Rebirth: Part II

Arizona marched, like the good soldier she was raised to be, out of the therapist's office and toward the daycare. It was her night to pick up Sofia. She took a deep breath, wiped the tears from under her eyes, and just walked. She was good at stuffing all of her emotions down into her chest and burying them. She could deal with it later. She was fine. This was not going to break her.

A few hours later, Arizona had her little princess all tucked in for the night. Sofia had a full belly, a bath, seven bedtime stories, and maybe a few too many tickles. Arizona loved the way her miniature Calliope laughed, the most beautiful and innocent sound pouring from her sweet lips. She loved Sofia's rich, chocolate eyes. They were just like Callie's. They were big and round…warm and loving…brilliant. Both pairs had the ability to shine right into the blonde's soul. It was the most amazing feeling, one that Arizona never expected to know in her lifetime.

Arizona Robbins grew up tough. Getting dealt a military family and a name like Arizona was surely a winning combination. She got teased a lot, spending a large majority of her adolescence warding off bullies and just taking it in stride. She had to be strong. She had to be a soldier. Her father would accept no less.

Then she realized she liked girls. Or rather, that she didn't like boys. How would he ever accept her? He wouldn't. So she kept it a secret, confiding only in Timothy. Her brother knew everything…kept all of her secrets…took care of her. And then- he died, fighting the good fight, like all Robbins men.

From that day on, Arizona swore she would never love that deeply again. Losing Timothy was too hard. Her world was shattered. She reluctantly came out to her parents, moved away for medical school, and never looked back. Time to change the game. No more hiding. No more hurting. It was time for her to fly.

And she soared. She became a brilliant surgeon, explored her sexuality, and just got to be herself. She no longer recognized the scared, scrappy little girl she once was. Arizona Robbins was a beautiful, intelligent, genuinely happy person who spent her days saving tiny humans. Her nights were filled with a glass of expensive wine and an occasional tryst with some girl she met at the bar. She never let things get too serious though. No, those walls weren't coming down.

At least until she met Calliope. Everything changed then. Her whole world began spinning and she couldn't stop it. She jumped on the carousel full force and hung on for the ride. Every promise she ever made herself to keep her emotions inside- to keep people out, went right out the window when those brown eyes first looked into her soul. She would do anything for Callie. She would love her, and protect her, and be her good man in the storm.

That's how it was supposed to be. Arizona was supposed to take care of Callie. She tried. She tried so hard to be the rock…the shoulder to cry on…the healer of all the injustices in their world. And she was, for a while. But then life grabbed their sweet, happy little merry-go-round and spun it with a force that was determined to throw them both off the ride. Shooting. Africa. Baby. Car accident. Plane Crash. Leg. Infidelity. They had held on for so long. They loved each other that much. But each of them needed what the other just couldn't give anymore.

Arizona knew her wife had made the right decision for them all. But it still hurt like hell. She was devastated. She cursed herself for suggesting the separation, even though she, too, believe it to be necessary. The past thirty days were hard, not only because she was away from Callie, but because she knew the separation would come to an end they would eventually fall right back into the same pattern. Disagreement. Anger. Passion. Sex. Love. Resentment. Imprisonment. The carousel would continue moving at warped speed while they kept trying…and trying…and trying again to fix it. Each time they thought they could slow it down for a while- just enjoy the ride together, a new problem would arise. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. And Arizona knew that deep down. She knew the ride wasn't fun anymore.

Every word her Calliope spoke at their last therapy session was true. They were both stuck, unable to bring the carousel to a stop. Because it was hard. Because they had a child. Because they so desperately wanted it to work. Because, despite it all, they loved one another fiercely.

Arizona probably would never have been able to do it- to stop them from going round and round in circles. The roles were reversed a long time ago, and she was dependent on Callie for everything. She knew that. Callie knew it too. So she made the ride stop. She did it for the both of them. She set them free.

Freedom is an interesting thing. Everyone wants it…needs it…fights for it. But when it's handed to you on a silver platter, it somehow becomes less desirable. Arizona had been craving the freedom she used to have. However, in this moment, it didn't seem so appealing. Maybe because it felt forced upon her. Maybe because she didn't have the courage to take it for herself. Maybe because having freedom now meant not having the love of her life.

Calliope Torres would always be that for her. She would always be the love of Arizona's life, whether they found one another again or not. No one could ever compare. No one would even come close.

Suddenly, the blonde felt a smile form on her face. So many people never even get a chance to experience the kind of love she and Callie shared. So many people never find the one. They search their whole lives for that indescribable, magical feeling. Arizona had found that. She loved Callie with every fiber of her being, just as Callie loved her. No one could ever say they didn't try. Hell…maybe they were still trying. Maybe that's why Callie had done this. Maybe she hadn't given up on them after all.

Arizona wondered when Callie had known. When had she decided they should stay apart? Did she know right away? No, that didn't make sense. Callie was distraught. She couldn't stand them not being together. Maybe it was when she started coming home drunk…or just didn't come home at all. Supposedly, she was out- working with Meredith Grey on some breakthrough surgery. Was that even true? What if her jealousy instincts were right and Callie had cheated? No. She was the cheater. She was the one who pushed Callie away.

She didn't push Callie away last night, though. She couldn't. She couldn't stand it any longer. She tried. She had tried so hard, for twenty-nine days, to avoid the woman she loved. No talking. No touching. No feeding the addiction.

To her, Callie was a drug. Something she wanted…needed…desperately depended on. Callie made Arizona feel alive.

Last night, the blonde felt more alive than she had in weeks. It was as if they had been reborn. There's no way the woman whose bare body melted with her own, light and dark skin drenched in love, had know what would happen in therapy the next evening. She couldn't have known. None of this made sense.

The tears were beginning to form in Arizona's beautiful, blue eyes once more. She took a deep breath and just stopped thinking for a moment. Why was she trying to make sense of it all? Life doesn't make sense. Love doesn't make sense.

Maybe it didn't have to make sense right now. Maybe it was supposed to be confusing, and painful, and nauseating. After all, the ride they were on had them so dizzy that getting off would prove to be a difficult feat in itself. They would each have to be steadied, independently of one another, in order to be able to walk again.

Thirty days wasn't enough. They needed more time to plant their feet on the ground…more time regain control of their bodies and minds…more time to discover life beyond the carousel. That's why Calliope did it. That's why she broke both of their hearts. She did it to save them.

"Mama…"

Sofia's sweet, tired voice filled the empty silence in the air. Arizona shook her head vigorously, trying to stop the world from spinning so she could step off the ride and into her new life. She put one foot on the ground, then the other, finally letting go.

"I'm here, sweetheart," she called to her daughter as she wiped away one last tear.

Time for the soldier to march on…keep on fighting…win the battle that threatened to claim her life is she wasn't careful. But she wasn't in this battle alone. Callie was there, fighting right along with her. They could still make it. That's what Arizona had to tell herself in order to keep going. She had to keep going. This was not going to break her.

As she walked toward Sofia's room, the blonde felt the gift of freedom Callie had so generously given her take over. It wasn't going to be easy to fly at first, but she had to spread her wings. She had to continue her fellowship without emotional distractions. She had to become a better doctor…a better person…a better wife. She had to find herself again. She needed that. She needed to soar. And then, without obligation- without guilt, and fear, and dependency…she could make her way back home to the nest. And hopefully, Calliope would fly back there to meet her.