Title: Already Gone
Rating: M/NC-17
Genre: Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy
Summary: Sheldon and Leonard have been together for three months and they were making plans for a nice future together. At least, that's what Leonard thought; until his entire world is turned upside down and he is forced to make a drastic change.
Warnings: M/M Sex, Homophobia and Bi-Phobia, Language, and Not So Nice Sheldon At First
Author's Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews! It means a lot! I'm glad you are liking this so far! Warning angst ahead, I'm sorry. This was hard to write. I hope you can trust me to stick around through the next few chapters of mean!Sheldon. It won't be forever.
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Bang Theory or anything/anyone associated with it; because if I did, Johnny Galecki would never get to work. *dirty smile*
Chapter 2: Beginning of a Breakdown
He hadn't been able to shake the crippling thought since they left the apartment; especially since any form of affection Leonard tried to initiate on the way to work was met with indifference. It was tearing his heart up.
"...need for my constant attention….more important things…"
What did that mean?
They took up each other's attention most of the time, but that was normal in relationships. Did Sheldon think Leonard was trying to monopolize him? Because that wasn't the case at all. And yet, Leonard is usually pretty good at picking when he's irritating the taller man, and he had never been given any indicators.
He thought everything was going great.
He thought he finally found the one person who understood him.
He thought he finally had someone who loved him back.
"…this conversation is frankly a bore to me...need for my constant attention…"
Leonard looked up from his calculations when he heard a knock on his office door. Howard Wolowitz was standing there with his normal goofy grin and colorful attire. The physicist smiled in spite of his troubling thoughts.
"Hey, buddy," the engineer said and plopped into the chair sitting in front of his desk. "Missed you at lunch today," he said with a significant pause, crossing his legs and stretching out. "Something going on or – "
Leonard bit his lip and shook his head as nonchalantly as possible. "Nah," he tried to say with a smile. "Everything's fine!" He cleared his throat and sat a little straighter. "I'm just, you know, up to my nose in theorems and hypothetical questions from all of the graduate students at the university I've been substitute teaching for."
"Oh," Howard said and cleared his throat. "How's that been going for ya?"
"Actually," he said with a happy little sigh, "It's been fantastic. I never knew teaching someone could feel so rewarding. I think this is the most fun I've had since getting my PhD."
"Really? Wow. Never took you for the teacher type."
"You know, I didn't either," Leonard told him with a thoughtful look while putting his pen down. "But I had gone ahead and gotten my license anyway, just as a backup and a way to get some extra cash here at the university; and every time I talk to that class about the relevance of string theory or help them learn how to manipulate a laser; I just can't help but feel at peace." He smiles in spite of himself. "It's like…" he thought about it for a second. "Okay, it reminds me that I may be a scientist that's trying to better the world, but there are hundreds – maybe thousands - of others who want to help. And who knows, maybe they can even do more than me and somehow we're all …connected or something in our want for more knowledge about how things work." He smiled brightly for the first time that morning, really feeling impassioned in what he was saying. "And there's just something about…being the one who instilled that information in their minds. Like, what if because of my tutelage, they go on to cure cancer or something like that!"
Howard raised his eyebrows and chuckled a little at that, "Okay, yeah, way too deep for me."
Leonard deflated and rolled his eyes.
"You know if I didn't know better it would sound like you're changing careers?"
The physicist shook his head and sighed, "No. I'm not."
"Huh," the engineer replied with narrow eyes. "You could sound a little more passionate about your real job, then."
"Why'd you really come here?" Leonard asked, wanting to change the subject.
"I was wondering if you could explain why Sheldon was at lunch without you, cause you guys have been inseparable for months now and…well…when you came in today, you looked as if you'd like nothing better than to run home and ball your eyes out."
Leonard huffed, "Thanks, buddy," he said sarcastically while sitting up. "That makes me feel better."
"So you admit it, then?" the smaller man says with widened eyes. "There's something wrong?"
Leonard stared at his wooden desk as if asking it to give him the words he needed to process his situation with one of his closest friends. Eventually, he gave up and shrugged.
"I don't know, Howard," he grumbled out. "I mean…okay so he basically accused me of purposely eavesdropping on his conversation with his mother this morning, and then said I'm trying to be the center of his attention all the time and he didn't have time for it anymore…but that could just mean he wants to be left alone for a while and later he'll explain what was wrong."
The engineer raised an eyebrow. "Sheldon said that stuff to you?"
"More or less," the other man shrugged. "I mean, I may have exaggerated a little, but that's it in a nutshell."
"Wow," Howard said. "That's totally unexpected. I mean, you guy have just been so…cute – for lack of a better word – these last few months. I sooner expected a proposal than the beginning of another breakup for you."
Leonard groaned. "Could you not predict the worst? My mind is already thinking that, I don't need you to too."
"Well what do you need?" he asked and leaned forward. "From where I'm sitting it's to talk to loverboy."
Leonard couldn't argue with that, but it didn't necessarily make him feel better. "What if I talk to him and he does dump me?"
"What do you mean what happens? He dumps you – "
"No," he cut him off and stood up, heading for the small window overlooking the grounds of the campus. "I mean what am I gonna do, Howard? I really thought this was it for me. That I was done looking and we were making plans together!" He spins around, cursing the damn tears that have been hiding behind his eyes as they slowly begin to fall. "I really really thought he loved me." He sniffed and wiped his face. "God, now I look like a fucking girl."
"Hey, hey, hey," Howard said and came forward to give the vulnerable man a hug…if a little awkwardly. "No, you don't." There was a snort and Howard rolled his eyes, "Okay, maybe a little. But it's okay to be upset."
Leonard pulled back and shook his head. "I just don't understand what's so wrong with me, that no one ever stays!"
"Yeah, now you sound like a girl," Howard snorted.
Leonard sniffed and wiped his face again. "I'm sorry; it's not your problem. But thank you for listening, it means a lot."
"Sure," the smaller man nodded and stepped back some more. "I have to get back to the Mars Rover, I left it in the hands of Koothrappoli to come talk to you and who knows what kind of damage he's caused."
Leonard chuckled a little bit and nodded, "Yeah. Go ahead, I'm fine. Really."
Howard nodded back and eyed him critically before turning and leaving. Leonard was left preparing for the end of his life until the mail came.
Sorting through it halfheartedly, he almost missed the embossed letterhead from Harvard. Well, what could they want?
~S&L~
That night, the whole gang – including Penny – were sitting around the coffee table eating Chinese food like usual.
Everyone raised their eyebrows when Sheldon didn't object to his chicken being shredded, and Penny looked to Leonard who was doing everything he could to sink into the couch cushions. The air was charged and everyone could taste the impending doom. It made Leonard, most of all, twitchy.
This went on for a few minutes until the awkward silence finally got to the waitress/actress.
"So uh," she said around a mouthful of fried rice, "anyone wanna tell me why Shelnard" she said indicating the boyfriends with her chopsticks, "are acting like they're waiting for a bomb to go off?"
"That's ridiculous, Penny," Sheldon began and rolled his eyes at her. "I would not remain stationary, if I had any indication that a bomb were about to go off in this apartment. And further, the likelihood that someone would wish to put one in here is very slim."
Penny eyed him and snarked, "I can think of a few reasons."
Sheldon glared at her then replied, "Maybe to finish the job you started?"
Everyone paused.
You could literally hear a pin drop. Howard and Raj were frantically looking between Penny and Sheldon, and Leonard felt his heart break. He knew where this was going.
"Excuse me?" she asked. The calm in her tone not hiding the warning clearly being conveyed.
"I believe the phrase is, 'You heard me,' and the intent of my remark to be quite obvious," He told her with a smile Leonard hadn't really ever seen on his Shelly before. It was cruel and heartless, and cut him to the core. Made him grab a napkin to hide hot tears that were burning behind his eye lids as he closed them tightly, trying to block out what was coming next. "To finally be rid of Leonard and his undying passion for you, so you can finally engage in coitus with all of California and not feel guilty about it." Everyone but Leonard's jaw dropped. "I mean, I'm sure you are probably already a quarter of the way there, considering all of the men we see come out of your door; and if you count everyone in Nebraska with whom you – shall I utilize a common colloquialism – screwed, you could be even more optimistic with your projection and say half way there."
Penny threw her box of rice down on the coffee table ignoring the granules that flew around and making Raj jump. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"
"Sheldon, whoa, that was horrible!" Howard said in both surprise and disgust.
"I'm so sorry," Leonard told her and covered his face.
Sheldon refused to back down. "Well, I'm just being honest. Have you ever thought of hanging up a sign reading, 'Open and ready for business!'?"
"Sheldon, stop it," Leonard cried and stared at the man he loved more than he could explain with wide, red eyes. He didn't know why he was crying. It had to be the pent up stress of the day from all his overhanging fears coming true mixed with the deep pain in his gut at watching his hopes die a bloody death before his eyes. He never thought this day would come.
"Why ever would I do that?" Sheldon replied, and if possible, his voice sounded even crueler. "Do you harbor feelings for the tramp that metaphorically broke your heart and sent you crawling to me like a dying dog desperate for affection?"
The experimental physicist let out a loud sob at that, not caring or even cognizant that the others were staring at him with a mix of emotions. "Penny is not a tramp!" he yelled, noticing the very well masked flinch in his partner's face. "She's your friend!"
"Not anymore," she said and stood, heading for the door.
Leonard looked her way as he called her name. She paused and turned around, obviously pissed but also seeming as if she were on the verge of breaking down herself, but had too much pride to express it in the company she was with. Leonard envied her restraint. "I'm so sorry. Please sit down," he begs her.
"Why are you apologizing," she yelled and crossed her arms. "You did nothing wrong. Your psychotic boyfriend said you act like a 'dying dog starving for affection.' There's something wrong with that."
"And what would that be?" Sheldon said as he put his food down. "That he's my boyfriend and not yours. Is that the problem you speak of?"
"Are you fucking insane?!" She screamed and stomped over to the couch with a pointed finger. "My fucking problem is that you've gone nuts! You think you can call me a whore and get away with it? Think again. I've had it with your shit. I don't have to put up with it, I don't live here. And if Leonard had any respect for himself, he'd punch you and leave your sorry ass here alone."
"Oh, Penny," he chuckled to himself. "We both know that Lenny here has none of that. Why else would he have let you play with him as much as you did?"
Howard gaped at Sheldon, and threw his napkin down as he stood over the man hurting his friends, "If this had been any other occasion and come from any other person, I may have laughed at that; but coming from his boyfriend, that's just mean!"
The theoretical physicist stood and towered over the smaller man, with a menace in his presence that left everyone with a chill running down their spine. "I'm not certain where your opinion is relevant, but if you have objections to how I am or my honesty, no one is keeping you here."
"Damn right," he growled and grabbed Raj's arm. "Let's go, Penny."
"I'm sorry, Penny," Leonard chokes out to her as she stalks to their front door.
"Are you going to let him talk to you like that?" she whips around and asks with fierceness in her eyes and ignoring Howard's guiding hand. "You deserve so much better, Leonard."
He couldn't look her in the eye. He couldn't look at anyone. He was too embarrassed and hurt to do anything but cover his face. He didn't understand what was happening.
When the door clicked shut, the two left in the room were silent. The smaller of the two, sitting and asking himself why he was still there. It was obvious that whatever had been going on for the last three months was nothing more than a sham. A game played on his mind to make him believe he was actually lovable and worth it, and then rip it away from him as painfully as possible.
Suddenly, it came to him while watching his…well…whatever he was now sit back down and pick back up his food as if World War 3 hadn't just happened in their living room and he hadn't just told his supposed to be partner exactly how little he thought of him. And it came so suddenly he laughed.
And laughed.
He laughed because the whole thing was absurd. He had been so stupid, because it was so obvious now.
"I don't really understand what you find amusing, Leonard, care to explain?" Sheldon said in his normal tone.
The tone he fell in love with. The tone that had made him believe there was hope for himself. The tone that preempted heated kisses on the very couch they were seated on, and made him give up the last of his heart that wasn't damaged beyond repair. It turned his laughter into sobs, because that tone only left him cold now. Reminded him of what he could have had, what he almost had.
He looked to Sheldon with tears cascading down his face in waves and says, "I get it now."
Sheldon seemed confused enough to stop eating, and he took that as his cue to continue. "What this was between us." He stops short and takes his glasses off to wipe his eyes with as much dignity as he could. "Bazinga!" he cries and hollowly chuckles through the tears. "You really got me this time."
The other man narrows his eyes. "I'm not following, Leonard."
"The whole thing was a prank," he croaked out and felt his chest constrict. Slowly he stood and made his way around the coffee table, looking into eyes as green as Irish hills, he continued, "You seduced me. Made me believe I could be loved…that I was worth it and it was all just…" he trails off with a wave of his hand.
Sheldon put his food back on the coffee table with a sigh and Leonard watched as he thought out his answer carefully. After what felt like hours, he said, "Is that what you really think?"
Leonard gaped at him and sniffed shaking his head. "I don't really know what to think, Shelly. One minute I'm the center of your universe and everything is perfect; and the next I'm annoying because I am," he shouted. "One minute I'm so happy I could have self-combusted out of sheer joy, because I thought we were in love; and the next I'm so fucking sad I wanna die, because you think I'm a dog starving for affection that's asking for too much attention."
"I don't," he says firmly. Leonard looks at him with disbelief. "I'm-I'm sorry," the taller man says and steps forward, frowning when the other man stepped back.
"Don't," he says and holds up his hands.
"But Lenny – "
"No!" the smaller man yells. "You can't make me feel this way and then expect me to forgive you," he cries and wipes his nose with a curse. "It's not fair," he growls, "to expect me to hear you out. What you did was awful. We'll be lucky if Penny ever speaks to either of us again!"
Leonard was met with silence, and he shook his head feeling the tears come back full force. He so tired of crying. "I can't do this anymore. I'm too tired. I'm too emotionally exhausted to even try," he cries. Taking in a deep breath, he says, "I need some time by myself. Please leave me alone."
With that he turned around and walked as well as he could while balling his eyes out to his room, slamming the door on the way in.