Chapter 2: Adjustment
Karen smiled through her tears. "What's wrong, angel? Did the storm wake you up?"
Five year old Grace Hayes Buchanan climbed up onto her mother's lap. She rubbed sleepy eyes with the back of her hand and yawned. She shook her head. "I had a dream."
Karen kissed her little daughter's forehead. "Was it a bad dream?"
Grace shook her head again. "No, Mommy. It was a nice dream. Daddy was here and we were playing on the beach. We were having a really good time, but Daddy had to go. He started walking down the beach away from us. I ran after him and I wanted to go with him, but he said I couldn't. Daddy said that I had to stay here with you 'cause I wasn't allowed to go where he was going. He told me to be a good girl and that he loved me very much. He just kept walking until I couldn't see him anymore."
"Oh, Grace," Karen whispered. It was all she could manage. She drew the child against her body and hugged her tight.
"I miss Daddy," Grace said quietly.
"So do I, Gracie," Karen told her in as steady a tone as she could muster.
The two held each other for a long time. Karen rocked her daughter back and forth wondering how she could tell the child that her beloved father would never play on the beach with her. It was Grace who spoke first. "Daddy calls me 'Gracie'. You always call me 'Grace'," the little girl noted.
"It sounds so pretty when Daddy calls you 'Gracie' that I thought you might like it if I called you 'Gracie', too," Karen explained not knowing what else to say.
Grace shook her head. "No, only Daddy can call me 'Gracie'." She settled back down with her head on her mother's shoulder and then sighed quietly. "Daddy's not coming back, is he, Mommy?"
Karen swallowed hard. She sat Grace back slightly so she could look her in the eye. "No, my darling. Daddy isn't coming back. You know that he went away to do some important work. Because of Daddy a lot of people are safe tonight. Those people would have gotten hurt or died if Daddy hadn't been there to help them. I know this is hard to understand, honey, but your father is a hero to a whole lot of people. You and I have always known how special Daddy is, but now a lot of other people know it, too."
Grace nodded as if she understood and, in some ways, Karen suspected that she did understand. Grace may have been just over five years old, but in many ways she was a lot older. Bill always referred to her as an old soul in a young body. Maybe it was from having older parents. Maybe it was because when she was born, both Bill and Karen were long past the youthful stage when most couples become parents and they never really treated her like a child. Consequently, she never really acted like one.
To say that Grace's conception was a surprise to Bill and Karen would have been an understatement to end all understatements! Karen could still hear herself, an echo from nearly six years past. Her voice rang incredulously in her own ears. "You're joking, aren't you?" she asked. "Please tell me that this is a joke."
The doctor stood calmly in front of her, his white coat starched and pressed. He had been her gynecologist for almost 20 years. "Karen, I wouldn't joke about this. The test is positive."
"But it could be wrong," she reminded him.
"Yes, the test itself could be a false positive, but I've examined you. You're pregnant."
"This is impossible!" Karen told him. "I'm 46 years old. Have you forgotten? I spent too many years and countless thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. The stress of it destroyed my marriage."
"I remember all of that. I don't know what to tell you," the doctor said with a slight shrug. "Sometimes it happens when women least expect it."
"Really? That's the best you can offer? I was married for 15 years and couldn't get pregnant. Now you're telling me that I get into a new relationship at age 46, have sex at most ten times in the last four months and I'm pregnant?"
"I know this is a shock. I think you need to take some time to adjust to the situation and then we need to talk."
The doctor's calm was infuriating Karen even further. "Adjust to the situation? Listen to yourself. How am I supposed to adjust? Have you ever been in my situation?"
"No," he said quietly. "But this isn't the first time I've seen this happen. Believe me, Karen, when I tell you that you need to go home and talk to the baby's father so he knows what's happening and he can support you. It's pointless for you to sit here in denial yelling at me. When you two are ready to talk, I'll be here. We can discuss all of your options. Once we've talked, the two of you can start making decisions. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. A pregnancy at your age isn't going to be easy. In fact it's high risk for both you and the baby. All I want to do is help you through this.
Karen drove home in a haze. She felt like the car was driving itself and, fortunately, it knew the way home. Once home, she sat down on her bed virtually catatonic; her mind numb as she tried to process all that had happened. It wasn't until her phone rang an hour later that she came out of her reverie.
"Hello," she said quietly into the phone.
"Karen?" Bill asked. "Karen, is that you? Are you okay? It sounds like something's wrong. Where are you?"
"I'm… I'm at home." Karen cleared her throat and tried to sound more normal.
"What are you doing at home? Are you alright? You don't sound like yourself."
"Yes, yes, of course. I'm fine."
"I thought we were meeting for dinner. I'm at the restaurant. Did you forget?"
"Oh, Bill! I'm so sorry. It completely slipped my mind."
"Did your doctor's appointment go alright, Karen? Is something wrong?" Bill asked. Karen had told him she had a routine doctor's appointment and that she would meet him at one of their favorite restaurants for dinner.
"No, everything's fine," she lied. She felt bad about lying to Bill. It was the first time she had ever done it but she was quite sure that it wasn't going to be the last. "I'm so sorry, Bill. By the time I left the appointment, I had a terrible headache. All I could think about was coming home and lying down. I fell asleep and I completely forgot about our date."
"Is your headache any better?"
"No, not really. I still feel pretty lousy."
"Maybe you'd feel better if you ate. How about if I get some carry out and bring it over. We can eat some dinner at your house."
"I don't think I can stomach anything right now. I think I just want to go back to sleep. I'm sorry, Bill. I'm going to have to cancel for tonight."
"It's okay," Bill said warmly. "I understand. Get some sleep and we'll get together later in the week. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Thanks," Karen murmured. "I'll talk to you then."
Karen hung up the phone and burst into tears. What she really wanted was for Bill to come over so that she could tell him everything but at the same time, she wasn't all that sure that she was ready to talk about it. She sighed and walked toward the kitchen. She needed something to eat and she needed to think. She knew that she shouldn't make any serious decisions at such an emotional time, but Karen Hayes was a very decisive, black and white sort of person. Every problem that she had ever faced, be it personal or professional, she had met with the same sort of emotionless, rational thought process. This problem would be no different.
It took no more than a couple of hours to think it through. Now she just had to put the plan into action. If she approached it that way – a plan, an action – it made it all less personal. Karen picked up her phone and hit speed dial #2 and waited while the phone rang.
"Hello," said a sleepy voice on the other end.
"Stephanie, it's Karen. Did I wake you?"
"Karrie! It's after eleven o'clock in Chicago. Yes, you woke me. What's going on? You never call this late."
Karen could hear Stephanie's husband in the background. "Steph, who's on the phone?"
"Sorry, Tim. It's Karrie. Go back to sleep. I'll take the phone downstairs and talk there. Hold on, Karrie."
Karen listened in silence while her younger sister put down the phone, donned her robe and slippers and left the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
"Okay, Karrie, talk to me. Why are you calling so late?"
"I'm sorry, Steph, but I had to talk to you," Karen started to cry. "I don't know where to begin."
"Start at the beginning. Tell me what's wrong," Stephanie said gently.
"I had a doctor's appointment today," Karen started.
Stephanie gasped fearing the worst. "Oh, God, Karrie! What's wrong? Whatever it is, I'm here for you. You know that, don't you? Tim and I will do whatever we can to help. Just say the word."
"You better hear me out before you make that kind of offer," Karen said as she began to compose herself.
"Just tell me what the doctor said," Stephanie returned.
"He said that I'm pregnant."
Stephanie was silent for a moment and then began to laugh. "Karrie! Don't ever do that to me again. It's 11:15 at night. You scared the hell out of me for a joke. It's not even a funny joke. What are you thinking?"
Now it was Karen's turn to be silent for a few seconds before speaking. "It's not a joke, Steph. I saw my gynecologist today for a routine exam. He examined me and said the exam was abnormal. Then he started asking me questions and took a urine specimen. A couple of minutes later he told me that I was pregnant."
"Karrie, I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. I needed to talk to someone."
"Have you told Bill yet? Bill is the father, right?"
"Of course Bill's the father. There hasn't been anyone else in years. And no, I haven't told him and I don't plan to."
"You don't plan to?" Stephanie repeated. "Karrie, this might come as a shock," she said sarcastically, "but sooner or later he's going to notice."
"Very funny. Please don't joke about this; I'm not in the mood."
"So if you don't plan on telling him, what do you plan to do?"
"I was thinking about putting in for a transfer to Chicago. There's an opening with Homeland there. I wouldn't be director, but it's a senior management position. I'm more than qualified so they can't really turn me down. I'll work less hours and be under a lot less stress which will help after the baby comes. I think it would be good for me as a single parent to live closer to family. Besides, if I transfer to Chicago, Bill will never have to know."
"Look, Karrie, I'm not in your position, so maybe I'm not qualified to give you advice, but I think what you're doing is wrong. Why don't you want Bill to know?"
"Because this is my fault."
"Were you absent from biology class in high school the day they explained all the stuff about the sperm and the egg? It takes two to tango. He's as responsible, or to use your own words, 'at fault' as you are."
"You don't understand, Steph. He offered to use protection. I never in a million years thought I could get pregnant. Greg and I tried for our entire marriage and it never worked. So I told him not to worry about it. How do I go to him now and say 'Guess what, Bill. You're going to be a father.' He'll think I set him up. I can't do that to him, Steph, he's too nice a guy."
"If he's such a nice guy, maybe he'll listen to you and understand. All I've heard for the last few months is what a great guy Bill is and you can't wait for me to meet him. I can't believe you're going to throw that all away. What are you going to tell him when you leave or are you just going to break up with him for no reason?"
"I haven't thought that part out yet," Karen admitted.
Stephanie sighed. "I don't know what to say. You're my sister and I love you. I'll support you any way I can, but I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that I don't agree with what you're doing. I've got a little experience in this parenting thing, remember?" Stephanie was referring to her three children. "Sometimes it's hard to be a parent even when you're married. Being a single parent is a really difficult thing to do. Some people don't have a choice, but you do. At least tell Bill and let him make the decision. He may want to be part of his child's life. If he wants to play a role, he should be allowed to. This is his child, too, Karrie. He shouldn't be excluded from that child's life."
"I know how Bill thinks. If I tell him about the baby, he's going to feel obligated to be involved and provide support."
"What's wrong with that?" Stephanie asked. "Whether he intended for it to happen or not, this is his child."
"He's already raised three sons. The youngest just started college. Why should he be forced to start over just because I made a mistake? I'm sorry, Stephanie, but my mind is made up. Please don't try to convince me otherwise. I just need to know if I can count of you for support."
"Of course you can, Karrie. I already told you that. I'll do whatever I can to help. If moving to Chicago is what you want to do, then that's what I want for you."
Karen spent the next few days desperately trying to avoid Bill. He called repeatedly and each time she had an excuse for why she couldn't see him and didn't have time to talk. Every time she did it, it broke her heart. She had fallen in love with Bill and leaving him this way hurt more than she expected.
By the weekend, Karen was ready for a break from work. The other stresses in her life weren't going away, but two days away from work at least meant one less headache. She was kneeling in the grass outside of her house digging up weeds. If she concentrated hard, she could forget everything else that was going on. She was intent in giving her house "curb appeal" in hopes of selling it quickly so that she could move to Chicago. She had already put in for the transfer and expected to hear something within a few days. Karen was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't hear a car pull up to the curb.
"Need some help?" Bill asked startling her.
"Bill," Karen said trying to compose herself. "What are you doing here?"
"You wouldn't talk to me on the phone, so I came to find out why you're avoiding me," he said pointedly. She hadn't heard his tone this sharp since those very testy hours at CTU when she and Miles were trying to take over.
Karen put down the spade she was holding and removed her dirty gardening gloves. She stood so Bill no longer towered over her. "I'm not trying to avoid you…" she started.
"Stop, Karen. I'm not here to play games. Something's wrong and you won't tell me what it is. If I did something to make you angry or hurt you, it was unintentional. Please tell me what it was so that I can rectify it."
"It's not you, Bill, it's me." Karen decided that taking the blame for the relationship was her best option. "Things were moving too fast and it was scaring me."
"So you decided that the best way to handle this was to avoid me completely and put in for a transfer to Chicago?"
Karen stared at him, surprised that he would have that piece of information.
Bill continued. "I have a friend in personnel at Homeland. He doesn't know about our relationship. Just the opposite, he knew that you were sent to CTU to replace me. He assumed that I'd be happy you were leaving, so he called to tell me that I wouldn't have to worry about running into you again since you put in for a transfer to Chicago," Bill explained.
"Bill, I don't know what to say," Karen said quietly.
"Karen, you don't have to leave LA. If you don't want to see me all you have to do is break it off, but please tell me. Don't make me find out this way." His voiced oozed with hurt. "I thought what we had going was pretty good. No, scratch that, I thought it was great. I enjoyed every minute I spent with you. I never got the sense that you felt otherwise. If you were unhappy, you should have told me."
"It's not that simple, Bill," Karen said.
"Then explain it to me."
"I can't." Karen shook her head and began to cry. "I wish I could, but all I can tell you is that this is my fault, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong. I loved every moment we spent together and I will always cherish it, but you have to let me go. I love you, Bill, and I am so sorry that I hurt you." With that Karen turned and ran into the house.
She hadn't bothered to close the door and Bill followed her. "Karen!" he called after her as she headed up the stairs.
Bill caught her by the arm just as she stepped across the threshold to her bedroom. He didn't pull hard, but the backwards tug against the forward momentum that she had established resulted in an abrupt halt, followed immediately by a backwards fall into Bill's arms. Karen's initial reaction was to pull away but Bill's hold was strong. She tried to fight, but found that she didn't have the desire or the strength. Instead, she collapsed against him crying inconsolably. Bill wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead.
"Talk to me, sweetheart. Tell me what's wrong. All of this started after you saw the doctor. If there's something wrong, I want to know. I want to help you through it. Whatever it is, Karen, we'll deal with it together. I'll be with you every step of the way."
Bill guided her to the bed and they both sat down. He admitted later that he sat them both down because his legs were shaking. He had arrived at Karen's house assuming that he had slighted her in some way and that she was angry. But now, after seeing her reaction, he feared that it was something much worse. When he added it all up to the doctor's appointment, he feared that she was dying. Now, holding her tightly as she sobbed, Bill thought his heart was going to break. He was just trying to imagine how he was going to continue living without her, when Karen began to compose herself and told him the truth. Stunned but enormously relieved, Bill sat staring at her.
"Bill," Karen said as she looked into his eyes which were wide with shock. "I've made the decision to have this baby. I don't want you to feel responsible. I know…"
"Karen," Bill interrupted.
But Karen continued undaunted. "I know that I..."
"Karen," Bill interrupted again.
"No, please Bill, let me finish. I know that I…"
This time Bill pressed a hard kiss to her lips to silence her. Karen tried to push away at first, but quickly gave up and melted in his arms. They relaxed and let themselves lay back on the bed while they continued to kiss. As Karen allowed herself to enjoy the feeling, she realized that Bill was gently caressing her lower belly, just above where their baby was growing.
Bill finally broke the kiss. He lay on his side and propped himself up on his elbow. "Now, that I found a way to silence you, maybe we can talk this through," he said mildly. "Because if you think I'm letting you move to Chicago without me and take our child with you, you're wrong. Why didn't you tell me?"
Karen shook her head. "I didn't know how. I made a huge mistake and I didn't want you to feel that you were forced to take responsibility."
"Karen, if one of my sons came to me and said that his girlfriend was pregnant, I'd give him a lecture on responsibility. I'd be a pretty big hypocrite right now if I tried to ignore my own responsibility."
"But this wasn't your fault, you offered to use protection."
"Let's not talk in terms of 'fault'. We're talking about a baby, not a car accident or a divorce. It's responsibility and I'm as responsible as you are. I just can't believe that you were afraid to tell me."
"You've raised three children. You're 50 years old. I just didn't think that you'd want to start over."
Bill reached out and took Karen's hand, brought it to his mouth and kissed it. "I'm not going to tell you that I'm thrilled about the prospect of sleepless nights and changing diapers. I'm also not going to tell you that I want to spend the next 20 years of my life raising another child, but there are worse things that can happen. Honey, ten minutes ago I thought you were sick and that I might lose you. Now my only concern is that the baby's healthy. Yes, it's going to take me some time to adjust to this situation, but I will and so will you. I can tell you from experience, that a few months from now, a doctor is going to hand us a red-faced, screaming baby who we're going to fall in love with and wonder how we ever lived without. The baby will be the joy of our lives and you'll wonder why we were ever upset about the pregnancy in the first place."
"Are you sure?" Karen whispered as tears filled her eyes.
"As sure as I can be about anything right now. I'm in shock, Karen. I hope you can understand that. I just want you to know that whatever happens, we're going to make this work, Sweetheart."
If Karen was happily surprised by Bill's acceptance of the situation, she was even more surprised the next day when Bill placed an engagement ring on her finger and proposed.
"We don't have to get married, you know," Karen reminded him. "Things are different now. We can live together or keep our own houses and share custody of the baby."
Bill shook his head emphatically. "I want us to be married, Karen. I want everyone to know how much I love you and the baby. Please marry me," he added softly.
Karen relented without much pressure and she never regretted it. Despite the stress of pregnancy at such a late age, Karen enjoyed being married and found that Bill was a constant source of support. They quickly settled into their marriage and Karen started reveling in her impending motherhood. She continued working but made sure to make time to decorate the nursery and shop for baby clothes and other necessities.
By the time she was seven months pregnant, Karen was having complications and was put on bed rest. It was about that same time that Wayne Palmer asked her to join his presidential campaign staff. The election was just a couple of months away and, despite his huge popularity, he was lagging in the polls. He was seen as weak on national security, something on which Karen was exceedingly well versed. She laughed at first. "You haven't seen me in a few months, Wayne," Karen told him and then proceeded to explain.
Wayne didn't plan to take "no" for an answer. "This is the perfect opportunity. You don't need to travel with the campaign. If you can sit in front of a computer, you can do everything I need you to do. You just need to provide me with regular briefings. We can do that on the phone or by videoconference. It's perfect for you. It'll keep you busy so you won't be bored for the next two months.
Karen agreed but told him that if she found the job too stressing that she would have to quit. At this point she wasn't taking any chances with her baby's health or her own. Wayne readily agreed. The arrangement worked out well. Karen coached Wayne on national security issues and slowly he began moving up in the polls. Bill and Karen would never forget election day. Their plan had been to vote early in the morning hoping to avoid the crowds since Karen really shouldn't be standing too long. Instead, of the alarm clock waking them, it was a series of strong, regular contractions that jolted the couple out of bed that morning.
They never made it to the polls, but instead ended up at the hospital. Eight hours of labor and ten minutes of pushing later, Bill and Karen heard their baby's first cry. The doctor held the screaming, red-faced infant up for the new parents to see. Despite being exhausted, Karen was amazed at how overwhelmed she was with love for her tiny daughter. And Bill… Bill was ecstatic! He already had three sons and had fully expected that his fourth child to be male as well. He had always wanted a daughter and was thrilled a finally have daddy's little girl encased in his arms.
Bill and Karen took turns holding baby Grace while they watched election returns late into the night. Wayne Palmer won by a small but comfortable margin. Karen went to sleep that night happier than she had ever been. On a personal note, she had an incredible husband and finally had the child she had dreamed of for years. While on a professional level, she felt confident that her contributions to Palmer's campaign had helped launch him into the presidency; an achievement for which she felt enormous pride.
Karen woke the next morning to the phone ringing on her hospital bedside table. She grabbed it frantically to answer it off before it could wake Bill who was sleeping in the daybed across the room from her. It was her sister, Stephanie.
"Hey, Karrie! How are you feeling?"
Karen pushed herself up into a sitting position and looked at the clock. "I'm a little sore and a lot tired. Why are you calling me at 6 o'clock in the morning? I had a baby yesterday. Remember? I'm supposed to be resting."
"Good luck with resting," Stephanie told her. "Turn on Fox News."
"Why?" Karen asked as she reached for the television remote control.
"The political pundits are floating your name for Wayne Palmer's National Security Advisor!"
"That's ridiculous! I helped Wayne with his campaign. I think he'll be a good President, but politically we're too different. I'm much more conservative than Wayne is and he's going to make a lot of decisions that I disagree with. His National Security Advisor is going to be someone who is ideologically in lock-step with him."
"That's not what the pundits are saying. They think that you're the perfect National Security Advisor for that exact reason. It makes Palmer play better to conservative audiences but that liberals will like you, too. They think that he'll do better with the conservative congress if he puts some conservatives in the cabinet and in cabinet level positions," Stephanie said.
"Well, maybe that's what they're saying, but I'll believe it when it happens. Besides, I don't want to be National Security Advisor. I've waited my whole life to be a mother and that's what I plan to do. Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to sleep before my daughter decides that she needs to eat."
Karen and Stephanie said goodbye and disconnected but by then Bill was wide awake. The two turned on the television and went from Fox News to CNN to CBS and NBC and ABC. Every news service was putting Karen's name forward as the next National Security Advisor. Some reporters went so far as to say that sources close to Palmer were confirming the selection so it wasn't a surprise when the President-elect called and offered Karen the job.
Neither Bill nor Karen had expected or even considered the offer, but it didn't take either of them long to decide that this was something Karen couldn't pass up. Bill immediately knew what needed to be done and he readily agreed. He would leave CTU and would move to Washington with Karen and Grace. From there he could do a little consulting, but Karen's job would require such long hours that it just made sense for him to stay home with Grace. Karen balked at first. She was a first time mother and she wanted to enjoy her baby. Abdicating responsibility to Bill seemed wrong, but in the end Bill convinced her that they would make it work. Two-and-a-half months later on a cold January 20th in Washington, D.C., they were sitting together at the Inauguration.
Looking back, Karen was sure that it all would have worked if it hadn't been for the terrorist attacks. As soon as they started, CTU frantically called Bill. They had not yet named a new Director and the new Assistant Director, Nadia Yasser, was not yet ready to take the helm. In short, they needed a seasoned Director immediately. On top of that, Karen was working 16-18 hour days and sometimes catching a few hours of sleep in her White House office. The only solution until the crisis was over was to relocate Grace to Karen's sister's house in Chicago. Stephanie would look after her niece until the crisis had passed.
In the blink of an eye Karen's happy, little world was falling apart. Bill was going back to California and Grace was headed for Chicago. More than anything she wanted to tell Wayne that she hadn't signed on for this, but she couldn't. The situation was too serious; Wayne needed her in Washington. So she did what she had to do. She drove Bill to the airport and cried quietly as she kissed her 12 week-old daughter good-bye and handed her to Bill. He would fly to Chicago and stay just long enough to get Grace settled. Then he'd be off to LA.
"Don't forget to tell Stephanie that Grace doesn't like her bottle too warm," Karen reminded Bill for the tenth time as she fussed over the blanket tucked around Grace's carseat. "And she likes to be rocked to sleep. Her favorite blanket is in the suitcase. Tell Steph to give her the blanket when she's fussy and she"ll settle right down."
"Karen," Bill said gently. "Everything's going to be fine. Stephanie is perfectly qualified to take care of Grace for a couple of weeks. Once this crisis passes, Grace and I will be back in DC with you. Try to focus. We can get through this. We have some good, solid intelligence leads. It should all be over soon."
I hope you're right, Karen thought as Bill took Grace and made his way through the security queue. I hope you're right.
Unfortunately, Bill was wrong. The intelligence wasn't as good as first thought. Three months later the attacks were still going on. Bill was still in LA. Grace was still in Chicago. And Karen missed them both desperately.
If there was ever a day that Karen wanted to forget, it was the last day of the attack. Looking back she tried to blame her frazzled nerves for her bad decision-making. She had convinced herself that firing Bill was the right thing to do. If she fired him, he could come back to Washington and bring Grace with him. Firing her own husband suddenly didn't seem so malicious or unconscionable. It seemed like a way to bring some normalcy back into her life. She thought he would see it the same way and was stunned by his anger. As if that wasn't all enough, while she was sitting in a holding cell, Tom Lennox came in to tell her that Bill and Jack Bauer had hijacked a helicopter to try and rescue Jack's nephew. She was overwhelmed by fear and guilt. When she asked Bill to help Jack, she didn't mean for him to risk his life.
When it was over, when Bill was safe and they both had been pardoned, the two reunited in Chicago. As angry as Bill had been when Karen fired him, there was no way he could hold a grudge. Karen often wondered if Bill would have been as forgiving if it hadn't been for Grace. She sensed his anger when they met at O'Hare Airport and despite her apologies and repeated attempts to explain her position, the drive from the airport to Stephanie's house was tense. It wasn't until they arrived at her sister's house and got to hold Grace again that Karen felt a change in Bill. They both cried when they saw their daughter for the first time in almost three months.
"Look how big you are, Grace!" Karen exclaimed. "We've missed so much, Bill," she said as she shook her head.
"We'll never be separated from her again," Bill promised as he put his arms around both his wife and daughter. "I mean that Karen. Not until she's grown up. No matter what it takes, we're keeping her with us."
Bill kept his promise until Tony Almeida reappeared from the dead. Damn you, Tony! Karen thought. But at the same time, she knew that Bill left because he thought it was the right thing to do. His sense of duty to his country was simply too strong. Their life in Vermont, with their consulting business and their country home and their precious daughter, was nearly idyllic. Even as Karen asked Bill not to go to DC with Tony, she knew that he had to go.
Karen thought back on that day when Bill came back to Vermont to tell her that he had called in a favor from friends high up in Interpol and asked that they protect his wife and daughter. She remembered trying hard not to cry as she left Vermont knowing that it might be the last time she ever saw Bill. They stood silently on the porch for a long minute while the airport sedan was idling in the driveway. Bill tugged Karen's collar a little tighter around her neck to keep the cold Vermont wind off of her neck. Then he kissed her tenderly.
"Be careful," he whispered. "Wherever they locate you should be safe, but don't ever let your guard down. Promise me."
"I promise," she whispered in return. "And you promise the same thing. I'm not worried about me, but I'm very worried about you."
"Mommy, is it time to go?"
Karen and Bill both looked down at the same time. Bill picked Grace up and kissed her. "Gracie, my darling, I will love you forever," Bill whispered in an emotional voice. "Don't ever forget that. Wherever your life takes you, Daddy will be right here." He tapped his finger over her heart. Karen doubted that Grace understood, but she smiled at Bill and kissed him as tears ran down his cheeks.
He leaned toward Karen and kissed her a final time. "Goodbye, my love," was all that he said.
Goodbye, my love. Karen heard it resonate through her brain. He knew, she thought. He knew that he wasn't coming back to us.
A flash of lightening over the water and a distant clap of thunder brought Karen back to the present. The reality of living the rest of her life without Bill flooded her. It wasn't going to be easy, but she was a fighter and this was her most important fight ever. She couldn't let Grace down. No matter how hard it was to consider a future without Bill, Karen Hayes Buchanan would go on. She would cry and grieve just like everyone else who loved and lost. She would ask "Why?" a thousand times but she would never feel sorry for herself or give in to the pain. Grace didn't deserve that.
She looked down at Grace who was now sleeping peacefully in her arms and she kissed the top of her precious daughter's head. Once again her eyes filled with tears.
"Thank you, Bill," Karen whispered into the breeze. "You couldn't have given me a more perfect gift. I'll make sure that she never forgets you and that she knows how much you love her. And I'll do everything in my power to raise her to be someone you'd be proud of. I might need your help. So if you see me straying in the wrong direction, can you find a way to get me back on track?" Another rumble of thunder made Karen smile. "I'll take that as a 'yes'," she said almost playfully.
She sat silently for a few more minutes watching the distant storm and gently rocking Grace. The child's warm body felt good against her own. She knew she needed to call Bill's sons. After that she would make arrangements to go back to Vermont where she would have Bill's memorial service. There was so much to do. She stood slowly with a sleeping Grace still in her arms and looked out over the sea. "I love you, Bill. Rest now. You've worked so hard. You deserve some peace."
She took Grace into the bedroom and laid her carefully on the bed. The child stretched and rolled over without waking. Karen looked back out through the window realizing that the storm was finally over. It was as if it had come to tell her that Bill was gone and now that she knew, it had moved on.
"Goodbye, Bill," she mouthed silently. "Goodbye, my love."
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