crush our opponents!" At this there was a few murmurs and nods of agreement. Kevin looked confident raising his fist into the air and cheering with the rest. The newcomers glanced around nervously as if unsure what to do.
"Those who don't make it," said Coach Grant "HAVE NO PLACE ON MY FIELD!" he screamed totally switching moods. Double D winced and shook his knees, Ed flopped to the ground and covered his head and Eddy whimpered. "Let's get started, enough chitchat!" 5 laps let's go!" Quickly every kid assembled booked it towards the track that ran around the field and began to jog. Eddy found himself, tongue out arms front and running like a madmen. The coach was crazy!
"Hey kid."
Eddy turned and found himself staring at the face of Kenny Meehan. He was only a few inches taller than Eddy, and they roughly had the same build. He jogged along side Eddy as he spoke.
"Are you the kid who tried to sell us that stuff for our gloves but it was actually walrus fat?" he questioned totally serious.
"Whale Blubber actually , but yeah that's me and those are my boys back there," Eddy said, motioning over his shoulder. Double D and Ed both were jogging alongside, Ed a look of stoic determination on his face, while Double D wheezed and panted.
"I'm Kenny Meehan," he said smiling and offering out his hand. "Tight End." ,
"Eddy Flynn." said the con artist returning the handshake." And those two are Ed and Edd, the sock head, has 2 D's though so we just call him Double D. "
"What are you trying out for?" Kenny asked, as they rounded the turn of their second lap.
"Special Teams, baby," said Eddy rubbing his hand in a display of his usual scheming malice. He quickly corrected himself "I mean if I make ya know, it no biggie!" Eddy ran with his hands in the pockets of his gym shorts as he trotted down the straightaway.
"You and your boys seem pretty cool," said Kenny. "You should make it."
"REALLY!" screamed Eddy as he leapt into the air and seemed to hover there while Kenny ran on.
"Yeah man," said Kenny calling back over his shoulder. "You should be good." Eddy just watched as his new friend rounded the turn and merged with the crowd. He stood all smiles. His mind whirring. He already had connections. This was truly his most brilliant plan.
UIMPPH!
"Sorry Eddy," said Ed as he slammed into his shorter friend, sending him sprawling on the track. Double D appeared from the right and both he and Ed hoisted their friend by his arms and all three started running again.
"You forgot to apply your turn signals Ed," wheezed Double D as he promptly hoisted his left hand as they made a turn. "Be careful."
"Guys, that kid thinks were COOL!" interjected Eddy, as he practically screamed the last word.
"Really?" said Ed grinning. Even Double D cracked a smile.
"Well it's nice to see you making friends Eddy. I've seen the boy you were talking too in my History Class last year. Wrote a nice paper on the foundations of Charlemagne's….."
"He drinks Champagne!" said Ed excitedly. "Oh boy!"
"Told ya he was cool," said Eddy like he and Kenny had been friends forever.
"Nevermind," said Double D. The friends merged and mingled with the other kids off all shapes and sized. Double D noticed that only Kevin was from their Cul-De-Sac. Rolf's height had turned him into more of a basketball player and besides fall was "The Season of Harvesting the milk of the Radish," to quote the foreigner. Johnny wasn't the athletic, or mentally stable type, and Jimmy….. welllllll. The friends were essentially on their own. Kevin was talking with some of his teammates from last year further ahead and it was doubtful he would help.
"I am so pooped!" announced Double D as he crossed the finish line. "Eddy that was only the running part! How are we supposed to…"
"I told you! All we do is kick and punt boss. Relaxxxx.." Eddy said elongating the word out as he clapped his hand on his shoulder. "Ed is the one who they're gonna stick out on the line, and he'll probably only be in reserve." Ed nodded happily as he fished a piece of toast from his pocket.
"Yup," he said spraying crumbs everywhere. "I'll be a substitute."
"I hope you are right Ed." said Double D as the boys headed back towards the center of the field. "At least we didn't finish in last place." Looking back, the boys could see that indeed, other scrawnier, fatter, and plain slower kids had yet to cross. The coach promptly blew his whistle and he barked more orders.
"All right, not bad not bad. We've only just started though, push ups let's go! Then we can move onto drills." The boys flopped onto the grass and assumed the push up position. What followed next was a torturous 30 minutes of push-up sit-ups, squats and various strength exercises.
"Ed-dy," panted Double D once the coach called a 5 minute break. "There is nnno way we can make it."
"Quit Be-ing such a wusss!" said Eddy equally tired. Only Ed remained inflappable. He reached into his bag and took a small sip of something from a thermos.
"Oh God Ed, is that…GRAVY?" panicked Double D as he covered his mouth. Ed simply nodded and held out the thermos, offering the hot liquid to his friends. Double D retched while Eddy quickly chugged his bottle of water.
"At least Lumpy is holdin out. But now the worst is behind us Double D, all we gotta do is go to the special teams." The whistle blew again as the three friends sighed and slowly trudged towards the field. They had been in some tight spots before, but this was easily the most physical activity they had done in a single day, and tryouts were only halfway done.
"All right, Offensive guys over at midfield." began Coach Grant, "Defense down with Coach Havermeyer at one end zone and" here he paused, "Special Teams over at the other end zone," he said reviewing his clipboard.
"Psst Eddy," whispered Ed as Eddy and Double D began to head down to the end zone
"I know I have an offensive odor, so I stay here right?" Behind Eddy Double D palmed his face as he shook his head. Eddy patted Ed on the back.
"That's right Ed, just do what the coach says and you'll be fine bud."
"Okay Eddy, thanks!" Ed gave Eddy a tremendous slap on the ass. "Good luck guys!"
Eddy ran after Double D, who was already headed towards the goalpost, where a small crowd was gathering.
"Does Ed know what to do Eddy? I could lend him the rulebook, it has lots of pictures."
"Ed's fine Double D, he should fit in no problem. He's the same size as most guys over there. Now its our turn."
"At least there aren't too many kids trying out over here," remarked Double D, taking head count. "With you and me, there's only 8 kids." Eddy practically skipped over to the end zone.
"Sweet, we're practically guaranteed a spot then!" Eddy said as he moved into a spot behind a scrawny looking ginger kid with thick rimmed classes.
"This guy makes you look tough Double D," sniggered Eddy as he elbowed his friend. Double D didn't return the laugh and instead he only stared at Eddy and brushed him off. Double D knew the kid well, Henry Thurmond, was his name and he was heavily involved with the chess club and a mathalete. He was frequently found dangling from his underwear in the bathroom stalls. The boys knew, Ed had cut him down a few times.
"God wonders what he is doing out here," murmured Double D to himself. At that point, a whistle blew and the small group of boys stood at attention. A tall, gangly coach appeared. He wore a blue sweatshirt, a visor, and incredibly short shorts. He carried a small clipboard and large bag filled with padding and helmets.
"Howdy fellas, I'm Coach Carter," He said dropping the gear and flipping through his clipboard. "It's great to see so many guys try out for Special Teams this year! "Go ahead and grab some padding and a helmet while I try and figure out who is who. The group scrambled to find the newest and least crappiest gear as they sifted through the massive gear. Eddy strapped on his pads and a too large smelly looking jersey over his frame, while Double D struggled to put on his helmet frontwards. Most of the kids had the same issues and Coach Carter made a few adjustments, tightening straps and swapping helmets. When he looked satisfied, he looked through his clipboard again.
"Okey Dokey," he said in a sing song voice. "Lemme see here, we have Ciccione, Donaperci, Fredericks, Hall, Schwartz, Thurmond, Flynn anddddddddd….." Coach Carter stopped in front of Double D lips pursed. "I'm no good with pronunciations here so correct me ..Krzyzewiski?
"Very good sir," said Double D smiling "With 2 Z's" he added.
"Fantastico!" said the Coach closing his clipboard and hefting the ball. "Don't call me sir, son just Coach," he said. "OR Coacharino, whatever works."
"What a tool!," whispered Eddy to Double D.
"What's that Flynn?" said the coach, all smiles.
"Errr just eager to go Coach!" said Eddy lying through his teeth
"Great, I like the enthusiasm! :ets try out some basic kicks and returns!" he said clapping The Coach paired the boy off and had one boy hold the ball while the other kicked. Eddy squatted down and held the ball laces out as instructed. Double D took several steps back and held his finger out, testing the wind.
"Hey Einstein my hand is cramping, kick the damn ball!" gritted Eddy.
"Patience Eddy," said his friend. "I need to calculate precisely where on the ball to kick and at which angle to come from." Eddy grumbled as he listened to Double D make a few hasty calculations. Satisfied, Double D took a few steps back and speedily ran towards the ball.
POWWW!
The ball sailed from the ground spinning beautifully through the air and landed neatly through the center of the goalposts.
"An excellent kick if I do say so myself!" said Double D proudly.
"Holy shit!" said Eddy in awe. "Let's hope the coach saw that!" As if on cue, Coach Carter sprinted over to the boys beaming.
"Great kick Krzyzewski!" he said. "You're a natural, let's try a few more of those." For the next ten minutes, Eddy held the ball while Double D sailed kick after kick through the goal posts. Coach Carter occasionally interrupted with a tip or two but for the most part none was needed.
"I could do this all day Eddy," said Double D as he kicked another one. "I daresay this might be …enjoyable!"
"I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it," remarked Eddy. "But this is great, you can definitely make it if you pull kicks like that! Well, until I go that is," he said with a superior air. Double D just rolled his eyes.
"Switch off!" yelled Carter, as he adjusted his short shorts uncomfortably. Eddy leapt up from his good, ( or rather terrible) view of the coach's crotch and bounded over to where Double D had stood for his kicks as he swapped spots.
"Now Eddy, its all in the angle, if you want my terminal velo,.."
"YAHH!" screamed Eddy as he rushed towards the ball just as Double D set it up.
PUNT!
Eddy hit the top of the ball and it spiraled wildly towards Henry Thurmond, who was on the sidelines with a bottle of Gatorade. The ball smacked into his stomach, and reeling, he promptly spit out his drink and collapsed in a heap, nursing his tummy.
"OHHHH!" Coach Carter heard him moan and promptly rushed over and asked if he was alright. Henry could only nod as he clutched his stomach and tottered back onto the field. Carter came back towards Eddy and leveled with him.
"Errrrm, Mr. Flynn maybe you should try again, remember what I showed Double K
"D coach," said Edd correcting him.
"Right C, " said Carter, mishearing him as he readied Eddy. "Stand here, okay toes out. Alright! Let's see it." Eddy again took a few steps before launching the ball into the sidelines yet again.
"Keep trying there Flynn-erino," said the coach as he walked off to check the other kids, who were having similar luck. Truth be told, Double D was the only one who had managed to land clean kicks. Everyone was just as good as Eddy, and that wasn't saying much. Time after time Eddy launched the ball everywhere but through the posts. Finally his trademark frustration gave in after a particularly bad kick that sent Coach Carter diving into the bleachers.
"DAMMIT!" screamed Eddy as he threw down his helmet. "This was supposed to be my shining moment, Double D! I don't get it I just don't. You all of a sudden of golden toes. While I got nothing!" He paused and stared hard at the ball lying on the field. "I mean," he began, "How hard can it be to kick a dumb, stupid BALLLLLLLLL!" At this he drilled the ball hard sending it soaring to one of the field lights on the sidelines. The ball ricocheted and popped up high into the air, almost lazily floating, before plummeting back towards the two Eds. Double D quickly dove to the side, despite his gear. Eddy could only stand, hands outstretched in hopes of catching the ball, now rapidly approaching him. He closed his eyes. "I'm to pretty and not rich enough yet to die!" he announced to no one.
WHUMP!
Eddy opened his eyes as he surveyed the landscape. Double D arose and was brushing his uniform off, despite the fact it was already stained. Eddy looked at the ball clutched in is hands
"HAAA!" Eddy screamed. It was loud enough so that Henry Thurmond, who was mid-kick, missed the ball entirely and rocked Robert Ciccione in the head, and stubbed his tow on the hard helmet and caused Rob to collapse. Eddy was too busy gloating to laugh at the incident.
"Oh man, Double D I knew I had it! HA told ya this gig was easy." Double D rolled his eyes and snatched one of the small round cones that littered the field and placed the ball on top of it.
"Let's see if you can pull that off again Eddy," said Double D "I'll kick it as far as I can given our altitude and the air pressu….." But Eddy was already downfield in the endzone, impatiently waving his arms. Double D huffed and took some steps back. He ran up and launched the football as high as he could, ( counting for high winds and the rate of the drop." He watched it soar through the goalposts and as it passed, it reached its height, and began to drop, Eddy wildly ran around arms outstretched, waiting. Double D covered his mouth and suppressed a laugh as Eddy dashed around like a madmen.
"He certainly is fast," said Double D. "Maybe Eddy should have gone out for tra…'
Plop!
Eddy stood with the ball neatly in his outstretched hands. He didn't even reel from the shock of the catch or take some steps back. His hands seemingly absorbed the impact.
"My word," said Double D, impressed. Before he had a chance to do anything else, Eddy was already booking it back down towards him and placed the ball on the cone.
"This is great sockhead! You just keep the kicks coming, and I'll keep catching em." Before Double D could even utter a word, Eddy was already running away. Edd simply shook his head and smiled as he adjusted the ball and his steps.
The pair went through more kicks like this, every time Double D sending the ball soaring, sometimes more left or right,, to keep Eddy guessing but he caught every ball and promptly returned them like a retriever. Eddy claimed that throwing it was, "Going to ruin his tender palms." After about 15 or so kicks, Coach Carter trotted up to Double D just as Eddy returned with the ball.
"I've been watching you boys and you two are a great team!" He emphasized the team with a big thumbs up. "I have a strong feeling we found our new Starting Kicker and Kick Returner! "You be the fastest guy on the team Flynn, and as for you Double B, You've nailed every kick so far. Super Duper!"
"Thank you, Coach," said Double D, not bothering to correct the man for the umpteenth time.
"Yeah thanks bossman!" said Eddy viciously pumping his arm in a fierce handshake. Coach Carter loosened his arm free and marked down some notes on his board. Suddenly a whistle blew from midfield and the three looked over to see Grant blowing his whistle.
"Okay fellas," said Carter to everyone of the boys, hustle back to Coach Grant, That's It! Everyone did a Fantastico Job!" Carter pumped his arm into the air as the kids all ran past him headed for midfield. Eddy shed his helmet and wiped the sweat from his brow, with Double D following suit.
"Oh man Double D, you heard Short Shorts Mcbulge! We can even be starters, that's like a jillion times sweeter than a sub!"
"Hold on Eddy, he said Maybe , we can't take everything he says at face value. And its Coach Carter I might add.
"Aww c'mon, you saw those other clowns out there. Ciccione got nailed in the head, The ginger kid stubbed his toe, and no one else could kick straight. We're in in I tell ya!
"I wonder how Ed made out," said Double D, changing the subject.
"I'm sure he's fine," said Eddy as he sidled up next to Kenny, who was drenched in sweat. "Hey there Kenny!"
"Hey Eddy," said Kenny, turning and slapping him a five. "How did you andddd
"Eddward," said Double D offering his hand, "Call me Double D." Kenny smiled and shook his hand.
"How did you two make out?" Kenny questioned.
"Carter says we'll probably start!" said Eddy excitedly.
"Maybe start," said Double D. "But all in all I think it went excellent.
"Cool," said Kenny smiling. "We needs some good guys on special teams. Last year we couldn't get more than ten yards on a kick return, and our starting kicker last year moved to California."
"Good thing!" said Eddy. "Otherwise we would be in trouble. Why'd he move to California anyhow? There's plenty of sun and surf right here!"
"Dude we live in Michigan," said Kenny quizzically, a grin on his face. Before a debate could occur, the Coach blew his whistle again, silencing everyone.
"Nice hustle out there today men," began Coach Grant, pacing the field. Behind him stood Coach Carter, adjusting his shorts yet again, and a large black man with a thick beard and a shirt that read Peach Creek Lumber, presumably this was the defensive coordinator, Havermeyer. They watched as Grant paced and spoke.
"Well for the most part….." Grant stopped in front of Henry Thurmond who nervously shook like a leaf in a gale. "Some of you were ABSOLUTE GARBAGE! SOME KIDS LOOKED LIKE THEY"D NEVER PLAYED FOOTBALL IN THEIR LIVES!" Grant screamed so loud that even the biggest and toughest kids trembled. Eddy was suddenly knocked flat as a kids scrambled and shifted from the sheer power of the yell. Surprisingly, it was Ed who had knocked him over. He was covered in grass stains and sweat, and a nasty bruise was on his arm.
"Hey Eddy," he whispered from on his back, looking up at Eddy.
"Hi Ed, how was it," whispered Eddy back. Ed gave two thumbs up and a smile.
"Coach said I wasn't too bright but big and useful," said Ed. Suddenly, the coach spoke again in totally different gears, e sounded actually appreciative "But some of you proved yourself today and will be a valuable asset to the team. IFF you work real hard. In any case, Myself and Coaches Havermeyer and Carter will discuss the results of the tryout and see who made the grade. Results will be posted after school in the locker room. We'll deal with all that stuff tomorrow. Now get the hell outta my sight had made !" The crowd quickly dispersed, already discussing their performance and the results. Ed, Edd, n Eddy shed their practice gear and dumped the helmets and padding into a bin near the sidelines before traipsing towards their bags and beginning to change back into their school clothes.
"Aren't you gonna hit the showers?" a voice called. Looking back, they saw it was Kenny who had spoken. He had already begun his way towards the locker room, towel over his shoulder.
"I got a new high pressure showerhead," said Eddy
"I didn't bring my shower shoes or disinfectant," shrugged Double D, as he lathered himself in deodorant.
Ed just laughed at the idea. Kenny laughed back and continued towards the locker room.
"You guy's are something else man, great meeting you guys!" He turned around and disappeared through the door. The boys all waved their goodbyes as they shouldered their bags and made for their bikes parked near the school buildings to begin their ride home. They were sweaty, tired, and bruised, but none could complain. They played great and made a new friend.
"I told ya boys, said Eddy as he begun to peddle, "I told ya."