CHAPTER ONE
August 15, 2005
"You know, I still can't believe you're really leaving West Beverly, bro."
Adverting my eyes from the moving truck, in front of me, to Steve's incredulous stare, I shrug slightly. "Well, believe it, Steve, cuz it's happening."
Turning my eyes away from his dark stare, I can't help but wonder for the thousandth time today if I'm really doing the right thing here. It's been exactly one month since the three year anniversary of Donna's death and just about the same amount of time since I realized that if I stayed in our house, or in this town any longer, I might just have another nervous breakdown; which I really couldn't afford with a three year old child to take care of. So, like any other male in my family, instead of staying put and dealing with my issues here, I decided to pick up and move to Boston Mass, if only to run away from my problems a little while longer.
"But Boston? Did you have to pick somewhere that's practically a million miles away?" Steve asked, still sold on the idea that if he whined a few more times Kirsten and I would stay; if only to keep his daughter, Madeline, occupied while him and his wife, Janet, spent some much needed quality time alone. "I mean, think about it, Silver. Besides Rick, who do you really know in Boston...? Nobody. You wont have Janet, you wont have Kelly, you wont have Dylan, and you sure as hell wont have me. And that right there...is down right depressing."
"No, that's a God send." A voice from behind Steve pipes in, causing the both of us to turn around, for the first time noticing Kelly and Dylan walking up. "Being stuck living in the same state as you, now that's depressing."
Chuckling at the comeback, I give Dylan a grateful smile; letting him know that I highly appreciated the much needed backup. "Good timing, man."
"I thought so."
"So, where's Kirsten, I brought her a little Bon Voyage gift." Kelly states, lifting a blue and purple teddy bear up to her chest; showing off the words "Bon Voyage" on the stuffed item.
"She should be down here soon." I say, looking at my watch; seeing that we've got exactly fifteen minutes until we have to leave for the airport, "It's kind of a funny story but she hid the stuffed turtle I brought her for her birthday so the movers wouldn't put it in the truck, and now she can't remember where she put the darn thing."
Laughing at the irony of the situation, the four of us stop and try to stifle our grins as we hear the innocent sounds of girlish calls coming down the driveway.
"Look daddy, I found Mr. Turtle."
"Mr. Turtle?" I hear Steve ask, but am too busy picking up Kirsten, and staring into my daughter's dark brown eyes, which were passed down to her from her mother, to answer him.
Another reminder of Donna's that I'll never get away from.
"Daddy, are you okay?"
Shaking my head out of my thoughts, I smile an apologetic grin at Kirsten before once again looking down at my watch; realizing that I had been lost in thought for a good thirty seconds. "I'm fine, sweetie, but look at the time. We have to get going so we don't miss our flight."
"We're riding on a big plane?"
Nodding my head, I tell Kirsten that "Yes, we'll be riding on a big plane," before moving my gaze over to my three friends; finding each one of them, Kelly more than the other two, with a slight look of sadness on their faces. "C'mon guys, it's not like we're leaving forever, we'll be back soon...maybe even for Thanksgiving."
"You better be." Kelly says; immediately afterwards throwing her arms around both Kirsten and I--and after a second, pulling back and handing Kirsten the teddy bear she bought for her. "Here, if you ever need me and it's too late to call, just hug Mr. Snuggles and I'll try my best to be right there for you, okay?"
Watching as Kirsten first nodded her head before reaching over and hugging Kelly, I can't help but look towards the ground; realizing for the first time just how much of a mother figure my stepsister has been to Kirsten in the last three years.
"You take care of our munchkin, ya hear." Kelly says, causing me to nod, before she turns around, facing the opposite direction of Kirsten and I; not trying to let either one of us see the tears, that I know, are falling down her face.
"Take it easy, Silver." Steve says, using his nickname for me in a slight teasing tone so that I know a bad joke is about to come from him, "I don't want to turn on the TV and have to hear that you slept with another seventeen year old, okay?"
"Steve!" I exclaim, moving my eyes towards Kirsten, hoping that she hadn't heard, but am slightly relieved and slightly worried when I notice that her eyes are still on Kelly's slowly fleeting figure.
"Sorry man." Steve says, before bringing an arm around me and pulling me into a manly hug; afterwards pinching Kirsten's cheeks causing her to meet his eyes and blush a little. "God, I love this kid."
"And I love you, too." Dylan says, before placing a small peck on the blonde's cheek, causing the older man to yelp and Kirsten to laugh.
"You funny."
"And so are you, Jelly bean." Dylan says, before pressing his lips to Kirsten's cheek--creating a flatulent noise which makes her giggle in surprise. "Take care, sweetie...and you too, man."
Not trusting my voice, I nod my head and offer a small smile before clearing my throat and turning towards Kirsten letting out a soft: "You ready?"
Moving her eyes towards mine, Kirsten offers me only a slight smile, one that makes me wonder if she's as nervous as I am, before moving her eyes back towards Kelly; telling me without words that she really isn't ready to leave--causing me to admit to myself that a part of me isn't either.
And probably never will be.
Friday, August 29, 2005.
It's been two weeks since we've been here in Boston and if anyone asked me if I thought the move had changed anything in the slightest, I'd have to say "Not really." Because to be honest, nothing has changed. My schedule and Kirsten's are still the same as usual: I wake her up, drop her off at the babysitter's-which has changed, but only from Kelly to Rick's wife, Terri-go to work, watch aspiring singers make a fool out of themselves, pick up Kirsten, make our dinner, read her a story, and then go back to bed. Same schedule, just different state.
Which makes me wonder if the move here was really for a new beginning or just a new change of scenery?
"David, my man, just the person I've been looking for."
Looking up from the papers in front of me, I roll my eyes as I see my boss making his way towards me with a videotape in his hands. Here we go again.
"Rick, it's so good of you to stop by. What do you have for me today? A woman who you think can sing because she has the right look? Or better yet, a man who you think could make an excellent guitarist with the right opening tune? Anyway, it's a lose-lose situation, so I'd recommend you just save your breath."
Turning back to the contracts I was reading a few minutes earlier, I sigh as I hear Rick close my office door; a sign which means he either thinks the talent he has for his finest A-n-R director is so good that he doesn't want anyone else to steal the act or it's so bad that he doesn't want anyone else to know that he actually had the decency to tape the act.
My money was on the latter.
"Actually, I was hoping to talk to you about this earlier but you were in such a hurry this morning that I didn't have a chance to." Rick says, in a professional voice, that he rarely ever uses, before taking a seat across from me, causing me to raise my eyebrows in interest, "David, I don't know if you've noticed it or not but the talent here, as of late, has not been quite up to par, as usual."
"You don't say?" I reply sarcastically, causing him to roll his eyes, but not reprimand me for it.
"As I was saying, the talent out there hasn't been that good as of late, actually it's been quite depressing..really depressing. But that was until now." Picking up the videotape that he had placed on my desk when he first sat down, Rick smiles at me; showing off the small gap in between his two front teeth. "Silver, someone that I know you not only remember, but also shared a special past with, blew me the hell away last night, and that said person is on this tape that I hold here in my hands."
Not wanting to have to hear another one of Rick's dramatic speeches, that he was famous for back in the day, I roll my eyes before reaching for the videotape; figuring what the heck, I might as well see who the hell he's talking about--if just to get him outta my hair faster.
"Ah, ah, ah." Rick mockingly sings, while holding the tape further away from my hands, "I was planning on showing you this but that was before this afternoon."
Raising an eyebrow in mock interest, I question the situation, "What happened this afternoon?"
"This afternoon, I got a phone call from Tony, the owner of the place I went to last night, and he told me that this here lady is going to be performing again tonight. So, after a little persuasion from yours truly, he agreed to leave V.I.P passes at the door for me and a very special guest of mine. Which just happens to be you for the night. There's no need to thank me."
Rolling my eyes at the smug look on Rick's face, I try and remember when was the last time I went to a club. And after thinking about it for a minute, I realize that I haven't been to one since Dylan, Steve, and their respective wives, took me and Donna out to celebrate the news of our pregnancy. Almost three and a half years ago.
"David?"
Snapping out of my thoughts, I notice Rick is now staring at me questioningly and realize that he's still waiting for my answer. Will I go tonight?
"Actually Rick, I don't think that'd be a good idea."
Knowing that my answer was not the one he had been expecting to hear, I'm not that surprised when the older man shoots me a disbelieving stare.
"David, I practically had to sell the man my kidney to get these passes, and you don't want to go?"
Opening my mouth to say that it wasn't that I didn't want to go but that I couldn't go, I stopped short as Rick continued; this time in a much more irritated voice.
"That's it, kid. I've had it with you. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to tell you this until somewhere further down the line, but when you, all American nice guy, don't jump at the chance to see someone from your past and also say no to V.I.P passes, that I down right pleaded for, on your behalf, well then I know the time has come for me to set your ass straight."
Looking at him bewildered, the question that I'm thinking comes out of my mouth before I even know it, "You're firing me?"
"No, I am not firing you. But I am going to give you a little medical history lesson and it starts right now by me telling you that, ever since Donna died, you've been suffering from a disorder called "Post-mourning syndrome."
The switch in topics causes me to blink for a second before opening my mouth and saying, "Post mourning what?"
"Post mourning syndrome." Rick continues, never moving his eyes away from me, "It's when someone loses, in your case, their wife suddenly and instead of allowing their family and friends to help them through the grieving process, they pull away absentmindedly and let themselves be thrown into their work and child's life by depression."
Not knowing what to say to that, I open my mouth to deny the words but then after a second I close it once again; wondering if that is indeed what I've been doing. "How do you-"
"Terri's father passed away six years ago. Not because of an illness, or because of a car accident, but just because." Rick says, for the first time moving his eyes away from me, to look down at his wedding ring, "It took me almost filing for divorce for her to see that while she was pushing everyone and everything away--so the pain she was feeling wouldn't catch up to her--she had accidentally pushed our marriage away as well."
Not having had any idea about that part of Rick's life, I sat speechless for a minute or two. "So, what did you do? I mean, did Terri seek help or..?"
Nodding, Rick continued to fumble with his wedding band but moved his eyes back up towards mine so I could see the sincerity in them. "She started seeing a therapist and then started going to support groups for adults who had lost their parents. And in both, she found that the answer to the question: What is the key to getting over the pain in death? is not Time, but something else. That something else being communication; the ability to be able to express your feelings to someone else without trying to cover up your pride by letting them think that you're not as, in your case, depressed as you believe yourself to be."
"But I'm not depressed." I say, with a tone in my voice that doesn't even convince me that I'm not lying.
"And your not letting yourself move on either." Rick counters after a second---afterwards standing up and moving towards my office door; not turning back around until he has one hand on the door knob. "She probably wont be on tonight until nine thirty and I don't plan on leaving here until eight, so do me a favor and think about this: Do you really want to stay where your at for the rest of your life, pushing people away and feeling sorry for yourself, or do you actually want to do something about it, by letting your friends and family help you move on. It's up to you, but if your not at my office before I leave tonight, then I'll already have my answer."
Waiting until Rick walks out of my office, closing the door behind him, I pull the drawer to my desk open and take out an almost identical replica of the photo I'd seen on Donna's dresser a month earlier.
Making the same tracing patterns that I had done many times before, I sigh before putting the photo back where it had been; realizing once again that I had a lot of thinking to do and only a short amount of time to do it in.
This is going to be a long day.
Making my way towards the V.I.P area, with Rick hot on my heels, I can't help but wonder what the hell I'm doing here.
At first when Rick left my office, part of me kept telling myself that Rick was wrong, that I wasn't depressed and that I also wasn't pushing my family and friends away. But after a couple more minutes of thinking about it, my mind went back to Kelly and Kirsten and how they had acted during our good-byes; Kirsten hadn't wanted to leave Kelly, but even for a three year old she didn't question it because it was what she knew I had wanted and Kelly had not wanted us to leave but she didn't voice any protest--knowing I probably would've just said the same things to her that I said to Steve--and she also didn't just try and hide her emotions from Kirsten but also me as well. Not wanting for me to see the pain I had caused her.
Which, now when I think about it, makes me wonder if I wasn't just hiding my emotions from them but myself as well.
"Hey, go grab us a table. I'm going to go find Tony." Rick shouts, over the music, in my direction.
I turn to say, "Okay," but just as soon as I do so, I notice that Rick's almost half way towards the manager's office. Or atleast what I think is the manager's office.
Turning back around, I show my V.I.P pass to the bouncer whose guarding the entrance and then watch on as he gives me the once over before politely smiling and quickly stepping out the way to let me through; causing me to believe that in here it's just like any other club back at home: It's not about who you know but how you dress.
As soon as I find a clean table to sit at, the house lights dim lower-telling me that the live music is about to begin-and Rick enters the V.I.P section. A somewhat irritated expression on his face.
"What's wrong with you?"
Taking a seat across from me at the table, Rick gives me a You don't want to know look, before turning towards the stage area; causing me to do the same.
"Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, I'd like to welcome you all back to the livest spot in Boston Massachusetts. Tony's." A loud voice, over the speaker, booms; causing almost the entire room, besides me and Rick, to applaud and yell good-naturedly. "Now, as you all regulars remember, Thursday and Friday nights are open mic nights. But for the last three weeks we've had a hot little senorita come out and rock the stage with her poetic vibes and deep dark depressing ways. And that's not going to stop today, so if everyone could please stand up and put your hands together for Miss. Valerie Malone."
Valerie?
Thanking God that I hadn't ordered a drink when I stepped into the club, knowing I probably would've choked on it at hearing those words, I stared open mouthed at the stage area as I witnessed my past friend, lover, and confidant, make her way towards the piano on stage; followed by a slightly taller male-judging from what was in his hand-her drummer.
"Didn't I tell you, you'd remember her as soon as you saw her?" Rick says to me, with a slight smile in his voice. But the only answer I'm willing to give him at the moment is a nod of my head; refusing to take my eyes off of Valerie. My Valerie.
Watching as she waits for the drummer to take a seat at his station, before she sits down on the piano bench, I wonder to myself for a second how well of a pianist she is; knowing that while we were together I never even saw her get near one unless it was to watch me play.
"She's one of the best pianist I've ever seen." I hear someone say, and when glancing up for a second, I notice it's one of the club's waitresses--but she's not talking to anyone in particular. She's in a trance and I can see why once Valerie begins to play and the soft soothing sounds of love making began to flow throughout the room.
"I have a question for all you ladies out there tonight." Valerie says, a slight second after she gently begins playing her heart out, "What do you do when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go?"
And with that, the waitress isn't the only one in a trance.
Got caught in your web And it hurts my soul I need to get away from ya I should have known Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds) I'm about to break I can't mend I need to get away from ya Everytime I try to grasp for air Inside I'm screaming I don't know what to do It hurts my soul I'm about to break I can't mend I say... Only thing I need to do is walk away I need to get away from ya I need to get away from ya I need to get away from ya
Your love was like candy,
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion
But the venom seeps deeper (deeper, deeper)
We both can seduce
but darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I need to walk away from ya
I get smothered in despair, it's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare,
I let out a silent prayer
that it be over, over
Begging, pleading no more
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need, Oh
And I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need, Oh
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
The sound of applause breaks me out of my slight trance, and as an afterthought, I stand up to applaud with the rest of the crowd.
"Didn't I tell you she was good?" Rick asks, with a knowing smile in his voice.
I nod, and mumble a yes, you did, before following Valerie, with my eyes, off the stage, through the crowd, and to my surprise, towards the V.I.P section; where others, including myself, wait to congratulate her.
"My God, Miss Malone, you were wonderful up there." I hear someone say, just as Valerie steps past the heavy set bouncer from before, who gave her a small You did good hug before letting her through. "Can I have your autograph?"
From where I'm standing, towards the side of the entrance, I can make out Valerie's flustered expression as she writes a short message on the slightly wrinkled napkin that the younger woman thrusted upon her.
"Thank you so much, Miss. Malone. You don't know how much this means to me." The woman says, before turning around and walking back towards her table; showing the signature off along the way.
Waiting until the small crowd spreads out a little, I inwardly tell myself "Oh what the hell", before picking up a napkin from off our table and making my way towards my unexpecting friend.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Malone, may I have your autograph?"
As she turns around, I can hear the beginning of, "I'm not married", pass her lips, but just as she starts on the word married, our eyes meet, and even in the dark, I can see her facial expression go from sudden shock to down right glee; which I guess from the hug, that she lays on me, after the fact, means she's happy to see me.