Love.

Life.

Soul.

I was so glad you weren't there to see, last night. Feeling your eyes on me would have killed me. I couldn't have loved you anymore if you had seen my punishment. How could I love you if I knew you could never love me after seeing me thus degraded. No, I was happy you weren't there.

After everything I did for them, after helping them inside the castle, after returning to them even when I had failed my task and nothing but punishment could have waited for me...After all that I still supposed that I had deserved some sort of praise, some sort of help. All I got was aching bones and a broken sense of pride.

Yet I knew that not returning was never an option. They had you and my family and I was not going to make anyone else take the fall for my own mistakes. And yet, I know I expected help from my family for my return. I expected them to want to keep me safe from harm as I had done them by returning.

My faith in family...I don't think it can be restored, love.

Those eyes! Those red, burning eyes! They never left me. Not when He called me forward, not when the circle of black cloaks closed around me, not as He himself raised his wand. I remember that, for the first time, I felt my own eyes plead. Never had I felt so naked, so humiliated.

I begged, my love. Can you see how low I sank? To save myself, I begged like the little lapdog I apparentally am inside. But of course He didn't listen, nor had I really expected Him to. But the humiliation of hearing my voice scream, admitting to the pain, I could not have borne you seeing me like that.

I wanted to die, love. I wanted the pain to be over for ever, never to feel the gaze of everyone there on me as if I were nothing more than dirt on their shoes again.

I remember looking at my father, desperate to find a way for it to end. He didn't even look me in the face. The cowardly bastard averted his eyes, not giving me the light of day. I am his son! He should have, could have, done something. I am his son!

Through my own screams I couldn't hear, but I saw my aunt stepping away from the circle. Why, I don't know, but after that the pain stopped. I think it was no longer interesting to watch me squirm, because they left...They just walked away as if nothing had happened. Even He didn't look at me as He passed.

I couldn't get up from the floor, my body just resisted. But when I finally raised my head, I saw my aunt, standing there as if she had waited for me to get up, but she wouldn't even look at me.

Family isn't all that important, love. Trust only me as I trust only you. Family betrays.

You deserved to die, you know you did, she said to me. If family means so little, I'll not have anything to do with them anymore. As long as you are there, I won't need anyone else. Certainly not my family.

You deserved to die, you know you did. But it would have broken my sister and I will not allow dirt like you to be the cause of that.

I don't need any of them. Not my father or aunt and not that greasy Halfblood who 'heroically' stepped in to do what I could not.

All I want is to be where you are, my love. But even that can't be. The Dark Lord has sent me away to make ammends for my mistakes. I will have to do to others what others have done to me. The mere thought of having to listen to, no, to be the cause of screams that I uttered too...If I could, I would walk away, but I know this is my last chance. And with His faith I would lose all access to you. To lose you is more than I could ever take.

So please, love. Trust no one, no one but me. Keep safe, and keep me in your thoughts. Don't let them come too near, don't let them weave you into their web like they did me. Keep safe.

Yours,

D.