Big thanks to Celebrisilweth, DeLacus, JakePaulFan2012, JustAnotherGirl94, Marg1780, Meryem Schenyder, Mollyjean, Nigredo-Alchemist, Silhouettes of Starlight, emmakmc, firefoxxe, freedombutterfly, ktime27, marta madzia, MissKim2b and Wraven for following/favouriting. Plus a big big thanks to firefoxxe for giving me some great ideas for later chapters! Really appreciate it!
Celebrisilweth – This is a very feels filled story I should warn you now.
LisaG16 – Don't worry this isn't going to be one of those short stories with an ambiguous ending.
Nigredo-Alchemist – Happy you are enjoying it.
AN: Okay this chapter does involve actual self-harm. So if anyone feels this could be a trigger or they are uncomfortable then I'd recommend skipping the very last scene.
Misery
One week later
When Fili dropped a huge pile of books right beside Kili he jumped and let out a small scream. Smoothing his face out Kili looked up at his brother. Fili patted the pile of books before moving towards their bedroom door and locking it. At this Kili instantly pulled his shirt down. He knew his skin wasn't on show, but it had turned into a habit of his. As Fili pulled a chair over Kili kept his gaze down on his work. He knew what Fili would want and right now that conversation was the last thing on his mind.
"Kili, we need to talk."
Even though he knew his brother wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer, Kili tried to think up of an excuse.
"Not now Fili."
"Yes now!"
"I'm studying." He knew it was the wrong thing to say. Fili knew how much he hated having to study. Kili mentally kicked himself. What better way than to advertise he was trying to avoid this conversation. Fili snorted.
"Now I know something's wrong with you if you'd rather study than talk to me."
Kili opened his mouth in protest when Fili reached over and grabbed his books; pulling the over to his side of the table. Looking up Kili was shocked at the sadness in Fili's eyes. He had never seen his brother look so worried. Fili took his hand.
"Kili what is it?"
"I don't know what you mean Fili." The words rolled off Kili's lips easily. Fili rolled his eyes; tightening his grip on Kili's hand.
"Come on Kee! I know something's bothering you. You barely speak! You hardly eat! You lock yourself in your room! What's wrong nadadith?"
At the sorrow in his brother voice Kili was half tempted to tell him. He knew Fili would find out what he was doing one day. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want Fili to see how weak he had been. How easily he had let it all affect him. Pulling his hands away he ignored the hurt in Fili's eyes.
"Fee I'm fine. I've just been tired recently."
Fili shook his head, "We used to tell each other everything! Now you barely say two words to me! Kili please, just tell me what's wrong. I want to help you!"
Kili could feel himself shaking his head. Fili wouldn't be able to help him. Fili would just make him feel worse. He would show how weak Kili had been to not be able to deal with the words himself. Brushing himself down Kili blinked back his tears. All he wanted was to be a child again. He wanted to run to his big brother who would swing him round and promise that everything was going to be alright.
"Fili I'm fine okay."
Fili nodded. But Kili knew his brother didn't believe him. Fili was halfway to the door when he turned back.
"Kee…I know I haven't been there for you recently. I've had extra studying to do and… The point is if you need me, no matter what, just find me. You know I'll always be there for you Kili." Kili gave a curt nod in response. Fili looked like he wanted to say more. But instead he simply bowed his head and left. Leaving Kili close to tears.
Half breed
Elf spawn
Mongrel
Bastard
Fili could feel himself grinding his teeth as Thorin paced up and down in his room. He knew his uncle wouldn't take the problem with Kili seriously. He would just assume his youngest nephew was exaggerating or attention seeking. And, if he was being completely honest, Fili had been exactly the same at first. He knew there were dwarves who teased his younger brother – he had fought them off enough times. But he hadn't heard of anything happening recently and he had assumed Kili was just trying to get people attention.
But then he had stopped talking. He barely ate at dinner and it was rare to see him out of his room when he didn't have to study or practise his fighting.
And it had been two months since he had gone near his bow.
That had been the thing that had told Fili something was wrong with his brother. Kili loved archery more than anything else. No matter what was wrong he would always use his skill with a bow to make him feel better. If he wasn't even doing that..?
Shaking his head Fili looked over at his uncle. Thorin was sitting in his chair by the fire. He held his pipe in one hand and – without waiting for an invitation – Fili sat down in the chair opposite.
"Thorin I need to talk to you. It's about Kili."
"What has he done this time?"
At the annoyance in Thorin's voice Fili clenched his fists. Why did Thorin always have to assume Kili had done something wrong? Thorin lived with them; surely he had noticed how upset Kili was?
"He hasn't done anything. I'm worried about him."
"Fili not this again," Thorin looked over, "I thought we talked about this already?"
Fili nodded, "I know. But I think…I think it's more serious than we thought. Uncle he isn't eating and he can barely bring himself to look at me!"
"Fili…"
"He hasn't picked up his bow in months!"
That got Thorins attention. He blinked at Fili before resting his pipe on his knee,
"Is that true?"
Fili nodded, "I've offered to go with him. I even asked him to teach me. He just refused or would ignore me. I've tried asking him what's wrong but he won't tell me. He's losing so much weight and I don't think he's sleeping!"
As hysteria crept into Fili's voice Thorin leaned over and rubbed his hands with a grim smile.
"What would you have me do Fili?"
"Talk to him. Get him to tell you what's upset him!"
Thorin rubbed his temples and Fili had to force back his tears. He didn't want to start crying over this. But he was Kili's older brother. It was his duty to make sure Kili was okay. He couldn't bear the idea of failing him. Thorin looked over at him.
"I can't force him to talk if he doesn't want to."
"You have to do something uncle!"
Thorin nodded, "I know that nephew. But this is something Kili has to do when he is ready. Whatever is upsetting him is clearly more than a matter of minor bullying," he smiled at Fili,
"Take him out for the day. Make him feel happy and comfortable. Try and coax the information out of him. Even if he only tells you a small percent of what's going on. It'll be better than nothing."
"What if that doesn't work?"
"In which case," as Thorin got up Fili did the same, "I'll talk to him myself. And I won't let him leave until he tells me everything."
Kili kept glancing at the door every few seconds. Ever since Fili had left he had waited with baited breath for his brother to march back in. And he couldn't afford for Fili to see this. If his brother saw what he had done to himself then Kili knew he'd be forced to explain himself. Explain how weak he was. How he was a failure to the line of Durin. Pushing his hair from his face Kili took a deep breath before pulling his shirt over his head. As he took in his lanky body he bit his lip. Muscle was starting to form on his torso although he still looked like a child. But then maybe that was down to the weight he had lost. His hip bones stuck out dramatically and Kili could count his ribs with ease. Running a finger down one side he shuddered as he came to his scars. Thin red lines that started half way up each side before running down to his hips and his thighs. Taking the knife he bit his lip, placing it against the underside of his arm. Several scars were there already and it was that which relaxed Kili. He had done this before. He knew what to do. Gently running the knife across his skin he hissed as a small stab of pain shot through his arm. Kili knew it would be temporary and he didn't cry out.
As his ear pricked to the sound of footsteps he shoved the knife in the top drawer of his bedside table and grabbed his shirt – falling flat on his face in the rush. Pulling it over his head and down his body he looked up to see Fili standing in the doorway. Kili waited; had he done it in time? Had Fili seen anything?
"Kili? What happened?"
Kili looked down at the floor that he was still lying on. Getting to his feet he attempted a casual shrug,
"I tripped and fell."
Fili gave him a good-natured head shake, "How are you feeling brother?"
Kili nodded, "I'm okay Fili."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Poor Kili! Things are going to get even worse next chapter. Kinda of a filler but I want to develop a few things first. As for Thorin I know it seems like he doesn't care about Kili but don't hate on him. Let me know what you all think xx