This is the first story I'm writing for this fandom and the first time that I'm writing for such a popular couple. I was surprised when I opened my e-mail account Thursday morning. I didn't expect such a great response. So thank you all very much for the reviews, the favoriting and the alerts.

And for the record: I haven't forgotten that Castle has a secret too. I just understand his reasoning why he keeps it a secret from her better than Kate not telling him that she'd heard his love confession. I totally get that Castle feels betrayed but I'm not happy with how he chooses to react in the next episode. But if Kate needs this kick in the ass to tell him about her feelings I think I can live with it. At this point I just want them to have an honest conversation. If it turns out to be a big fight you won't hear me complaining. At least everything would come out in the open then. I'm tired of waiting!

Chapter Two

Kate didn't know if it had been the right decision to come here. Maybe she should give him some time to calm down. But Lanie's 'before it's too late' was still ringing in her ears. Being a cop she should know that life was too short to waste any time. This case had just proven it once again. She'd told him that she needed time, back then on the swings, when he had been furious that she hadn't called him for months. She needed time to put her mother's murder behind her before she could start the kind of relationship she wanted.

He'd understood. He always understood. Most of the time he put her needs in front of his own and she'd never really stopped to think how hard it must have been for him to see her every day without having the possibility to act on his feelings.

He loved her. He wanted to be with her and she'd told him to wait. And he did wait. He hadn't had one relationship since the shooting. Not as far as she knew. Not even a fling. He'd worked side by side with her every day without pushing her and she'd really appreciated it.

But she'd lied to him. She couldn't deny it. It had been a lie. He'd asked her upfront if she really didn't remember anything and she'd lied right into his face. She could argue that she'd still been with Josh at the time, that he had no right to tell her that he loved her while she was in a relationship with someone else. But the truth was that his confession had scared the crap out of her.

Deep down she'd always known, even before his confession, that there was more between them than only friendship, that they were more than partners. The sexual attraction was there from the beginning. They had just decided not to act on it.

But with every case, with every coffee he'd brought her in the morning, with every story he'd shared with her and she with him, the bond between them grew stronger and stronger. She'd realized relatively fast that he was more than the playboy he showed the outside world. She'd seen how great a father he was.

They'd started to respect each other, started to share intimate things about each other's lives. She'd told him about her mother, about her father. As the days had turned into months, the months into years, she couldn't imagine a precinct, doing her job, without him by her side.

She loved his crazy theories, loved watching his face light up when he was trying to figure out who the murderer was. Like she told him once, his presence made her job easier.

She didn't know when the friendship had turned into love. Most of the time she hadn't let herself see something else in him than a great friend and partner. But not all the time. Like when he'd decided to go to the Hamptons with Gina. She had been willing to admit that he meant more to her, she had been on the verge of jumping right into it. Seeing him leaving the precinct with Gina had hurt like hell, but what had hurt even more was how betrayed she had felt when he hadn't come back to the precinct in the fall.

She had been pissed off, extremely pissed off. If she was honest, the anger had been more directed at herself than at him. She had been angry with herself that she'd counted the days until he would come back, that every time she'd looked at his empty chair she'd missed him even more.

At the end she'd let him come back. As if she would have let him go. She'd missed working with him. She'd missed his crazy theories. She'd missed her morning coffee. She'd missed him.

Since then their bond grew even stronger. They'd almost frozen to death. They'd been a hair breadth away from getting blown up by a dirty bomb. He'd been always there, right by her side. But even after facing death with him she'd been too scared to let him in. She'd been too afraid to give him that much power over her. If she'd let him in, he would have the ability to shatter her heart and she'd always been too scared to take that risk.

Suddenly Royce's letter drifted into her mind. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder if only. She hadn't listened to his advice. She'd buried it deep inside of her, hadn't been willing to take that ultimate step.

But she couldn't bury it anymore. The what if's floated around in her brain. She'd always found it futile to wonder what could have happened if she would have made other decisions. She couldn't change the past anyway. But she could change her future.

What if he would die tomorrow? Could she live with the fact that she'd never told him that she loved him? Would she be able to go on with her life if she would lose him? If she would lose him without knowing what it's been like to make love with him, wake up with him every morning? She should have asked herself these questions sooner because the only answer she could give was no. No. She couldn't imagine a life without him and she didn't even want to imagine a life without him. She wanted to share her life with him. She was in love with him but her own cowardice had possibly deprived her of every chance to ever be in a relationship with him.

Turning around the last corner, she could see him standing beside his mother in front of the flowers and pictures of the victims. She knew him long enough to be able to read his body language, even from this distance. His whole posture screamed defeat and her heart clenched painfully in her chest. She really hoped that she wasn't too late.

~C&B~

"I really thought we could have a future together. I was willing to wait." Looking at it in the light of what he'd overheard, made him look like a complete loser. Pining for a woman who never would love him. Not the way he wanted her to. The anger he'd already felt earlier came back and hit him square in the chest. "And to find out it's all just a big joke. She knew." Castle looked at his mother, his voice full of hurt. "This whole time she remembered and she didn't say anything because she was embarrassed, because she doesn't feel the same way. I'm such a fool."

Martha knew that she couldn't really help him right now. She couldn't just make it go away. He loved her and the betrayal had cut deep. He needed time to recover though she wasn't sure if he would ever be able to get over her.

"Oh, come on. Let's go home." Martha put her hand on his arm, ready to at least try to comfort him. "Break out some of the good stuff. Okay?"

"Oh, I loved to. I've gotta be getting back." Castle replied determined and Martha's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Back?" She asked incredulously. "Why on earth would you go back? Knowing how she feels, knowing that she lied to you."

"This isn't about her, this is about them." Castle replied compassionately, pointing to the pictures. "It's about doing something real. Something that matters. I'm not willing to let that go."

"Richard! Love is not a switch. You can't just turn it off." How much he wished it would be that easy. Reaching inside and just flip a switch. Flip the switch and stop loving her. "You can't work side by side with her and not feel anything."

But he could try. He had to.

"Watch me!"

~C&B~

Kate didn't know what they were talking about. She assumed it was about her. At the end Castle straightened himself, a determined look on his face, and Martha's shoulders slumped in defeat. Whatever he'd said, she wasn't really happy about it. But Kate knew she would accept whatever he'd decided. Pulling his head down, she gave him a peck on his cheek and walked away.

Castle turned around to the memorial, his hands buried in his pockets and Kate approached him slowly, contemplating what she wanted to say. When she stood directly behind him, she took in a deep breath and spoke quietly.

"Castle?" He swirled around, surprised to see her. But the surprised expression only remained on his face for a few seconds, before he wiped his face clean of any emotion, looking at her with cold eyes that made her shiver, and the words just tumbled out of her mouth. "I know you were in the observation room. I know you heard me telling the suspect that I remember."

The cold in his eyes changed to hot anger in rapid speed, causing Kate to take a step back, shocked by the intensity of his fury. She hadn't intended to blurt it out like that. She'd wanted to smooth into the subject, but seeing his emotionless expression had rattled her.

"What do you want?" Castle said with an icy voice, throwing his next words into her face. "Pat me on the head and give me some crap about staying friends?"

"Castle, I ..." His voice burnt as if a hot iron was pressed against her heart. She had seen him only once in this state of anger. This hardly suppressed rage. During their fight almost a year ago, when he'd yelled at her that he couldn't watch her throwing her life away.

"Stop, Kate! I ..." Clenching his hands into fists, Castle took in a deep breath, trying to hold his emotions in check. "I feel like I'm going to explode any second and I can't look at you right now. Just ... just leave me alone."

"Rick!" Kate put her hand on his arm when he started to walk away, not willing to let him go. "Rick, please! Let me explain."

Castle didn't even turn around, his gaze only fell to her hand on his arm and he could see his raised eyebrow, saw how his jaw tightened. Slowly he raised his hand, putting it on hers and for a split second hope rose up in Kate's chest. Hope that he would listen to her. But he only pulled her fingers off his arm, and without even looking at her, he walked away. Tears shot into her eyes and she wrapped her arms around her waist, a sharp pain hitting her chest. She was too late. Her lie had ruined everything. He was never going to forgive her.

Before you yell at me! Like I said, Kate doesn't know yet that Castle has a secret too. I'm probably going to address it later on in the story. This chapter turned out a lot darker than I intended to, probably because the upcoming May sweeps are playing havoc with my shipper heart. Unfortunately Caskett is not my only ship that isn't together at the moment.