Declivitous Recursion: A tale of temporal chaos

Chapter two: In which the bells toll

Naruto scribbled the last few symbols onto the large seal array he was working on. With a grunt, and a flash he infused the pattern with his chakra, a golden glow filled the room as the seals rearranged themselves. They swirled, and constricted as they entangled his old goggles. Within seconds the goggles fell to the floor with a cascade of sparks.

Naruto waited a few seconds, then tapped it with his brush. "...Perfect!" With a smirk he attached them to his head. After that was done he got out the jacket that he spent the previous day working on, it was a heavy leather lab coat. Naruto also put on a pair of dull orange pants, he attached several packs and pouches to it. He finished his breakfast, and grabbed his dark green/orange aviator hat and his new boots.

"Alright, now that I'm properly outfitted I'll need a weapon... Something that will instill fear into my enemies, and bring credibility to the clan Uzumaki!"

Naruto sat down by the posts, Sakura and Sasuke were already there. Sasuke noticed Naruto's new weapon.

"Why are you carrying that thing around dobe?" Sasuke noticed Naruto's new hat, but didn't comment on it.

Sakura noticed the entire getup, but dismissed it as an odd prank of some sort.

Naruto unlatched his weapon from his back, and heaved it forward to show the world. "I carry this for one very important reason: I thought it would be interesting to use in a combat situation, and for the record you're more of a dobe than I ever was Chouji."

Sasuke was about to yell at him, but Sakura got on his case first.

"His name is Sas-uke, not Chouji!" Naruto smirked at the way she broke up his name.

Naruto waved dismissively. "Alright, alright... It's not a big deal Ino." Naruto shivered involuntarily as Sakura channelled major bad vibes in his direction. Even Sasuke was unnerved, the only thing that saved Naruto from her wrath was Kakashi's sudden entrance.

Kakashi decided to intervene as he wanted all his would-be Genin intact before he crushed their dreams. "Now now, no need for fighting. You are all adults in the eyes of the village, so the time for petty squabbles has ended. Now is the-" Kakashi rushed to intervene yet again as Sakura pulled a kunai on Naruto. "Cut it out you brats!"

Once they calmed down enough, Kakashi explained their test. "Alright, I have two bells. Get them or you fail." He then disappeared.

Naruto stood up, and gathered the attention of his fellow Genin. "I have a plan. Charlie you'll attack him with a fire jutsu, and while he's distracted by that I'll finish him off. Sarah, who has been placing traps in the forest behind him with the aid of my shadow clones, will go for the bells. One of my clones will get his book."

Sakura quirked at the mention of the book. "Why is the book important?" Naruto looked at her. "Because the bells are just a distraction, he doesn't care about them... However he'd go through hell and back for that book."

Sasuke scowled. "...But if the book is the real objective then why are me and Sa-ku-ra stuck with the bells?" Naruto smirked. "Who said that? We would have completed our objective of getting the bells, the book is merely insurance. I can use it to make damn sure Kakashi passes us."

Sasuke thought about that. It actually sounded reasonable, he was on the fence about Naruto being the planner from the start but the deviousness changed his mind. "Alright, I'm in... But only because I like the underhandedness involved in your otherwise retarded plan... Also, don't call me Charlie!"

Kakashi sensed movement to his right, and sure enough glanced Sasuke walking out of the bushes. Sasuke went through some hand signs and launched a small storm of fireballs at him. Kakashi dodged the fire, and kicked Sakura out of the way of the jutsu... And into one of her traps. Naruto ran up and swung his weapon, only to have it caught. "A shovel... Really? Where would you even get one of these anyway?" Kakashi tossed it into the woods.

Naruto pointed to the other end of the clearing. "I got it over there, I saw it laying around and decided it would be fun to hit you with it."

Kakashi blinked. "Okay, but that-" Kakashi spun around after he felt something, only to see dozens of Naruto clones running in different directions. They all carried a familiar book.

He sped off after them with fury in his eye.

Naruto looked around for Sasuke, and found him helping Sakura out of the trap. "Alright, I'll get the book and I'll try to get a pass for all of us... If I can't, then I'll at least get a bell for the two of you."

Sasuke nodded.

Sakura looked at Naruto strangely. "Why would you give us the bells, surely you'd want one for yourself?"

Naruto smirked. "Simple. I don't need Kakashi to train me, I could easily get Jiraiya, or Tsunade to train me... Hell, I don't even really need them to train me, I can just as easily do that myself!"

Sasuke glared at him, but said nothing.

Naruto jumped into the trees, and made his way towards the designated drop off point for the book.

Once he got it, he sat down and plotted. "I can't just go for a straight trade as Kakashi would just take the book, and I can't leave it anywhere without the risk of him stumbling across it. I can't bury it, or hide it without risking damage to the book... Wait a second, I could try the old door trick!"

Kakashi dispelled the last clone, yet remained empty handed. He sighed, and walked back to the clearing.

Once he arrived he noticed that there was a stage with six podiums on one side, and a curtain on the other. After a brief fanfare, Naruto walked onto the stage.

"Welcome. I am sure you are all excited to be here for the forty-fourth first episode of Shinobial Pursuit! I am your host: Naruto... Something or other!"

The applause sign blinked, and Sasuke glared at it from the audience. Sakura, not quite knowing what is going on, decided that following the orders of a sign in plain kanji was easy enough. She clapped halfheartedly, but stopped as she discovered the profound awkwardness of being the only person applauding.

Not knowing what else to do, Kakashi walked on to the stage to tell off Naruto for being all kinds of ridiculous.

A spotlight shined on Kakashi as he walked up. Naruto smiled. "Ah, our first contestant Higurashi!"

Kakashi walked up to the empty podium, he noticed that five Naruto clones filled up most of them.

"Uh, what is this?"

Naruto ignored him. "Contestants, ready your buzzers. The first question is: What is grey, sort of squidgy, and doesn't like mice?

Naruto clone number three hit his buzzer first. "Elephants!"

Naruto shook his head. "Next."

Naruto clone number one hit his buzzer first. "Those things... What do you call them? Elephants!"

"Next!"

Kakashi managed to get it this time. "Uh, Tora?"

"Wrong! The answer was: Rats."

Naruto spun around and pulled a lever, mud fell on everyone. "LIGHTING ROUND!"

"How many Uchihas does it take to screw in a light-globe?"

Kakashi hit his buzzer. "Uh... Four?"

Naruto cheered, and a horrendous sounding siren went off. "That is correct! Now spin this wheel..."
After around twenty minutes of more nonsense, Kakashi stood before three doors. "Now, I just have to pick one?"

Naruto nodded. Kakashi opened door number two, and inside was a contract outlining an agreement that he'll get his book back if he allows them to pass.

"Honestly, I don't think you should be ninja. Any of you, but I want my book so..."

Kakashi signed the agreement, and handed it to Naruto. "Why couldn't you just hand this to me in the beginning, instead of forcing me to play this ridiculous game?"

Naruto chuckled. "Simple: You wouldn't have signed it if you weren't worn out! The book is in door number three."

Kakashi stopped. "How did you know which door I'd choose?"

Naruto smirked devilishly. "Everyone picks door number two..."

Naruto entered the local ninja bar, and sat at the counter. After a while the war grizzled barkeep brought her attention to him. "What'll ye' have kid?"

Naruto looked up, and smiled his suave charm smirk number four. "Why I am not a child, I'm merely a ninja who forgot to eat his leafy green vegetables when he was." He tapped the Konoha symbol attached to his sleeve for emphasis.

The barkeep wasn't having any of this. "I'm wise to yer little Genin mind games brat, I were a ninja too! You'll have to do a little better than that."

Naruto frowned. "Now listen here, I may be a bit vertically challenged but I killed more folk than you've ever laid eyes on! Also... I'll have you know that my package is perfectly robust, full-bodied, sensual, and has a distinct smokiness."

She looked at him strangely. "Did you just describe yer... equipment as if it were a cup o' coffee?"

Naruto smirked. "Why yes, does it make you want to take a sip?"

She balked at that. Naruto smirked even harder. "Alright mow that we've established my credentials I will have perfect dirty martini, made of gin preferably, with six olives and a slice of bacon. The bacon will be placed on top of the glass, and the olives will be speared through it on three toothpicks. This will come with a bowl of ramen, pork ramen, on a plate. This plate will have sashimi on it in a radial swirl pattern expanding from the bowl, and it will match the symbol seen on this cloth. This order will henceforth be referred to as The Naruto, and it will be my usual. I will also have an order of dango, but that is for my dear friend who I am meeting for the first time in about a half an hour."

The barkeep blinked. Naruto sighed and handed her a piece of paper. "This here has my instructions in full, keep it." Naruto clapped his hands in a dismissive manner.

After a while, Anko showed up. She had received an odd letter. She spotted a kid sitting at the counter, with a plate of dango off to the side of him. She naturally sat down in front of the plate.

"I just love dango!"

"Your love or hate is not the issue... Eat your dango."

Anko looked at him strangely. "...What?"

Naruto blinked. "I guess my mind was elsewhere."

They chatted for some time, mostly pleasantries intermixed with occasional non-sequiturs.

They both retired to lonely apartments, and fell fast asleep.

To be continued...