There were a lot of things, nonchalant things, Khan did that made him the absolute alpha male. These occurrences seemed natural for him, and I suppose they grew natural for me, too, considering how often he did them to me and how I began to do them to him.
Whenever I ignored Khan, he'd grab my wrist. And it wasn't the gentle tug of attention he committed, it was rather a quick act and iron clutch against my wrist. I could feel the bones in his fingers go against the bones in my wrist, and the entire feeling would be completely uncomfortable and demeaning. Khan would do it without a second thought.
He always grabbed at my face many times, as well. We could be sitting, eating across from each other. Khan would ask me what I was thinking about, as he often did, and I'd lie, as I often did. I'd say I was thinking about the movie we just watched, when in fact, I was thinking about my mother, but Khan hated to talk about past life because it made us sad. Khan had a way of sensing when I wasn't telling the truth. He'd stare, and I could feel his eyes on me, and then his hand would snap at my jaw; fingers leaning into the gaps between my teeth, grasping hard to keep his hold on me. I'd repeat my lie and he'd let go reluctantly.
Nights were the best, I think. It would be quiet, the only sounds coming from our mouths as we breathed. Our forehead would almost be touching and I loved the feeling of a larger figure beside me. I felt safe, protected. Khan's lips would push softly against my skin, causing me to shrink harder into his side.
Sometimes I hummed a melody for him. I knew a lot of little tunes. Khan especially enjoyed them at night. I suppose it was sort of like a lullaby for him. Khan's night usually consisted of a least one bad dream, but when I sang to him, he fell asleep with a lazy smile on his face. These would also be the nights when Khan looked best. He looked sweet, innocent. The worries in his face were gone and I could no longer imagine that such foul things could come from a man like that. If I could choose, I'd make Khan stay that way forever.
Seeing him like this made everything worth it. At that moment, I didn't care about the fights, the blows, the tears; all I could see were the giggles and hands, the kisses and whispers.
Was it real love? I honestly don't know. If I had walked by him on the street, would he interest me? If we had met in Star Fleet, would we still actually like each other?
I rarely ever asked Khan to sing for me, no matter how much I wished him to. Whenever I asked him, he'd frown and sigh, even as I would pet his hair and slide my hands across his broadened, chiselled face, in an attempt to try and coax him into singing.
"I don't know any songs."
I loved Khan and I can't ever deny that. He was my heart and soul, my best-friend and lover, but he was also my nightmare and beast. He could not be different to his manner. That fact was specifically the one that always made me feel worse for hating him because I knew he couldn't help it.
I thought a lot about killing him, and I won't lie. I really did. How I could do it. When I could do it. How long it would take. If I could overpower him for just that one second to gain enough leverage over him to keep Khan under my will, would I?
Maybe I'd do it while he slept. I stared at the back of his figure as he cooked our dinner. Maybe I'd run and bang his head into the cupboard. He'd turn around and smiled, ask me if I was hungry. I'd reply with a simple, 'yes'. Maybe I could grab the pot of boiling water and splash it into his face. Or what about a blunt weapon? We did have a few pipes here and there in the storage room. Would Khan be able to take them away from me as I tried to smack it into him?
I would lie next to him in our bed, his breathing, unconscious body beside me. I'd have my pillow case gripped in my fingers, ready to get on top of him and sack his beautiful, beautiful head. He struggled and squirm, and maybe he'd just throw me off. The case still gripped in my hand, I slowly closed my eyes and sighed.
I was too weak to ever do such a thing, no matter how much I wanted to.