Fighting was what Jasper was raised to do. He had been forged in battle, to lead, train, and kill vampires, and that was his only purpose. He had once been wild, ruthless, and violent, with no morals, no heart, no capacity to feel anything resembling love, care, or kindness. After he left that life, he spent the next century trying to domesticate himself, to humble himself, to moralize and give in to the emotions he was destined to feel. The side of himself that was born to hate and fight was a side he never wanted to surface again. He'd buried it for dead long ago. Yet that day, he'd had no choice but to allow that dormant side to come forth and control his actions. He'd kept it in check while fighting the newborns, but as he saw Victoria and Riley descending on their haven, he wasn't sure that would be an option.
Almost as soon as he heard the door slam, the younger vampire advanced on Jasper. The two collided head on and tangled together, fighting, clawing, biting at each other. Riley, as he heard Victoria refer to him, was more skilled than the average newborn. Jasper could feel that he was infatuated with the fiery haired woman, almost exactly the way he had been infatuated with Maria. He deduced that taking Riley at her side was something Victoria had learned from Maria, had Maria actually made it to find her and fight with her. Jasper had not seen her in the battle, but that did not surprise him either. She rarely fought if she had others to do it for her.
He should've been able to take Riley down easily. One newborn, even if skilled, would have been no problem for him. The problem was, he could feel Bella's fear from inside the house and it was slowing him down a little. He was also wounded from the fight with the multitude of newborns. The especially potent venom had locked up his muscles and slowed him down as well. Even so, he managed to get the upper hand on Riley before too long. The two snarled and snapped teeth at each other, but Jasper had the edge on him. Unfortunately, he was outnumbered.
Just before he could tear off Riley's head, Victoria lunged and sank her teeth into his neck. Jasper felt the white hot sting of her venom seeping in through his skin, forever leaving its mark on his already marred body. He was forced back, and though he fought hard to break free, Riley managed to lock his arms behind him and restrain him. Try as he might, he could not get out of his grasp. Victoria's long fingers curled around the material of his shirt and she purred as she leaned in close, presumably to bite again. But she didn't.
The smell hit Jasper's senses even before Riley and Victoria's. Blood.
Blood.
It was so potent that the fire in his throat burned with the blazes of the hell he had long since condemned himself to. The scent caught Victoria's attention not long after it had infiltrated Jasper's senses. She let go and spun around. All three vampires could see Bella standing there, blood dripping from her arm. Victoria, though lured by the scent, did not advance immediately. Her desire to see Bella die a slow, painful death was stronger than her desire to feed. She was, however, lured by the sight of the human girl and left Riley to deal with Jasper himself, slowly creeping towards the house.
The violent, unfeeling monster that Jasper had hoped was long gone, suddenly sprung to life. The female vampire was advancing on prey to him, and this male was holding him back from reaching the prey first. Jasper did not see Bella. All he could see was the blood.
Blood. Blood.
Riley was growling, snarling, and eventually let go of Jasper to run at Bella. Victoria yelled at him to stop, but being a newborn he couldn't help it. Jasper, however, would stop him. He had Riley down before the newborn could even make it halfway to the house. He struck him down, and dove on top of him, growling and sinking his own teeth into the younger vampire's neck. He bit him again, and again, and again. He rose up, then grabbed the other vampire's blond hair and jerked him up, and slammed his head down against the concrete. He did this several times, but the exchange between them probably only took about half a minute. He violently tore off his limbs, and severed his head.
By this point, Victoria, seeing she did not have much time, ran for the house. She ran as fast as she could and lunged into the air to easily reach the second floor. Unfortunately for her, before she reached it, Jasper had lunged too and caught her midair. The two crashed through another glass wall onto the floor of the room where Bella stood. Victoria, naturally, put up more of a fight. Her clawed nails ripped through his shirt and slashed down his side. He snarled and rolled her over, slamming her against the floor. They moved like two lions, fighting in the wild. Clawing, snarling, snapping at each other. Every time Victoria tried to break free and lunge at Bella, Jasper would grab her and slam her down again. It was a wonder they had not broken through the floor.
At one crucial point, Victoria broke free again. But this time, rather than try to lunge for Bella, she tried to escape. Jasper wouldn't let her get away. He grabbed her around the waist and brought her around to slam into a wall that wasn't made of glass. It shook the pillars holding the house up. He ripped one of her arms off and listened as she howled in pain. He growled, and in one quick motion her tore her head off and killed her. As her lifeless body crumpled to the floor, Jasper took a step back, his shoulders heaving as he stared at his fallen foe.
Bella's plan worked better than she could have hoped. She felt frozen to the spot where her clever trick allowed Jasper the break he needed to fight off the two vampires, creator and student, leader and follower. She wanted to look away from the scene that unfolded, but her eyes seem frozen to it as well. It was likely for the reason that she needed to make sure that he would be okay, that she had bought him enough time to successfully due the things she could never be able to. It was a gruesome scene. She'd seen deaths in front of her eyes before, but these were different. In Volterra, she was forcedto watch two people she loved being mercilessly killed when they were innocent to any faults. Here, she was not forced to do anything. Instead, she willingly observed as Jasper put to rest the fears they'd been preparing to fight off for months and months now.
It was certainly not something that Bella would have done if she were thinking clearly. She knew for a fact that Jasper would have yelled at her to turn away if he had been thinking too. But it wasn't a matter of thought. Everything seemed instinctual, even for Bella who was still very much human and not partaking in any of the physical violence. The blond vampire was first. It would have turned her stomach if it were normal circumstances. Bella couldn't even stand it when she had to draw blood for a Biology class when it was only a droplet. But now, she was covered in her own blood and watching a gruesome, although not bloody, death take place before her eyes. Every time Riley's head hit the concrete, she winced. Every time a limb was removed, her teeth grit together a bit tighter.
Victoria was just as bad. It was harder for Bella to watch because she knew that it would be more of a struggle for Jasper. That much because obvious as soon as the two of them collided. She barely managed to move out of the way when they crashed through another wall. Backing up a few feet, she noticed her vision started to blur slightly. It was only momentary, but when it cleared, she could see Jasper with the upper hand. It was only a few seconds later before it was all over and she watched the fiery red hair that haunted her for a year roll away.
She couldn't move yet. Not again from the few feet she'd managed a minute before, but she wanted to run out to him. She wanted to hold him to her and kiss him like they'd kissed before he had to fight their enemies. All she could manage now was his name. "Jasper," she whispered. It was soft and affectionate, propelled by relief at his safety.
Bella's faith in him, while admirable and kind, was much too high. At least, when it came to how in control he was of his needs. This was part of what divided their species. Jasper was nota human. While his body was in the same shape as that of a human male, and he was once human himself, that was the extent of it. A human's desires were typically controllable. Their needs could make them desperate, but generally, it was something that they could repress if need be. But a vampire was closer to an animal in that regard. They reacted on instinct; if they needed to feed, they fed. They did whatever they had to do to satisfy that need. Carlisle's family was rare; the coven had domesticated themselves, become more human than animal. They often did repress their needs, as humans did. But Jasper still hadn't gotten the hang of it. Sixty years, and he still could not completely tame the beast within him.
Bella spoke his name, but it did not quite register in his head. He heard her, but he did not hear her. When he was fighting for her before, he was defending his mate. But now, all he saw was his prey. Bella's scent was lost on him. All he could smell was her blood. That potent, sweet nectar that he needed in order to sustain himself. Jasper turned around slowly and looked at her. His eyes were black as coal; two onyxes piercing into her chocolate gaze. Jasper wasn't in there. Not the Jasper she knew, not the Jasper she loved. This was the Jasper that he'd warned her about, the one who was controlled only by his thirst for blood. She'd gotten a glimpse of him at her birthday a year ago, but that had all happened in a matter of seconds.
He turned to face her completely and tilted his head. His eyes, they drifted from hers to the pool of crimson blood dripping from her arm onto the floor. Each time it splashed against the tile, he could smell it all the more. He took only a moment to access her. She was not going to run from him? He did not sense any fear in her yet, which struck him oddly. He lusted her blood, and he found himself lusting her, too. There was a connection he felt with her. He wanted her blood. He wanted every last drop. And he wanted to relish every second of it. Very slowly, he crept towards her, turning his head a little as he became more and more fascinated. His eyes, though already as black as could be, seemed to have darkened even more.
Jasper stopped at about five paces from her. His line of sight was fixated on the blood, and only the blood. He needed it. He neededit. The fire in his throat was scalding, and he could take it no longer. He closed the gap between them and lunged at her. He knocked her down to the floor and pinned her there, holding her wrists up by either side of her head. The blood was right there, so close to for him to take at his will. He ducked his head and ran his nose up the side of her neck, breathing in before he looked down at her again, his lifeless eyes peering into hers once more.
His lips parted, revealing his teeth. There was nothing to stand between predator and prey now.
What Bella had never expected was that once the predators were gone, another would appear. Instead of an expression of relief, of anything positive at all, really, Jasper's face was nowhere close to housing any such emotion. Instead, his nature took over and turned him into another being entirely. A predator himself. There were a few moments when Bella didn't quite understand what was happening. She thought it was just the aftereffects of killing the newborn and Victoria. His appearance was menacing, unlike anything she'd ever seen.
Almost.
She had seen this before. Twice when it came to Jasper - once when he fought the newborn in her yard and again just now with Riley and Victoria. Once, when it came to Jasper advancing on her. Her eighteenth birthday. His eyes had been black and his teeth glistened as he started to advance on her. But Edward had reacted too quickly and no true damage could have been done as far as his bloodlust was concerned. There was no comparison to that sitation with the one occuring now.
Before the fight, when he took her to their house, their supposed safe sanctuary from harm, she remembered trying to memorise the way his mouth felt, the way he smelled, the way he felt against her. His eyes had been the sweetest golden color - her favorite shade. His expression was soft while strong, the way she was used to it appearing, even though this was a much more dangerous situation than their every day events. Even when he'd come back to warn her, when they had only a minute before Victoria and the newborn advanced on the house, he was still Jasper. Her Jasper. Her soldier. The kiss that had transpired then was burning, despite the chill of his mouth. It electrified her. There was no denying any emotion or feeling in that case. it all existed. It was all real.
Now it seemed like she'd dreamed it up. He wasn't the same Jasper. He was someone that Bella hadn't recognized. He was someone Bella had never seen before, someone she never met. From the moment he turned to face her, she knew something was wrong. It didn't take her but a second to understand what exactly it was. It was as if his dark eyes caused the wounds she'd given herself to intensify, as if his desire for her blood made it burn all the more. When she realized it, she still remained where she stood. She didn't fear him, not even the cold, dark look in his eyes. Even if he didn't seem as if he was there with her as the person she knew, her Jasper had to be in there somewhere. He would overcome his bloodlust. He loved her. As he stared at her, first into her eyes and then at her arm, Bella tried to push forth all of the love she felt for him. If she did that, he would know; he would feel it. Her Jasper would come back.
Bella's Jasper didn'tcome back.
When he didn't stop advancing on her with that look in his eyes, despite the way she was pouring out her affection for him, fear started to replace everything else. She managed to only take half a step backwards before he was on top of her. "Jasper..." she choked out. He'd warned her of this. But Bella never thought it possible. Even if it was, she knew she couldn't blame him. Even now, she couldn't - it wasn't his fault. It was his nature to hunt prey. She was the prey and it was her own doing. In compromising her life, she'd saved his. That was good enough for her. But it was more difficult than Bella ever, ever could have imagined.
The piece of glass that had been in her hand fell out. Before, he'd pressed the key to his car in the hand for safety. Before that, he'd pressed the key to this house into that same palm on her birthday, the happiest day of her life so far. That life wasn't supposed to end. That life was supposed to go on forever. The key had been a promise.
That promise was dead.
And Bella was about to be. "Jasper, don't..." she pleaded as his nose pushed against her skin. Her voice was such a soft whisper that she doubted he would have heard it unless he had such acute hearing as he possessed. She had a flash of a time when she woke up to him doing the same thing, slowly just breathing in her scent as she opened her eyes in the morning. He'd felt her smile and kissed the skin at the pulse point in her throat to greet her with an unspoken 'good morning'. Her eyes stung as she closed them.
She didn't even have time to start to cry.
His thirst would not be satiated. Jasper would not taste Bella's blood that night, despite being as close as he was to quenching his desires. Before he could sink his teeth into the open wound on her arm, Jasper was crashed into by a large, strong, furry figure. He was thrown against the wall, but it only took a split second for him to recover and come face to face with a large, russet colored wolf. The two would-be mythical creatures stared each other down only for a moment before they collided again.
The pair were only in the house for another moment before Jacob flung Jasper out the broken window onto the ground. The pavement split beneath Jasper as his statuesque body crashed against it. Jacob was on top of him a moment later, pinning him to the ground. Unfortunately for the wolf, Jasper was on such an adrenaline rush and acting on raw instinct that he was not strong enough to keep him down. The vampire shoved the wolf off and lunged at him, only barely missing sinking his teeth in for a lethal bite that would've killed him had he succeeded. Two two natural enemies clashed again and again, but this could not go on forever. Jasper was immortal and unable to lose energy, but Jacob was not. Despite his heightened strength, and though he wouldn't admit it, was weakening. Jasper had the upper hand, and was looking to be victorious yet again when challenged in battle.
Yet another strong force crashed into him and knocked him off his opponent. This time, it was his brother.
Emmett, the strongest Cullen, tackled Jasper and wrestled him away from Jacob. Jasper snarled and fought back, but he was struggling, this time. "Carlisle!" Emmett shouted, and soon after the other three Cullens ran onto the scene.
Jacob made a lunge for Jasper's throat, but this time, the Cullen patriarch stepped between and kept the wolf at bay. "No, Jacob. Jasper is not the enemy," Carlisle cautioned. "You'll break the treaty if you kill him and we'll be forced to attack you and your pack." Jacob still was growling and looked ready to kill them all if he had to. "Jacob, even if you succeed in killing my family and myself, word will reach vampires much more powerful than my coven that a pack of their enemies ended our lives. They will hunt you until you're all dead. Much more vicious, much more lethal than we could ever be. Is that how you want to be remembered by your descendants? This is not the fight you want. Go to your pack and help them. I will tend to Bella and see to it that Jasper is tended to."
"Carlisle!" Emmett shouted again, clearly on the verge of losing his grip on his raging brother. Jasper's eyes were wild, as he thrashed against Emmett and snapped his teeth at his brother's face. Rosalie and Esme were standing defensively, flanked behind Carlisle. They would still defend Jasper, their brother and son respectively, despite his actions. Jacob, though still furious, eventually turned and ran off angrily. Carlisle moved towards Jasper. He held Jasper's arms at his sides and tried almost desperately to reach his son, looking for any sign of Jasper within those black eyes. The bloodlust was too strong.
"Rosalie, help Emmett. Esme, darling, if you could start burning the evidence here and cleaning up the blood. I need to get Bella to our house and stitch her up," Carlisle said. Though he had not yet addressed her, they all knew she was still up there, alive. The scent of her blood was very strong, and though they had not seen her, they could hear her heart beating. He turned from his family and leaped up through the broken window to find Bella. "Are you up to being moved? I need to stitch up your arm again, Bella. And you've lost a lot of blood. It is also quite pertinent to get you away from here as quickly as possible."
Bella didn't comprehend fully what was happening. She thought maybe she was already dead, that Jasper had already bitten her and the transition from life into death had strange elements to it. Strange elements that involved howls and bangs and crashes. When she opened her eyes, however, Jasper wasn't there anymore. Neither was the cold shell of him who was so untouched by her strong feelings of love for him. From where she lay on the floor, she could see that it was Jacob that had been responsible for her still-beating heart. There was relief in that, but such relief didn't come from the situation that transpired afterward. It didn't matter what almost happened. All that mattered was that her foolish act of drawing attention to herself in order to save Jasper's life was now being compromised again and there was a chance that he, again, wouldn't survive.
"Stop. Jake… no," she called out. She meant to scream it, but somehow her voice didn't seem to ever get above a whisper, much less a normal conversational tone. Despite how badly it hurt to do so, she pushed herself up on her palms, one of which was opened and the other of which supported the arm that was still throbbing with intense pain from the cut. "Jacob, stop!" she attempted again, trying to force strength into her voice. She couldn't see what was happening since they'd both launched themselves out of the house. But by the time she'd finished the words, the altercation was broken up. She'd had to crawl a few feet in order to see over the edge of the wall, but every painful movement was worth it to ensure that he was still alive. Nothing else mattered. She felt instantaneous relief when she recognized Emmett holding back Jasper. A second later, the rest of the family showed up. It all started to seem so hazy to her, but she strained to hear what Carlisle was saying. Though she was listening as he talked down the scorned werewolf, her eyes wouldn't stray from Jasper.
She could see it in Carlisle's eyes. Bella could see the way he stood before he son and searched for the boy he knew. Bella recognized it, because she had done the same thing. And like Carlisle, her searching provided no results. When the doctor came to find her, Bella was finding it very difficult to find her voice again. She opened her mouth to speak when he told her of his plans to fix her wounds, but all she could do was nod. Her body was starting to shiver from the loss of blood and the color was drained from her face, lips turning off-shade as well in the process. As Carlisle scooped her up in his arms as delicately as he could, her eyes started to close, far too heavy to keep open any longer. She let them, but as the blond vampire took her away, she managed to speak just long enough to say, "It wasn't his fault."
When Bella woke up, it was very bright. The light almost hurt her eyes when she opened them and she was forced to close them immediately again until they adjusted. When they had after blinking a few times, the surroundings of where she was came into view. She wasn't at the hospital. She was at the Cullen home. She had no idea how much time had passed, but she figured it had to have been at least several hours. The biggest indication of that was the fact that her arm and her hand no longer felt like hot knives. Her body ached, but it was a dull pain she would welcome in comparison to what she felt before. Upon sitting up, she observed her arm wrapped and bandaged securely, matching the dressings around one of her palms.
"Bella." A male's voice struck her. Turning, she met Carlisle who had stood and now stood at her bedside. "You're fine. Everything is okay. You're back at the house," he explained as if she didn't know where she was. Esme was at his side a moment later, brushing a gentle hand across Bella's forehead and tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "You worried us, sweetheart," she said in a melodic voice, her face soft and welcoming. Bella's lips parted and her expression changed to one of confusion. Carlisle, having expected such, just gave her unbandaged hand a pat. "The confusion you feel is normal, Bella. The blood loss is responsible for that," he explained.
But the only reason Bella was confused was because she only saw Carlisle and his wife. She turned her head to survey the room again as if she'd missed something, then shook it when she confirmed that it was otherwise empty for the moment. "Where's…" she trailed off, not understanding why Jasper wasn't there. Surely it was safe for him to be in the same room as her now – she was stitched up and her wounds were tended to in an expert manner by Carlisle himself. But her soldier wasn't there. "Jasper," she said, trying to get up. Both of the Cullen's gently put their hands on either one of her shoulders and had her lay back. "You need to rest for awhile, Bella," Carlisle said. "The blood you lost was significant. You need to recover from that," he explained.
Two more bodies entered the room. Bella perked up, eyes widening in anticipation for the third to walk in behind them. But he never did. The confusion and disappointment were clearly written across her face. "Jas- Where's Jasper?" she asked, looking at the four pairs of eyes that stared back at her, none of which were the ones she loved the most.
Where was Jasper, indeed.
When Carlisle fled with Bella, Jasper had fought Emmett and Rosalie to break free and go after them. It wasn't until Esme had cleaned up the blood that he found it easier to breathe. The scent of bleach became more potent than blood, and with Bella and Carlisle long gone, Jasper was no longer tempted. It took several minutes, but he eventually stopped fighting his big brother. The life returned to his eyes moments later, and his tension began to cease. He became more coherent about the world around him, rather than the one-track-mind he'd been functioning with previously. His throat was still burning, but he was able to think more clearly.
Bella.
He wasn't going to go anywhere near the house until he'd hunted. He wouldn't let Emmett release him until they'd hunted. Jasper wanted very much to go home, to see Bella and make sure she was all right. But he knew he couldn't do that. She probably had no desire to see him ever again. It crushed him to think of that. and he didn't want to believe it, but how could it not be true? There were a few times along the way to hunt that his knees buckled and he was too overcome with grief to move. Emmett and Rosalie would have to lift him up and practically drag him along to their hunting grounds.
They received word from Carlisle that Bella was going to be fine, and once they returned home Jasper was specific in his orders not to allow him to be alone with her under any circumstance. He stayed in his room mostly, curled up in the corner on the floor. He felt such despair, and such shame, he could not bear to be around the others. He could not look at Carlisle, out of shame. All of his teaching and disciplines had flown out the window. All his hard work to help Jasper become more human, more like them, had been for nothing. The last person he thought would want him anymore was Bella. He'd shown her the side of himself that he warned her about. He'd done exactly what he feared he would one day do to her, and he'd nearly killed her in the process. Worst of all, Jacob Black had been the one to knock him away from her. His family would have been too late. Bella should have been with Jacob after all. He could protect her.
Carlisle was trying his best to get Bella's mind off of seeing Jasper. Esme, too. While Carlisle knew that Jasper could not help his actions, he was trying to abide by his son's instructions. "Your vital signs have all stabilized, Bella. That's great progress given how much blood you lost."
Esme, however, could not continue to ignore her questioning about her son. She excused herself and left the room, walking to the opposite end of the house to her son's room. She walked in and knelt by him on the floor, lightly stroking his curls before placing a hand on his shoulder. "She's asking where you are," she said softly, trying to soothe him. To her, they just needed to be together again, and she knew things would right themselves.
Jasper did not look at his mother. "Probably because she's terrified, and doesn't want anything to do with me."
"I think you know that's not true. I think you can feel how much she does long to see you, and you know how desperately you want to see her," she said, lightly squeezing his shoulder.
Jasper said nothing, but curled up tighter. Esme sighed softly, and then stood up and walked out. It was nearly an hour before Jasper moved again. He hated himself, and he was so, so ashamed. But he loved Bella more than anything, and he had to see her to make sure she was all right. He could feel her sadness and worry, and he didn't want that. Though he feared he might cause it to worsen if she saw him, and he couldn't blame her for that. He was a monster; there was no denying that anymore. He decided he would see her one time, to apologize to her properly and tell her he was going to leave. Truthfully, there was no point in putting on this charade any longer. He wasn't meant to be a vegetarian vampire like Carlisle's family. This had been Alice's dream, not his. He'd never fit in, no matter how much he wanted to. Who was he trying to fool? Himself? Yes, he'd been a complete fool to think he was strong enough to make this work.
He called for Emmett, who came in and much to his big brother's dismay, was told of Jasper's intentions. Very hesitantly, he restrained his brother's arms behind him, and walked Jasper to Bella's room. When they reached the door, Esme opened it and nearly cried at the sight of her son looking so miserable, with his arms locked behind him by Emmett. Jasper was looking at the floor in shame. She threw her arms around Jasper's neck and quietly pleaded for him to allow Emmett to let him go, but he refused. Carlisle looked to the door and saw them behind Esme and Rosalie, and looked down briefly, then back to Bella.
"It seems he is right here," he said, but did not move from her side. He knew Jasper would want one of them near Bella in case he broke free and came after her again. He knew his son wouldn't, but he thought abiding by those wishes would be for the best right now.
Esme and Rosalie stepped aside reluctantly, and Emmett walked Jasper into the room, but stayed far back from Bella's bed. Jasper couldn't look at her. He couldn't see her lying there, knowing he was to blame for all of this. It was too much. He didn't even think he could speak, but he loved her so, so much, that he knew she deserved at the very least, his apology.
"I..I'm.." he stammered, barely able to find his voice. "I'm so sorry." His voice hitched, and he squeezed his eyes shut. If Emmett hadn't been holding him up, he would've crumpled to the floor right there. "I-I won't stay. I just needed to apologize."
Bella was never what most people would refer to as 'normal.' It was admittedly true that though she had always been socially awkward, she didn't outwardly appear to be off the wall in any manner. She was more of a loner as opposed to someone who went along with the crowd. In Phoenix, she stood out because she didn't look like most of the beautiful, tanned girls her own age. In Forks, she stood out even more because she was the 'new girl'. She had trouble blending in, but at the same time, she wasn't extreme to any degree. The only thing that changed that was when she moved to Forks and grew close to the otherwise unattainable Cullen family.
But on the inside, Bella knew she was far unlike the majority. Those who knew her understood that as well. It didn't hurt that she was involved in other worlds now, worlds that only seemed to exist in stories and myths before she came to know them as reality. Vampires and werewolves. These were everyday words to her. These concepts were more real to her than even some normal elements of reality. But because she was not supposed to be mixed up in these worlds, it didn't bode well for her being 'ordinary'. She joked with Jasper that she was some kind of freak. Bella maintained that as being true. While being with the Cullen's and the pack allowed her to be accustomed to their ways of life, even they could not understand her manner of thinking at times, her twisted logic.
Now was one of those times. Instead of feeling relief that she was not face to face with the creature that was a breath away from killing her, she was panicked. Instead of relaxing, her body felt tense when nobody would answer her questions. Carlisle assured her that her vital signs were stabilized, but inside, she felt as if they were all failing. The only person she needed wasn't there and not having an explanation as to why was killing her more than any lack of blood. Carlisle slipped a few times and looked pained as he attempted to sway her from the subject. He'd done so twice in the time that Esme was gone from the room.
But though she had to wait longer than she would have liked, Bella didn't have to wait much longer to get answers. When she received them, however, she almost wished she wouldn't have pleaded so hard to learn them. She sat up immediately when Carlisle spoke, straining to see around Rosalie and Esme, both of whom had faces that were stricken with grief.
Grief.
That was what Bella felt surging through the room, filling every corner, every last inch. Grief. Pure, unmasked sorrow. It felt like someone had punched her in the stomach for how strong it felt. The shock of it allowed her to overlook the source just for a moment until she was able to lock eyes on the origin. Jasper. It was all coming from Jasper. She'd felt him grieving before – more than once. But this was unlike anything she'd felt from him before. This was because of her. His feelings, his emotions didn't match hers at all anymore. Because while Bella was heartbroken to see him looking like a walking shadow of himself, the amount of love she felt for him was almost enough to completely overpower anything else. There was utter relief at being able to see that, physically, he was alive. Some of the events from the evening were hazy once Bella woke up, but the confirmation that he was still there gave everything clarity in a way that she craved. It was a driving force, one that caused her to act.
All she wanted to do was get to him. All she wanted to do was take away every last morsel of sorrow he was overwhelmed with. She wanted to lift his chin so he would look at her and she could meet his eyes. She wanted to touch him and feel the cold truth in his skin that he was still with her. She just wanted to getto him. But such wasn't so easy. As soon as he'd spoken (in a way that would have broken her heart to pieces if it weren't so strongly bound together with love for him), she tried to get up and close the distance between them. Not even one foot could leave the bed before Carlisle's hands were on her shoulders to keep her still. "Bella, you need to stay here," he said, his voice unwavering even though the struggle of keeping her from his son, one who he couldn't stand seeing like this, threatened the stability with every spoken syllable. He hated seeing this; they all did.
"Stop," Bella protested, struggling to free herself from the doctor's gentle, but firm grip. She didn't care if she was hooked up to IV's still or that she was still shaky. She needed to get to Jasper. Her Jasper. "Please, just let me- Jasper," she said, fixating her eyes on him again. "Jasper."
Esme was having the most difficult time of it. She couldn't stand to bear witness to this another moment when her heart was screaming against it. Emmett's arms were tight around his brother as he'd been instructed, but his mother's hands were soft as they touched his chest and she pleaded with him again. "Jasper, please," she said softly. Even Rosalie, as much as she hated Bella and hated the idea of her having a relationship with her twin was having a tough time seeing him in so much pain. She didn't speak, but she too, put a hand on Jasper's shoulder to show him he was supported.
It was hard for Bella to respond to what Jasper had said under the circumstances. If she could just get to him… She would throw her arms around him and cover his face in kisses and assure him that he didn't need to apologize, that she was fine and he was still with her and that - that - was the only thing that mattered. But she had to struggle with the words while being forced to stay away from him and that was hard. Even still, she did the best she could. "Jasper, please! Don't leave!" she cried out, panicked that he would resort to following through on his words of not staying before she could talk to him. "Don't apologize! You didn't do anything wrong! You didn't- Just- I can't-" There was a lump in her throat that made stringing sentences together seem even more impossible. Her eyes were blurry with frantic tears. If he left, she wasn't sure even the love for him she had cementing it could have stopped her heart from breaking.
This was eating away with him, and his heart was so fragile at the moment. It was on the verge of shattering. The only two things mending it together were his love for her and the fact that she was physically going to be okay. No thanks to him, in the end. Jasper felt so ashamed, and was in so much pain that if Emmett hadn't been holding hold him up, he would've been on the floor. He was on the verge of falling apart, unable to recover from his shame and this horrible wrong he'd committed.
Bella's words... they barely reached him. He knew she wouldn't blame him, because that was just how she was. But the fact remained that Jasper hadn't been strong enough to control his thirst. What had transpired was exactly what he had feared ever since the day she came into his life, long before they were even together. Jasper was a monster, a creature that relied on instinct; he was a vampire. More than that, he was an unstable vampire. Why had he thought this would turn out any differently than it had? Why did he think he was good enough for her? Why did he think he was strong enough? Jasper was a failure, he'd always been a failure. And, he felt completely selfish for thinking of himself when Bella was the one lying in the hospital bed.
He could feel her fear, and he thought it was because she was afraid he was going to attack her again. That was what he'd thought originally when she saw him again after her birthday party the year before. Jasper never wanted to feel that from her again, but here it was. He was wrong, though. Right about the fear, but wrong about the reasoning. This was only because he was so quick to blame himself for everything.
Esme's pleading eyes and her gentle touch only served to sadden Jasper more. He wanted to give his mother the relief she needed, to assure her that everything was going to be all right and that she need not worry. But he couldn't do that. This situation was never going to be all right, and he couldn't lie to his mother. He couldn't lie to Bella. Jasper closed his eyes, and said nothing as Esme looked pleadingly at her son, even as Rosalie tried to encourage him. He just couldn't do it. He had to keep Bella safe, even from himself. When Esme finally stepped back, his eyes opened again but he kept his gaze on the floor.
"This is what I am, Bella," he said quietly. "I can't keep fooling myself into thinking I can be something I'm not. I'm dangerous, I'm a monster. The sooner all of you accept that, the easier it will be to let me go." He squeezed his eyes shut again, trying not to even think about the amount of pain he would feel when he knew his family forgot about him, when Bella forgot about him. "I won't hurt you anymore."
When Bella had been laying in the second floor of the house, bleeding and weak and a few moments away from what would have been an untimely death, she didn't recognize the person that stalked her like prey. She didn't know who the boy was with the dark, lifeless eyes and the fascination with the scent of her blood to the point where he wanted to feed from it. He was so different from the Jasper she fell in love with. As hard as she'd looked for him and begged for him to come back, he still went missing, further and further gone with every step he took toward her.
It felt like that person again. He was different – not the same as he'd been when he pinned her to the ground hours before. But he still wasn't the Jasper she knew. This one was so stricken with grief that he didn't want to stay. He didn't want to bewith her. Esme couldn't bring him around, nor Carlisle. Nor his siblings. Nor the girl he used to be in love with.
Her Jasper would never want to leave. Her Jasper would listen to what she was saying, understand how much she loved him with every piece of herself. He wouldn't go, name himself a monster because of something that he couldn't help. He wouldn't go when he already knew that Bella had forgiven him. There was no mistaking that she didn't hold him accountable. There was no mistaking that she was trying to exude all of the affection, all of the love she felt for him to try and fight against the grief he, in her opinion, unnecessarily felt. But maybe love wasn't strong enough. Maybe love couldn't bring her Jasper back, her soldier. Bella had always thought it would be, but when he couldn't even stand to look at her, she was beginning to think she was gravely mistaken.
Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if this hadn't happened before. But it had. She had been left before for the same reasons – it was too dangerous, it wasn't meant to work, they were from different worlds and there was too much risk. She'd fallen apart then. She'd been an empty, hollow shell. But this… This was a hundred times worse. Bella didn't think she would ever recover from him leaving. She didn't even want to try. She would have rather have stepped right into the middle of the battlefield and have been torn apart by millions of hands.
But it was his decision. She'd tried and failed to convince him of otherwise. If he would feel better – even if it was just because he felt as if he couldn't harm her – then she wanted it for him. Whatever Jasper decided was best for him was what Bella would support.
Clearly, it wasn't her.
"Okay." It was all she could whisper. If she said anything else, she would have lost her composure completely. She wouldn't do that to him. She wouldn't do that until he was gone. But as she laid back down, defeat and sadness weighing heavy as she turned her back to face the opposite empty wall, it was damn hard to do.