A/N: This chapter is going to not only be horribly morbid, but it's touching on some issues I've dealt with and still are some, but it's also being exaggerated a bit. Trigger warning for those who need it: suicide and cutting are mentioned. No, I am not suicidal now, so no one get worried. I'm fine :) The story gets much lighter in moods later on, I promise, and I hope you guys stick with me through this first chapter!

Chapter One (Alternative title: Free Falling):

With Nannies morning medicine out of the way along with my own anxiety/depression medicine I had to take and breakfast made accompanied by the fresh pot of coffee I had brewed; I went to sit outside on the screened in porch on my favorite rocking chair to try and enjoy the morning. I scrolled through social media after I put on some music from another of my apps to see what was going on in the world and puffed on my electronic cigarette. The day was just starting out, I found my mind trying to wander back to the night terror, so I made myself focus on the lyrics of the song I was listening to. I felt the weight of one of our three cats and the oldest, Osie jumping onto my lap, so she could perch herself on the arm of the rocking chair. She purred affectionately as I patted her head; almost like she knew I wasn't in a good place today and needed a buddy. I began to absentmindedly sing the lyrics to the song; even if I couldn't hold a tune to save my life.

"Blue lips.

Blue veins.

Blue, the color of our planet from far far away.

He stumbled into faith and thought.

'God this is all there is.'

The pictures in his mind arose.

And began to breathe.

And no one saw and no one heard.

They just followed lead.

The pictures in his mind awoke.

And began to breed." I stopped singing and turned my attention to the door opening. Nannie shuffled into the screen room, "Whatcha need Nannie?"

"Are you going to eat breakfast?"

"Not hungry," I answered far more harsh than I had intended to. I silently hoped that hadn't offended her enough to make my job harder than it was already proving to be this morning, "Maybe later I'll try and eat something. I'll be in before too long just taking a moment to myself."

She seemed satisfied with that answer, mumbling about how I needed to eat something, which I didn't protest to because doing so would keep her out here longer. I did feel empty; but it wasn't in response to hunger that I was sure of.

For months now I had been battling the depression that kept creeping up ever closer like a tiger closing in on their prey. It had been a losing battle so far, I had even gone out of my way to go to the mental health center in town that worked with people who had no insurance, to try and get help before I spiraled down the path I knew with familiarity as well as my reoccurring anxiety issues. I had sat down in the doctor's office and lied as she asked me if I had any thoughts of suicide; fully aware of the hell that brought on when I was younger and answered that question honestly.

As if I needed a silent reminder, the sunlight finally rose enough to shine onto both my arms, multiple trails from scars faded from years of healing lined them both from my elbow down to my wrist on the tops. That had been about two years after my mother had died; I was only thirteen and the same feelings I felt now was what I felt then. The painstaking loneliness that comes with fighting to stay afloat, abandonment from everyone you loved or cared about, and even with those emotions the worst of it was not feeling anything at all when you should be. It had become a struggle to get out of bed as if the world said I wasn't lazy enough.

I constantly entertained the thought of death to where it didn't seem abnormal anymore. It was an absolute I would reach sooner rather than later.

After a long minute lost in thought, realizing I had been skimming news and not even reading it, I paused to stretch. Osie plopped down from the chair with an eagerness to eat and I mused how long I could go without eating before I died. I felt like I had remembered someone said an agonizingly long week; quickly dismissing that idea. While it seemed fitting, I wouldn't succeed, it would most likely take too long and someone would catch on too fast.

The morning seemed to fly by; I kept myself as busy as I could cleaning the house. I had to fight the urge to give in to the crawling need to lay down on the living room floor and not get up every single time I stopped long enough to think. My bright blue headphones were attached to my head these days, one side flopped off of an ear so I could hear if anyone needed me, the music I listened to mostly just background noise so I couldn't focus on my thoughts. It was a trick I had trained myself to do growing up after mom's death; a simple way of coping when I felt I was already up to my ears in bullshit.

Lunchtime was dealt with and I forced myself to eat some of the chicken pot pie casserole I had painstakingly made the day before. Nannie sat down to eat yet again, and I strode off into my room, chanting to myself that at least Chris got off in a few hours.

Opening the news again on my phone; I saw an article that caught my eye as I was scrolling down. The headline read: TEN YEAR OLD THOUGHT TO BE MISSING FOUND DEAD

I clicked on it with my free hand, eating gingerly as I began to skim the article with somewhat renewed interest on why the child was found dead, assuming it would be another case of a murderer on the loose. Instead of what I had initially thought, it explained that the child had been camping with their parents on Mount Ebott, when the child had wandered off into the forest. Police had found one of the shoes of the child caught on a growing vine in a cave where they had took a long beaten path to get to and not far from the vine was a drop into a hole so far they couldn't even see the bottom to. They had concluded that the child, most likely not being able to see well in the darkness of the cave, fell in accidently and was announced dead on impact.

They continued stating that the mountain was said to be where the humans had banished the monsters long ago, so even if they hadn't died and survived the fall the monsters surely had killed the poor child. I faintly remembered my lessons in school covering the humans forcing the monsters underground because of a war between races. The news sight ended with a warning to campers and a picture of the child the parents had supplied for them. The kid was beaming ear to ear, scraggly red hair and freckles pasted on their face, and the pure innocence of youth practically radiated from the picture. I was supposed to feel sadness over this child's unjust and abrupt death; but all I really felt was too full from eating while I read.

An idea washed over me. Mount Ebott was the key I needed. If the impact killed the kid instantly, if I could find that hole and throw myself down it, I would be free. No more going through the motions. I had two hours to plan it out before Chris got home from work and I would want to be well under my way before then.

Picking up things to write with, I debated leaving him a note, but decided against it. I hated the idea of suicide notes. Instead of writing one all I wrote was, "I love you with all my heart. That will never change," and stuck it onto the keyboard where I know he was bound to see.

The only things I grabbed was my iPod and headphones. I figured where I was going and what I was doing I didn't need much. I stepped out back onto the porch, and with one last solitary pat on Osie's head to say goodbye, I walked down the street.

By the time I had gotten to the beginning of Mount Ebott, the sun was well into setting. It had started to get colder, which I should have felt more, but instead I stared blankly ahead. I passed several campsites and heard the ringing laughter of the families staying there as they were huddled around their fire pit. I tried to remember the last time I laughed and it seemed distant.

I had a hard time finding the worn trail in the dark. I stumbled and fell often until I finally broke down and stubbornly turned on the iPod I had brought fully charged to use as a flashlight. When the cave came into view the only way I knew it was the right one was the police tape that had been haphazardly taken down and littered all over the ground in the entrance. I slid on my headphones and after searching for the longest time I found the song I wanted.

Not wanting to fall before I was ready; I kept the iPod's backlight shined onto the ground and studied closely to make sure. It wasn't long into the song I found the thick vine that had tripped the child, as well as the gaping black hole that had resulted in their death.

I gave one last final sigh and tried to feel anything at all. After a moment of waiting and not feeling any emotion at all, I stepped over the vine carefully not wanting to leave any traces like the child had, as I stood on the very edge. I closed my eyes and turned the music I had all the way up; putting the iPod back in the pocket of my jeans.

I threw my arms up to the side and willed myself forward. There wasn't a panic reaction, I didn't even stop to try and catch myself, fully aware that this was the end. I did feel like the sudden world tilting and the speed at which it happened knocked the breath out of my lungs.

As I fell downwards into the abyss; I was filled with determination.