Chapter 2: Sacrifice
The talk with Zaal'Koris went better than I originally expected, Shepard thought as he closed the link to the Migrant Fleet. He now knew someone he could contact in the Conclave as a representative as well as a ship's Elder to finalize Tali and his clan status. Next he had to familiarize himself with the Rite of Guardianship. I wonder if Shala's lifemate could help me with that. He looked up at his desk clock and saw about forty minutes had passed. But that'll have to wait for now. The message from Miranda that was waiting for him when he and Tali brought Raela up to their home for the first time was making its way back to the front of his mind.
Turning his chair to face the fish tank he turned off his terminal and looked through his models and onto Tali, lying on top of their bed. The bubble with little Raela was at the center with little nutrient tubes and packets of Omni-gel scattered about. She was busy with a tube in one hand and wriggling her fingers at the child with the other. The bubble would rock back and forth a little and Tali would coo and make other soft noises. Then she would move the tube to a slot on top of the bubble and push it down, trying to find a paste the child would accept.
I'm glad she took her mask off; I can see it in her eyes how much she is enjoying this. He continued to sit there and relished watching her, exaggerating the expressions on her face as she talked to the little one. Her smile was the biggest and most frequent expression. She'll want to show that as often as she could. Who knows how long she'll have to go with her mask on and never show her face? He got up out of his chair and slowly walked to the stairs, stopping to lean on the center wall and looked onto the bed where the two Quarians were enjoying themselves. At least with this new mission, we'll have a little more time together before we see the board.
The bubble shook rapidly for a second and Tali nudged her face toward the head area, smiled and twirled her fingers at the inhabitant. She then pulled her head back, stroked the bubble with her other hand and darted her eyes up to where John was standing. He felt the warmth of the look all over his body. His lifemate was deeply satisfied and she was making sure he felt it. He smiled and nodded in acknowledgement. I'll make sure she gets as much time as she needs.
"How's she doing?" He made his way to the bed and crawled up to the other side of the bubble.
"She's fussy." Tali was working another nutrient tube into the slot, accepting the difficulty of getting the child to take the paste, a little worry on her face.
He pointed at the random tubes lying around, "What's in the tubes?"
"A little mixture I made, I diluted it to make it easier for her to digest." She twisted the tube into place and pushed it down to the infant's face, trying to get the tip into her mouth. "She's not staying still; the nipple's not staying in her mouth." John chuckled a little.
"What?" she said looking at him.
"Well," he looked at the bubble, at the struggle going on between the mouth and the foreign object. "I've never heard you say that word before. You say it real cute."
"What, nipple?" She looked back onto the bubble and fought to get the tube into the infant's mouth. "You say it more than enough for the both of us." A sly smile crossed her lips.
"Well, I say it in a different context. It's more playful when I say it." He started inspecting the bubble. "I think it'll work if you just shove it in her mouth, give her no other option."
With the tube finally getting into the baby's mouth Tali tilted her head up to meet John's gaze, "Thanks." She then smiled suggestively, "Since you say it so playfully, perhaps when I say it, I should say it with more authority?" His eyes widened and he lost focus on the bubble.
"Don't give me that look. It's like you're asking for permission." She laughed and looked down to the bubble. The tube popped out of the baby's mouth and Tali decided to put the tubes away for now. "What did you hear from Koris? How soon can we see the board?" she asked enthusiastically.
"Well," he shifted his body and sat up on the edge of the bed. "He said a board is already assembled, just like you thought, and that they'll accept us as soon as we're able to get there."
"Good." She had started to put the tubes into a small baggy and stopped when she noticed John still sitting there. There's more, she suspected. She turned to look over her shoulder. "What is it?"
"Before we got up here we got a call from the council. Miranda took it and altered our course. We are to report back to council space immediately to accept a special assignment. We should be arriving at the Citadel tomorrow and should be done in a couple of days, a week at most."
Tali's mood changed, not dramatically, but worry entered her expressions and she stopped putting the tubes in the baggy. She sat right up and stared directly into his eyes. "John, can't we request someone else to take it?"
"No. One of the councilors requested me personally. Something about a diplomat being transported to a negotiation…" he stopped when she forced her hand onto his leg.
"We're not a transport service! They shouldn't be making these insignificant requests of you. Use your Spectre status to get out of it!" She was starting to get agitated.
"Sweetheart, I can't." He noticed how touchy this subject had quickly become and reached his hand out and placed it on her thigh. He needed to know what was bothering his lifemate. "Tali, what's wrong?"
She turned to face the couch and started inhaling deeper breaths. "A few days? A week? John, we don't have that much time." Her fingers slowly made their way up to her lap, wringing together soon after.
"Tali, Koris said they can accept us any time. Besides, we have the bubble and after we stop at the Citadel we'll have enough food…" She quickly turned to him and braced her hands on his arms. "John, it's more than that."
Worry made its way onto his face now. "What do you mean?"
She squeezed his arms very tightly, then quickly let them go and placed her hands back into her lap. "The bubble, the nutrient paste, they're important, but…" She looked down at her fidgeting fingers.
John grabbed them and held them still with one hand and used his other to gently move her face toward his. "But what?"
She stared into his eyes and took a deep breath. "John. She needs mother's milk."
Slowly he nodded and contemplated what she said. "Okay, so we'll find some on the Citadel."
"No, John. We won't be able to find any there" she said shaking her head.
"Would Turian milk do?"
She quickly turned her entire body toward him. "No John, you don't understand. She needs mother's milk. Quarian mother's milk. It can only be found with another Quarian and the nearest one is orbiting Rannoch."
"So what options do we have? We can't wait?"
"No we can't. John, it is bad enough that she's made it this far without it. Maybe another day, but after that." Her eyes had started to water. "John, her immune system, I thought we could hold it off for a day or two at most, but mother's milk is essential to the immune system. It's the only natural source of immune boosters we have to make her strong enough to adapt to infections." Her sobbing had grown and small tears fell from her eyes. "John, if she doesn't get it soon she'll never be strong enough." She tilted her head and started softly crying. John held her arms and drew her close to him. "She can never leave her suit. Never touch anything, smell anything. She can never kiss and she'll never be able to join with anyone."
John pulled her closer and held her tightly as she sobbed in his arms. "I'll call the councilor, this is too important to put off."
"No," she sniffed. She couldn't believe this had to be said. "John you can't abandon your mission. You'll become rouge and put everyone's life on this ship in danger."
"Then I'll put you on a shuttle and you'll both go to the Fleet and when I'm finished…"
"No!" She straightened her back and pointed a finger at him, her face still a heavy purple from crying. "John, we will not abandon each other like that! This is too important. We either do this together, or we don't do it at all." She brought up her hand and wiped the tears from her face. "And don't you ever, EVER bring up an option or suggest that we separate each other like that again!" She turned to face away from him, put her hands in her lap and continued crying.
John sat there for a second, absorbed in the moment from Tali's scolding. He had no idea this suggestion would hurt her so much. He inched closer to her and slid his hand into her lap and around one of her hands. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry" he said in his most gentle voice.
She looked at him and saw the pain in his eyes. "John," she said softly and gently turned back to him and put her hands into both of his, "You're my soul. I can't stand to be apart from you, even on this ship. And to be that far away from you when I need you the most?" She shook her head. "No, everything I do, I do with you." She squeezed his hands and he squeezed hers back.
"What other options do we have?"
She looked down and to the side, "Well, I...well with the right hormones..."
"Tali?"
She looked back up at him. "I, I can produce mother's milk."
The first thought that popped into the front of John's mind was quickly pushed to the back. He was a little embarrassed, but mostly mad at himself for thinking that though. Don't you dare come into my mind now. He rubbed her inner thigh and tried his best to reassure her. "A...are you going to be okay with that?"
"It's not about what I'm okay with," She turned to face the bubble, "it's about what she needs."
He nodded his head and stood up. "Then I'll talk to Mordin and see what he can do for us." He turned to walk toward the door when Tali reached for his arm and grabbed it, stopping him. "Wait, John." He looked down to her, sitting on the edge of the bed, she looked nervous and hesitant. "If I'm to produce mother's milk, then she's going to have to adapt to me."
John nodded, "Okay."
She looked to the bubble and started shaking her head. "No, I shouldn't".
He leaned towards her, she was conflicted and he needed to know why. "Tali, what's wrong?"
"If she adapts to me she'll survive," she looked up to him "but if the board takes her away? The stress of adapting to a new mother would be very risky, possibly harmful to her." John smiled a little and spoke with a cheerier voice. "Well, that's good. Maybe the board will consider that in our favor."
"No John, I couldn't do that."
"Why not?"
"John, if I did that, and they rewarded her to us, then every time I see her," her breathing became more shallow and her eyes started to water as she looked to the bubble. "Every time I look to her I'll know that the reason I have her is," she turned to John. "Is because I cheated." She closed her eyes and looked away from John, sobbing.
Damn it Tali. Can't you see you deserve this child? John needed to ground her, to help her focus on what she needed to do for this child.
"Tali" He said firmly. He reached across her face and pulled it towards his. "Tali we have to do everything possible we can for her. We have to give her every opportunity, make every sacrifice, and give her every chance to grow healthy and strong. It's not about what we want; it's about what she needs. And right now she needs you," Tali looked at him lovingly and reached for John's face, placing her hand on his cheek. "And when she's an adult, whether she's our child or not, she'll find us and thank us for what we're doing for her right now. For fighting to give her every chance to survive. For making it possible for her to become that adult."
Tali smiled between her tears. Oh she loved him so much. Yes he's fighting for her, but he's fighting for me too. "I'll have to put my mask back on and run a steri-cycle before I begin."
John nodded and stood, still holding Tali's hands. "Let me go speak to Mordin now."
Tali quickly frowned and looked down. "John, while we're adapting…" She looked up at him and started tearing, a sob escaping her, "You can't be here." John stared at her for a moment. "Not at all?"
She shook her head. "John, she's going to have a hard enough time adapting to me, and I'm a sterile Quarian." She immediately looked down and started sobbing harder. She wanted her lifemate there with her, to experience this with her. For a Quarian couple that would be little trouble, but John? The thoughts of what he'd be missing out on made her heart ache.
"Tali, it's okay. I'll…I'll put on a suit."
"No, you shouldn't have to wear…"
He kneeled down to comfort her. "Hey, then after she adapts to you, she can adapt to me and we can move forward."
Tali shook her head as more tears started to flow. John grabbed her upper arms and pulled her close. "No, John. She's just a child." She looked up to him, hurt filling her eyes "You'll kill her." She sniffed and wiped her tears off with her hand. "John, you can never adapt to her. Never." He pulled her in close and held her tight. She squeezed him tighter, sobbing even more. He's never going to have the relationship with his daughter the way any father should. No matter who's wearing it, there will always be a barrier between the two of them. She wanted so badly to have a child with him, but now she wanted even more to have a child they can both share.
John sat there squeezing Tali. This woman loves him so much, wants to share everything with him, give everything to him and do everything she could to make him happy, but it made him sad that the one thing she wanted most for him, a child to share, is something she could never give him and he knew how much that hurt her. Now they have that chance, but that child they can share he will never have contact with, never have the physical relationship with her father the way any other child should. John, it's time to step up. You know what Tali has to sacrifice, it's now time you made yours to give her the child she deserves. He pulled away and rubbed her arms.
"Tali, I know you don't want to see me in a suit and that it's a cruel game that nature is playing on us, but it's the sacrifice I have to make. I'm going to be in that suit because I love you and I'm going to be here, right here, by your side. Always."
"John…"
"Tali", he put his hand up to finish. "She may never know my touch, what my skins feels like, what my stubble is like, what my hair smells like or even be able to kiss my cheek," he moved his hand down and rubbed her inner thigh, it was his favorite affectionate spot to rub. "But the greatest relationship in my life started that way." She huffed a small laugh and a light smile grew on her face. "She may not know all those things, but Tali," He held her closer and looked deep into her eyes. "Tali, she's going to know my face."
Her eyes lit up. She gasped and moved her hand to her chest, right over the spot where her pal'tec vis surden John gave her at their bonding ceremony was kept. With tears streaming down her face she wrapped her arms around his head and kissed him, kissed him so deeply they both had to struggle to breath. His face. Keelah, she's going to know his face! The one thing she worked so hard for, tried so desperately to win from her own father, John would freely give to this child.
Wow, I just said what was in my heart. I always knew what looking at her father's face meant to her. I'll make sure this child, our child, is raised with as much Quarian affection as I can give. John continued kissing her, something he never truly ever wanted to end.
Tali pulled away first. She glided her hand over his cheek and traced her fingers over his jaw line. "This is going to be our last time to kiss again until she's adapted." She continued tracing her fingers down his neck and onto his chest. "I would join with you one last time, but I need my body to be as sterile as I can get it."
He held her hand on his chest and squeezed it; he saw the longing in her eyes. Slowly he leaned to the side of her helmet and whispered in her ear, "Saera."
She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. That word, their word, always electrified her. It took her almost an hour one night to explain to him what that word meant, how that one word symbolized everything their relationship stood for. To hear him whisper it to her, in this context, with that much delicacy, Keelah, I want to join with his so badly. She wrapped her arms around his head again and started kissing him, only deeper than she ever thought possible. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow streamed down her face, tears for the love this man has shown her and tears for the time they'll be apart.
Since their bonding ceremony, they've never been apart for more than a few hours. Even after their week of seclusion they would find time to get her suit at least partially off during the day. Every night though the suit would come completely off, her one rule, even if they didn't plan on joining, but even the best laid plans go astray.
John pulled her away from their kiss. He took her hand and guided her to the door. She quickly turned and grabbed her mask off the table and turned back to him. When they reached the stairs they stopped again and kissed. I'm going to miss this so much. It's going to be days before I can smell her scent, feel her soft skin again. He moved his right hand up to her cheek and his left down her back.
Stupid glove! Tali fidgeted with it to get it off, but she knew she needed to keep it on to minimize exposure. Messing with her glove meant not holding John so she wrapped her arms around him and pressed against his back. My hands aren't the only thing I can feel with. She stopped kissing him and rubbed her cheek against his. John in turn kissed her cheek and then started his way down her neck as far as her helmet would allow. Tali started to moan and her knees were going weak.
John stepped backward and up to the inner door. After the assault on the collector base they had an extra door installed in their cabin and made the hallway into a decontamination room. Their cabin now a sterile environment, Tali would be allowed to take her suit off whenever she pleased. As he reached the door he continued kissing her neck. She breathed deeply, her eye lids becoming heavy and pressed her body hard into John, causing him to slam against the door. They stopped kissing and gazed deep into each other's eyes. She pressed her chest against his and slid it down his abdomen and slowly back up. His rolled his eyes back and wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her up above his head. Grabbing the sides of his face she pressed her lips hard against his. John squeezed her harder than he ever thought he would.
He slowly let her back down, lips still locked and sensuously massaged against hers. As he slowly pulled away for the last time she darted her tongue out and flicked the tip of his lips. That was her Quarian seal and she knew how much he loved it. Leaning toward his neck she took a final deep breath in, allowing his scent to fill her lungs, "I'm going to miss you."
John smiled down at her, "I'm going to be right here."
The door opened and John backed up into the small room, reaching his hand over to the control panel.
Smiling back she positioned her mask into place."I love you."
"I love you, too." John pushed the controls and the door slid shut, the last noise he heard from the cabin was the click and hissing of her mask as it sealed.