Disclaimer: Poo.................dles
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Scheming! Jack
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"Ship!" yelled Gibbs, pointing at what was, indeed, a ship on the horizon. "Looks like a merchant. They should be easy to take."
"All right," said Jack, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "What we do now, is we hang all our pots and pans and general cooking utensils over the sides of the Pearl so that we move slowly and look harmless. We shadow the ship for exactly five days, during which time we fly a new flag every day to confuse them: first the British flag, then the Spanish flag, and so on in a logical fashion. When we are good and ready, we will attack at night, bringing our ship up alongside theirs. While we get positioned, half the crew will, in the guise of fine ladies out for an evening boat trip in the middle of the Atlantic, slip up alongside the merchants in the dark, and take them by surprise. We loot and break their ship, leaving them equipped only to limp into port in exactly two weeks. How's that sound?"
"Needlessly complicated and difficult," replied Anamaria. "Can't we just board, loot, and abandon their ship like we usually do?"
"Oh, fine then," sighed Jack, disappointed. "But after we take their ship, we don't let them go. We recruit them into our crew, and have a second ship under me, Commodore Jack Sparrow. Then we team up with numerous other pirate crews and start a trading scam to cause civil unrest, charging far too much for common household goods, and blocking out the other traders to the colonies. They will get so frustrated with what they think is bad British trade that they will revolt and start a new, weak country, which will be easy to raid!"
"Yeah, after a lot of back breaking work and frustration," countered Gibbs.
"Okay, then we can go back to England, where I will bribe and threaten my way into Parliament under the alias of Sir Edmund Sausage, and work my way into the queen's good favor. Then, one night, when she least expects it, I will poison her and take her place. With my beautiful silky locks, no one will ever know the difference!"
"Not even the king?" asked Gibbs skeptically.
"Hmmm," thought Jack. "Gibbs, I will poison him too, and you can be king! Our children will inherit the throne!"
"We can't have children, Jack," objected Gibbs. "We're both men."
"Oh," Jack pondered this new dilemma for a moment. "Well, then, Anamaria can be king, and we'll have royal children together. As queen it is my divine duty to make an heir."
"So the king will be pregnant?!" asked Anamaria. "Won't people notice?"
"Of course not," grinned Jack. "You'll go on a holiday to some remote location and I'll stuff pillows up my dress so that when the baby arrives everyone will think I did it."
"Why can't I just be queen and you be king?" demanded Anamaria.
"Are you kidding?" asked Jack. "No one would ever mistake you for a queen!"
"But they would mistake you?" she grumbled. "Do you even plan to shave?"
"...yes," lied Jack.
"How about we just loot the ship and go get drunk?" suggested Gibbs.
"Okay," said Jack.
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Yes, I know that was very short, but that's all there is. So, to appease your mighty demandingness, I shall give you a short story.
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Once upon a time, there was a man named Jack. Jack was a man, a very manly man who liked to eat Manwiches and do manly things. So, it was a very nasty shock to him when one day, he discovered that he liked to wear dresses. He liked to wear dresses so much that he would hide out in his room and try them on all day.
He bought some nice petticoats and flowery hats to go with the dresses he had found in the attic, and strolled about in front of his mirror, feeling a bit less manly, but very happy with his clothing. He blew himself kisses, and, one day, he forgot he was wearing his nice yellow dress and went to the store still wearing it.
Jack the manly man was so manly that he had grown a beard, so it was obvious to all that he was not a woman, and that it must be indecent for him to wear a dress, for after all, transvestites are supposed to be gross. Few wanted to admit that they found him to be manly and attractive in his nice yellow dress, because it made them feel uneasy about modern manliness. So they called the police.
The police came and took Jack the manly man away for wearing the wrong clothes, and he was sad. His cell did not suit him, even though it was somewhat manly, since it was more smelly and full of little bugs than anything else.
The court could not find a reason to lock Jack the manly man away for too long, so they decided to send him to a support group, thinking it might make him stop wearing dresses, even that nice yellow dress that had gotten him into trouble. Jack was sad, but he agreed to go, so they could not lock him up in the smelly cell again.
At the support group, Jack the manly man met Juan, who had gotten caught wearing a dress, and had been sent away to an insane asylum even though he only did it as a clever disguise. Jack liked Juan. Juan was manly like Jack. He also met Ed, who was an artist, and who liked angora. Ed was nice too, but not quite as manly. Jack also met Bon Bon, but he did not really like Bon Bon, as Bon Bon was not manly enough.
And so, Jack the manly man made new friends who were also manly, and who also liked to wear dresses. And they all took turns hosting dress-up meetings at their houses, and lived happily ever after.
The End.