Keller kept repeating the note over and over again. The more he read the letter the more painful it became. It reminded him of when he had been attacked in the storage room a year ago. The two stabs to his back hard hurt, but that was a minor pain when he found out Beecher was the one who stabbed him. Except this hurt so much than before. Beecher was still alive so there was always hope that things would be better. Now there was no hope. That had died the moment Keller had found out about Beecher. Keller was alone; the one person in his life that had cared about him was gone forever. There was no chance of reconciliation now; Keller was all alone. A tear hit the page when he read "You won't cry for my absence, I know your forgot me long ago."
"Fuck you, Beecher." Keller said to himself with an equal mix of, anger and remorse. "Why couldn't I just forgive him? If I would have just swallowed my pride he still might be here and this piece of me would not be missing. No. I refuse to blame myself. It was not my fault that his kids were nabbed, nor was it my fault that he tried to kill me. He may have forgiven me but that was after almost a year of trying to convince him I was sorry. And this just served to prove that even though he forgave me he never trusted me. All it took was Zabits to make him believe that I was responsible for Gary's death. I cannot say that I was completely taken by surprise. I could tell something was up before he left for the funeral. I had hoped he had forgiven me and that he trusted me again. I did everything he asked but that wasn't good enough. He actually believed Zabits." Keller paused and let his last thought settle.
"Why am I getting so worked up over this? I am alone so what? It is not like I haven't been use to it. I lived my entire life alone, without caring for others. This relationship had just been a moment of weakness. I grew up with no one who cared about me, and I knew I would die the same way. We come into this world alone and that is how we leave it. Love is for the weak. It is just an excuse used by sad and pathetic individuals to justify why they do not end their lives. 'One-day prince charming may come and rescue me from my sorry excuse for a life.' Please, love is just an excuse to get hurt.
If you really feel that way then why are you crying? Why are you hoping, praying even, that this is just a horrible dream? You know the real answer. You loved Tobias and you are afraid and sad now that he is gone. You are afraid that you just lost the best thing that has ever happened to you. No matter how much you try to convince yourself you know you lost the one person who ever cared about you, loved you unconditionally, and saw you as the man you wanted to be inside. But then again I could be wrong. Keep lying to yourself. You may begin to believe the lie. I mean it is better than the reality you are left with.
"Fuck off. I do not cry and I do not feel anything about Beecher. It was not my fault that he attacked me. I have done nothing wrong. I atoned for my sins and I have learned from them. I thought Beecher trusted me, but I was wrong. It is not my fault that he is…" Keller's voice trailed off.
If you are so comfortable with it, if it really is no big deal, then why the hell can you not say it? Beecher is dead. He is never coming back, and that is killing you inside. It reminds you of the first time you lost him. The emptiness and sadness has returned except it is much worse this time. Before there was hope. Hope that things would be better, that Toby would forgive you and look at you like he did before. Without hate in his eyes, with the unconditional love that you so longed for. But now that hope is gone. It has drained out of you just like the blood in Toby. Your only chance of love and happiness died the moment Toby did. This just like the end results of Vern's failed "Operation Toby". Toby's gone and you alone and miserable trying to convince yourself that you have won. Like it was some kind of game. You really are a sick bastard, playing with people's emotions. No wonder you are so miserable. You do not deserve the happiness you have so longed for. How could anyone love someone as callous and manipulative as you? But for some reason Toby did. You never could understand why Toby loved you. You thought it at first it was just lust but you soon learned it was more than that. He had genuinely fallen in love with you. Even when you did finally enact the final step in "Operation Toby" in the gym on that infamous day two years ago he never took back those three words that had made you feel happy about yourself. Those three words that you had wanted to hear truthfully come from someone. Even when he got out of the hospital two months later he never took them back, he only told you he no longer trusted you. And whom would, you did lie to him and work with his archenemy Vern to help him get revenge on Toby. You had been expecting him to repeat the words you so cold heartedly told him before you broke him. That he didn't love you. You had broken his arms, you had broken his trust, you had broken his heart, and you had even told him that you had never loved him but for some reason he still loved you. What the hell did Toby see in you to love you so dearly? You two were so very different. He was an honest and caring guy. Toby had a wife and children that loved him. Even when he lost his wife he still was a decent human being. You on the other hand have lied more than you have been honest. And you use and manipulate people for your own pleasure and when you are done with them you throw them away. You have never done a decent thing in your life. Unlike you Toby was very humane. In fact the only time he had ever lost hold of his humanity was when he had been pushed to far, with Vern's abuse and your betrayal. At least he is in a better place now. Away from the torment and pain that you caused him by being the self centered jackass that you truly are.
"I am better off with out Beecher." Keller replied to himself. "He was nothing but a liability. I knew the risk I was taking by turning in Vern and Metzger for the beating on him. I was willing to take the risk because I was infatuated with Beecher and I was being stupid. If I had known that he would have turned on me I would have just forgot about it. The one time in my life that I actually felt I had done something wrong and wanted to atone from for it and it blew up in my face. Just goes to show that no good dead goes unpunished. The only bit of advice that my mother gave me that meant anything. Now at least now with Beecher gone I do not have to worry about my conscience ever getting in the way, I can finally by myself again. I do not know what it was about him, but for some reason when I was around Beecher I wanted to be different. I no longer wanted to be the tough guy that I have been since I was a teenager."
It is because Toby fell in love with you. He saw through that bullshit badass façade, he saw the loving compassionate man that you can be. Whether you openly admit it or not you miss Toby and you want him back. No matter how cynical you try to be you know that Toby was perfect for you, your soul mate even. One day you will wake up and realize what you have lost and you will no longer be angry at Toby. You will be infuriated at yourself for letting him go and for not doing all that you could to keep him.
Keller knew that waging war against his conscious was useless. He had only managed to make himself more depressed then he had been earlier in Sister Pete's office. No matter what he did or said he would not be able to convince himself that he was ok with Beecher's death. Keller had spent the entire night arguing with himself. He knew it was going to be futile, but Keller tired to get to sleep. "Damn it Beecher. Why did you have to die? I didn't even get to say goodbye." Keller muttered as he closed his eyes.