Title : Pregnant
Author : J-A-Kd
Summary : Views on the Siddiqui family from 7.21
Note : I just loved Tariq's reaction when he learnt about Trudi and how Trudi said the truth only to him. I used memories of my siblings when we were younger but as they fit in the Tariq character, I just assume that Trudi would have the same loving environment with loads of tough guys ;). I think, by the way, that is my longest chapter ever. English not being my native language, I apologize in advance for any grammar or vocabulary problems. :D.
She was pregnant, no, let her clarify : she is pregnant. As in having a baby, as in having a bun in the oven, as in becoming a mother, as in nurturing, caring, shaping it. It as in a tiny little human being, a baby, a voice, a heart, a living person. She asks herself 'what the heck am I getting into ?'. Adding several seconds later 'how did it happen ?'. But she perfectly knows how it happened. First of all, she had sex with Finn. Let's get real - sex with Finn has been a delicious forbidden fruit, making it even more delicious. And she did not have sex with Finn just once, nonono, she had sex with Finn countless time, almost everyday since they started hooking up. She would sneak out her place and come to his, and get undress, and moaning his name and forgetting her own. She would try to regain composure with steady breathes but her body wanted more, ached for more, needed more. She discovered that she could vibrate from pleasure and that pain was not only associated to tears and to fear but could be associated to giggles and to pleasure. And when Finn pressed his hands against her tits, sizing them, sucking them and kissing them, she was not the one to stop him. No, no, no. She was the one whispering words of love, of pleasure, of lust.
So when she snaps at Naseem, she perfectly knows that it's a matter of minutes, of hours before Tariq bargs in, demanding answers to why she behaved that way toward their kid sister. Tariq can take it all : the loneliness, the pressure, the bad image he convoys but he can not take his sisters being mad at each other, he can not stand being a referee between them, he can not stand when it's world war three zone in between his siblings. He'd rather have them being mad at him than have them in unspeaking terms with each other.
And of course, Tariq waltz in with no care for the world, for the other people in the room, instantly focusing on his baby sister, never letting his gaze drop like he was an animal finding his prey after hours of hunting the said pray down. He sits next to her, asks her what is wrong with her. Seeing the truth through her bullshit. Calling her out on the said so bullshit. If Tariq can be an annoying brother, she knows that he is the only one that would help her or at least advising her. Probably, he will screw it up and make the situation ten time worst but she doesn't have much of choice, anymore. She tells him that they will talk outside. And when Finn comes, tries to play the chivalry in the shining armor and that Tariq says it's family business... It really is.
She knows that he will probably yell and that probs are that it will end up in a shouting and yelling match without Nas nor Dad to break it up. She expects the worst. She knows that he won't slap her or lay a finger on her. As much as people love to give her brother a bad reputation, he has never laid a single finger on Nas or her. Ever. He shouts and yells. Demands and wants. Is a control freak. Is a love breaker. Is a pain in the neck. But he never physically hurts them. He never intends to morally hurt them either. He is a good big brother. Hers. The only one she has got. The only one she will get. So when she is crying because she had a terrible grade at school, he is here, in the privacy of their house, to hug her and soothe her and tell her 'everything's gonna be okay. You got the smart outta the family'. And when she was young, with all the bullying and people making fun of her because she was dressed funny and she was wearing a hijab, she came countless time at home with red eyes, sobbing and her brother always hugged her and told her 'you're beautiful the way you are. Nothing's gonna change that. Nobody's gonna change that. But the situation's gonna change for ya. Cause I'm here for ya. Cause I got to defend your beauty inside and outside. Cause God makes you the way you are and nothing's wrong with ya'. And true to his words, nobody ever messed with Trudi Siddiqui, fearing the strength threat of her brother.
So she stands in front of him, trying to explain to him that she is pregnant. She doesn't want to face him. She doesn't want to face the rejection, the incredulity, the disgust she is sure she will find if she looks up and sees his eyes. 'I'm pregnant'. He takes a step backward. She was so sure of that. And now, he will never talk to me again, he will never lay an eye on me again, he hates me, I'm disgusting him - it's all she can think of. But her brother has an other idea. He can't think that smart, clever, brilliant Trudi would do something so dumb, nine kind of crazy and fucked up as getting pregnant. 'Did he force himself on you ?'. Trudi can only think of the countless times her body ached for more and that her head was so upside down with instant pleasure that she barely knew her own name anymore. 'No. Use your imagination'. And Tariq doesn't know if he has to cry or if he has to yell. The situation is fucked up. He is not blind, he knows his two sisters are beautiful, brilliant, almost perfect women. And he is proud to think that maybe a little bit of this almost utter perfection that seem to identify his sisters comes from the presence he had in their lives. He knows that boys looked at his sisters, naking them in their brains and dreaming of a quick shag with them. So he wants to cry because his kid sister, the same sister that was put in his awaiting arms when she was born and that he swore to protect no matter what was pregnant and that a guy naked her. He never expected the day he had to protect her from herself, tho. And he wants to yell at her because she is so smart and so bright and that it was not supposed to happen to her. He was supposed to be the one screwing around and becoming a daddy at a teenage year. He was the one supposed to be part of an other statistic (that he is sure exists) called 'teenage boys in jail are more likely to become parents before they hit 20 years old' or some shit of the same kind. But his sister was supposed to be the smart one, the one able to leave this shit hole, to become some one, to make his father and him proud.
His father is going to destroy Truddi. And will kill her. And after that, he will kill Tariq for not being able to prevent what she got herself into. And he will send Naseem in Pakistan to get married. It sends chills on his spin. Tariq can't let that happen - can't let his family down and can't let his dad down (because let's get real : the pregnancy will kill Dad before Dad can kill any of them). And he can't let Naseem being a black sheep in the family because she will face regards and words of their community. And he can't let Truddi facing the outside world by herself. He has to be in charge at some point. And the moment of taking responsibility for his family to be back together just arrived. Now, he is the one that will keep his sister in check, the same way she did with him all those months ago. Now he is the one that will bring his family together. The same way his sister did. He won't let them down. Because if he doesn't have his family with him anymore, Tariq perfectly knows he is a dead man walking.
So he asks the question 'does Finn know ?'. His sister answers by the negative and he, selfishly, feels relieved. The less people know, the better. He won't force her to keep it or to terminate it. It's her choice and Tariq is aware of that. And Tariq is also aware of where his sister is, between a rock and a hard place. If she keeps the baby, his family is over. If he terminates the baby, she will go against her religious values and Tariq is afraid she will be plagued with vivid nightmares of the abortion for the years to come. But it's her choice and he will stand by her no matter what. He will have her back the same way she had his. And he will protect Nas and her until he dies. Or at least he will die trying to protect, nurture and love them.
Truddi affirms that she will do all by herself. 'I'm on my own'. Because Truddi knows that Tariq wants - no - needs to kill Finn. And Truddi knows that it's more likely that Tariq will not talk to her ever again. She is loosing everything, she thinks. When Tariq asked her why she did not come to him, she wanted to slap him twice or more. She could not go to his room and say 'hey, I don't really know about how the pill works. Fancy to help me ?' And she could not go to him to talk with him about what she could expect from having sex or how sex was. Tariq is her big brother and she perfectly knows that in his mind, he only sees her as the little girl running around in underwear in the back of their house with no care for the world. Tariq was watching her like a hawk. And mom was surveying the garden while cooking some delicious Pakistanis cookies. She has seen the picture of Tariq and her when she was an infant. She discovered, that day, how Tariq looked at her with awe. And when she called him out about the pictures he smirked and dismissed it quickly. She knows that he thinks she didn't see the look of pure love he had for her when she showed him the picture. But she did. Tariq is her brother. And Tariq idolizes her and thinks she can do no wrong. She doesn't want to be the one destroying the image he has of her. But she did. Today. Weeks before. By getting knocked up. She only thinks that her brother hates her guts right now. And she can't do anything because she kind of hates herself at that moment too. And when she answers I'm on my own. She is not really surprised to hear 'no, you are not'. Her brother is a family man. Her brother will help her. Her brother will make everything alright like he used to do when she was younger.
I'd love to hear from you ! I'm working on the next chapter of this serie about the Siddiqui family :)